In The Cards

The thing about families is that they can either be a gift or a curse. In my case, both. You wouldn't believe what my family dinners can be like, even when only surrounded by the people I genuinely love. Pure mayhem. And some people, they create the curse themselves.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

Having left High Hedge behind the adventurers once again turned south. Rini had decided that they might as well do a little traveling along the coast and see if they could find Brage, the mad captain of the Nashkel Guards. Even if she hadn't actually volunteered for the job it would probably be a good idea to retain a favorable impression with the citizens of Nashkel. The landscape turned cold and rocky as they moved further south, past the spot where they had met the unfortunate Melicamp. Zaerini really wanted to forget about that meeting for the time being. She needed something to distract her, and she had just the thing in mind.

"So Eddie", she said. "How about enlightening me a little on the subject of Thay? You said you'd do it, and now seems like a good time."

Why don't you just ask him if he wants to help clean your fur? Softpaws asked. That's what I would do.

Softy, don't be ridiculous. I'm making conversation, not…not inviting him to join me in an orgy or something!

Edwin looked pleased at the request. "Certainly", he said. "Thay is, of course, not merely a military and magical power but a major cultural center as well. For example, Thayvian Opera is justly famed…"

An hour later Zaerini was forced to make an interruption of the Red Wizard's never-ending stream of words. "Yes, it all seems very nice", she said. "Lovely climate, I'm sure. Food sounds delicious. Interesting history, plenty of tourist attractions. I'd really like to see that Opera House you told me about, the one with all the gargoyles. But isn't there something you're forgetting?"

"Pardon?" Edwin asked. "Like what?"

"Like yourself. You still haven't told me a single thing about yourself, you know. Come on, spill it. I can't believe you would be shy about your own background, not when you know about mine. After all, I'm the child of the God of Murder. How much worse can it get?"

Edwin shook his head. "There really isn't that much to tell", he said in a guarded voice. "The Odesseirons are nobility, and a powerful Family."

"And your parents? Are they Red Wizards too? Have you got any siblings?"

"Yes, they are. And no, I haven't." Edwin looked suddenly uncomfortable. "But I really don't care to discuss my family at this moment. Now, back to the subject of Thayvian government…"

"Eddie! You're stalling! Now tell me more before I…" Zaerini interrupted herself. A small child was staggering towards her out of the bushes.

It was a little boy, and by the looks of him he'd been alone in this wilderness for quite some time. His clothes were torn, his cheeks sunken with hunger, the blonde hair matted and dirty. But it was the eyes that were the most horrible thing, blue eyes reflecting the light like shattered mirrors, wild and empty. When he saw the adventurers he smiled, a smile all the more frightening for its sweetness that almost made him seem sane.

"Sssh!", he said, putting a finger across his mouth. "I'm spyin' on Bassillus an' his spooks. They're funny."

Jaheira knelt in front of the child, a look of intense compassion on her face. "Child, what are you doing out here all alone?" she asked. "Where do you come from? Beregost?"

The boy nodded, and then he smiled again. "I ain't got no home to go to there, not since Mom an' Johnny disappeared. I been looking for them but all I can ever find is these spooks. One of them's wearing Johnny's knickers, though, but I don't want to think of where it got 'em... Be careful you don't scare Bassilus, okay?"

Rini felt a cold shiver run down her back. She'd heard of Bassilus, the town crier back in Beregost had been full of tales about the insane cleric who murdered all he came across, turning them into soldiers in his undead army. Apparently this poor child's family had all fallen victim to him. No wonder the boy had gone insane.

"That is so horrible!" Imoen said. "Rini, we have to do something."

Zaerini thought about this. "Yes", she said, "I agree." She turned to the child and smiled at him until she was able to get his attention. "What's your name?" she asked.

"Footy…"

"Well Footy, me and my friends are going to make sure Bassilus doesn't hurt anybody else, OK? And then we'll take you to the temple outside Beregost. I think they might be able to make you feel a little better."

"Oh. All right, miss."

"Good. You just show us the way to Bassilus, and we'll handle the rest. You won't have to go all the way either."

"What are you doing?" Jaheira hissed into the bard's ear. "We cannot take a small child into battle!"

"I'm not going to. And I'm not leaving him alone here either. But if we go back to the temple now we lose time, and some other children may well lose their mothers and brothers." Zaerini shook her head. "I don't know if it's right or not. I think sometimes there is no right choice."

Footy led the way, cheerfully babbling about all the 'funny spooks' that Bassilus was 'playing' with. Rini had to bite the inside of her cheek rather hard to keep from crying as she saw him. He was just a child. He hadn't deserved to have anything like this happen to him. It wasn't fair.

"But then again", Edwin said, "life isn't fair, now is it?"

"What?" Zaerini said wiping surreptitiously at her eyes. "Was I talking out loud?"

The Red Wizard shook his head. "You didn't have to, I could guess what you were thinking."

"Look, if you're going to make some comment about that poor kid being weak and thus deserving of his suffering…"

"No, you miss my point. I never said that." His gaze turned introspective for a moment. "Bad things frequently happen to people who don't deserve them." He paused. "Perhaps, if this child survives, what he has suffered will make him stronger. Or perhaps not. I would say having managed to survive here on his own is a promising sign. (Yes, very promising.) But either way, fairness has nothing to do with it."

"You may be right. That doesn't mean I have to like it."

"No. You just have to live with it, same as everybody else."

It was at precisely that point that the undead attacked. A grey and swirling mass of cold and rotting flesh, of dead white eyes and blackened gums, of stench and decay and crawling maggots. Zombies and ghouls, a large horde of them that poured forth from behind the large rocks. The fight was a furious one. Rini hadn't the time to ready her bow, but Varscona was in her hands, a cold presence to counteract the swirling heat inside her mind as her body prepared for battle. She was by no means a trained warrior, but she was agile and graceful, and the red haze was upon her. All she could think of was protecting the child who was trusting in her. Varscona rose and fall, hacking at flesh long dead. And then it was over. Zaerini gasped for breath, relieved to see Footy safe behind her, Jaheira at his side. Khalid was pulling his sword out of the body of a still twitching ghoul. Imoen was counting her remaining arrows. And Edwin…was…where?

"Where's Edwin?" Zaerini asked, a sliver of cold dread suddenly twisting her guts. Her friends gave her surprised looks.

"He was right here", Imoen said. "Wasn't he?"

"He's with Bassilus now", Footy explained solemnly. "When Bassilus loses friends he always wants to make new ones. So the spooks will have taken him to see Bassilus, and Bassilus will make him a spook too. I know. I've seen him do it. I saw him do it to Mom. He said it wouldn't hurt and she'd be all happy and friendly, but it must have hurt, 'cos I heard her scream." Tears welled into his eyes, and they suddenly looked more lucid than before. "I wanted to go to help her but I was scared!" he cried. "I was scared and ran away, and now I can't find her anymore. It was all my fault!"

"It's not your fault", Rini said, surprised at how calm she managed to sound even though she just wanted to howl with rage and frustration. "And if your Mom were here she'd say the same thing. I promise." She turned to her friends, and spoke again, her voice still calm and deadly. "Immy, Khalid, I want you two to stay with Footy and make sure he's safe. Jaheira, come with me. We're going after Bassilus."

But Footy shook his head. "I want to come", he said. "Please, Miss. You're going to kill Bassilus, aren't ya? I want to see that."

Zaerini hesitated. "Yes", she said. "Come then. But not all the way. You will stay hidden once we get close enough. And if we don't come back for you, then you must go back to Beregost. Promise me that."

"Yes, Miss."

Meanwhile Edwin was having a very bad time indeed. The last thing he could remember was being hit on the head as he reached for his spell components, and then darkness. Now he was lying on some kind of cold stone slab, possibly an altar, and he was bound hand and foot as well as blindfolded. Not a promising sign. Even worse, there was chanting going on around him. A very bad sign. If right now somebody says something like 'prepare the Holy Sacrifice', then I shall know I'm in bad trouble, he thought.

"The Chosen One will now be anointed with Holy Oil", said a pleasant voice right into Edwin's right ear.

Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

"So rare to find a Virgin Sacrifice these days."

Now wait just a minute!

"Brother Thurm, please prepare the ritual knife and saw, the heart excavation spoon and the brain jar."

"Look, whoever you are", Edwin tried, "you really don't want to do this. I'm not alone, you know. If you kill me you'll regret it. (Not as much as I will regret it, since I'll be dead, but still enough to make you want to make an appointment with whatever demented god you worship about him reserving a place for you in the afterlife.)" Somebody yanked the front of his robes open and started rubbing oil into his chest. "Are you even listening to me? Hello? Calling Mr Brain?"

The remaining adventurers were directed by Footy towards a clearing in the forest. Even from a distance the sound of deep-voiced chanting could be heard. Having made sure that the boy was safely hidden in the bushes Zaerini carefully crept closer to the sound, her heart beating like a frantic bird captured within her chest. The sight that met her when she slowly pulled some branches aside to see better was almost enough to make it stop entirely though.

The clearing was dominated by a large and perfect circle of standing stones, huge blocks of granite. Some of them laid on top of two others, forming a crude portal-like shape. Inside the circle the ground was dead, lifeless and gray like ashes, except for lines of grass radiating from the center to each standing stone, like spokes in a wheel. This grass was as gray as the ground though, slimy and glowing with the faint light of a rotting corpse. It moved faintly like grasping fingers, though the wind had stilled and the air was deathly calm and filled with the stench of rot and decay.

In the middle of the circle was an altar, more or less another crude slab of stone. Edwin was lying on his back on top of the altar, bound to it and blindfolded. Still very much alive though, and clearly not happy about his current circumstances. A large and armored man with carrot-red hair stood over the bound wizard, chatting merrily with him while at the same time rubbing what seemed to be some sort of perfumed oil onto his chest. Pretty nice chest too, Rini thought, feeling rather ashamed of herself for noticing such a thing at such a time. Well, it is. Can I help it if I'm observant?

All around there were skeletons, ghouls and zombies. Some were just standing around, some were chanting what might have been supposed to be a prayer. Since many of them lacked tongues, teeth, and portions of their jaws, it really was rather difficult to make out the words though.

"You'll soon see", said the strange man whom Zaerini could only suppose must be Bassilus. "You'll like it. They all do, in the end. They are all my friends, you know. You will be too."

"I'd rather not be friends with somebody who smells like the winner of the 'Homegrown Mildew' competition", Edwin said, "thanks all the same. And as for being oiled, I much prefer that being done by an attractive female for recreational purposes rather than by some mouth-foaming, eye-rolling fanatic for religious purposes. (Particularly one with breath that smells as if something crawled into his mouth and died for years ago.)"

"The oil", Bassilus said, "is a necessary addition. It's been so long since I performed a nice Virgin Sacrifice, I want to do this right. And then you'll be part of the family."

Zaerini nearly choked and she could hear Jaheira suppress what could have been either a cough or a laugh. Edwin was very much not amused. "I am not a virgin!" he raged. "I'm a Red Wizard of Thay, an artist of erotica, a natural born seducer! Will you get that through your thick and hollow skull…you…you oil-obsessive oaf! What do you want me to do, write down an essay on my past experiences? And I don't want to be part of your family, I'd rather ravish an Otyugh."

Bassilus shook his finger admonishingly. "Nice girls shouldn't speak like that", he said. "What would your father say, my dear?"

Edwin's face was purple by now. "I'm not a girl!" he protested violently. "Are you blind as well as insane?"

"Of course you are. You're wearing a dress, aren't you?"

"It's not a dress! It's a robe! A ROBE! Like wizards wear. Look, I've even got a beard, see? Would a girl have that? (Not that I have high hopes of him succumbing to logic. Might as well try to describe colors to a blind man or preach sense to a paladin.)"

"I don't know", Bassilus said in a hesitant voice. "Some of the girls back at Zhentil Keep were pretty hairy…or you could be a very tall dwarf…but you make me feel confused. I think I'll have to ask brother Thurm to help me." He turned to one of the zombies, a particularly nasty one with only half a face. "Heh Hurh Heh! Oh brother Thurm, why not grace our ears with a ripping tale of the old days! Always a delight!"

"Uuuuuuuuuhhhh.................." the zombie moaned.

"O don't hesitate on my account! Some of the others may not have heard them." Bassilus gave the zombie a sly look. "Know any about bearded ladies, eh? You old rascal, you!"

"hhhhhhhhhhhh............................."

Bassilus sighed and looked a little disappointed. "Hold your peace then, though I remember a time back at Zhentil Keep when you would sooner die than be quiet. You...would sooner...um... I'll wait 'til you feel like telling them yourself, I don't remember the old days so well."

So, another insane Zhentarim, Zaerini thought. I wonder if they're recruited that way or if it's a job hazard?

"No", Bassilus said, "I think I'll just kill you anyway, virgin or not." He raised a wicked-looking curved knife."

"Hey!" Zaerini yelled and leapt out of the bushes, oblivious to the crowd of undead waiting for her. "Stop it!"

Way to go kitten, Softpaws said. I'm sure that will make him sit up and pay attention.

Surprisingly enough, it actually did. Bassilus lowered the knife in surprise, a scared and confused look in his eyes. "No!" he cried. "It can't be! Is that you Mother? It cannot be otherwise, you haven't changed a bit in all these years!"

Wow, Rini thought. I guess his mother must have been a redhead too. I hope she's not one of this crowd. Still, better play along. "Uhh...yes, son, it certainly has been a long time. How are you doing...my boy? Made any nice sacrifices lately? Your career going well, I take it? And aren't you going to produce some grandchildren for me soon? I won't live forever, you know." The bard kept rambling on, hoping to distract the madman long enough. Edwin had gone very still at the sound of her voice, as if he almost didn't dare believe his ears.

Softy, try to get those ropes off. The black cat slunk across the ground, a small shadow unseen by the sluggish undead as well as by Bassilus himself.

"About as well as can be expected I guess", Bassilus said, looking proud. "It has been difficult but I've got most of the family back together. Some did not seem to recognize me at first, but I helped them recall. But now that you're here everything will be well. Come, I will make you a nice dinner."

Zaerini didn't really want to think about what that 'nice dinner' would probably be. Red Wizard lightly grilled, most likely. She tried to keep her voice neutral and avoid looking at the disgusting zombies. "No matter. I've not seen you since...um... Zhentil Keep. Thank the gods we all got out safely."

Bassilus nodded. "Yes, though it was frightening for a time because I thought I was the only one of us that survived. I thought I was the only one who...the only one. You lie. YOU LIE! You cannot be my mother because she died when I left the...when I..."

Zaerini knew then what the madness was that gnawed this man's mind. His betrayal of his family must have driven him insane, and so he was trying to recreate them. It was sad, in a way. But not as sad as Footy searching for his lost mother and brother. "How many?" she cried out, her voice strong and clear. "How many more must die for you to understand? Don't you see? You will never bring them back. You betrayed them, and they are gone. All you can do is rob others of their families as well!" The memory of Gorion came back to her unbidden. Her father, taken from her by her brother. For a second she almost thought herself speaking to Sarevok. What was your family like, brother? Why did you feel the need to rob me of mine?

For a moment she almost thought Bassilus would listen to her. He stood absolutely still, transfixed by her words. Then he shook his head, and the madness returned, stronger than ever. "No! They lived, all of them! I saved them and they live! I...I ran. Dead...all dead. It isn't true! It cannot be...You lie! You will die for slighting my memory!" But the mad priest was by now frightened and furious enough that he momentarily lost the control he had over his zombies. As one the undead horde turned their broken eyes towards him, hissing his name with swollen and rotten tongues, stretching towards him with bony fingers.

"Bassss…."

"Baaaaass…"

"….uuuussss…."

"Basssilllluuussss…."

"No!" Bassilus protested, his face pale with fear and understanding. "No! NO! You…you can't! You mustn't! You…you are my family! My faaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhh!" And that was the last word the mad cleric Bassilus ever spoke. The undead fell upon him then, ripping and tearing, biting and gnawing. It was over in second, a red and pulpy mass on the ground all that remained. You couldn't even tell that it had once been human, not unless you examined it much more closely than Rini intended to. The zombies hissed with relief, and then they fell apart, finally allowed relief from their wretched existence. Zaerini felt happy for their sake, but they weren't really at the front of her mind right now.

"Are you feeling all right?" the bard asked as she hurried over to Edwin. He looks all right. More than all right, actually.

"Yes", Edwin said as he got off the altar and hurriedly pulled his robes closed again. "I've only just been kidnapped, bound, stripped, oiled and almost gutted by an insane priest and his family of undead who wanted to turn me into a zombie. Such fun. Why wouldn't I feel all right? ( I think I may try bleeding to death next, just to amuse myself. Or possibly being nibbled to death by monkeys.)"

"I'm happy to see you're OK", Rini said and gave him a light peck on the cheek. "I was really worried there for a while." She grinned. "Though it may be a while before I forgive you for making me pretend to be that lunatic's mother. He must have been twice my age."

Edwin kept staring at her, his hand pressed to his cheek, his eyes slightly unfocused.

"Well", Jaheira said, "it seems there is a way of shutting him up after all." She thought for a few seconds. "Not that I am ever likely to try it myself."