In The Cards

It is funny how things turn out sometimes. The most poisonous mind may be hidden by a sweet voice. Equally, the most obnoxious individual alive may hold hidden depths of treasure. Extricating them from the Dragon Of Bad Temper may prove a bit of a tough chore though.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

The stranger looked even larger up close, as huge as Gorion's murderer, Zaerini thought. She doubted this fellow had ever had a malicious thought in his life though. He was completely bald, his face was partially covered with a large purple tattoo, and his eyes were glowing with friendly enthusiasm that was just a little bit frightening.

"I agree, Boo, they look to be friendly", the man said, addressing the small hamster on his shoulder. The animal stared at Rini with unblinking black eyes, and she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being weighed and measured. Then the stranger turned to her, a wide smile on his face. "Greetings", he said, "we are Minsc and Boo. We have traveled far to explore this land, but now my charge Dynaheir has been taken from us. 'Twas gnolls, and once we have tracked them I will beat sense into their heads until they release her. Accompany us and bards will sing the deeds of Minsc and Boo....and friends."

I don't know about songs, Zaerini thought, but I think you could at least inspire me to a minor verse or two, my large friend. I wonder where you come from.

"Excuse me", Jaheira said. "But are you talking to a rodent?" The druid looked as if she wasn't quite sure what to make of all this.

That is a rat! Softpaws said hungrily. The black cat was riding inside Rini's pack, her eyes and front paws sticking out as she watched Boo with obvious interest. A nice, plump, juicy rat!

Don't you even think about it! Rini admonished her familiar. Do you really want a man that large to be furious with you for eating his pet? And besides, it's a hamster.

"Boo is no mere rodent!" Minsc said, sounding a little affronted. "He is my faithful animal companion, the only miniature giant space hamster to walk the Realms! After my…my head wound I was lost for a while, until I bought Boo off a kindly little halfling merchant who told me of his unique lineage and noble ferociousness. And Boo has been fighting at my side ever since, as well as guiding my steps with his wise words."

"Oh", Jaheira said, sounding a little dazed at this explanation. "I suppose that explains everything."

"Y-yes", Khalid said. "But who is this D-Dynaheir that you speak of?"

"Dynaheir is Minsc's Witch", the huge man said, beaming proudly. "And a very good Witch she is too! One of the best in Rasheman. She almost never gets impatient with me, and she is doing very important work! And Minsc is doing important work too, by guarding her. It is my dejemma, my way of getting into the proud Ice Dragon Berserker Lodge!" His face fell. "But now I have lost her, and she must be rescued before the evil gnolls do her harm. You will come to help, won't you?"

Zaerini thought about this for a moment. She had read a little of Rasheman. Obviously a Rashemani Witch travelling so far from home would have to be a fairly powerful magic user. Perhaps this Dynaheir would prove a valuable ally, assuming she was still alive. Then too, nobody deserved to be savaged by gnolls.

"All right, Minsc", she said. "We'll see what we can do to help you. I am Zaerini, this is Imoen, this is Khalid."

"What about the mines?" Jaheira insisted. "We said we would go soon."

"Oh, come on", Rini said. "We can't leave the poor woman to rot, can we? The mines aren't going anywhere." She turned to Minsc again. "And this is Jaheira, our resident grouch. You'll get used to her. Maybe."

"We r-really should try to help a damsel in d-distress", Khalid agreed. "I-it won't take long, surely."

"Yeah", Imoen agreed. "That's what heroes do, isn't it?"

"Oh, very well", Jaheira agreed. "I suppose you are right, even if I am afraid the unfortunate woman is likely to be dead by now."

"Dynaheir is not dead!" Minsc protested. "She is alive and well and held captive in the Gnoll Stronghold to the west of here! But now she will be free! Minsc and Boo and friends to the rescue! Tremble, evil dog-men! We are coming to make you housebroken!"

I really could have done without that mental image, Zaerini thought. "Right", she said. "No sense in delaying it. Let's head south out of town and then west. I remember the Mayor mentioned something about a bridge leading out of town…"

Meanwhile, Edwin Odesseiron was having a really bad start to his day, a fact that was mostly his own fault. Now that his assigned target had arrived in town all that remained was getting close to her. He had discussed various strategies with his mentor the evening before. Eventually they had decided that he should make no attempt to hide his origin, since that was almost certainly going to fail anyway. Rather he would present himself as a Red Wizard travelling the North for reasons of his own, and in need of armed companions to make his journey easier.

Red Wizards are known for their secrecy anyway, Dekaras had said. It is only natural for you to be closemouthed.

Suppose she insists on knowing though?

Then you will just have to make something up. I suggest modifying your story according to your impression of her. Make the lie something that will be palatable to her. And don't overcomplicate it. The best lies are the ones that are almost entirely true. Oh, and do your best to 'accidentally' impress her with your skills. Something nice and flashy.

Surely you don't expect me to perform like a trained monkey? Edwin had asked, feeling indignant.

I expect you to do whatever it takes to get yourself into that girl's good graces. You will stand on your head juggling eggs with your feet while singing the Thayvian National Anthem if that is her price for letting you into her group. You do want this mission to succeed, don't you?

And so it was that Edwin was currently standing on the small wooden bridge leading out of Nashkel, waiting for an opportunity to make his move. He had glimpsed the half-elf and her group from a distance earlier, and had overheard them mentioning the mines. This would be the logical route for them to take out of town. Now he just had to make his preparations. Something flashy…

Eventually he settled upon a conjuration spell. A small horde of xvarts materialized out of nowhere, little blue men with shrill and piping voices who eyed him warily. They would make the perfect ambush, and then he could 'accidentally' pass by, incinerating them with a lot of accompanying bangs and flashes. If that didn't impress Zaerini he didn't know what would. Waiting was getting a little slow though. And then the most dangerous thing that could possibly have happened to Edwin happened. He got bored. As always, this spelled disaster.

I wonder which spell would be best, Edwin mused. Magic Missiles are good, but perhaps Agannazar's Scorcher is more graphic. Now how does that one go again…

He hadn't intended to actually cast the spell. Not really. It was just that he was a little preoccupied with his upcoming delicate mission, and so he not only spoke the words as he had meant to, but performed the appropriate hand gestures as well. A jet of flame shot out of his palm, causing him to spit out a surprised oath as it burnt one of the Xvarts to a crisp. And then he saw two dozen tiny blue faces turn towards him, their eyes glittering with bloodlust.

"Uh-Oh…" Edwin said. Then he ran, a screaming and yipping blue mass hot on his heels. No way to stop to cast another spell, they would be on him in moments. Frantically rushing across the bridge as fast as his legs could carry him he wondered how things could have gone so wrong so quickly. He also cursed the idiot who had first decided that mages should wear long robes, a garment hideously unsuited for running.

Whoever first stated that the important, life-changing events in our lives tend to take us completely by surprise was certainly right. Rini was walking casually along, chatting with Minsc about Rasheman. It sure sounded like an interesting place, she thought. She was just about to ask him a question about the Witches as she turned the corner of a building and was instantly bowled over as somebody collided with her at very high speed, knocking her flat on her back. She found herself gasping for air like a fish on dry land, trying to determine which of the many sets of arms and legs were her own and which belonged to the jerk who had run into her.

"Hey!" she protested. "Just what do you think you're doing, you moron!"

"Get off me, you stupid woman!" the stranger snarled, showing no intention of apologizing. "They are coming!"

Zaerini managed to stumble to her feet, just in time to be faced by a blue midget that tried to impale her kneecaps with the smallest sword she had ever seen. She swatted it aside with the flat of her own sword and was satisfied to see it hit the wall with a splat.

"Who are you calling stupid, stupid?" she asked. "At least I watch where I'm going." Out of the corner of her eye she could see Khalid and Jaheira mowing the small blue men down like grass. The blood was blue too, she noted. Minsc roared with fury as one of the midgets bit his leg. He scraped it off, then stomped down heard, and there was nothing left but a wet spot on the ground. Then the lifted his large sword and started swinging it around like a lethal windmill. Imoen, who had been trying to get behind him to find a safe spot from which to shoot her arrows, had to leap backwards to avoid getting decapitated.

"Much good that will do you if you don't shut up and let me do my work", the stranger retorted. He started muttering to himself, twitching his fingers. Then a faintly glowing golden cloud enveloped the screaming blue midgets, instantly sending them all into a deep sleep. "What are you all waiting for?" the man asked impatiently. "Kill them quickly, before they awake."

"You want us to kill them while they're all asleep?" Imoen asked, sounding a little horrified.

"No, I want us to sit around here telling each other amusing fairy tales until they all awake to bite our toes off. Of course I want us to kill them while they're asleep. That is the purpose of a Sleep spell, you know."

Zaerini didn't much like this fellow's attitude, but she had to admit that he had a point. The remaining little monsters were quickly disposed of. Then she gave the inconsiderate stranger a hard look. He was wearing wizard robes of a deep, dark red, the exact color of fresh blood, and with a cowl that partially covered his face. She could tell that he was fairly young though, probably no more than a few years older than herself, even if that small beard was probably intended to make him look older. It didn't work very well. For somebody who had just insulted a group of armed strangers he looked remarkably confident, arrogant even. Dark eyes stared into Zaerini's own golden ones with intent interest, as if he was trying to decide whether to deign to speak to her. Then he took in the others, looking just a little bit alarmed at the sight of Minsc, though he hid it quickly enough.

"Well", he said, in a not unpleasantly accented voice. "It seems you are not entirely worthless in combat. I may have some use for you after all. I am the wizard Edwin and I require the services of a skilled group of mercenaries to assist me in my travels. However, it seems I will have to make do with you."

"Oh, really?" Rini asked, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "I feel so honored. Why should we be interested in joining up with you, your worship?"

The wizard shrugged. "I am a conjurer of peerless skill", he said, with no trace of modesty. "You will find no better in these barbarian woods, and I doubt you will survive long without my magic to aid you."

"You!" Minsc roared. "You are one of the evil wizards. Boo knows you!"

"If you don't stop pointing that rodent at me, Rashemani, you will soon find it stuffed down your gaping mouth", the wizard sneered. Minsc's armor creaked as his muscles bulged, and only the combined efforts of Khalid and Jaheira kept him from attacking Edwin outright.

"Will you stop provoking him!" Rini yelled.

"Watch out, Zaerini", Jaheira warned as she gave the wizard a wary look. "I recognize his garb and demeanor. He is a Red Wizard of Thay, assuredly not to be trusted. There will be much he has not told you."

"Maybe", Rini said. "But he wouldn't be alone in that. Right, Jaheira?" And she gave the druid a pointed look that eventually caused the other woman to look away.

An interesting male, that one, Softpaws commented as she emerged from her hiding-place inside Zaerini's pack. The ones that carry their tail very high are usually good fun, even if you have to scratch them a time or two to put them in their place.

I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about.

Whatever you say, kitten.

"Have you made up your minds yet?" Edwin asked. "I have better things to do than to stand around here all day waiting for you to kickstart your braincells."

"Well, I guess we could use a wizard", Zaerini reluctantly agreed. "You can come. But it will be a trial period at first, to see how things work out. And I will be the one to give the orders, is that understood? Just nod if 'yes' is a too complicated word for you."

"It is agreed", Edwin said. "For now. Make sure not to let my acquiescence go to your head though. I will expect you to perform superbly now that you are in my service."

"What?! I'm in your…" Zaerini bit the words back. She had the feeling that strangling the infuriating wizard in the middle of the Nashkel main street would do nothing to make the local citizens impressed with her. She vowed to make him eat his words at the soonest possible occasion however. Preferably raw.

That's the way, kitten, Softpaws said. Keep your claws sharp, then smack him to make him run squealing. He will be all the better for it, you'll see.