Cards Reshuffled

A little corruption never hurt anybody, you know. In some circles it simply means ‘acquiring a sense of humor’ or ‘having a mind broader than a pinhead’. The trick is finding out the exact right amount of corruption to make you happy and not miserable. And of course the finding out is fun in itself.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“What is taking her so long?” Anomen asked himself for the thirteenth time, unaware of the fact that he was thinking out loud. His eyes were irresistibly drawn to the staircase leading upstairs, hoping to see a certain redhead descend from on high like…like the lovely princess out of some old story, radiating magic and mystery.

“Oh, I don’t know…” Jan said, grinning at the priest. “Maybe she and Red are making mad, passionate love right about now. There are lots of interesting stories about the Thayvians, almost as many as about the Drow, would you like to hear some?”

“Take that back, gnome, or I will give you a chastising you shall never forget for insulting the name of a virtuous lady!”

“Ooooh, chastising!” Jan said, clasping his hands together. The gnome’s large nose barely reached over the tabletop in the Copper Coronet’s common room, despite him sitting on a few pillows, but Anomen could just make out the amused look on his face. “How very kinky, Ano! You know, there are stories about paladinic chastising too, but I think in your present state ‘The Passionate Perversions of Percy the Perfect Paladin’ might be a little too much for you. That’s a very disturbing purple color your face has turned, you know. Maybe adventuring isn’t good for your health?”

“Sir Percy the Virtuous is a highly respected paladin, one of the most upstanding members of the Order!”

“Whatever you say Ano, and I’m sure he does a lot of standing up too. Speaking of which, I promised you a story about Thay, didn’t I?”

“I will let you prattle on if you wish, your words cannot touch me,” Anomen growled, trying to keep his face under control. His hand clasped his mug of carrot juice so tightly it hurt though. She wouldn’t! She would never harbor feelings for that disgustingly rude wizard with his overblown ego! Would she?

“Good man! A rigid unwillingness to live in the real world will get you far in the Order, I’m sure! One of their most valued traits, that is, almost as highly valued as the thing with the armor polish. Practice the smiting some more, and you’ll soon become the Chief Prude.”

“It’s called ‘The PRELATE!’”

“Sure it is, Ano. Anyway, about Thay. One of my aunts, Auntie Possum Jansen, she traveled a lot all over the place. Very wild she was, auntie Possum. Liked nothing better than a little session between herself, three young wizards and an insane donkey. If you want to try I can give you her notes, though you’d need two more wizards.”

“I am not listening to a word you are saying.”

“So, then Auntie Possum went searching for even wilder thrills, and she thought that the oldest Red Wizard she could find would probably be the one most knowledgeable about the sort of things she was interested in. She was especially curious about the secret of the Twelve Wild Monkeys.”

“Monkeys…No! I am not listening to this! La la la! I am not listening!”

“Why Ano,” Jan said with a smirk, “if you’re going to keep your hands over your ears like that, how will you ever hear the end of the story? Auntie Possum eventually ran into this ancient wizard, and after she bribed him with her best turnip steak, he eventually gave in to her charms. Taught her everything he knew, and now she makes a fortune traveling about giving public lessons.”

“Public…public lessons?”

“Sure! Thayvian cuisine is getting more and more popular every day you know, what with all those little restaurants cropping up everywhere, lots of people want to learn about how to properly make Thay food, and are prepared to pay for it. You should ask Red to tell you about Twelve Wild Monkeys sometime, it’s a really nice dessert actually, lots of chocolate.”

“Dessert? But…but I…”

“Yes, Ano?” Jan asked, his blue eyes dangerously innocent. “What did you think I was talking about? Not something naughty I hope, I’m sure knights aren’t supposed to think naughty thoughts. Maybe you should go do some chastising…”

Helm forgive me, Anomen thought, burying his face in his hands to keep his blush from showing. That gnome may actually drive me to murder one of these days. Think calming, relaxing thoughts, like Sir Keldorn teaches in Virtue Class. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Don’t lose your temper and bash his head in. Calm blue ocean. Sun on the daisies. Twelve Wild Monk…No! Calm blue ocean…

“Hi, boys!” a clear female voice said, causing Anomen’s head to snap up so abruptly that his jaw was practically driven into his brain. “Everything all right?” Zaerini sat down next to him, looking particularly energized and pleased about something. Her wild red hair danced about her face as she looked from the cleric to the gnome, she had a wide smile on her face, and her eyes were glittering. Anomen immediately became unaware of everything else, including the drunken laughter from the adjoining tables, the swaying hips of the passing waitresses and the sharp smells of ale, blood and unwashed bodies.

“Sure, your Worship!” Jan said, passing the half-elf the bottle of wine standing in front of him, and then conjuring up a spare glass. “Here, have a clean one.”

“Everything…everything is well, my lady,” Anomen said. “How could it not be, once we have been graced with the pleasure of your company?”

The bard’s eyes widened a little with sudden surprise, but then she gave him a warm smile that made him feel very big, very clumsy and very hot. Courtly. Dignified. Chivalrous. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean…

“That’s a very nice thing to say!” Zaerini said. “Thanks!”

Anomen considered saying something about how she was probably unused to polite people, but thought better of it. He really didn’t want to drag Edwin into the conversation. It would only spoil the mood. “Ah…you seem very happy tonight my lady.” Please don’t let it be the wizard…

“Sure! Jaheira is free of her curse, and tomorrow she should be back to normal.” The bard sipped contentedly from the glass of wine, then leaned back in her chair with a satisfied smile. “Edwin and I just…”

I’ll kill him if he’s touched her!

“…shared some nice spell scrolls…”

Oh. Very well, the villain may live. For now.

“…and I’ve just made up a new song!”

Now, this was a much better topic than the Red Wizard. “A song, my lady?” Anomen asked, leaning forward with interest. Would that I could take her hand, just for a little bit, but I dare not presume too much. “Might we be granted the pleasure of hearing it?”

“Sure, if you want. It’s a little rough yet, but if you don’t mind that…”

“My lady, I am used to battle songs.”

“Oh. I suppose that’s true. All right then. See, I just happened to think about how odd it is that there seem to be so many stupid people about in the world, doing these preposterous things, as if they’re just begging to get killed, you know? So I made up a song about some of the things I’ve seen and heard about. It’s called ‘Moronic’.”

“Your gentle voice will…’Moronic’?”

“Yep. Now don’t interrupt me, all right?” Zaerini put her glass down after one final sip, cleared her throat and started singing.

A paladin tried to make me conform
He raised up his sword – in a thunder storm
It’s a Cyricist who thinks he’ll Ascend
It’s the Iron Throne thugs, who thought I would bend
Isn’t it moronic…don’t you think?

It’s assassins walking straight up to me
Shouting out ‘I am Death come for thee’
It’s Old Pointy Hat’s meddling – completely for free
Who would have thought…it figures

Mr Big Flaming Fist thought he was very tough
He pulled on his armor and tried to play rough
Meant to murder a Drow, charged without asking ‘how?’
Never paused to think when our party he saw
And as he died he said ‘But..I am the LAW!’
And isn’t it moronic…don’t you think?

It’s assassins walking straight up to me
Shouting out ‘I am Death come for thee’
It’s Old Pointy Hat’s meddling – completely for free
Who would have thought…it figures

Well, life has a funny way of tossing pies in your face
Regardless of age or profession or race
And life has a funny way of handing you a pie of your own
When the fool before you is the bigger fool
A fool with twin scimitars on

It’s electing Big Bro for your next Grand Duke
To replace the last one who mysteriously croaked
It’s stating you’ll kill me if I won’t be perfectly good
As if that would put me
In a nice friendly mood – Ha!
And isn’t it moronic…don’t you think?
A little too moronic…and yeah I really do think…

It’s assassins walking straight up to me
Shouting out ‘I am Death come for thee’
It’s Old Pointy Hat’s meddling – completely for free
Who would have thought…it figures

The bard finished her song, beaming brightly at her friends, cheeks a little flushed. A smattering of applause broke out here and there within the tavern, and she recognized it by getting up on top of her chair and giving the audience a regal bow, then proceeded to gather the money passed her way. “So, how do you like it?” she asked once she had sat down again.

“Very nice!” Jan stated. “Lacks a certain turnip element, but otherwise very nice!”

“Aye,” Anomen said, not taking his eyes off the woman in front of him. “I…cannot say I entirely agree with everything but…but t’was most captivating.”

“Thank you!” Zaerini said, winking at him. “I’ll corrupt you yet, Ano, just you give me enough time…”

I think you may have already, Anomen thought. But…at the moment I cannot seem to bring myself to care…