In The Cards

Considering how many monster me and my friends have killed by now and how good we are at killing in general, it's really strange that we seem unable to permanently rid ourselves of that one annoying zombie. Sometimes it feels as if some cruel deity keeps bringing him back on purpose in order to torment us. Or does that sound too paranoid? Oh no. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"Abduh," Zaerini said in a flat voice. "Oh, this is just great. What is it about that guy anyway? You'd think there'd be a limit on how many times somebody can come back from the dead."

"Yeah," Imoen agreed with a grimace. Then her eyes lit up. "Hey, it's no problem! Adahn can kill him, he's the one that did it before, after all!"

"I did?" the bandit said, sounding a bit surprised. "When would this have been, pray tell?"

"You know. Back in Nashkel. That big, mean bully who wanted to beat me up, but you killed him for me." Imoen's eyes were glowing with admiration. "That was ever so sweet of you…"

Adahn sighed. "Oh, that one," he said. "Yes, I remember. Had I known that anybody would be foolish enough to want to reanimate him I'd have made certain to burn the corpse or at least decapitate it. I really don't like leaving a job incomplete."

"I'm not sure that would have helped," Rini said. "Abduh's a bit like one of those villains in a bard's serial horror story. You know, like 'Duke Darkness' or 'The Bloat'. They always get crushed, burnt, drowned or chopped to pieces at the end, but they always come back in the next part to savage a new group of young and scantily clad females who're hiding out in a spooky old house or an abandoned log cabin."

"Ah," the bandit said. "This would be the sort of people who when they learn that they're shut inside the haunted mansion with a rabid killer decide to 'split up so the search will go quicker'? And when they hear suspicious noises in the dark basement they call out to ask if 'somebody is there'. And let's not forget their equally annoying habit of climbing slippery roofs wearing thin shoes with spiky heels." He sounded rather insulted. "I happen to know about climbing roofs, and even I couldn't pull that off."

"Anyway," Rini said, "since you've apparently killed Abduh before - and I'd love to hear that story later - could you perhaps do it again?"

"I could," Adahn said with a shrug. "But not if he's out in the open, or we'd attract unwanted attention. I'd say our best bet is avoiding him if we can." He made a gesture towards the center of the camp. "The command tent is that way," he said. "You can't miss it, it's the biggest one in the vicinity. Tazok may have left some of his underlings inside, but you should be able to handle them without too many problems."

"What do you mean 'you'?" Edwin asked. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"No. I have made certain other preparations. Think about it. What would be the likely reaction of all these bandits if they hear the sounds of a pitched battle coming from the command tent?"

"T-they'd all f-f-fall upon us," Khalid said, looking rather pale.

"Exactly. But fortunately for you I've made plans for a few diversions." A satisfied smirk spread across the bandit's face. "A little strategically placed chaos here and there and the bandits will be kept quite busy. It's a bit like chess, actually. You need to weaken your opponent's defenses before you can attack his king."

"All right," Rini agreed. "The rest of you come with me, then."

"Not me," Imoen said, shaking her head. "I'm going with Adahn."

"You're most certainly not," the bandit protested. "I work alone."

"Oh, pleeeeease!" Imoen put everything she had into her pleading, and her eyes seemed to double in size like those of a begging puppy. "I'll be good! And I bet there's so much I could learn from you!" She fluttered her eyelashes as she said the last, making Rini wonder just what it was her friend wanted to learn.

"I suggest you let her come," the bard advised. "She'll never stop nagging otherwise." She felt sort of sorry for the bandit, but all the same she felt she had to help her best friend out in her quest for love, even if she did suspect that Imoen was looking in the wrong place.

Adahn looked as if he was about to refuse, but then he apparently decided otherwise. "Very well," he said. "She may come, as long as she behaves herself. The rest of you should head for the command tent."

"How will we know when the time to attack has come?" Jaheira asked.

"Trust me. You'll know." He slipped off into the darkness with Imoen close at his heels.

"D-do you think they'll b-be all right?" Khalid asked. "I'm feeling a l-little worried…"

"Actually," Edwin said, and pulled his black robe closer, "if I were you I'd start worrying about the bandits instead."

Meanwhile, deeper into the bandit camp, a strange conversation was taking place. The strange thing about it was that only one of the three speakers was sane, only two had functioning tongues and only two were alive.

"Oh, this is so marvelous!" giggled Xzar. The insane wizard had a bright smile on his grotesquely tattooed face, and he cheerfully patted his smaller companion on the head. "Villainy, brigands and vicious roughnecks everywhere! My toes are tingling beautifully at the sight of all this congealed evil. Yes Monty, I do believe we've found our true element at last."

"Urrrrgh," Abduh agreed. At least Montaron thought that the zombie agreed. It was a bit hard to tell since so much of his tongue had rotted off by now, and of course he hadn't been much of a conversationalist to begin with.

"Keep it down, wizard," the halfling snarled, making sure that his sword rested nice and easy in its scabbard. "We don't want to attract unnecessary attention."

"Urrrgh, urrrgh."

"I wasn't talking to you! You're really hopeless, you know. If we're talking congealed, your brain is the first thing that springs to mind. This mess we're in is all your fault."

"Aw, don't be so hard on him, Monty," Xzar admonished the halfling thief. "We were trying to find the bandits after all. He was only trying to help." The wizard scratched the zombie beneath its gray chin. "He's such a good boy, aren't you Abduh?"

"Urrrgh! Urrrgh!"

Montaron rested his head in his hands. It's not fair, he thought. Why me? I could have been teamed up with anybody. "Help," he spat, his voice heavy with sarcasm. "Oh, sure. By rushing up to the first group of Black Talons we came across and demanding to be taken to their leader. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. We're lucky they signed us up to entertain them rather than kill us outright. They'll probably still kill us if they don't like our jokes." A court jester, Montaron thought. I was supposed to become a legend within the Zhentarim. A rogue such as the world had never seen before, a skilled dealer of death. And I'm teamed up with an insane wizard with a rabbit fetish and his pet zombie.

"Don't you worry, Monty," Xzar said, his mouth twisting into a terrible manic smile. "I'm an excellent story teller." His eyes became a little unfocused. "In the terrible depths of the sea, Great Chptrryzgha lies snoring… His tentacles will rear up and DEVOUR THE WORLD, TEARING OUT THE SOULS OF…"

"URRRGH!"

"No, no, NO! Not that kind of story. I was thinking of jokes."

"Oh. Well, how about the one about the lady hobgoblin and the wandering paladin?"

Montaron looked nervously about him. A group of three large hobgoblins were just passing close by, giving the thief, the wizard and the zombie suspicious and hostile looks. "Perhaps not that one," he said. "Let's move a little further into camp, there are far too many of those things here for my liking." As they walked on Montaron kept complaining, a sour look on his round face. "I really don't know why we have to drag this…this sorry lump around," he grouched, glaring at Abduh. "It's not as if he's anybody important. And he stinks. And his cooking is awful."

"URRRGH!" Montaron suddenly found himself dangling from a large gray fist that gripped his throat tightly. A pair of dim eyes stared into his own, burning with terrible, dull anger.

"Oh look," Xzar said in a reproachful voice. "Now you've gone and hurt his feelings. And he really made an effort with those rabbits yesterday." His eyes rolled back in his head. "The…the RABBITS! They're watching, always watching. Oh, you think they're all cute and innocent, with their fluffy fur and shiny little eyes and pink twitchy noses, but that's what they want you to think. But I know. Oh yes, I know. I've seen their true faces, yes I have." He started twitching violently, attracting amused as well as alarmed glances from the surrounding bandits.

"Xzar…" Montaron choked, "I…* choke* really could use some *choke * help here…"

"Urrrgh, urrrgh, URRRGH!"

"They just sit and watch you, but I know what they really say," Xzar raved. "They have plans, I tell you, yes they have. Ryilläh! Lyohg-slobber! The strange geometry of their pointy ears holds hidden messages, too hideous for mortal minds to comprehend!"

"Yes, but *choke * , I can't *choke * breathe…"

"Urrrgh. *hee, hee, hee *"

"Eldritch shapes, cloaked in fluffy white fur, the Old Ones are always present…it's no coincidence that they breed so quickly, you know!" Xzar suddenly seemed to come pack to reality, or at least as much as he ever did. "Abduh? Bad boy! Let him go."

"Urrrgh," the zombie said, looking very sullen. Montaron dropped to the ground, still gasping for air and feeling his abused throat. He thought there were going to be permanent marks left by those thick gray fingers. I don't think it's possible, he thought morosely, that any thief ever suffered as much for his craft as I have.

"Now tell him you like his cooking," Xzar ordered. "You've hurt his feelings, you know."

"Fine," Montaron snarled. "His cooking…is passable." At least it passes my bowels which is all that can be said for it.

"Urrrgh!"

"No! What are you doing now, stupid zombie!" The halfling thief suddenly found himself swung about in the air and then tightly hugged by the pleased zombie.

"Isn't that sweet?" Xzar trilled. "He wants to be your friend again. Abduh, listen to your Master. It's time to kiss and make up."

No, no, no, NO! Montaron's tortured mind was screaming as he saw a pair of fat and slobbering gray lips approach his own. This can't be happening to m…

Smack.

"See?" Xzar said, sounding extremely pleased. "All of us good friends again, forever and ever."

"Urrrgh!"

"Urrrgh…" Montaron groaned, trying his best not to vomit or faint.

Xzar gave his companion a very puzzled look. "You're sounding very peculiar, Monty," he said. Then he giggled. "I hope you're not going crazy on me. I can't abide crazy people, you know that."