In The Cards

Right, here's a free bit of advice. Don't under any circumstances play around with strange magical artifacts from Netheril. I've seen them cause enough misery as it is, due to the strange and inexplicable inability of certain people to take this advice to heart.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

Officer Vai turned out to be a good-looking redheaded woman in full armor. She had cheerful blue eyes and a ready smile, and the bard took an instant liking to her. "Ah Zaerini", the warrior woman said, "I thought it might be you. These southern parts are set quite afire with talk of your work in Nashkel... I am Officer Vai of the Flaming Fist and, to be honest, I could use your help."

"Pleased to meet you", Rini said. "What exactly would you have me help you with? And how come everybody seems to have heard the news already? Not that I mind, really."

"My contingent and I are cut off from Baldur's Gate", Officer Vai said, looking rather grim. "We haven't received new orders for close to a week and, to be honest, I don't like the feel of this at all. The bandit raids have been getting steadily worse this past while. I used to think that they were just your usual brigands out to make a quick buck in troubled times but not anymore. They're working for someone... One way or another, I've got to get my troops back to the Gate. I'll pay 50 gold pieces for every bandit scalp you can bring me -- and spread the news. I want this whole region cleared before winter comes." She smiled. "As for knowing of you, you'll find that word travels quickly in these parts. No doubt some traveler or other passed the news on. And such an interesting tale too! It seems that one of the local singers, a fellow named Garrick, is already composing a ballad in your honor."

Oh dear, Rini thought. I hope he at least manages to get my name right. "It so happens I have an interest in those bandits myself", she said. "Though I don't think I will be going after them just yet. I think I should try to equip myself better first, as well as hone my skills a little more. But when I do take them on I don't see why I shouldn't do as you ask."

"Excellent!" Officer Vai exclaimed. "It will be a pleasure doing business with you I'm sure."

"Right", Rini said and shook her hand. "After all, us redheads ought to stick together."

Having spent the night at the Jovial Juggler the party set out again the next morning, heading towards the famous estate of High Hedge, just west of Beregost. They did veer a little too much south, however, and so found themselves in a rocky, desolate wilderness, crawling with ghouls and zombies. "This can't be right", Rini said. "I knew we should have taken a left turn back there…" It was at precisely that moment that she saw the madman coming towards them. At least she assumed he was a madman, judging by the wild and staring look in his eyes and the way he kept constantly clawing at his own face.

"No, stay back", he called, "lest this madness be catching!"

"Madness?" Jaheira asked. "What madness do you speak of?"

"I have been a rural merchant all my life and am thereby no stranger to poultry of any shade or color... But there be a fiendish hen to the east that, when I picked her up, she spoke to me in a voice most human. Either I am in the chill grips of the deepest fever or that chicken be possessed by a spirit from the very depths of the ninth and final hell!" The man shuddered violently and walked off. The adventurers looked at each other.

"Fiendish hen", Edwin said. "That's a new one. (The only 'fiendish hen' I've ever met was the one that gave me a nasty case of indigestion three months back.) And any demon possessing a chicken would have to be very desperate indeed."

"It could be a druid, couldn't it?" Imoen suggested. "I've heard of druids changing into all sorts of animals."

"Not chickens", Jaheira said in a very decisive voice. "Turning into a flightless bird that many species like to eat is not a worthwhile effort, particularly when in the middle of the forest."

"Let's check it out", Rini said. "I can't wait to see what a demonic chicken looks like myself." She didn't have to wait very long, as it turned out. They had only walked for about a quarter of an hour when they heard rustling and squawking sounds coming from the bushes. What looked like an ordinary white chicken emerged and ran straight for them, clucking violently. "CLUUUUUUCK!!! Bwaaaaaa!! Buc-becaw! HELLLLP-becaw!" Zaerini was startled to recognize words amidst the animal noises, but she didn't have time to investigate further before the reason for the creature's distress became very much apparent. A large and hungry-looking wolf came bounding out of the same bushes, apparently bent on a poultry dinner. The chicken screamed with a very human-sounding voice and managed to flap onto Khalid's shoulder where it immediately lost control of its bodily functions. "Saveee * cluck * me!" it screamed again.

Jaheira was the first to act, casting a spell that made the wolf suddenly sit down on its haunches and watch her with adoring eyes, tail wagging. "That is a good boy", the druid said and handed the wolf some dried meat out of her pack. "That is a very good boy." The wolf panted happily and licked her hand. "You run along now. There must be some other game around here apart from this scrawny chicken."

"Scrawny?!" the chicken protested and flapped its wings. "What is * cluck * that supposed to mean?" It quickly fell silent as Jaheira gave it a stern look

"You be quiet", the druid said in a firm voice. Then she turned to the wolf again. "Off you go now", she said. And the wolf went, still wagging its tail as it disappeared into the woods once more.

"Th...Thank ye *cluck*", the chicken said. "You have saved *cluck* me."

Zaerini couldn't help herself. There was something very comical about that chicken sitting on Khalid's shoulder, addressing her in a voice as pompous as that of old Ulraunt. "I fear I have taken one too many blows to the head", she said. "Next I'll be hearing hamsters speak." Imoen giggled at this. The chicken didn't seem to find the comment very amusing however.

"Thank you", it said in an icy voice. "Yes *cluck*, that was just what I needed in my *cluck* hour of need. You laugh it up while I *cluck* learn to cope with passing eggs."

"Think you could manage to pass one or two right now?", Edwin asked. "It has been a while since I had eggs. Or pancakes. (I could kill for some Thayvian blueberry pancakes right about now.)"

"Oh, thanks a lot!", the chicken said. "Not only do I * cluck * change species, I also * cluck * swap genders, and all you can do is joke about it? And a fellow wizard too! Serve you * cluck * right if anything like this ever happens to * cluck * you!"

Rini decided things had gone far enough. "Look, we're sorry if we offended you", she said. "You're obviously no ordinary chicken. Who are you, and just what's happened to you?"

"Thank the *cluck* Mother of all Magic", the chicken said in a relieved voice, "mayhaps now I might end this *cluck* nightmare. I am Melicamp of Beregost, a *cluck* mage adept in the mystical arts. A...misread...incantation seems to be *cluck* the source of my troubling form. 'Tis been over an month since I *cluck* uttered a polymorph spell, and I simply cannot return to my normal *cluck* form!"

Edwin snickered derisively. "Adept?" he asked. "You hardly seem very adept to me. Such a sorry excuse for a mage deserves to wind up as livestock, for obviously you are quite unfit to be a wizard. (And probably unfit for just about everything else as well, including chicken soup.)"

"You * cluck * BASTARD!" Melicamp screamed and flew at the Red Wizard, trying to peck out his eyes. He might even have succeeded if Rini hadn't managed to catch him by the legs. Hanging upside-down seemed to subdue him a little.

"Sorry again", Zaerini said. "Our resident wizard has a bit of a…er…fowl temper. Look, I know a thing or two about magic myself. Isn't it possible to dispel this curse?"

"I would", Melicamp said and flapped his wings, "but dispel is beyond my...er...rather, I exhausted my *cluck* memorized spells earlier, and now I cannot...access my spellbook. Have you or a member of your party the *cluck* ability to cast such a spell?"

"I do", Jaheira said. "Put him down, child, and I will see what I can do." Zaerini did so, and Jaheira cast her spell, one that made the enchanted wizard glow briefly with a soft white light. When it subsided he was still unchanged, though.

"It didn't *cluck* work!" Melicamp complained. "Bother and Blast, your skill is no better than mi...um...rather, I fear that *cluck* you have not the ability to release...my enchantment. My only *cluck* recourse now is to find my...master. Would you take me to the *cluck* tower near Beregost? 'Tis there we will find Thalantyr. He might hel...er...should be able to deal with *cluck* this."

"We were going there anyway", Rini said. "Sure, we can take you with us. But you make me wonder…considering that you claim to be his apprentice you seem strangely uncertain of his willingness to help you."

Melicamp looked as if he were about to pass an egg right then and there, and when he finally replied his voice sounded very strained. "Oh, 'tis nothing *cluck*...REALLY! Um, often the relationship between *cluck* apprentice and master is...strained."

"On that, at least, I will agree", Edwin muttered.

"He will help. I am...certain."

"Fine", Rini said. "We'll help you. But I'd better warn you right now. If it turns out you're lying and this mage decides to attack us all because of it, then you will be lucky if there's enough of you left to stuff a pillow."

Guided by Melicamp, the adventurers soon found their way to High Hedge, a small stone fortress situated in a pleasant woodland area, where flowers bloomed on the ground, birds twittered in the trees, and a large horde of skeletons were determined to make any stranger join their ranks. It was a while before they could all be taken down, and afterwards both Imoen and Khalid were in need of Jaheira's healing spells, having been hit by the undead warriors' throwing daggers.

"Master * cluck * Thalantyr isn't very fond of visitors", Melicamp explained as the party walked up the steps to the fortress, a forbidding octagonal building of grey stone, with small and narrow windows and a tower at every corner. "He * cluck * usually prefers to summon mephits as guardians of the entrance, but I * cluck * suppose he must have run out of sulfur…"

"Oh really", Zaerini said. "And you don't think it might have been a good idea to mention this before we were almost perforated?"

"Sorry * cluck *." They were inside the fortress now, having found the door open and allowing easy access. Inside a dark and empty hallway led left and right, and there was a shorter one straight ahead where Zaerini could see a strange white light shining through. "Oh, and mind the * cluck * golems." As if on cue a horrible roaring sound came from the left, followed by another from the right. Two large creatures came lumbering into view, one from each direction. They were generally humanoid in shape, and a disturbing raw pink as if they had been shaped out of fresh meat. "Hurry!" Melicamp squawked. "Straight ahead, they won't * cluck * follow into the main work area…"

Fortunately this turned out to be accurate. Zaerini and her friends burst into a large octagonal room, quite out of breath, and were relieved to see that the golems had remained behind. The room they found themselves in was dominated by a huge white crystal in the middle of the floor. Around it there was a circular mosaic, representing the four elements, and it constantly revolved around its own axis, sending out flashes of white light as well as a mysterious humming sound.

"Neat", Imoen said. "I wonder what that thing is supposed to do?"

"Probably it is some sort of warding spell", Edwin said. "Or a focus of magical energies."

"Actually", a strange voice said, "it is called 'Exhibit 47 - The Meaning Of Life'. I found it in an old Netherese dungeon many years ago. Still haven't figured out if it actually does anything, but it is pretty, wouldn't you say?" The speaker turned out to be an old man, dressed in dark green mage robes and leaning on an impressive looking staff. "I don't have much patience for strangers on my property", he continued. "Do us both a favor and move along.....unless of course you have magic for sale. From the looks of you, you don't look as if you could afford the items I have for sale."

"You might be surprised", Rini said. "And I am interested in seeing your wares, but I have another errand as well. You see, I happened to rescue this...um...talking chicken..."

The mage frowned. "Chickens do not talk, so quite obviously it is a polymorphed being of some kind. Spells such as that wear off in time or can be dispelled. 'Tis a simple matter and one not worth the waste of my day. Keep moving."

"Hold on just a minute", Zaerini said. She was starting to get annoyed. "Of course I know that chickens don't talk. But this is a rather special chicken. One who claims to be your apprentice. Starting to sound familiar?"

"Apprentice?! I have had no apprentices! I teach no one about what I...wait...Melicamp? MELICAMP, is that you?!!"

Melicamp jumped out of Imoen's arms and onto the floor, clucking ruefully. "Yes Master Thalantyr, it is *cluck* I."

At this Thalantyr looked positively irate. "I am no "master" to you, and you are no "apprentice!" What gall you have to expect help from me!"

"He is not your apprentice?" Jaheira asked. "And yet you seem to know him."

Thalantyr's eyes flashed beneath his bushy brows. "A student wishes to LEARN, while this fool wishes only to have knowledge", he thundered. "I will tutor no one who does not understand the ramifications of what I have to teach! Not getting the quick gratification he wished, he instead chose to steal from me!"

"You speak of so much, but show so little!", Melicamp pleaded. " I only wished to *cluck* learn a fraction of the power you possess!"

"It has taken me some 50-odd years of life to gain the power I wield, and the will not to use it. You are but a baby in comparison. Frankly, I'm surprised you changed into such an OLD chicken! How DID you manage that, by the by? You were muddling the simplest cantrip when last I observed you."

"Oh no", Zaerini could hear Edwin mutter behind her. "For some reason this is all starting to feel horribly familiar…"

"I have progressed much since then", Melicamp said, "...and I *cluck* "borrowed" a few items to speed the process."

Probably not a good thing to admit, Rini thought. He'll be lucky if he gets away with just a scolding.

"As I thought", Thalantyr snorted. "Well, it's obvious you can steal my tools, but not my understanding of them. Hold still while I dispel this foolish facade. Can't very well get my property back while it's polymorphed into y...wait a moment. I did not possess any items that allow the casting of that enchantment. Wait...oh dear...Melicamp, listen very carefully. What did you take?"

"Nothing too valuable, I swear! Just some *cluck* components, a few scrolls, a beat-up pair of bracers, a blank spellbook, some parchment..."

"A pair of...oh no. You little FOOL! The bracers in my locked and trapped safe?! I certainly hope you can develop a taste for chicken feed, because you are going to be stuck the way you are for a very long time!"

"Yes", Edwin whispered, "horribly, horribly familiar…I'd start groveling now if I were him."

Melicamp looked as desperate as a chicken possibly could manage to. "I know I stole from you, but you can't leave me like this! Please Master Thalantyr, please... *cluck*"

Thalantyr simply shook his head. "You foolish, foolish boy", he said. "It's not a matter of whether I wish to help or not, simply that I do not have the power to undo what you have done. The magic that so many revere today was not always the same as it is now. Any adventurer worth his salt should know this, and know that not every bauble they wring from a dungeon will be helpful. The bracers in question were a vain little reminder of...well...it doesn't really matter does it? Suffice to say that I have no idea what their intended function was, and I was in no position to ask their former owner. Years have passed since my...release, and the spoils of that Netheril ruin remain as enigmatic as ever. They resist even the strongest divination, and attempts to dispel result only in explosive consequences. Some things should just stay buried."

Melicamp hung his head in utter despair and Zaerini couldn't help feeling sorry for him. "Isn't there anything that can be done?" she asked. "I'd be willing to help."

Thalantyr then proceeded to explain that there was a slim chance of adapting a reincarnation spell to dispel the enchantment. It would be very dangerous however, and it would require the skull of an undead creature.

"No problem", Rini said. She returned a few minutes later with not one, but two skulls from the skeletons outside.

"What's the second one for?" Imoen asked.

"I thought it might come in handy as a stage prop one day. Like in Gimlet, Dwarf Of Granithome, Act 2, scene 4. You know, where Gimlet contemplates the skull of his dead father and swears a blood oath on it to slaughter all their enemies?" She then handed one of the skulls to Thalantyr who immediately proceeded to cast his spell. There was a whooshing sound, a flash of light, and then a young man in mage robes replaced the chicken, a look of immense relief on his pimply face.

"And that, as they say, is that", Thalantyr said and wiped his face.

Melicamp was ecstatic. "I have arms!! Arms and hands and feet and and...OH thank you master Thalantyr, thank you!" He flung himself at the older mage and hugged him tightly, causing the elderly wizard to look very embarrassed. Huh, Rini thought. And no thanks for the ones who carried him all the way here. Figures.

"Yes yes boy, now be quiet a moment", Thalantyr said, pushing the enthusiastic young man away. "Blast it. The Bracers are no longer on him. It is as I feared. Likely they either spent what magic they had in a single charge, or it is their wont to be whisked away after inflicting the damage they do. I had hoped to seal them away, but now it's certain they will fall into the hands of some other unfortunate fool. Tell me Melicamp, do you quite feel yourself again?"

"I...I think so."

"Good, though it was the greatest of luck you did not retain a wing for a limb. You always were a bit cockeyed, but I suppose that doesn't count. I suggest you remain here, however, so that I might keep an eye on you. If you insist on playing with the forces of magic, at least I should see that you understand them. Perhaps you will be a touch more cautious, now that you have experienced what can go wrong."

"Yes, Master Thalantyr", Melicamp said, sounding very humble. He was leaning on 'The Meaning Of Life', trying to support himself. Obviously he was still a little unsteady.

"Ha!", Edwin said. "He got off lightly. I don't even want to think about the comments I would have had to suffer had I been stupid enough to turn myself into poultry."

"So, Melicamp", Zaerini said, "how do you feel?"

"Much better thanks", the young mage said. "Except…for a very strange sensation…in my…stomach…" A panicked look crossed his face. "Excuse me, I think I have to..:" He dashed out of the room, his robes flapping around his legs. Seconds later there was a loud SQUAWK from the hallway, followed by a deep silence.

"Should we go after him?" Imoen said, a worried look on her face.

At that moment however, Melicamp returned. His manner of walking was very strange, stiff and bowlegged, and there was a glassy look in his eyes. He had his hands hidden behind his back.

"Melicamp?" Thalantyr said, sounding genuinely worried.

The apprentice then held out one of his hands and displayed the small white object that rested in his palm. When he spoke his voice was strangely brittle and monotonous. "It seems…there were some…unfortunate…sideeffects to the curse…Master Thalantyr. I've just become…a mother. Would you like to tutor my…egg…as well, once it comes of age?"

And the wise old mage just stared at him, for once quite unable to think of a single thing to say.

The mood was a little subdued after that. Thalantyr carried more than one useful scroll, and Zaerini bought one of each for herself and Edwin, exempting only the ones they didn't already have. The Red Wizard steadfastly avoided looking at Melicamp who was by now sitting in a corner, singing lullabies to his egg and trying to decide what to name it. It was a relief once the purchases were paid for and they were finally able to exit High Hedge.

"I am never", Edwin said in a fervent voice, "never ever going to be able to erase that from my mind. (And if I never have to eat eggs again I will be all the happier.)"

"Me neither", Rini said with a shudder. "Beyond a certain point that really ceased to be amusing. And as for ancient Netherese artifacts, I wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole."

"Well, perhaps… (Though I still feel a properly schooled mind would have been able to investigate those bracers…)"

"No!" The bard gave the Red Wizard a very flinty look. "No trying on of strange bracers if we happen to find any. I don't want you turned into a chicken, OK? Promise."

"Oh, all right", Edwin sighed. "For one thing, none of my clothes would fit. (And I can do without eating worms as well.)"

"Say guys", Imoen said in a thoughtful voice, "what with 'The Meaning Of Life' and everything I just thought about something. You two know about magic, maybe you can figure this out. Which do you reckon came first, the chicken or the egg?"

There was a brief moment of silence.

"What?" Imoen said at the identical look of reproach the two spellcasters gave her. "I was just curious…"