Cards Reshuffled

If your very existence and the things you do can make another person lose control, that can have many positive benefits. Not only in romance, but in combat as well. After all, if the enemy is frustrated to no end by the terrible crime of your existence, he’s less likely to be able to actually hit you.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Hellkitten, I would like to ask you something,” Edwin murmured as the party climbed down from the roof of the Copper Coronet. “Privately.”

“Sure!” Zaerini said, smiling at the wizard. A pleasant little jolt ran through her at the sound of his voice uttering that nickname. I’d do just about anything for him when he sounds like that. I’d better not let him know. “Anything you want…I mean…er…let’s just fall behind the others a little.” She waved the rest of her companions on, earning herself a raised eyebrow from Jaheira and a worried look from Anomen. “So…” she said, once the others had passed around the corner, wondering at how husky her voice suddenly sounded. “What can I do for you?”

The Red Wizard hesitated for a moment. “I…noticed you seemed distressed back there,” he said. “I was speaking to you and you did not even hear me. I just thought that…if there is anything my superior and cosmic magical powers can do to alleviate your problems, of if my masterful and razor-sharp intellect might be of assistance, that I could possibly…” He floundered for a few seconds, refusing to meet her eyes. “That I could possibly help somehow, and I certainly hope you appreciate the incredible honor that has been granted to you and will be properly appreciative. (Oh yes. I really hope so. But…I would have offered either way.)”

Rini felt her heart take a few extra leaps as she worked her way through this convoluted statement, and she spontaneously reached up to touch the wizard’s cheek, her fingers trembling a little bit. “Oh Eddie…” she said. “Thank you. That really does mean a lot to me, you know. That you know me well enough to notice a thing like that, and care enough to want to help.” Such lovely dark eyes he has…makes me feel like I’m about to melt.

Edwin seemed quite hot himself, actually. He had taken her hand, still holding it pressed to his face, and he was breathing rather heavily, his cheeks flushed. “Ah,” he said, laughing nervously. “Of course I would notice such things, it goes without saying. I am after all obsessed…I mean possessed…I mean, in possession of the finest brain in all of Thay. (Well, at least of my generation.) These chimps you insist on surrounding yourself with for comical relief wouldn’t notice a slavering giant lobster charging towards them, I am certain. And it…er…is only natural that I would wish to aid one of the few people fully capable of appreciating me properly. Yes. That’s right.” His grip on her hand tightened just a little bit. “Now, tell me what is the matter.”

Slowly at first, and then with greater speed, she told him all about what had happened in the battle, how she had come close to losing herself in the taint of Bhaal, in the bloodlust, and finished with the way she had thought she had heard Sarevok speaking to her. “I…guess I’m scared,” she concluded. “Scared of winding up like my brother did. You were there, you saw him. And I’m scared of what it means that I think I heard him talking to me. Irenicus…what he did to me…it made the Bhaal-part of me stronger, I think. What if it did something else, as well?” She bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “What if I’m going insane? I don’t want to believe it, but I can’t stop thinking about it…”

Edwin had listened intently to every word she said, never taking his eyes off her face. Now he turned her hand over, and then briefly touched his lips to her palm, something that made it feel as if living fire was rushing through her arm and straight into her brain. Her legs were feeling more than a little unsteady, all of a sudden. “You are not insane,” he firmly stated. “And you will not become so either, never think that. I do not know what it was that you heard, but I do know that much. I know you.” He was still looking into her eyes, and it seemed he was on the verge of saying something more. Then his lips quirked into a fleeting smile. “And since I am of course always perfectly right, and even more so in matters to which I have devoted much careful study, there is absolutely no reason for you to worry.” His thumb was rubbing her palm, making soothing little circles. “No reason at all.”

“Then I will promise to try not to,” she said, smiling back. “And…will you be continuing your…studies?”

“Naturally. How could I not, with the subject such a fascinating one? Rest assured, I will surpass even my current knowledge and be the greatest expert in the world.” Still he kept holding onto her hand, and she noticed that his pupils had gone very wide. “People will come to me from all over the world, seeking information, but I will send them away, probably in the form of warty toads. Your secrets are safe with me. So are you. Iltar. Always.”

His voice was just a little bit unsteady, but perfectly sincere, and she could feel a few tears forming in her eyes, forcing her to blink them away. “I know,” she said, smiling through the tears. “Somehow…I think I’ve always known that.”

Not even Jaheira turning up a few seconds later with an inquiry about whether they’d both forgotten where they were supposed to be going was enough to spoil her mood.

The adventurers now headed towards the Docks again, since Zaerini was eager to sort out the matter of Montaron’s disappearance before she did anything else. “Let’s just go talk a little with the doorman,” she suggested to her friends as they neared the hideously ugly orange building that they had brought the poisoned Renfeld to and that Xzar had pointed out. “Try to see if we can learn anything.”

The man standing on guard outside was the same as before. He was fairly tall and thin, with blond hair and a bored look on his face. “Now, promise me you will behave,” Jaheira told the others as they approached. “Do not start a fight, do you hear me? You do not have to wreak havoc everywhere you go.”

“Why Jaheira!” Rini said in her most innocent voice, looking up at the druid through her tousled fringe. “I’m shocked. You know I’d never do a thing like that, never ever. I’m just going to ask him a few questions.”

“Good.”

“Unless he won’t answer them, of course. In that case I guess I’ll just have to do something to convince him.”

“Child…”

“Hey, I think I deserve a bit of fun, don’t you? I promise I’ll be nice about it.”

“Very well…”

“Mostly.”

“CHILD!”

Zaerini laughed. “Oh, Jaheira,” she said. “You’re far too easy sometimes, you know that?” The druid kept grumbling right up until they reached their destination.

“Er…hello!” said the doorman. “You’re the people who brought Renfeld back, aren’t you? What can I do for you?”

“Hi!” the half-elven bard brightly told him. “I was just really curious…what kind of place is this, anyway?”

The man stiffened. “I cannot tell you that,” he said, sounding rather self-important. “It is extremely secret, and I mustn’t tell a single living soul.”

“Oh, come on! You can tell me. I promise I won’t tell.”

“No, no, and NO! Now go away.”

“Hmmm…” Rini said, raking her fingers through her red hair. “How about if you sing it to me then? Here, I’ll sing you a song first, and you can chime in when you’re ready. You’ll like this one, I learnt it from a dwarven friend of mine. It’s called ‘Bags of Gold’. One hundred bags of gold in the hoard, one hundred bags of gold…”

“NOOOO!” the guard screamed, while a muscle twitched violently in his cheek. “Not that song! ANYTHING but that song! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, AND IT NEVER ENDS!” Feverishly, he tore something green and smelly out of his pockets then rammed it into his ears. “Ha! You can’t get to me now! I have cheese in my ears, and it protects me!”

There were a few seconds of deep silence. “You know, druid,” Edwin pleasantly said, “I always thought that Harpers were demented, but I hadn’t realized that they accepted the raving mad into their ranks. If you plan to stuff cheese into your ears, can you at least select a less whiffy sort? That one he’s using smells like a troll’s feet. (Hmmm…maybe sticking some up the priest’s nose as he’s sleeping would be amusing.)”

“Why is it,” Anomen asked of nobody in particular, “that cheese somehow always seems to drift into these insane conversations? We are supposed to be defending the innocent and slaying Evil, and cheese does not come into that!”

“Oh, I don’t know, Ano,” Jan said, giving the cleric a friendly grin. “There’s this one gnomish brand of cheese that can kill a dragon, does that sound better to you?”

“A dragon? How?”

“Well, you see, this special cheese which is called ‘Blue Bloater’ by the way, it is very tasty but tends to cause gas. If you don’t have a nice turnip directly afterwards your belly will bloat up, you’ll turn blue in the face, and then you’ll explode. Very messy, when my second cousin Fenrus Jansen accidentally forgot his turnip we had to bury him in a thimble.”

“But what does that have to do with dragons?” Edwin asked.

“Simple, Red! Dragons, poor creatures, have never learnt to fully appreciate turnips, so if you can just get them to eat a barrel of Blue Bloater they’ll explode, sparing you all that business of spells and Holy Avengers in order to get their treasure.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” the Red Wizard sighed, exchanging a suffering look with Anomen. “How I wish I could put him out of his misery. (Preferably somehow involving cheese.)”

“Minsc likes cheese,” Minsc added. “So does Boo, especially those little ones that come in special packages.”

Jan’s eyes suddenly glittered with excitement. “Really? He does? You know, Minscey, I have plenty of contacts in the cheese manufacturing business…I could take Boo to see them. I’ll let him have all the cheese he can eat, he can even be a professional taster. Of course, that means that I should take over legal custody over him, for tax reasons, you see.”

“No!” Minsc said. “Boo mustn’t eat too much cheese, or his poor little hamster tummy will hurt all night and keep him awake. And when his tummy gets upset Minsc has to give him a bath afterwards, and that always makes him cranky, not to mention that Minsc will lose sleep over watching Boo’s little hamster potty, and so may not be able to properly protect his Witch in the morning.”

“AAAAAAAAHHHHH!” the doorman screamed, tearing the cheese out of his ears since it had failed to keep the voices of the party from reaching him. “I can’t take it anymore! Yes, this is the Secret Harper Stronghold in Athkatla, and I don’t care if the whole world finds out! I QUIT! They don’t pay me enough to deal with this kind of insanity anyway. You can go inside! All of you! JUST SHUT UP!” With that, he stormed off down the street, a muscle in his cheek still twitching violently.

“Nervous fellow,” Zaerini said after a few seconds, raising an eyebrow. “Well, at least he let us in.” She grinned mischievously at Jaheira, who was still staring after the fleeing man. “See? All we had to do was to ask nicely.”

“You could have simply let me introduce myself,” the druid said between clenched teeth.

“Maybe…but come on! What would be the fun in that?”