Cards Reshuffled

It’s amazing how things can sometimes mean something entirely different than you think they do. You can listen to an entire conversation, believing it’s about one thing, when it’s really about something completely different. And the written word honestly isn’t much better. But at least that makes things more interesting.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“That's one fine mess that I done cleaned up. They did the killin', but I ends up with the gold, the book, and the satisfaction o' kickin' their tails. A good day.”

Korgan’s pleased voice drew Zaerini back from her wildly spinning thoughts. She still had no idea what had just happened, if she had only imagined that she’d heard Sarevok speaking to her or if it had been something else, something more. Whatever the case, the feeling had passed, while the dwarf in front of her was another matter entirely. “I guess so,” she said. “So, what about our deal?”

“Aye,” Korgan nodded, stroking his beard. “Fair enough. Ye can go ahead an' search Shagbag's corpse...the blasted fool. Th' bleedin' book might still be worth something if it's intact. Ye can have either that or the gold these donkey-humpin’ ninnies already got from Pimlico. Which will ye take?”

“The book,” the bard said without hesitation. Eddie would never forgive me if I didn’t give him the chance to check it out. Gingerly sorting through the corpses she eventually found what she was looking for.

The book of Kaza was fairly big, and bound in red leather. Despite the obvious age of the tome, its pages still felt crisp and fresh at her touch.

“What does it say?” Edwin asked. The wizard was eagerly leaning over her shoulder, close enough that his beard actually tickled her cheek. “What does it say? Go on, open it! Are there any spells in there? Terrible secrets from ancient Netheril? Maybe some demon summoning spells? Come on, open it, I want to see!” He was practically hopping from one foot to the other with excitement, and his dark eyes were glittering fervently. His hand was clutching her shoulder, and she thought she could feel it tremble a little bit. Come to think of it, she felt pretty shaky herself. Being in this close physical proximity to the Red Wizard made strange things happen to her, and she was having great problems concentrating on anything but his touch and the fact that she could feel his breath, hot against her skin. Even the atrocious nose-ring wasn’t enough to detract from the pleasurable whole.

He is so…so… For once words failed her utterly as she unconsciously moved a tiny bit, enough for his body to come into closer contact with her back, as well as with her posterior. It felt very nice, and she was pleased to notice the sudden sharp intake of breath that followed. She could feel her eyes narrowing with pleasure. So…perfect. I want him to…I want him to…I want…him…

That’s right, kitten! Softpaws sounded extremely satisfied. Go on, I’ll help talk you through it, step by step!

Eh? Talk me through… The redheaded half-elf was suddenly startled as she remembered where she was. On the roof of the Copper Coronet. In broad daylight. With several corpses bathing in their own blood at her feet. Suddenly blushing furiously she reluctantly moved aside a little from Edwin, though she still was happy to feel his touch on her shoulder. She noticed that Jaheira was watching her like a hawk, Minsc was looking puzzled, Jan grinning with vast amusement, Korgan winking at her and…

“My lady!” Anomen was hovering by her other shoulder by now, close enough that she felt as if she were about to be squashed flat between him and Edwin. All right, I’d be dead. But what a way to go… The cleric’s cheeks were pink with emotion, and his dark blue eyes shone. “Allow me to first scour that unholy thing of all dark magic, that its foul touch may not contaminate your purity.” He then shot Edwin a dark look. “It would be my honor and my pleasure to also cleanse the area of all other corruptive influences.” Raising his hand, he reached for the book of Kaza, his hand brushing lightly against hers.

“Stand aside, priest!” Edwin hissed, raw anger present in his voice. “I warn you, do not lay so much as a finger on what is not yours to touch, unless you want me to magically remove your arm, charbroil it with salt and red pepper, and then insert it far enough past your final sphincter that you will be able to tickle your own uvula from behind. That is the dangly thing visible every time you let your mouth hang open with your typical bovine stupidity, if you need it further explained.”

A dark flush spread across Anomen’s throat, and when he retorted his voice was more clipped than usual, almost shrill with fury. By now his eyes didn’t look blue anymore, but black, and his beard was practically bristling. “Methinks the wizard doth presume too much. You have no more official claim here than do I, and the lady Zaerini is wise enough not to entrust her treasures to a wriggling serpent like yourself. You have no right to speak for her.”

“I’ll show you serpent, you posturing second-rate paladin imitation! (I will have his ‘treasures’ if he touches her again, and I’ll force-feed them to him until they make him choke. And if I have a serpent, he has to make do with a tiny earthworm.) Get away from h…from the book!”

Smirking, Anomen stuck his arm firmly under Zaerini’s with a look on his face that suggested he was about to stick his tongue out at the wizard. “Make me, foul fiend.”

Snarling, Edwin grasped her other arm hard enough that it almost hurt, while he simultaneously was trying to get his spell components out using only one hand. “Oh I will!”

“That’s enough!” Rini shouted, twisting out of the grasp of both men. “What in the world is wrong with you two? For the gods’ sakes, it’s only a stupid book!” For some reason this made Korgan guffaw loudly, Jan chuckle and even Jaheira’s mouth twitched a little. Minsc looked utterly confused though. She had no idea what they were about, but it made her even more annoyed than before. “I mean, really! You’re both acting as if you’re about six years old. What’s next? ‘My Daddy can beat up your Daddy?’ Now shake hands and tell each other you’re sorry.”

The two men gave her strangely similar pleading looks that crossed the border from ‘pathetic’ to ‘lost puppy’.

“But my lady…”

“Hellkitten, I…”

Steeling her heart against those pleading eyes she crossed her arms beneath her breasts and gave the two antagonists a firm look as she tossed her hair away from her face and across her shoulder. “I said now. Do it. Both of you.”

Both of them looking extremely reluctant, the two men grasped each other’s hands. It looked as if Anomen was doing his very best to crush Edwin’s hand to pieces, and he only stopped after the wizard somehow managed to twist the cleric’s thumb into what looked to be a very painful position. “Go on. Say you’re sorry,” Zaerini insisted.

“Sorry,” Anomen muttered in a murderous voice.

“Sorry,” Edwin echoed, sounding equally eager for blood.

Rini gave them a few seconds. “You’re both crossing your fingers behind your backs,” she told them in a dangerously calm voice. “Don’t think I can’t see you. Now do it over again.”

Once Edwin and Anomen had reluctantly muttered their not very heartfelt excuses to each other again, the bard nodded. “That’s better. Now, let’s get back to that book.” Opening the ancient tome she stared at what at first appeared to be completely blank pages. Then, however, something changed. There were letters appearing, ancient runes that she couldn’t quite comprehend, and then there were…pictures. And not just any pictures, either. They were pictures of men and women together in positions that mostly seemed anatomically impossible, but that made her feel very curious to find out if they actually were. The pictures were in color, and looked quite lifelike, and it certainly seemed as if the people in the pictures were having a great time. She stared, transfixed, as the pictures started to move, illustrating the things they were supposed to teach even more vividly than before. She was feeling very hot all of a sudden, and as she flipped back to the title page she noticed that she could read that at least. “Kaza’s Book Of Erotic Secrets,” she said. “Oh my.” Both Edwin and Anomen looked very wide-eyed as they peered over her shoulders, and both of them started guiltily as she slammed the book shut.

“Thar be a fine an’ poetic irony fer ye,” Korgan laughed. “Riskin’ our necks oe’r a bit o’ Netherese flesh-lore, when this here dwarf already be a demon ‘twixt the sheets! Har!”

“I want it!” Edwin suddenly blurted out. “Can I have it? Can I? (Not that I need it as such, my Erotic Onslaught is already quite impeccable, but it never hurts to seek out new inspiration…)”

“Um…sure, I guess,” Rini said, handing the wizard the book. “But we’ll sell it once you’re done reading it.”

Anomen looked severely disappointed. “But…I wanted that! To…to be better able to combat the sins of the flesh…”

“Sorry, Ano. Eddie asked first. I suppose you can have it once he’s done with it.”

Edwin grinned triumphantly at Anomen, clutching the Book of Kaza tightly and possessively to his red-robed chest, stroking the spine tenderly. “Forget it, Helmite. It is mine, and I never give up what is mine. You had better remember that.”

“Minsc is curious,” Minsc said, giving Zaerini an innocently cheerful look. “Why is the book so important? Are there many nice stories in it? Anything about hamsters? Minsc would very much like his Witch to read some of them to him if that is so. Boo helps with the reading so Minsc doesn’t get one of his headaches, but if it’s a big book poor Boo has to run so far that his little feet hurt.”

Explaining an instruction manual on erotica, written by a Lich Necromancer, to Minsc…Rini thought. For all I know there could be hamsters in there, but probably not in a context I’d like to think about. “Um…I don’t think you’d like that book much, Minsc,” she said. “I’ll see if I can find you another one, how’s that?”

“Minsc will be happy with that!” the ranger stated, causing her to draw a silent sigh of relief. “Maybe something with great Heroes in it?”

“Sure, Minsc. I’ll see what we can find. As long as it isn’t about Drizzt.”

Once details of payment had all been sorted out, Korgan took his leave of the rest of the adventurers, stating that he would probably be about the Copper Coronet now and then, in case they ever wished to find him. Rini was rather sorry to see him go, there was something about the obnoxious dwarf that really managed to cheer her up. Still, there was a little bit of relief as well. Rage…that was the Card, and I know it all too well. He can handle it, but I can’t, not to that extent at least, and if I stick around him too long I may become too tempted by the way he enjoys it. It would be so easy to simply let go. And that…that is what Sarevok did. Had it really been her dead brother she had heard? And if so, how? He was dead and gone forever. Wasn’t he?

Hmpf, Softpaws said, sounding sulky. You should stop worrying about the dead and concentrate on the living, that’s what I think.

Now what?

Oh nothing, the cat said. You just wasted a perfect opportunity for mating just now, that’s all! You were both primed and ready to go, don’t think I couldn’t tell!

Softy, it’s broad daylight and we’re on a rooftop, surrounded by corpses. It’s also not the right time yet. And even if it was, I’d rather not ‘mate’ with Minsc, Jaheira, Korgan, Jan and Anomen watching. Somehow I think that would break the mood.

Picky, picky. The male wouldn’t have minded that.

Yes he would have! Er…wouldn’t he? Thinking about Edwin’s tendencies towards grandiosity she suddenly wasn’t entirely sure. No. He probably wouldn’t, at that.