Cards Reshuffled

Everybody needs somebody, at least one person with whom they can share anything, no matter how painful or humiliating. I may have occasionally liked to pretend otherwise, but of course in this respect I’m just the same as anybody. When it comes down to it, friends are the ones who aren’t afraid to tell you what you need to hear, and who are there to pick up the pieces afterwards.

Excerpt from ‘Interview With An Assassin’

The truth hurt. Yet the thought of lying never crossed his mind. Not to her. Concealing the truth might have been an option, skirting around it in clever feints the way he sometimes did when he needed to. But no, that wasn’t really an option either. She knew him far too well for that, and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Never that. “I lost him,” Dekaras said, absentmindedly noticing how empty and distant his voice sounded, as if it was coming from miles away. “I’m not sure what happened, but somewhere I must have done something terribly wrong, or he would never have acted the way he did. I only wish I knew what it was that I did, even if I can’t take it back now.” Memories came floating back, drifting into his memory like persistent ghosts, whispering in mournful voices. The bleakness of the empty ice fields. The cold emptiness that had entered his heart in the moment when he had realized that Edwin must have deceived him on purpose, the despair that still hadn’t left him, though he was better able to suppress it now. The wound inside was still open, still hurting, though the flow of blood had slowed.

He had needed privacy for this conversation, but hadn’t wanted to retreat to the room he had rented for the night. He needed fresh air, and open space, not the sensation of dirty walls pressing in and people moving in the corridor outside or in the adjoining rooms. Not the smells of unwashed bodies, or the sounds of laughter, arguing, lovemaking, fighting. The scent of pines, the distant yapping of a hunting fox, those were far more to his liking at the moment, and so he had asked his friend to accompany him to a quiet spot some distance into the woods around Beregost.

It was a rocky hill; one that could be relatively easily climbed, but still would make certain that nobody was going to stumble across them by accident. The rocks were old, and mostly smooth, and at one point a little ways down from the top of the hill there was a small plateau, one that formed a natural seat where you could rest almost as comfortably as in a couch, provided you didn’t mind the fact that your legs were dangling at about the same level as the treetops and that it was a very steep drop to the ground below. Dekaras didn’t really think about it, being very used to steep drops, including climbing about above them in the darkness, and he knew that his friend also wouldn’t have any problems. Right now she was sitting close enough that their hips were touching, though her shorter stature meant that her legs didn’t reach outside the edge, and she was watching him with a very worried expression on her face, evident despite the darkness.

“Look, Dekkie,” Poppy said, patting him on the knee. “I think you’d better tell me everything right from the beginning. I really have no clue what’s going on, but I know you, and I’ve hardly ever heard you sound this hurt. It’s like you’re bleeding on the inside and trying not to show it, and it’s really starting to scare me. You know I want to help you, so just tell me what’s happened, all right? Right now you’re not making any sense at all.”

Dekaras didn’t answer immediately, but stared out into the darkness. The emptiness below was very restful, as were the deep shadows all around. Perfect for hiding, for masking the depth of true emotion. One could easily drift away into those shadows. Simply float in the emptiness, unseen, safe. But I can’t very well hide from her, can I? I never was able to. I’m not even sure I want to. Even if the truth hurts.

“Why don’t you begin by telling me what you’re doing here?” he asked, stalling for time. “Last I knew you were back in Thay, working on an assignment to eliminate a certain Priest of Cyric. How did that work out?”

The halfling assassin smiled broadly. “Oh, you should have been there! I posed as a harmless little friendly halfling selling knitted nice brightly colored sweaters with the religious symbol of your choice, all of them very cute, and then I skewered him on my knitting needle as he reached for his purse.”

Dekaras thought about this for a moment. “Sounds very thorough,” he said. “And I think you’re probably the only one who could have pulled that off.”

“What, stabbing him?”

“No. Selling a ‘cute’ sweater to a priest of Cyric.” He smiled faintly. “I’ve missed you, you know. It’s been far too long.”

“Awww!” Poppy’s eyes lit like twinkling stars and once again she did her best to squeeze the life out of him in a heartfelt hug. “I’ve missed you too, Dekkie! And you’ve been gone for ages, I was getting really worried! And then my niece Alora wrote and asked me to come visit her, which is where I’m going now, and I kept hoping that maybe if I was lucky I might run into you, or at least hear some news of you, since I knew you were supposed to be about these parts. And then when I saw you today I was really happy.” She briefly paused to draw breath. “But I can tell you’re unhappy, you know. I know you don’t like to ever admit it, but something hurt you badly and it’s still hurting you. Don’t bother trying to pretend otherwise. This is me, and you know you don’t have to pretend to be perfect around me.”

“Perfect? Me? Ha, that’s a laugh. I’m anything but perfect and I never thought I was. If I were, I never would have managed to make such a hopeless mess of things.” He paused before he went on, still staring out into the empty darkness. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I do. It’s just that I was in a…bad state just when it happened, and only now am I getting really better. And retelling the story will bring it all back again.”

The halfling’s voice was edgy with anxiety. “You call this ‘getting better’? I can practically smell your pain from here. Then what were you like earlier?” Suddenly she grasped his arm tightly, and her eyes went very wide. “Dekkie…please tell me you didn’t try to do anything…stupid?”

“Um…” Dekaras said, feeling very uncomfortable. He sincerely hoped his friend wouldn’t be able to see that he was blushing, something that hardly ever happened. “It didn’t seem stupid at the time, it seemed like the only logical thing to do. I just thought that if I didn’t exist any longer…”

“YOU WHAT?” Poppy screamed as she got to her feet.

“…that everybody would be happier all around since I wouldn’t be around to…make mistakes.” Somehow, in retelling it, it didn’t seem all that sensible any longer. Actually, it sounded plain ludicrous.

Poppy seemed to share this opinion as she gave him an exasperated look. “You know Dekkie, for somebody who’s definitely an intelligent person you can also be unbelievably idiotic sometimes. And please don’t tell me you brought us up here because you’re about to jump off this cliff, because then I’d have to get really angry with you and probably have to knock you out and tie you up or something. And I’d get away with it too, because no matter how much you want to hurt yourself I know you wouldn’t want to hurt me. Come to think of it, I still might do it unless you give me a very good reason why I shouldn’t drag you home to have some sense forced into you.”

Dekaras blinked at the tiny bundle of halfling fury standing next to him. Since he was still sitting down she was at eyelevel with him, and he knew that she meant every word she said. He also knew that she might quite possibly get away with it. After all, she was right. He never would do anything to hurt her. “Poppy, I swear to you that I have no intention to jump off this cliff, or any other cliff for that matter,” he said, and apparently he sounded convincing enough. Poppy sat down again, but she stuck her arm under his with a determined gesture that clearly stated that she wasn’t about to take any chances.

“So,” Poppy said. “Tell me what happened then. I need to know who I should go kill for making my Best Friend wish he was dead.”

“Nobody. But I will tell you. I said I would, didn’t I?” And he started speaking, slowly at first, but faster as he got on with the story. He withheld nothing, telling of the mission Edwin had been entrusted with in all its complexity, the intrigues he himself had got involved in, and of exactly what Edwin had done, how he had tricked him and then disappeared. He even told about some of the dark depths to which he had sunk afterwards, and of how very close it had been that he hadn’t been able to crawl out of them again. When he finished speaking, there was a faint sliver of red light in the eastern sky, and the treetops now stood out like jagged black teeth against the horizon rather than being a part of the formless darkness. “I need to find him,” he finally said, his voice leaden. “I need to find him and try to understand why he did it. And that’s not all.”

“No?” Poppy softly asked. “What else then?”

“He might need me. You know what he’s like. He always gets in over his head, not thinking of how dangerous his plans might be.”

“Oh, right.” Poppy said, grinning. “Completely unlike you, you mean.”

“Yes, exactl…” Dekaras paused, giving his Best Friend a suspicious look. The halfling’s eyes were twinkling mischievously in an alarming manner. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Poppy just winked at him. “Look,” she said in a more serious voice. “Maybe I don’t know exactly what little Eddie might be up to, but I do know one thing. That kid loves you with all his heart. It’s in his eyes every time he looks at you, it always has been. He thinks you’re practically Ao himself. I can’t believe he’d ever want to hurt you, so there must have been something else going on, something he felt he couldn’t tell you about.”

“But what? What could possibly be so terrible that he couldn’t tell me about it?” He never used to have any problems with that before. I want to believe her. I want that more than anything else in the world. But I don’t know if I can. Not anymore.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him.” The halfling grinned again. “You’ll find him. There’s nobody you can’t find when you really put your mind to it. And then you tell him off for a while to get the anger out of your system, but try not to scare him too badly. You know how you get when you get worked up. And then you ask him to tell you the truth, and I’ll bet you anything that there’s a harmless explanation.” She paused. “Possibly a silly one, but a well-meaning one all the same. I told you, he loves you.”

“I used to think so, but…”

Poppy sighed again, pointing her finger directly at his nose, something that made him feel slightly cross-eyed. “You know, Dekkie, part of your problem is that you think too much. Some things you don’t think about. You just know. And this is one of them. Trust me on this. He loves you, and so do I. I wouldn’t lie to you about this, you know.”

“You know I trust you, as much as I trust myself. And I love you too. I just hope you’re right about this, that’s all.”

The halfling winked again, and then reached out to thoroughly ruffle his hair. “Aw, you’re just adorable when you’re behaving like a lost and fuzzy little puppy, you know that?”

“No, I don’t. And I’m not! And stop doing that!”

“Nope. It looks cute. Trust Big Sister.”

“Excuse me!” The assassin unfolded himself to his full and impressive length, in order to better be able to stare down his nose at the small halfling in front of him. It didn’t seem to have much effect unfortunately. Not any effect at all actually. “Just who’s the biggest one of us, may I ask you?”

“Huh, you’re only taller. But I’m older.”

“Not really. Halflings age more slowly than humans and…haven’t we had this discussion before?”

“Dunno.” Poppy was climbing up towards the top of the cliff now, making sure her friend followed. “If we did, I’m sure I won it. Being the oldest and wisest of us and all that. But I don’t mind. You need somebody to look after you, after all. And try not to brood so much. You know, you’re starting to remind me of that time when you were moping all the time and painted your entire bedroom black and kept lying about on your bed being all existential. You know, all that ‘Why are we here?’ and ‘What is the point?’ stuff.”

“I was fifteen, and I was perhaps just a little bit obsessed with philosophy. I got over it. And I don’t need to be ‘looked after’. You, on the other hand, would be totally helpless if I didn’t practically lead you by the hand and…” Dekaras never got to finish that sentence. He had reached the top of the cliff by now, but as he climbed across the edge he was in a bit of a precarious position. So precarious, in fact, that he failed to notice his friend’s outstretched leg in front of him. It wasn’t enough to make him fall, but it was enough to make him temporarily stumble, and before he knew it there was a halfling clinging tightly to his back, locking his legs with her own and tickling him furiously. Getting her off proved an insurmountable obstacle, since he didn’t want to risk harming her and couldn’t risk them both falling over the edge, and in the end he had no choice but to collapse on the ground, laughing helplessly.

“There we are,” Poppy finally said with a sunny smile. “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be sure you hadn’t forgotten how.”