Cards Reshuffled

I should have known better. I really should have known better. I really should have asked myself why that lich was insane in the first place. Not that I think I could have prevented what happened anyway. Some people just can’t help fiddling with every strange and dangerous magical artifact they come across.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“So,” Zaerini whispered. “Do you know anything about this Nevaziah fellow?” She, Edwin and Jan were clustered together in an alcove out of the lich’s range of hearing, and she had just shifted back to her regular shape in order to be better able to communicate. “Apart from him being raving mad, I mean?”

“Well,” Edwin said, thoughtfully stroking his beard as he kept shooting longing glances in the direction of the lich. “Not all that much is actually known about him, since he went underground a very long time ago. But it is said that even while still a human wizard he wasn’t entirely sane. Prone to confusion and very forgetful. He couldn’t even remember who his own apprentices were, and so he’d suddenly start attacking them because he’d think they were intruders come to harm him. Not very many wanted to study under him, and those who did tended to be just as crackbrained as he was. Worse, eventually he grew insane enough that he mistook his wife for a small oyster.”

“An…oyster?”

“Yes. And when he tried to crack her open to eat her she threw him out. That’s when he decided to become a lich in order to eliminate all mortal concerns.”

“Not bad, Red!” Jan approvingly said. “The story lacks that certain something, that I-don’t-know-what…”

“That certain turnip element?” Edwin asked with a small smirk.

“Exactly! But apart from that, not bad. We’ll make a fine gnome of you yet, you’ll see.”

“I do not want to be a gnome! Why would I? I am already the perfect human. (Not to mention that a nose that big seems very awkward when you get a cold.)”

“I think we’ll just keep him human, Jan,” Rini said. “I prefer him that way. And now, let’s try to make up a plan about Nevaziah…”

A few minutes later the three spellcasters stepped inside Nevaziah’s chamber, quite openly and unashamedly. The lich was still sitting in his bathtub, playing with his toy duck. He was also still singing in that dry and dusty voice. Happy duck, happy duck, play with bubbles, quack, quack, QUACK! It sounded just as awful as before, and the hand movements didn’t improve matters. As he noticed the strangers entering he shouted ‘Ack!’, tore down a towel off the wall and covered…well, Rini didn’t really want to know exactly what it was he was covering, so she didn’t look too closely. “You!” the lich shouted. “Who are you? What are you doing here? My wife didn’t send you, did she? I told her I’d let her have the house…”

“No, master!” Zaerini said, bowing deeply. “Your wife didn’t send us. We’re your apprentices, don’t you remember?”

“That is correct,” Edwin added, his eyes roaming greedily about the chamber, searching for magical treasures. “The most skilled and intelligent apprentices available, you handpicked us yourself. I am of course top of the class. (Though I doubt his lessons would be as interesting as I am used to.)”

“You know,” Jan said, “my own instructor in the magical arts was actually my own great-great-grandson, Torkil Jansen.”

Rini blinked. “How did that work out?” she asked.

“Well, it appears my descendant is going to be really skilled as a mage, and fond of experimenting with Time Stop spells. He adapted one and it accidentally sent him back to yours truly. Very polite he was too, said he knew all my stories by heart!”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” Edwin muttered. “I hear insanity can be hereditary.”

“Oh, now you’re just being jealous because you haven’t got any great-great-grandkids yet. Still, if you stop being shy and get to work properly you may have time to swindle some poor girl into falling for you.”

“I’m not shy!”

“’Course not, Red. ‘Course not. Anyway, young Torkil made all these tantalizing hints about the future. Of course, he wasn’t really young, he was an ancient gnome with a long white beard, but you know what I mean. Still, he never told me the thing I most wanted to know, sadly enough.”

“What?” Edwin asked. “When you would die? (In about five seconds if he won’t shut up soon, sooner if he calls me ‘shy’ again.)”

“No, no! What kind of inventions to aim for, of course! Said he didn’t want to pollute my genius with knowledge from the future. A shame. But I’m sure I’ll manage anyhow, I’m thinking of this steam driven wagon and…”

There was the dry sound of somebody embarrassedly clearing their throat. “Er…” Nevaziah asked. “Apprentices? I don’t remember any…”

“’Course not, master!” Rini said. “We know you have such a lot of important matters to think of, like…like taking your bath.”

The lich looked at his toy duck, then coughed and tossed it aside. “Ah…yes. Yes, my young apprentice, quite correct. I was conducting some very important experiments on…on waterfowl and their floating capacity, I really don’t have the time to spare right now. What do you want?”

“The Nether Scroll!” Edwin exclaimed. “Give it to me at once, or I shall…” Then he yelped slightly as Zaerini stepped on his foot.

“That’s right,” the half-elf said, smiling brightly at the lich. “You asked us to keep guard over it for you, master, surely you remember?”

The lich looked a little uncertain. “Ah…I…did I?”

“Master! You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“No, no!” Nevaziah desperately said. “Not at all. But the Nether Scroll…are you sure I said that? It is very dangerous. Far too dangerous for apprentices, really.”

“Oh, we know that. We’ll be very careful, just as you told us.”

The slightly dazed look spread across the lich’s wrinkled face. “Oh…all right then. If I said that myself…here you go then.” He took off his extremely ugly hat, and took out a neatly rolled up scroll, holding it out. Edwin eagerly snatched it, clutching it tightly to his chest. “Yes!” he exclaimed. “This is it! This has to be it! The just and unlike alike shall fear the power of Edwin Odesseiron and his Nether Scroll!”

“Hold on!” Nevaziah shouted. “You aren’t my apprentices! Thieves! Thieves! Give it back!”

Cursing under her breath, Zaerini grabbed Edwin by the arm and pulled the wizard after her as she sprinted out the door, Jan right in front of her. Way to go, Eddie, she thought. The three adventurers just barely had the time to turn around so that Jan and Edwin could fire a few spells at the doorway just as the lich came lurching through it. It was still wearing only the hideous hat and a towel wrapped around its waist. The spells didn’t seem to have much effect on the lich, but him tripping on the poor rejected toy duck did. Nevaziah slipped and fell, slamming his head violently against his bathtub. Nobody felt particularly keen on sticking around until he woke up.

“I have it!” Edwin crowed, waving the Nether Scroll about proudly. “I have it! Unlimited power, within the reach of my fingertips! (Soon, yes, soon I will show her the full extent of my prowess.)”

“So, can I see it?” Rini asked, leaning against the wall in order to get her breath back. She pushed a few strands of tangled red hair out of her eyes, smiling at the sight of the dangerous Red Wizard acting like a small child with a new and exciting toy.

Edwin hesitated for a moment, but then he unrolled the scroll. “Yes, I suppose so,” he said. “Just don’t smudge it!”

The scroll was ancient, yellow parchment cracked with age. Strange letters filled it, seemingly crawling about on the parchment like bugs. Just looking at them for more than a few seconds made your eyes hurt. However, there was also a small note attached to the scroll, and this was written in Common, although the letters were extremely tiny and almost illegible. Rini took a closer look at it, and this is what she read:

‘Agreement of Purchase

This isn't your Nether Scroll. Don't think it is simply because you just paid over all the money you owned for it, mortgaged your house and sold all your relatives (living and deceased) into slavery to finance the first monthly payment. You have only bought the right to use it, incompetent as you are. You aren't allowed to copy it, even in the safety of your own library. If you do, expect a visit from our Baatorian Legal Department, complete with whips and burning coals. You aren't allowed to modify it either, or sell it, or rent it out, or even to think about such actions. The Legal Department sure enjoys their work.

Furthermore, you have absolutely no right to complain if this Nether Scroll should in any way malfunction, causing irrevocable damage to you, your family, your dog or the entire surrounding continent. Hey, you bought it! Is it our fault if you're gullible enough to trust us to release a totally functional version when we can make obscene heaps of money by selling updates later on? Of course it isn't, as the Legal Department will be only too happy to point out to you. In fact, you ought to pay us for daring to insinuate such a thing.

Finally, once you get your first cryptic Error Message (and you will, trust us) don't expect it to make any sort of sense. We made them as unintelligible as possible on purpose, simply because we love the thought of you making your tiny brain overheat as you try to make some sense of them. (Mostly they're just randomly scrambled words.) MUAHAHAHAHA!’

Zaerini stared at this ominous message as she read it over again, this time out loud. “Eddie?” she asked. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing here? This doesn’t really sound very safe.”

Edwin made a dismissive gesture. “Nonsense!” he said. “That is simply a standard agreement of warranty, or non-warranty. Just something the big purveyors of magical items like to stick on their items for sale. It doesn’t really mean anything, nobody expects you to actually read it!”

“That’s exactly what worries me!”

The wizard simply smiled back at her, looking entirely confident. “Everything will be well, I assure you. Just let me study it properly and you will soon find yourself amazed by the powers invested in me! (Not to mention the eternal youth, but that should come as a nice surprise.)”

Rini sighed a little. “I suppose there’s no stopping you. But just promise me that you won’t experiment with it until I can at least be present to help you out in case…in case something should go wrong.” Then she felt herself growing suddenly hot as he took her hands into his own, giving them a reassuring squeeze.

“Nothing will go wrong,” Edwin said. “Of course I am infallible under any circumstances, but with you present I will be even more so. You…inspire me towards ever greater heights of flawless superiority.”

“Awwww!” Jan said with a small leer, startling the bard and the wizard and making them jump guiltily. “Keep on with it Red, those great-great-grandkids may not be as far off as you think…”