Cards Reshuffled

I guess by now I should have grown out of believing in plain coincidence. Too many strange things have happened to me that I’m starting to see supernatural entities behind every bush. Of course, that sort of thinking is likely to drive a person insane enough to actually start seeing supernatural entities behind every bush, as well as believing that wearing a pair of underpants made out of a piece of string can ever be comfortable.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Child,” Jaheira said, “are you quite certain you are ready to continue? You were very seriously wounded, and you have only barely recovered from the healing.”

Zaerini nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I’m still tired, and what’s worse is that something in the vampire’s bite made me forgot all the spells I memorized last night. I won’t be able to cast again until I’ve had a chance to rest, and I know Anomen’s exhausted too, but this isn’t a good spot. I think we should go on, at least for a little while. I’ll just have to manage somehow.” Her voice sounded more than a little strained though, and the druid wasn’t late to pick up on this.

“That is not all though, is it?” Jaheira said, lowering her voice a little.

The bard’s shoulders sagged a little. “No,” she admitted. “It’s just that…I felt so helpless. I couldn’t even defend myself. It…I guess it reminded me of Irenicus.” A shadow crossed her face. “And of Reiltar.”

Jaheira’s scowl turned even more stony than usual, but Rini knew that it wasn’t meant for her. “That…that obscene blight against nature!” she spat. “If he was not dead already, I would have gladly torn him apart with my bare hands, then burnt the foul carcass to keep the worms from getting poisoned feasting on his black heart.”

“Excuse me,” Jan curiously said. “But did I hear you mention a gentleman by the name of ‘Reiltar’ by any chance?” Zaerini startled a little. She hadn’t heard the gnome coming up behind her, but now he was standing right behind her.

“Yes,” she said, trying not to let the memories resurface. “Reiltar Anchev. He was the adoptive father of Sarevok, my brother, of whom I told you before.” For a moment she considered saying nothing more. Then she impulsively decided against it. What happened was not my fault. It is not my shame to bear. No matter that it still makes me feel dirty. “He…managed to poison me,” she said, trying to keep her voice neutral. “Then he abducted me. And then he…meant to…to…” The words wouldn’t come out. They kept sticking in her throat, choking her. “He meant to…to…”

“To rape you,” Edwin said, coming over to stand close by her. The wizard’s voice was very quiet, but filled with deadly rage and hatred. “Do not ever be ashamed of saying it. That ort kamal-en antu-es fully deserved to die a hundred deaths and more for what he did, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Hearing him echo her own thoughts helped a great deal, and when he reached out to give her hand a comforting squeeze, seemingly without even thinking about it, she felt even better. “He did not quite get what he wanted,” Edwin went on, now speaking to the rest of the group, still sounding very murderous. “Though what he did was bad enough.”

Rini saw Anomen choke back what she suspected was a nasty curse, his hand tightening around his mace handle, a small muscle twitching in his cheek. Minsc looked about ready to go berserk, and she thought that only the calming presence of Boo sitting on his shoulder, nudging his ear, kept him from doing so. Jan looked utterly shocked, his normal easygoing manner shaken.

“Yet ye live,” Korgan said, sounding intrigued, “and not he? Did ye get proper revenge then?”

The bard could feel her blood slowly heating up, the murderous taint of Bhaal strengthening as it always did whenever she thought of Reiltar, and by the way Korgan’s eyes widened a little she suspected that her own eyes had started to glow again, making them resemble the fiery glare of Sarevok. “I did,” she said, and now her voice was a silky hiss. “I got some respite…thanks to Reiltar being conned by some business contact of his, a certain Count Turnipsome…and Edwin helped me escape. And then, sometime later, I killed Reiltar Anchev. There was just a little more left of him than could fit inside a normal bottle. Now, does that answer your question?”

“Aye!” The dwarf gave her an appreciative look, chuckling a little to himself. “That be the proper fire and spirit lassie, that it be. Bloody vengeance and having yer foe shriek as ye chop him into mush, there be nothing finer in the world. Good thing ye’re not one o’ those fancy weakling females who faint at the sight o’ blood, but a true hellion t’revel in it instead.”

Did Korgan just give me a compliment? Wow. “Er…thanks, I guess,” Rini said. Then she noticed that Jan was still staring at her, his mouth hanging open. “What is it, Jan?” she asked.

“Er…” Jan said, his words forming unusually slowly for him. “It’s just that your story reminded me of when I used to travel the Sword Coast a while back, seeking business opportunities. I particularly recall leaving Baldur’s Gate pretty quickly, after I’d sold some swamp land to one Reiltar Anchev. I didn’t want him to try to get a refund, you see. Even though he knew me under the name of Count Turnipsome.”

Now it was the half-elf’s turn to gape, as the meaning of these words slowly sank home. Jan? Jan was Count Turnipsome? But that means… “You saved me,” she said, her voice little more than a whisper. “If not for you, he would have finished what he started. And then he likely would have killed me, before there was time to rescue me. Jan, I owe you my life, and more. I can never thank you enough.” Bending down, she grasped the stunned gnome’s shoulders and then gave him a kiss right on his balding forehead.

“Was a pleasure…” Jan managed to get out before Edwin spoke.

“It seems I must revaluate my opinion of you, gnome,” the Red Wizard said. “You are clearly not entirely a waste of precious oxygen, and I owe you a debt. So, I have decided to put off eliminating you for now. (I will not kiss him though. I have to draw the line somewhere.)”

“Gee, thanks a lot, Red!” Jan said. “Your generosity overwhelms me, it makes my heart go all fluttery. Which is a condition my poor cousin Egbert Jansen suffered from, actually. His heart would stop now and then, when the turnip market was bad, or when he saw a particularly attractive female gnome. He did manage to get around it though, by taming a lightning Mephit that would shock him back to life whenever he needed it. ‘I’m ALIVE!’ he’d scream, his hair sticking out in all directions. Of course, it was a very bad mistake to refuse the Mephit a payrise. The next time cousin Egbert’s heart stopped the Mephit went on strike, demanding ten gold more per year, a full pension and a dental plan, as well as a paid vacation to the Abyss each year. Of course, by that time cousin Egbert wasn’t exactly in a position to negotiate anymore…”

“That,” Edwin scoffed, “has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Ah, that’s exactly what cousin Egbert said when the Mephit demanded one hour’s massage per week as part of its payment, and look what happened to him! But I’m more generous, if your heart stops due to staring at some certain girl, I’ll make sure to apply this Lightning Wand I have handy…”

Rini wasn’t entirely certain exactly what it was that Edwin muttered at that point, for it was in his native Thayvian, but as they walked on she caught him giving her a sidelong glance that made her heart make an odd little lurch. Some certain girl…

Some time later they came to a place where the corridor widened, and there was more light, coming from magical torches placed in sconces on the walls. Speaking of the walls, they were covered with strange writings, in a language Zaerini couldn’t identify, and there were pictures as well, hundreds of them all jumbled together. People, animals, monsters, and weird symbols of all sorts. If she was puzzled though, Edwin was ecstatic.

“Yes!” the wizard exclaimed. “We are on the right track!” He eagerly grasped her arm, pulling her towards the wall where he pointed at one particularly ugly picture portraying what seemed to be a rotting corpse. “See?” he said, his eyes shining with all the excitement of a small child on Solstice Eve, practically jumping up and down. “See? It’s him! (Unlimited power and life everlasting, within my grasp at last!) It’s really him!”

Awww…that’s really cute when he gets all excited like that! “Him who?” she asked.

“Him! Nevaziah the Lich!” Edwin lowered his voice and made it take on a highly melodramatic timbre. “The last known possessor of….the Nether Scroll! And he’s said to be buried close by! Now all we have to do is to go and kill him and fetch what’s rightfully mine.”

“Are you quite mad?” Jaheira demanded. “A lich? You never mentioned any lich before! Why did you not mention the lich before? How could you possibly forget to mention the lich before? It is not as if it is some…some goblin that can be easily slain with one hand!”

“Actually,” Anomen mused, “the priests possessing the highest of Lord Helm’s favor are said to be able to make liches and other powerful unholy creatures explode simply by looking at them, and seeing that I have ever strived to be a devoted servant I ought to be able to…”

The furious druid rounded on him, stabbing her forefinger against his armor-plated chest. “And you are just as bad! Overgrown little boys with egos the size of Toril, wanting to fight monsters that would chew them up and spit them out in a heartbeat…pheh!”

“Minsc wants to fight too!” the ranger said with a big smile. “Liches are very big Evil, and the bigger they are, the harder I hit!”

Korgan shrugged. “Yon scroll would be able to provide plenty o’ coin and magical treasures, aye? I’ve killed fer less…and me axe is itchin’ fer a swing or two…”

Zaerini suddenly found herself faced with a highly irate druidess, a pair of angry green eyes blazing at her, and the tiny braids on Jaheira’s head bristling like the tails of angry cats. “Child!” Jaheira said, making the word somehow sound like an order. “Surely you will not condone this folly? Imoen needs us alive!”

“But the scroll!” Edwin pleaded. “I have to have…I mean, it would provide us with incalculable benefits!”

Rini looked from one to the other, hesitating. I hope I’m not making a bad mistake now. “We don’t even know that there still is a lich here,” she eventually said. “Let’s just go take a look, very carefully, and then we’ll see what we can do about it, if anything.”

A while later, the party spotted a doorway from which faint light was spilling. From behind it, they could hear somebody singing, in a dry voice that sounded as if the singer had just inhaled a barrel of dust. Oh noooobody knoooows…how the looooneliness groooowsss…noooobody knoooowwws…my soooorrrroooow! Oh nooooobody knoooows…the paaaaiiin in my toooooessss…aching like there’s nooooo toooomorrrow!

The adventurers gave each other identical looks of bafflement. Well, whatever else he is, he sure is one lousy singer, Rini thought. “I’ll take a look,” she whispered. “Eddie, Jan, you too.” As the two wizards turned themselves invisible, she used her own shapechanging ability to melt into the form of a small red cat, one that she was reasonably certain wouldn’t be noticed by the lich. Carefully, carefully she moved forward. Then she stopped in her tracks, staring at a sight unlike anything she had ever seen before.

There was a small room ahead that looked more or less like a burial chamber, with more of those little pictures painted all over the wall. However, apart from the large stone sarcophagus, there was also an enormous bathtub in the middle of the room. There was no water in the tub, only sand, but that didn’t seem to dismay the creature sitting in it, singing at the top of his voice and waving a yellow toy duck about. Nevaziah the Lich looked as if he had once been human. Now he was dry and dusty, rather resembling a mummy, with a withered horror of a face like a very old prune. His eyes were black and empty sockets, with faint pinpricks of red light burning deep within. On top of his head he wore the single most ugly hat that Rini had ever seen, apart from Elminster’s pointy monstrosity. It more or less resembled a highly ornate bucket. I wonder how long ago that thing was fashionable? Or maybe it’s a bathing cap? Apart from that, the lich was quite nude, and the bard found herself very grateful that she couldn’t see all of him. There were certain things she’d rather not know about, and the exact anatomy of a naked lich was definitely one of them. Though actually, ‘The Naked Lich’ sounds like a good title for a play… Well, I guess we found the lich. Now to figure out whether the fact that he’s insane is an advantage or not…