In The Cards

There is a legend about ancient bards possessing the power to kill by the use of their voice alone, sapping their victim's will to live. Interestingly enough, one or two of their descendants seem to have inherited this skill in its purest, unschooled form.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

Once the group had passed the small bridge across the river Zaerini noticed that they had left the proper Nashkel town behind. There was a simple farmhouse here and there, surrounded by fields. Now and then she could see a human at a distance, but they never approached. Probably the recent bandit attacks made them wary of strangers. She was therefore a bit surprised to see a man come walking straight up to them, a wide and amiable smile on his face. He looked to be in his thirties, but there was something about the open and innocent look on his face that reminded her of a very small child.

"Hi, I'm Noober", he said. "Nice place, huh?"

"Er, sure", Rini responded. "Do you live around here? Can you tell us anything about the area?"

The man just grinned.

"So, killed any monsters yet?" he asked, ignoring her question. "Ever been to Baldur's Gate? I've been to Baldur's Gate."

"I've killed some monsters, yes. But I've never been to Baldur's Gate. Is it nice?"

Noober stared vacantly at her for a minute. Just as she thought he was about to answer he stared at his own feet instead. "Ugh, I think I stepped in something", he said, sounding mournful. Behind her Rini could hear Imoen giggle.

"Oh, dear", the half-elf sighed. "We'll just be going now." Obviously the man was the village idiot. She turned to leave. Unfortunately Noober would have none of that. He grabbed her arm and clung to it adoringly.

"Everyone in town used to throw rocks at me and tell me I was annoying", he said in a solemn voice.

"Oh, I really wonder why", Zaerini could hear Edwin mutter behind her.

Noober was oblivious to the sarcasm. "What time is it?" he asked. "I haven't had a conversation this long, well... ever!"

"That's wonderful", Zaerini said, trying in vain to yank her arm free. "Now would you just let go?"

Noober paid no attention. He had caught sight of Minsc and stared at him with open admiration. "What's that big weapon for?" he asked, sounding admiring.

"That is Minsc's trusty sword", the giant berserker proudly explained. "It is for the slashing and chopping of evil villains into tiny, tiny villain-bits. I would show you, but my new friend Zaerini says I mustn't hack the wizard's head off, at least not now. And Minsc always keeps his word, or he would not be Minsc."

"And we would all be immensely grateful if you were anybody else but a great, lumbering ape of an imbecile", Edwin sneered. "You could almost be related to this other, more common idiot. (In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if they are. Certainly they both have that certain inbred look and the same sparkling wit.)" This last was uttered in an aside half-whisper, that Zaerini wasn't sure whether he intended for any ears but his own.

"I would not say such things if I were you", Jaheira warned. "Minsc may have promised to keep his peace, but I think he may forget himself if you provoke him too far."

"Oh, that's very fair and just, that is", the Red Wizard retorted. "I am supposed to just stand here and swallow the insults of that brainless dolt?" Whatever Jaheira's reply would have been she never got the chance to utter it. Noober chose that moment to clutch at Edwin's robe with his free arm, yanking the wizard closer as he stared with great fascination at the red cloth. This also had the added effect of banging the heads of the bard and the wizard together, something that annoyed them both immensely.

"Would you quit that!" Rini growled, trying her best to clamp down on her rapidly rising anger. She really had no wish to see this poor fool slaughtered like those assassins in Candlekeep, but if he kept this farce up much longer she didn't know if she would be able to control herself. Mustn't…kill…poor innocent fool…

"Unhand me, oaf!" Edwin ordered. "You would not wish to make me truly angry." He smirked as she said that, and probably would have looked very menacing if it wasn't for the fact that he, Noober and Zaerini were currently bundled together in something resembling a group hug.

"Those colors look pretty stoopid on you..." Noober said, still staring at the red robe.

"O-Oh dear", Zaerini heard Khalid whisper quietly. "I-I don't think he should have said that. I r-really don't think so."

"Take that back right now!" Edwin hissed.

Noober crossed his arms across his chest, shaking his head defiantly while sticking his tongue out.

"That does it", the wizard said in a low voice, his dark eyes flashing with violent fury. This time he really did look and sound menacing, particularly once he reached for his spell components. "You're dead."

"What are you doing?" Rini yelled, clutching the wizard's arm as persistently as Noober had hers. "You can't just kill him like that!"

Edwin paused, looking genuinely puzzled. "Why not?" he asked. "Don't tell me he wasn't annoying you too."

"Well, yeah! But I usually don't kill people simply because they're annoying. It would have been different if he'd been a real threat."

"Fine", the wizard said, sounding rather cold. "If you don't appreciate my efforts you can just deal with him yourself. (That should teach her to be respectful to her betters.)"

"Fine! I will." Zaerini thought for a moment. Then an idea came to her, something that she had done when she was very young and wanted to temporarily get rid of the 'baby' Imoen. "Noober", she said, smiling at the man. "We're going to play a game."

"Oooh!" Noober said, his eyes gleaming with excitement. "Is it a fun game?"

"Of course it is. It's called 'Hide-And-Seek'. You will run away and hide as best as you can, and we will wait here. Then we will try to find you. I'm sure you're very good at hiding."

"I am!" Noober squealed. "IamIamIam! My Ma says I'm a great runner and hider."

"Good. Now, off you go. And if you can stay hidden all day without us finding you, then you will have won the game. Good luck!"

Noober jumped up and down with excitement like an overeager puppy, and then scampered hurriedly off across the fields until he was completely out of sight.

"See?" Rini said, grinning triumphantly to Edwin. "It isn't always necessary to go haywire and kill people. Being calm and reasonable has its good points too." She was then startled to hear Jaheira snort loudly, Khalid chuckle in a half-choked voice and Imoen scream with hysterical laughter, pounding her hands on her knees. Minsc just watched them all, looking very puzzled.

"What?" Zaerini demanded. "What! Would somebody tell me just what the joke is here?"

"Oh, nothing, sis", Imoen said, tears streaming down her face. "Nothing whatsoever."

"Pleased to meet you, Lady Pot", Edwin said triumphantly. "You may call me Lord Kettle, and it would appear that we are both roughly the same attractive shade of black, or possibly red in this case."

"Hmmpf", Zaerini said. "Seems everybody thinks they're jesters these days. Now perhaps we can get going before he decides to come back? Right, Minsc? You seem to be the one sensible person around here."

The large man didn't answer immediately, but cupped Boo closely to his ear for a moment or two. Then his face split into a huge smile. "Minsc understands now!" he bellowed with laughter. "Very funny joke, once Boo explained the funny part!" Then he too started laughing. In the nearby field a small herd of sheep bleated with terror and stampeded off like fluffy comets.

"Great", Rini muttered. "Just great. Didn't we have some gnolls to hunt or something?"

Don't sulk kitten, Softpaws said, her mental voice sounding amused. Cats don't like getting laughed at, but if they trip over their own paws they have only themselves to blame.