Cards Reshuffled

I suppose tastes differ, but I still somehow manage to get amazed about which objects of devotion people choose for themselves. Well, as long as they’re happy I suppose. Though given a choice there’s only one wizard for me, and he doesn’t wear a pointy hat. Except for fancy dress.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Rayic Gethras slowly materialized, giving Zaerini and her companions an accusing look. “Well?” he said. “I asked you what you are doing in my home. I warn you, I am a member of the Cowled Wizards, and not to be trifled with.”

Zaerini looked at the ugly pointed hat the wizard was wearing and then felt her mouth opening of its own accord. “If you’re a Cowled Wizard, then how come you’re wearing that unsightly thing? What are you trying to do, rival Elminster as ‘Worst Dressed Wizard Of Toril’? If so, you might as well give up at once.” Dear gods, that was something Edwin might have said. I miss him…and I’ll sock him in the nose for making me do this job for him.

The wizard’s mouth tightened a little. “I wear my cowled robe at work,” he said. “Right now I am at home, and unfortunately, so are you.”

“Yes, well, there’s a reason for that.” Rini drew a deep breath, preparing herself for the worst. “I’ve come to speak with you about another wizard. One Edwin Odesseiron.”

The bard then felt a nervous flutter in her stomach as she watched the wizard’s wrinkled face turn as purple as his robe. “Edwin Odesseiron?” he screeched. “EDWIN ODESSEIRON?! That…that scheming, aggravating, rude, offensive little excuse for a hedge-wizard! If you’re his friends, then YOU WILL DIE A PAINFUL DEATH! HE HAS SINNED AGAINST THE GREAT ONE!” Veins were pulsing at his temples as he raised his hands to cast a spell.

Bluish-white lightning flashed through the air, leaving the sharp smell of ozone behind, and Rini was just barely able to dodge it. Yikes! Looks like Eddie still has his old gift for making friends and gaining influence intact. “Hey!” she shouted. “Stop it! Can’t we talk about this first?”

“Talk? TALK? Don’t you know what that fiend of a wizard did to me?”

“Um…no?”

“He…when he learnt I was on his trail to have him incarcerated for illegal use of magic he stole my membership card in the ‘Elminster’s Jolly Little Wizard’s Fanclub, and…and he…sent it on to my superiors, along with the pure and perfect poem I’d written to His Augustness’ honor. And then they…then they threw me out for conduct unbecoming a Cowled Wizard! And he made a very nasty joke about pointy hats too! I’ll kill him for that. And all of you as well, just you wait! I will not be made a laughing-stock like this!”

The wizard was clenching and unclenching his hands in maniacal manner, and his face was twisted into a snarling mask of rage. “Jolly Little Wizard’s Fanclub?” Jaheira asked, her voice disbelieving. “Is that not something meant for the children of the Realms?”

“I don’t care! I’ve been a member since the club was founded eighty years ago, and I’ll be one till the day I die. I know all the secret signs, I have the decoder ring, I know the anthem by heart!” Gethras placed his hand across his heart and started singing, tears of devotion streaming down his face.

Who’s the leader of the pack,
That hangs around the bar?

E-L-M-I-N-S-T-E-R!

Ho there, ho there, ho there,
He’s the handsomest by far!

E-L-M-I-N-S-T-E-R!

Elminster!

Elminster!

Pointy hats held high! Pointy heads below!

Join the dance! Fall in trance!
He’ll suck you in like a pit of tar!

E-L-M-I-N-S-T-E-R!

Come young one, and join the fun, and walk His Greatness’ road,
Worship him, adore him, or find yourself a toad!

Ho there, ho there, ho there,
He’s the handsomest by far!

E-L-M-I-N-S-T-E-R!

Once the singing stopped there was silence for a few moments.

“Th-that,” Aerie said, her face pale, “was…was v-very scary. And painful.”

“Not to mention out of tune,” Rini added. “Geez! I think my ears are about to fall off.”

“Minsc doesn’t understand,” Minsc said. “What is with the pointy hats? Sweet Dynaheir never had one, and she was a very good Witch.”

“Ah,” Jan said. “There’s a small secret to that, or so I’ve heard.” The gnome’s eyes sparkled mischievously when next he spoke. “2000 years will take their toll, and I’ve heard that the only reason why Elminster doesn’t look more ancient than he does is because he’s used so many ‘Face-Lift’ spells that the entire pointy hat is stuffed full of loose skin.”

“THAT IS NOT TRUE!” Rayic Gethras screamed. His entire body was quivering by now. “HE IS A VERY HANDSOME AND CHARMING MAN, ACTUALLY! YOU WILL BURN IN THE ABYSS FOR SAYING SUCH THINGS, YOU EVIL, BAD PERSON!”

“Huh,” Rini scoffed. “Charming? Handsome? With all those gross brown stains all over his beard? I hope they’re nicotine, but the smell suggests he’s actually using that excess hair for sanitary purposes. And speaking of hair, his mustache doesn’t just sit below his nose, it grows out of it. I’ve met him in person, I should know.”

“NOOOOO! NOOOOO! THAT’S NOT TRUUUUUEEE! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”

“Oh come on, search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

“NOOOOOAAAAARRRRGHHHH!” Rayic Gethras had now shifted from a purple hue to a blue one, and with a final gurgled gasp he slumped to the ground.

Anomen hastily moved over to the fallen man, checking his pulse. “I fear he is dead,” he said in a solemn voice. “The strain was too much for his heart.”

“Ooops,” Rini said, grinning a little sheepishly. “I didn’t know that was gonna happen, honestly! I was only baiting him to make him lose his composure. To give us an advantage in the fight, you know.”

“The p-poor man…” Aerie said. “He was in such p-pain towards the end, I could…I could sense it clearly.”

“Minsc still does not understand,” Minsc said. “What were those stains meant to be if not…” Then he paused, inclining his ear towards the hamster on his shoulder. “Oh! Boo has explained it all! Little Rini is a very naughty girl, but it was good fun just the same!”

“Can we leave now?” Jaheira asked. “There is nothing else for us here.”

“Oh, all right,” Rini said. “Let’s go.” She gave the dead wizard a final look as she stepped across his prone body. Poor bugger, she thought. But he really brought it on himself.

Heading back towards Mae’Var’s guild the bard was quite chagrined to find herself humming the tune to what she had come to think of as the ‘Elminster Adoration Song’. As ridiculous as the lyrics were, the tune was still a catchy one. And she was in a good mood. I bet that’s the first time in the history of assassination that anybody ever got killed by an insult. One for the history books, maybe? Eddie should enjoy that story. Then she remembered that she was still angry with the Red Wizard. Well, after I have a little talk with him about that stupid nonsensical note he left me of course. And about how he ran out on me. He owes me an explanation. Then I might forgive him. She lost herself in pleasant contemplation on just how such forgiveness might be administered.

“Child,” Jaheira said, nudging her arm, “we need to have a word.”

“Hmmm? What about?”

“About the wisdom, or lack thereof, of putting your trust in Edwin.”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

The druid scoffed, making an annoyed, cutting gesture with her hand. In the darkness, her clothes of green and brown looked almost black. “You know perfectly well what I mean. We could all have got killed just now, in the place where he sent us.”

“No! It wasn’t like that! He wouldn’t try to harm me.”

“No? Have you already forgotten how you cried for his sake when he left?” Jaheira’s voice turned milder. “Child, I know you have…feelings for him. I do not blame you for it; I only want to keep you from being hurt. Sometimes…sometimes we think we have something perfect within our hands but it does not turn out the way we wanted it to. Sometimes we have to accept the world as it is, not as we would wish it to be.”

“No. I know him.”

“Do you? Or do you simply know what he wanted you to see? The Red Wizards are well known for their complex plots. Perhaps the way we first encountered him was not entirely coincidental, did you ever think of that? That maybe he was only using you?”

Zaerini closed her eyes briefly, hugging herself. The night wind seemed to have taken on a sudden chill. “Of course I did,” she said. “Over and over again…” Fury and grief had alternated in her heart during those dark days back in Baldur’s Gate. One moment she had been certain something terrible must have happened to the wizard to make him run off like that. The next she had been filled with terrible self-doubt, thinking that maybe he had never cared one bit about her in the first place, that maybe she had only been a lowly pawn in some Thayvian game. She still didn’t know what to think. Except that I miss him. Oh gods, I miss him so much.

Of course you do, kitten, Softpaws said. The black cat was riding on her mistress’ shoulder, and right now she was nudging her a little with her nose. There is unfinished business between you, and maybe more.

More?

You have to talk to him. You’ll never be satisfied until you do.

Yes. You’re right.

Of course I am. I’m a full-grown cat, not a silly kitten like you. Now, tail up, and saunter in there proudly. That’s more like it.

“I don’t know what is true,” Rini said as she pulled open the door to Mae’Var’s guild house. “All I know is that I must talk to him. Alone, and without interference. I’d like you and the others to stay downstairs and let me go up alone this time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Very sure.” The half-elf flicked her red hair back across her shoulder, and then headed up the stairs, a sharp and anticipatory smile on her face. Think you can run out on me do you, Edwin Odesseiron? Well, you’re about to learn differently. Like it or not, I’m not finished with you yet.

Careful, Softpaws warned, her mental voice sounding very amused. Don’t claw him too badly or he’ll be no use at all when the time comes for your mating.

Ha! I may love him, but I haven’t forgiven him yet. And I wouldn’t claw him. Much. At least not if he can explain himself. Zaerini had reached the top of the stairs by now, and pulled the door open, bracing herself. Then she looked inside the room and gasped with horror.