Cards Reshuffled

Good and evil are complex issues, something that people have argued about for as long as people have existed. It always seriously annoys me when certain people think they can easily define what’s good and evil in every given situation, or to classify everybody they meet in that way. If it was that preposterously simple, everybody might as well have an obvious sign hanging about their neck, to tell others if it was legitimate to harass them or not.

Excerpt from ‘Interview With An Assassin’

The trail had grown infuriatingly cold. Dekaras glared darkly into the drink standing in front of him, as if it was somehow responsible for the frustration he was feeling. The plain fact was that he was temporarily stuck here in this dull little excuse for a town, and there was nothing he could do about it. Edwin had arrived here in Beregost, he knew that much. But then the boy had apparently headed south, accompanied by a local mercenary for hire, a dwarf named Kagain, and nobody in town seemed to know any specifics about where they had gone. Kagain was known for being very discreet about the people who employed him and to get upset about enquiries about them. That wouldn’t have stopped Dekaras from making an attempt, but unfortunately the dwarf was currently out of town, and it was uncertain when he would return.

Thus, the assassin had no other choice than to wait, and he was finding it immensely annoying. He was normally much more patient than this, but ‘normally’ wasn’t an applicable word when it concerned Edwin. Not having any idea of where the wizard was, or if he was well, was making him very tense. He’s so reckless…he could get himself into any sort of terrible mess, involve himself in some half-baked and dangerous scheme and not be able to disentangle himself on his own. Not to mention what might happen if he should stumble across some powerful magical spell and decide to play around with it. Anything might happen. And meanwhile I’m stuck here, waiting for some dwarf who might have decided to go off and visit his relatives for a couple of decades or so. It’s intolerable.

Last night he’d even had one of his recurring nightmares, a sure sign of being under stress. This was the one where he had to try to keep track of a few dozen infant versions of Edwin all at once, all of them cheerfully and innocently playing with fire, running towards deep chasms, pulling the manes of lions, eating dangerous substances, teasing demons or falling into lakes. Too many, far too many, and every time he managed to catch one child and pull him back to safety two more popped into existence, happily risking their lives. Too many…too fast. But I have to keep him safe. I have to. He had finally woken up a little before dawn, covered in cold sweat and unable to go to sleep again, and it had put him in a foul mood for the rest of the day. And to think there are people who say that you become a calmer, more serene person by having children. Ha!

Eventually he had come to this dingy little tavern known as the ‘Jolly Juggler’, in the hopes that having some people around him might distract him from his worries a little. So far it hadn’t helped. He’d had a drink or two, and he’d participated in a game of darts. Unfortunately, now nobody wanted to play against him anymore. Cowards. Well, at least I increased my funds a little. And right now he was sitting alone at a table, watching the other customers. Nobody particularly interesting was present. There was the usual mix of farmers, merchants, caravan guards, a random adventurer here and there. Nobody he particularly fancied talking to. Sighing, he stared into his mug of dark ale. His reflection didn’t look very happy to see him. Come to think of it, it didn’t look very healthy either. He’d been on a more or less constant move these past few days, and hadn’t eaten all that much. Or slept, for that matter. I guess I’d better slow down a little. Still, he couldn’t get rid of the feeling that Edwin needed him, and needed him soon. And if I came too late I would never forgive myself.

Dekaras shook his head. This was getting him nowhere, and worse, he knew that if he allowed these thoughts to continue he risked thinking himself straight into the mental equivalent of a deep, dark pit, just the same as he had in Icewind Dale. It wasn’t that simple to not think of something though. And then, just as he had managed to quit staring into the ale and moved along to staring at the worn tabletop in front of him, he was attacked. A small, but compact body tackled him from below the table, overturning it completely, and wormed itself onto his lap, bouncing cheerfully in a rather painful manner. Meanwhile, a pair of small, but muscular arms wrapped themselves tightly around his throat, squeezing. The one thing that stopped him from immediately gutting the offender was that the creature planted a big kiss straight on his nose, something that most hired killers definitely wouldn’t do. In fact, he knew of only one who would. Impossible! A chirpy voice squealed delightedly into his ear.

“Hi Dekkie! Boy, I sure am glad to see you! You’ve been away from home for ages. Aren’t you coming home soon? We all miss you and little Eddie-kins. Where is he? He isn’t hiding from his Auntie Poppy, is he? Speaking of hiding, I can’t believe you didn’t spot me just now, I must be getting really good at sneaking. You aren’t ill or something are you? You don’t look too good. Here, I’ll kiss it all better.” Another soppy wet kiss, this one on his forehead.

Dekaras sagged down in his chair, trying to get some air into his aching lungs. His eyes widened as he took in the face right in front of him. A smiling halfling face, round and red-cheeked, with merry and glittering brown eyes and shining brown curls. She’d braided them, one corner of his mind idly noticed, the way she often did when she was working, and now had a pair of stubby pigtails sticking out almost at straight angles from her skull, decorated by a large red bows. The clothes were more non-descript though, a fact of the assassin’s working conditions that always irritated her since she loved bright colors. “Poppy?” he said, sounding as incredulous as he felt.

The halfling grinned widely. “That’s me! Your very own Best Friend, in the flesh. Aren’t you happy to see me? You look a little funny.”

“Poppy, I’m always happy to see you…but could you please stop bouncing about like that? It hurts a bit.”

It was a few minutes later, and Dekaras had finally managed to make his Best Friend stop bouncing, as well as trying to strangle him with her enthusiastic hugs. She was still sitting on his lap though, since she had declared that none of the chairs in the tavern were halfling-sized, and that she didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening getting a crick in her neck from trying to see his face. She had also ordered one of her favorite drinks, a sticky sweet monstrosity that looked more or less like a liquid fruit salad and that she happily claimed ‘would put more fur on her feet’. She had already swallowed more than half of it. “So,” Poppy said. “Where is my favorite little wizard?”

“Er…” Dekaras said. ‘I lost him’ seemed to lack that certain something. Before he had the time to say anything however, the conversation was interrupted.

“You there!” a loud voice said. “The halfling! I demand that you give yourself up right now, in the name of the law!” A young man in shining armor was striding towards the table where the two assassins were sitting, looking highly indignant. He had a face of the sort that a knight novel would probably call ‘a noble countenance’, and no doubt some women would have found him attractive. Not at the moment though. At the moment, his hair was a bright, nauseatingly bright green, something that clashed with the angry red of his face. The fact that the big sword he was holding was glowing viciously blue didn’t make things any better.

“Ooops…” Poppy said, giving her friend a sheepish grin.

Dekaras sighed. “Poppy,” he said. “What’s this all about?”

“I’ll tell you what it’s all about!” the knight raged. “That…that little monster sold me a special hair oil, for ten gold pieces, and now look at me! I was a beautiful natural blond, and now I look like…like a vegetable! Or an orc!”

Dekaras looked at him. “Well,” he said. “Maybe you have a lovely personality.” He paused. “On second thought, probably not. It seems you have the brains of a vegetable as well, and I wouldn’t want to insult any orcs by comparing them to you. Go away before you manage to seriously annoy me.” He put a certain edge into his voice as he spoke the last sentence, but the knight was too furious to pay proper attention.

“Aren’t you listening?” he screamed. “My hair is green! I’m a paladin of the Noble Order Of The Most Radiant Heart, and I WILL NOT BE MOCKED LIKE THIS BY SOME MINUTE VILLAINOUS LITTLE HAIRDRESSER!”

Oh, wonderful, Dekaras thought. A paladin. Just what I needed to make my day complete.

“Hey!” Poppy piped up, gulping down the last of her drink and then burping violently. “I’m no hairdresser! That hair oil was meant to kill you, but I guess the poison must have gone old or something. Dekkie, do you want to take a look at my poison supply? You’re better with those things than I am.”

Dekaras quietly put his hand across his face. Not again. She always gets talkative when she gets drunk. And this young fool is likely to…

“Base villains!” the paladin trumpeted, his eyes almost bulging from his skull. “I shall use my trusty sword, the Extra Super Special Foeslaying Virgindefender…I mean Virtuedefender…to chastise you properly, or my name is not Sir Pontus Pious!”

Not before I use my trusty, and totally anonymous, but very sharp throwing dagger to puncture your left eyeball, you twit. Which I will do if you so much as try to bruise either of us. “Oh,” Dekaras said, letting his voice settle into a lazy drawl calculated to annoy. Despite his original desire for peace and quiet, by now he was rather enjoying himself. “I suppose that means your name isn’t Sir Pontus Pious then?”

The paladin frowned as he tried to work his way through this, but before he could answer another newcomer came hurrying towards the table, looking particularly murderous. This second fellow was also wearing armor, but it wasn’t the least bit shiny. It was dark, had vicious spikes on the shoulder pads, and was ‘decorated’ with a large number of evil-looking skulls. It actually reminded Dekaras a little of Sarevok. It seemed to be his style. Even the helmet followed the same theme, and this second young man’s angrily red face peered out from under a monstrous thing that was probably meant to resemble a dragon’s cranium. It had long sharp teeth, glowing red stones for eyes, and the sword the man was carrying was glowing red as well. “You! Halfling!” he said in an accusing voice. “For what you did to me I’m going to cleave you in two, and then I’ll cleave those two bits in two so that I get…uhhh….er…”

“Four bits?” Dekaras said.

“Yeah! Urh…four bits! That’s right!”

“Perhaps we could leave advanced mathematics for now,” the assassin suggested. “What exactly seems to be the problem?”

“The problem? THE PROBLEM? Just look at this!” He tore off his helmet to reveal exactly what the problem was. A pair of long, white and fluffy white ears slowly unfolded and then bobbed gently up and down, twitching nervously at all the loud noises around. “SEE?” the man screamed. “SHE GAVE ME RABBIT EARS! SHE SOLD ME AN EARWAX REMOVER AND IT TURNED MY EARS INTO RABBIT EARS!”

Dekaras gave his friend an inquiring look.

“It was meant to be a deadly poison,” Poppy said, shrugging. “I guess my supplies must really have gone funny. And the priest who hired me was going to pay me well too…what a shame.” She gave the angry man in the spiky armor a cheerful smile. “Hey, at least you got yourself a pair of cute little rabbit ears! I think they’re much prettier than your old ones.”

“CUTE RABBIT EARS? I AM SIR NOXIOUS FEARSOME, ANTI-PALADIN AND SCOURGE OF THE NORTH! ANTI-PALADINS DON’T HAVE RABBIT EARS!”

“Looks like they do now,” Dekaras said, as he was mentally calculating the best way to take out both paladin and anti-paladin. “Who knows, if you’re lucky you may even start a new fashion. Maybe you could become an earring model.” This sort of thing always seems to happen whenever I go out on the town with Poppy. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it.

Meanwhile, Sir Pontus Pious had managed to finally comprehend the insult that had been aimed at him, and he didn’t like it at all. “Insolent churl!” he told the seated assassin. “My sword is too good for you anyway! Tremble, villain! For I shall use the power of my God to Smite Evil, as is granted to me once a day!” He pointed a triumphant finger at Dekaras.

“I think you would do better to go and have a nice lie down in a dark and quiet room,” the assassin said. “In time, and with the proper healing spells, the delusions might go away.” Smite? What kind of person actually uses that word?

“Ha! I’ll show you! SMITE! SMITE, SMITE, SMITE!” A beam of dazzling blue light shot out of his fingertip.

“Ick,” Poppy said, watching the light with great interest. “Does that hurt, Dekkie?”

“It tickles a bit,” Dekaras said as he watched the blue light that was sparkling off his clothes. He gave the paladin a polite look. “Is it meant to do that?”

“No! It’s meant to strike you down with righteous fury! It won’t work! Why won’t it work?”

“Move aside, stupid!” the anti-paladin sneered. “If you weren’t as thick as a plank you’d understand that no true Servant of Evil would insult me, a genuine anti-paladin. Clearly he is a sickening Minion of Goodness! But I’ll show him how it’s done! I’ll just use my AWESOME power to Smite Good, like I can do once a day!” Dekaras couldn’t help but notice that this time around it was the middle finger that was used. Possibly that gave extra Evil Points or something. Also, the light that shot out of the finger was a dazzling red, which intermingled with the blue one to create a rather violent purple. Apart from that, nothing much happened.

“But…” the anti-paladin whined. “Why isn’t it working?”

“Are you done soon?” Dekaras asked him, once again using his politest voice. “This is getting rather tedious, actually. I could always pretend to be in terrible agony if you want me to.” Meanwhile he made an almost invisible signal that only Poppy was able to pick up on. The halfling nodded and mouthed a quiet ‘You go left, I go right’. Then she swiftly hurled her glass, which was a heavy and solid one, straight at the still outstretched arm of the paladin. At the same time, Dekaras did the same with his own mug, managing a solid hit on the anti-paladin’s elbow. Red and blue light trembled, wavered, and got completely knocked off target. Both men screamed with pain as their respective divine powers hit each other, and then they dropped dead – literally so.

“Oh, goody!” Poppy said. “That means I can collect on the assignments after all. “Thanks for the help, Dekkie!”

“You’re welcome,” the taller assassin said as he got up from the table. “And I’m sure I’ve told you before not to call me that.”

“Of course you have, Dekkie. Do you want another drink? I’ll pay; it was my fault we had to waste them. And the targets as well.”

Dekaras shook his head. “No,” he said. “I think I’d prefer to go somewhere where we can speak in private. Somewhere where we aren’t too easily spotted.” He looked himself over and grimaced with disgust at the bright purple glow that still surrounded his entire body. Little purple sparks shot off his fingertips whenever he touched anything. “Not that I see how I could possibly manage to be discreet while glowing like a street lamp…”