In The Cards

Now, a warrior's first approach to battle may be to rush in waving a sword, basically chopping things to pieces. And that's great at times. But a rogue should learn to think sideways, backwards, upside-down and in circles. Your brain is your best friend. Learn to use it. And besides, the clever moves are usually much more fun.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

Walking across a narrow rope-bridge across a deep chasm turned out to be a highly unpleasant experience. The bridge swung from side to side as the adventurers carefully made their way across it, and the violent gusts of wind didn't make the crossing any easier. Rini had never been afraid of heights, but after making the mistake of looking down she was all too aware of her own mortality. She was glad to see the other side. However, before she could set foot on solid ground two large shapes came towards her. They were ogres, and they looked armed and dangerous.

"Stop", the first ogre said in a gravelly voice. "You go nowhere! This our bridge, you pay to walk it!"

"Yeah", the second one chimed in, "you pay. . . .200 for all heads, or lose heads!" He shook the bridge to drive his point home, and the adventurers were forced to cling on for dear life. Zaerini decided that getting off this bridge would have to be her first priority. They could deal with the ogres later.

"200 gold is a little steep, don't you think? I mean, do I look like I have that kind of coin in abundance?" She made certain to use her most charming voice, hoping that the ogres would overlook the magical leather armor that Jaheira had taken from Sendai, as well as the lightly enchanted sword that had been Khalid's gain from that same battle. The two ogres gave each other confused looks. Then one of them made up his mind.

"O.K. maybe 200 gold too much. Maybe you pay.......100 gold!"

"Yeah", said the second one, the one that looked even more stupid than the first. "100 gold for all heads, or lose heads! Pretty good deal!" He seemed to have some sort of fixation on heads. Rini was sure she didn't want to know why.

"That does sound a little more reasonable", she said. Then she held up a small bag of gold and shook it to make it clink. "Tell you what. You let us come across and you can have this bag."

I can't believe you're doing this, Softpaws said.

Just wait and see. I have a plan.

The two ogres seemed pleased enough with the offer.

"You got smart head, so you keep head!"

"Yeah! Now move, smart head, before we charge for standing!" They moved aside to let Zaerini and her companions cross.

"You do realize that they will attack us to get the rest of our money as soon as we are across", Jaheira murmured.

"Of course", Rini whispered. "But at least then we will be on even ground. Now hush before they hear us." Once she and the others were all on solid ground once more Zaerini turned to the ogres. "Thank you, gentlemen", she said. "A pleasure doing business with you. And now for your payment." She took the moneybag and emptied its contents into another, larger one, then tossed the ogres the now empty bag. "There you go", Rini said with a pleased smirk. "Just as I promised, you can now have this bag. I said nothing about the money inside the bag, mind you."

The ogres eyed her stupidly for a moment before they realized they had been tricked. Then they both roared with sudden fury and charged. The first one went down under a hail of arrows from Zaerini and Imoen. The second promptly lost his head to a mighty swing from Minsc's powerful sword. It bounced neatly along the ground to come to a stop in front of Rini's feet.

"Ooops", Imoen said. "Looks like you lost your head, big fella!" Then she wrinkled her nose with some disgust as she saw her friend pick the still staring head up and stuff it into her pack after wrapping it inside a spare cloak. "What are you doing, Rini?"

"Just thought I'd bring it back to Nashkel", the half-elf said a little defensively. "It should impress the locals with how great heroes we are. Gain us some goodwill. Maybe even a discount at the store." Her eyes lit up. "Besides, I thought I could have it stuffed and mount it on the wall. Assuming I ever settle down long enough in one place to get a wall, but you see what I mean."

"Oh sure", Imoen said with a smile of understanding. "That sounds great! How about a Red Dragon beside the fireplace?"

"Yes! Perfect! And maybe a demon or two, nothing tasteless mind you…" Behind her Zaerini heard Jaheira groan something that sounded like 'I'm getting too old for this'. She shrugged. Why the druid should be so bothered by the concept of interior decorating was quite beyond her.

"H-how about t-the gnolls", Khalid asked.

"Oh, I don't think they'd fit in with the furniture", Rini said, still caught up in the idea of her imaginary future home.

"I think he meant the gnolls around here", Jaheira said in an icy voice. "The ones we were supposed to be killing, in case you have forgotten."

"Yes", Minsc agreed. "Boo is getting squirrelly. He needs his hamster exercises, and there is no wheel for him to run in. We must find glorious battle for him before he starts nibbling Minsc's ear with impatience."

"Oh", Rini said. "Yes. Right." She looked ahead. The path split in two here, one branch leading upwards towards the fortress, the other down a gentle slope. "Let's take the higher path", she said. "If we can't find the mages up there we'll come back and search the rest of the area."

The path wound steadily upwards, higher and higher. A small group of gnolls ambushed the party at one point, but there were only four of them and they were easily disposed of. Taking Jaheira's advice the party took the time to hide the bodies behind some rocks. There was no sense in letting them be found by their friends. Eventually the adventurers climbed a steep staircase to find themselves outside the Gnoll Fortress, in the main courtyard. There were no guards and no drawbridge. Just the wind, still howling in a cold voice. The walls of the fortress were equally cold, high and impenetrable with narrow windows like empty and blind eyes. From far away there were barking voices, the voices of gnolls.

"I don't like this place", Imoen said with a shudder. "Let's just get what we came for and get out quickly, OK?"

"Y-yes", Khalid said. "W-we should hurry."

"I just wish I knew what the gnolls are up to before we go rushing blindly in here", Zaerini said and pulled a hand through her red hair with some frustration. "I don't want us to get surrounded."

"Hey, I can handle that", Imoen said with a proud grin. "I'm a rogue, remember? As stealthy as a cat!"

Not that I've ever heard of a pink cat, Softpaws said, sounding amused.

"Are you sure?" Rini gave her friend a worried look.

"Sure I'm sure! They'll never see me coming." Before anybody could utter any protest the human girl slipped away quietly in the shadows, keeping close to the walls. Imoen moved carefully, cautious of making noise. Mostly she succeeded, but now and then she couldn't avoid displacing a small rock. I really wish I could meet some nice thief to help me get better at this, she thought. There have to be lots of tricks I don't know about. Now where could the gnolls be? She soon found out. As she peeked around another corner she saw what could only be described as a horde. There were probably several dozens of gnolls sitting around on the ground, talking among themselves in their growling voices. There had been a brief rain-shower an hour earlier and the smell of wet dog was stunning.

The gnolls were seated around what seemed to be a pit in the ground, and they were arguing, getting louder and louder by the minute. "I still say we frrrry them", one of the gnolls said and licked his lips.

"No, no, no" another protested. "Boiling is much tastierrrr…."

"Moderrrrn fancies", growled a very old gnoll, whose fur was an even grey. "Rrrraw meat was good enough in my day and it ought to be good enough forrrr you pups…"

"You arrre all fools", a third gnoll said. "Charrrrbrrrroiling is the only way to go."

From within the pit Imoen could clearly hear Edwin's voice. "Then there is baking, pudding, and of course the classical alternative of a tasty Wizard Soup. You really should take your time in deciding this, you know. It can't be every day you get an opportunity to eat a real wizard, you don't want to waste it. (Yes, do take your time. Preferably until you all die of old age. Is it seven gnoll years to one human year, I wonder?)" Obviously he was trying to confuse the gnolls and distract them from eating him. So far it seemed to be working.

"How about a nice salad?" This second voice was female, cultured and aloof. "Not all of us are vulgar meat eaters. Renounce the ways of the flesh and thou wilt all be happier by far."

The gnolls just growled with disgust at this.

"Will you shut up?" Edwin hissed. "You're not helping here. (Not that I would expect a Witch to be anything but a nuisance.)" He turned to the gnolls again. "Please pay no attention to her" he said. "She is simply upset because I suggested you use her for starters. Now, on to the option of paté…"

Imoen had heard enough. She turned to head back. Unfortunately her left foot chose that moment to slip and she stubbed her big toe painfully on the ground. "OW!" Imoen yelled. Then she looked up so see the entire pack of gnolls staring her, their argument completely forgotten. "Oops…", Imoen said and started backing slowly away. "Er…I'm sure you're all wondering what I'm doing here. Er…I'm making a collection for the Orphan Home Of Lost Puppies and…what's that!" She pointed dramatically at a spot behind the gnolls, then turned and ran as they looked. I really, really, really need to improve my sneaking, Imoen thought as she ran for dear life. This is all so embarrassing.

The first thing to alert Rini to what was happening was the barking, as if a large pack of dogs were fighting over a bone. As the angry noises quickly approached she could see Imoen come shooting out from a narrow passage like a pink comet, a very large horde of gnolls hot on her heels.

"Keep them back!" Jaheira shouted. "We must not let them surround us! They must not get past that passage!" Minsc and Khalid moved forward with her, weapons at the ready. But there were too many gnolls, Zaerini could see that. She had to do something. But what? And then she had an idea. The gnolls were all bunched up together in that passage, clustered together. Yes. It just might work. Frantically digging into her pack the half-elf dug out the ogre head, still wrapped up inside her spare cloak. She hauled it out and started spinning it through the air. Then she took careful aim and let it fly.

The ogre head struck the first gnoll square in the chest, causing him to topple backwards and knock the two gnolls behind him over. These two, in turn, toppled some of their allies until eventually a little over a half of the pack were sprawled on the ground in a heap, trying to disentangle their legs from each other, and the rest were watching them with a great deal of confusion.

"Yes!" Rini cried with more than a little pride. "She throws and she strikes! Take that you mongrels!" She then proceeded to shoot arrows at the gnolls together with Imoen while the warriors of the group rapidly made short work of them up close. When it was all over not a single gnoll remained alive.

"Oh, what a wonderful battle!" Minsc said. "Evil ran away with its tail between its legs, as it must when facing swift hamster justice." He wiped his sword carefully, and then Boo's fangs.

Fangs? Zaerini thought. I didn't know hamsters had fangs.

"I must say that was a very clever idea", Jaheira admitted. "We would probably have been overrun without it."

"Thanks", Rini said with a proud grin. "I sort of liked it myself. Shall we move on? Edwin's probably getting impatient."

"Oh", Imoen said. "I didn't have the time to tell you, but I found him. And Minsc's friend as well. They're both up ahead. I think we ought to go and get them right now. The gnolls haven't killed them yet, but I think they might knock each other off before long."

The gnolls had gone silent. Edwin didn't know if that was a good or a bad sign. At least it momentarily spared him from trying to come up with any more exotic ways of cooking himself. The drawback was that he was once again left alone with the Witch, and quite frankly he would rather have been chatting with the dogmen. At least they have some modicum of intelligence and taste, he thought.

"If they have gone to fetch the chopsticks thou suggested I shall hold thee responsible for our fate", the annoying woman said, as if on cue.

"Oh, by all means", Edwin said sarcastically. "Since we will both be dead then I shan't be shedding many tears over the prospect of your displeasure though. And the point of the chopsticks was that they would at least be forced to eat us in an extremely slow and frustrating manner. If I must get eaten I want to make myself as awkward a meal as possible."

"Awkward thou art already. Also rude and uncouth. No woman should be forced to suffer thy ill-mannered presence, it is torture most base."

"Oh, I don't know", said another, mischievous voice from the top of the pit. "I guess I've sort of got used to him." Edwin jerked his head up, his heart making a sudden leap within his chest. Zaerini was looking down over the edge of the pit, her flame-red hair whipping here and there in the violent wind, her golden eyes sparkling with mirth. She had a very pleased grin on her face. He had never thought he'd be this happy to see her. "Hi there, Eddie" she said. "Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Nashkel in the other direction? Looks like you'd better come along with me after all. I'll make sure you don't get lost again."