Okay, this one is filled to the brim with references.
Also, I wanted to do this when the Songcontest was still fresh in mind. Apologies in advance to any British readers and songcontest viewers. Hope you like it!
Tnt 106 : A pirate I was meant to be...
"LAND HO!" was the first step in a rather elaborate docking procedure at the docks of Brynnlaw, a small island that had been the Swiftwind's destination. Though the island was only a few miles off the coast of the Tethyr peninsula, the climate was very topical : warm and wet. A second problem arose when Viconia found out that there wasn't a single birth suitable for a ship with two side-pontoons. So, they had to settle for the last berth at the docks, leaving the ship dangling precariously by two single ropes off the gangway, making it necessary for the ship to be watched at all times. Of the three hired elven crew members, only Mook went with the party as they went on land, while Korgan and Keldorn opted to stay on board too, for the time being.
The party looked across the town and Imoen was the most giddy about it. Vibrantly colored and cube-shaped houses built into the cliffside were like those she had seen in picturebooks so long ago back at Candlekeep. The illusion, though, was quickly shattered.
Several fierce-looking perpetually sneering pirates patrolled the streets of the small village like an occupational force, as frightened townspeople evaded their steps and generally got out of their way. Ever so often, shouts and curses could be heard from the docks, while in some places, a group of young, frightened and scantily clad girls stood in the streets, shivering whenever any of the pirates gazed upon them.
"I don't like this place, Laska," Rose sighed and instinctively grasped Laska by the arm a little tighter.
"It was a lot better before those pirates showed up," Imoen said.
"Let's sleep on the ship for now," Laska said, "instead of one of the inns until we know what's going on here and where Spellhold is."
"Spellhold is near here," Mook said. "But these angry pirates are new. The pirates here used to be a lot... nicer. We should look for the inn and look for Mister Cheese. If he's still here."
Going up the stairs, the party was soon confronted by two inns situated next to each other. "Hey, the second one is new! It used to be a granary that was there," Mook said puzzled.
"Shall we check them both out?" Imoen asked. "I'm sure Laska won't mind."
"Boo shall watch for evil, pirates, oh, yes!" Minsc grinned.
"In the meantime," Dynaheir added. "Thou must tell Boo to stop nibbling on my staff. Those hamster-bitemarks are most unseemly."
"Okay," Laska said. "You check out that other one, Rose and I will take the one on the right."
"I don't know," Rose said wary as she read the inn's name. "It's called 'The Wanking Monkey'. Doesn't sound very female-friendly to me."
"And 'The SCUMM bar' does?" Laska grinned. "Come on, I sure they'll have hard liquor there," the elf was practically salivating now.
"Oh, when Laska gets that look on her face," Imoen giggled while Laska and Rose detached from the group and headed towards the second inn, which seemed considerably more shabby than the SCUMM bar, "you're not going to stop her."
While Rose was still debating with Laska about going into the 'Wanking Monkey', two pirates peered at them from the alley between the two inns.
"You think that's them?" Filthy Pirate One spoke.
"Quiet, fool!" Filthy Pirate Two snapped. "Those are elves, they'll hear you!"
"The clothes are right and the Tattoos on the tall elf are a clear sign," Filthy Pirate One added. "I'm sure they're the Rashemite Lesbian singing-duo 'Tattoo'."
"Aren't they supposed to be two gnomes?"
"Oh, shut up!" Filthy Pirate One snapped. "Two elves are hotter!"
"I think one of them is a half-elf."
"Which one?"
"The shorter one!"
"You sure?"
"You blind?"
"You think they're for real?"
"What do you mean?"
"I've heard they both have boyfriends and only pretend to be lesbians to draw a crowd."
"I dunno, they seem pretty close to me..."
"Oh, shut up, just get them on stage before we lose our jobs," Filthy Pirate One said. "Ahum, excuse me, ladies," he said while the two women whipped around. "We've been waiting for you, please follow us."
"Laska, no," Rose pleaded.
"There will be free drinks for all!" Filthy Pirate One announced cheerfully.
Laska practically dragged poor Rose into the inn.
---
"A pirates I was meant to be," a three-voice chorus of pirates sang as they finished up their song. One was a large bushy-bearded pirate with a kilt, the second was long and thin, while the third was stocky and had a mad gleam in his eyes, "trim the sails and roam the sea!"
The SCUMM bar was looking considerably more pleasant than the rest of town. There were several overly dressed pirates sitting at the tables. In fact, they were so deliberately cliched they drew a lot of chuckles from the gathered party.
"Ah, just as I remember it," Mook smiled as she surveyed the area. There was a long bar with many kegs behind it. One happy fellow was twirling on one of the copper chandeliers while another silent pirate sat in the corner, wearing a tag on his clothes which said : "Ask me about SAM & MAX 2." A hall was severed for several faux-official VIP's (Very Important Pirates). The SCUMM bar was clean and tidy, which contrasted nicely with the knife-dart boards in the corners. Further investigation yielded that these were in fact, rubber knives.
"Fear me!" a raspy voice sounded from the shadows. "I am MURRAY! The mighty demonic skull! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh, look Boo," Minsc said. "It is a talking skull! Wouldn't that be a nice gift for little Viconia," he said and tried to take the skull from its perch.
"Hey, hey, HEY," Murray shouted from his pedestal. "Hands of the merchandise, fleshy! I will bite your fingers off! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm part of this maliciously evil decorum! Mwuah!"
"Oh, Minsc is sorry," the gentle giant announced. "I did not know you could think..."
"Nah," Jan spoke up. "Too easy...."
"I don't think this decorum is particularly evil," Dynaheir muttered.
"Well," Murray said, "it has peanut shells on the floor, that's pretty evil. Especially if one gets stuck in your foot and KILLS YOU! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
In the meantime, Imoen had walked over to the bar where a short man with a deep voice and a huge chin was standing. "Okay, grog me!" Imoen grinned.
"ID," the man said impassively.
Imoen blinked. "No, really. Grog me."
"No, really," the man insisted, "ID!"
"I, um," Imoen gulped, "left it in my other lockpickset. But, come on, I'm old enough!"
"Are you over 21?" the man asked.
"Errm, no..." Imoen blushed.
"Then I must warn you that I will not give you any alcohol on the count of the fact that it rots your liver, your brain, ruins your life and destroys your spirit!!" the man said.
"But when I'm 21, all that stuff won't happen to me anymore?"
"Of course not!" the man said. "Only under 21 will alcohol be able to ruin your life," he said calmly, spit on a glass and cleaned it. "But right now, I can only offer you this 0.000005 proof pre-grog."
"That'll do," Imoen said. "My name's Imoen. What's yours?"
"Cheese is the name, madam, Ignatius Cheese," the man said and took off his hat.
Imoen blinked. "Your name is I. Cheese?"
"Aye."
"Cheese?"
"Aye..."
"Fair enough, I suppose," Imoen said. "So, why's this place so much cheerful than outside."
"It's a long story," Ignatius sighed. "You see, we're not really pirates, though. We're not into pillage and murder and theft and such... Well, except maybe Bill," he said, pointing at the stocky singing pirate. "But we mostly came here to be away from opressive rules. We don't want 9-to-5 jobs and get hassled by 'the man', you see? We just want to live quiet and free lives, away from any trouble."
"Obviously, trouble found thee," Dynaheir said.
"Yes," Ignatius said. "Some idiot at Spellhold summoned up this demon Queen Beryl who started terrorizing us and chased our pirate princess Elaine and a lot of our friends out into the hills outside the village. Luckily, a group of girls calling themselves the Sailor Senshi, led by one young girl Usagi came and kicked Beryl out. Lucky for us."
"Really? Where are they now?" Mook asked.
"Oh, they went back to their native Kara-tur by boat, taking the scenic route," Ignatius said, "with the hold stuffed to the brim with cake and a year's supply of Saké."
"Would be heaven for Laska," Jan grinned. "Spending a year on a boat with girls and booze."
"Then your friend is a pervert," Ignatius snorted. "Those poor girls couldn't be older than 15..."
"So, what happened?"
"Sadly, the Sailor Senshi left a power-vacuum which was filled by the evil pirate lord Desharik before Elaine could return," Ignatius sighed. "He took the town's daughters, installed a rule of violence and tyranny while keeping us nice pirates under his thumb. The SCUMM bar is the last bastion we have and even that might change soon... I've heard rumors that Desharik wants to turn it into a sushibar, for cripe's sake!"
"Ladies and gentlemen," Imoen said, "I feel a new quest coming up."
---
"Okay," Filthy Pirate One told Laska as he guided the two elves to the stage.
"Nothing's okay!" Laska snarled. "Where's my booze?!"
"You'll get your fill after you've played your song," Filthy Pirate Two said. "We're expecting a lot of you, here!"
"Laska!" Rose hissed. "I can't sing and you can't dance."
"I hope you're better than yesterday's act," Filthy Pirate One said. "There was this duo from the Moonsheas called Gemini, but they sang so off key that we had to hang them out back and use them as dart boards."
"LASKA!" Rose hissed again.
"Ohhh, so that was that weird smell!" Laska said.
Without much trouble, aside from some struggling from Rose, the two found themselves standing on a small stage looking out over a dank, smokey hole of an inn which smelled much like a dead pig in the sun. The audience was completely male, made up from the same filthy sneering pirates as they saw in the street. Right now, the men were openly leering at the two women on stage.
"So, ummm, are you ready to rock?" Laska asked her audience, unknowingly thrusting her chest forward. Immediately, she pulled her chest back and the cheers stopped. They resumed as soon as the elf's bosum came into view again, and again stopped when the elf pulled back. "Geez, I've figured out what sets this crowd off..." Laska muttered.
"Hey, they're not naked?" one voice sounded from the audience. "They're 'Tattoo', right? They always perform naked! We want to see them perform naked!"
"TAKE IF OFF! LET THE VEST FLY!" A second voice shouted from the sweaty audience.
"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!" Laska shouted, already drinking in her mind.
"KISSSS HER!" sounded from the audience.
"Yeah! LITTLE ONE : KISS THE BIG ONE!"
"BIG SLOPPY WET KISS!!!"
"What?" Rose shouted. "You want us to do WHAT?! On stage?! In front of you perverts?!"
"YESSS!" sounded a chorus from the audience.
"But why?!" Rose tried.
"Because we wanna see it!!!"
"YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK FREAKS!" Rose shouted back to them. "We won't kiss on stage for your benefit!"
"Well, why else do you think we go to your performances then?" a voice sounded.
"Yeah! Take it off and kiss her!" shouted another man. Unfortunately, poor Rose found herself a little to close to the edge of the stage. The half-elf yelped as a filthy hand shot from the mass of audience and grabbed her around the ankle. Furiously, Rose tried to yank her foot free and get away from the hands extending from the audience.
Suddenly, out of the blue, a large steel-to'ed boot crushed down on the hand holding Rose, crushing bone as it pushed down. Rose looked up to Laska with grateful eyes, but judging from the expression on Laska's face, Rose half-expected steam to explode from her lover's ears.
STAGEDIVE! one of the pirates managed to shout as Laska dove into the audience, punching pirate after pirate after pirate. She high-kicked one pirate against the chin, so that he flew backwards and took down several others with his, giving her some room to work in. A roundhouse kick took care of another. Grinning like a shark, the elf jumped and flipped into the air, grabbing hold of the shoulderpads of one of the surprised pirates. Effortlessly, Laska's strength and momentum took care of hoisting the pirate into the air and slamming him into the wall after having released him in midair.
Laska considered it was time to end the fight, and then she noticed the rat who had managed to grab Rose in the crowd. Narrowing her eyes, the elf shot through the crowd like a cannonball from a cannon and before the rat knew what happened, the elf had grabbed both sides of his face and gave a sharp jerk to the left. The rat sank to his knees, his neck clearly snapped.
The crowd of pirates waded backwards as they saw they killed comrade. Regarding the elf with new respect, they backed away from her. Laska smiled and extended her arm to Rose, allowing her lover to jump off stage. Catching her, Laska put her down and together, they walked towards the bar. Laska took a bottle of scotch and put it under her arm, while laying her other arm across Rose's shoulder. Rose, in turn, laid her arm possessively around Laska's waist. Just before the couple left the 'Wanking Monkey', Rose turned her head towards the crowd and made a rude gesture with her free hand.
"That's it!" Filthy Pirate One shouted after them. "You'll never work in show business again!"
"We are SO fired," Filthy Pirate Two sighed.
"Oh, yeah..."
Thanks for reading!
---Weyoun
{EDIT} Small section added in the middle part of the story.
