In The Cards

Arguing isn't necessarily a bad thing. I tend to think of it as a form of art, like fencing but without the blood. It cleanses the air when it's done properly, and it can be great fun, assuming you have a worthy opponent.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"WHAT?!" Edwin almost screamed. "You brought us into this wilderness, this supposedly desolated forest infested with Amnian nobles, little lost demons, moronic woodcutters and hungry gnolls, made us walk for miles and want us to sleep on the ground. And now you tell me that I have been subjected to all of this for the purpose of rescuing a Rashemani Witch?! Are you quite insane? (And my feet are killing me!)"

"Keep your voice down!" Zaerini shouted with the full force of her lungs. "Do you want every gnoll in the neighborhood to hear you? And nobody forced you to come, you know. In fact, you're perfectly welcome to leave right now if that's what you want!"

"Oh, that is rich! Leave here, in the middle of nowhere? How am I supposed to get back?"

"How should I know? On your feet I expect, like everybody else. Or is that too humbling for Your Highness?"

"That is not what I meant! There could be all sorts of monsters out here."

"So? Shouldn't be a problem for somebody who's been boasting about how he's such a powerful wizard ever since we left Nashkel. Tell me, did you make up all those fanciful tales yourself, or did you hire somebody to do it for you?"

Edwin was actually trembling with rage by now, and his face was contorted into an angry snarl. "I am too a powerful wizard", he hissed. "More powerful than any you've ever met, I'm sure."

Zaerini sniffed disdainfully. By now she was easily as furious as the wizard. "Powerful? You? You couldn't magic yourself out of a wet paper bag if your life depended on it."

"Yes I could! (And if I have to spend much more time talking to this woman it will have to be a vomit bag.) I'll show you just what I'm capable of. Go off and rescue the Witch if you must. If you want me, I'll be back in Nashkel." Edwin turned on his heels and stalked off. It would have been a highly dramatic exit with his red robes grandly flowing behind him if they hadn't caught on a thorny twig just then. Edwin cursed and yanked them loose with a loud ripping sound, producing a long tear. The Red Wizard pointed a finger at the bush and spoke a few words, causing it to burst into flames. When nothing remained of it except for a black and charred husk he wiped his hands with a satisfied smile and walked away.

"You'll be back before tomorrow morning!" Rini yelled after his retreating back.

"No, I won't", Edwin said without slowing or turning around. "Not even a horde of rabid monkeys could force me back into your odious presence."

"That's what you think, you puffed-up egomaniac!"

"That's what I know, you red-headed little brat!"

"Smug, supercilious snake!"

"Annoying, envious amateur!"

"Big-headed buffoon!"

"Twittering twerp!"

"Blockhead!"

"Airhead!"

"Oh yeah?" Zaerini screamed after the now distant figure of the wizard. "It's not me walking around with a tear in my clothes making me look like some courtesan trying to display as much leg as possible to her customers!"

The half-elf couldn't quite catch Edwin's reply, but she did see him hurriedly pull his torn robe together. Pity. She'd sort of enjoyed the view for a moment. Then the wizard disappeared behind some trees and was gone.

"Are you quite finished?" Jaheira asked. "Or do you suppose there are some monsters around that haven't already been alerted to our presence?"

"He started it", Rini muttered.

"And you kept on with it. Really, you should try to be a little more mature."

"Why?" Zaerini said. "That sounds extremely dull."

Imoen sighed. "Shame that he left", she said. "He was sort of fun, you know. And I never thought I'd meet anybody who knew as many insults as you do, sis."

Zaerini grinned, her yellow eyes sparkling with sudden mirth. "Don't you worry", she said. "He'll be back."

"How can you be so sure?"

Zaerini pointed at the packs lying on the ground where the camp had been set up for the night. "Because", she said, "he just walked off without his spellbook. Trust me. He'll be back."

The sky was rapidly darkening now. Edwin's temper began to cool down in time with the air and it came to him that perhaps walking off on his own wasn't so much a proud gesture of defiance as a random act of rampaging bad judgement. After all, he had only recently spent a lot of time and effort on worming his way into Zaerini's party. Walking out on her would seem to negate all of that without gaining him anything whatsoever in return. It was just that he had been so furious with the girl that he had temporarily managed to forget all about the Plan. The wizard's steps slowed to an almost crawl as the consequences of his actions came crashing home. Zaerini would never accept him back now! He had just gone and destroyed the entire mission in a fit of temper! Why, oh why couldn't he be more calm and collected? Edwin's stomach felt as if it was violently twisting itself into a knot and he blanched. He could imagine his teacher's likely reaction to this little escapade. How could Edwin possibly explain this?

Teacher Dekaras, I threw a tantrum and walked away from the target. Where? Oh, somewhere in the middle of the woods, I'm not really sure. Where she is now? No idea whatsoever. Oh, and here's the part you'll really love. Since I'm not there to influence her she will likely take up with a Rashemani Witch and the Wychlaran will get their way with her.

No. That wouldn't do at all. Perhaps if it was dressed up a little?

Teacher Dekaras, I am sorry to say that while I was able to make contact I was unable to maintain it, due to that half-elf being the most aggravating woman on the face of Toril. So I simply tossed all pretense of professionalism out the window and dropped the assignment like a newborn foal, destroying my entire career before it even had a chance to begin. If I was previously on a low rung on the career ladder I have now dropped through the basement and am rapidly heading towards the core of the planet. To sum things up, my life isn't worth a dead cockroach. Please kill me quickly.

Oh, of course his mentor wouldn't actually kill him. Death might have been preferable to the sarcastic comments certain to come however.

"Perhaps I can just run away", Edwin muttered to himself. "Far, far away into the woods. I could become a…a…a lumberjack or something." Then he winced as he remembered the two moronic lumberjacks the party had slain as they tried to cut down the tree of a dryad. The treespirit hadn't paid very much, but Jaheira had insisted on helping her anyway. The two men had been very firmly discouraged from cutting down that particular tree. No, perhaps not a lumberjack after all. Then Edwin's stomach growled. "Oh, wonderful", he said. "Now I'm hungry too. I could murder for a good Thayvian dinner right now."

"Grrrr…" The voice that brought Edwin forcefully out of his reverie was a low growl, but there were obvious words as well. "Hungrrrry… Murrrderrrr… Dinnerrrrrr…" It was followed by many loud roars of barking laughter. Edwin froze in his tracks. He had a feeling he knew what had made those sounds. A group of a dozen large gnolls stepped out from the trees. They reminded him a little of very large dogs. Very large brown dogs with dirty yellow manes, walking on two legs, and heavily armed. One of them lifted its leg against a tree, leaning on a nasty-looking halberd as it took care of business.

"Morrrre food forrrr storrrage", a second gnoll growled. This one was even larger, with reddish fur, and wore some sort of badge of rank. "Smarrrt food like the otherrrr. Scrrream nicely, not like dumb deerrrr and rrrrabbits. Good forrr feast! You! Fido! Fetch!"

Edwin just had time to hear a rustling sound behind him before a heavy fist slammed down on top of his head and everything went black. His last thought before he slipped into unconsciousness was that obviously he wasn't the only one ready to murder for a Thayvian dinner.