Cards Reshuffled

There is no single one Ultimate Weapon, since it all depends on what kind of foe you are currently facing. But it is certainly true that one Ultimate Weapon is the unbridled relentless energy of a cheerful, loving little creature, capable of destroying furniture within a ten-mile radius simply by looking at it.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Once Jan had worked his way past a fairly complicated lock, Zaerini and her companions found themselves in a small and dark hallway. A few cloaks hung from a coat-rack in one corner; there was a faded old mosaic on the floor portraying a wizard summoning some sort of hideous multi-tentacled creature, and on one wall hung a portrait of another wizard. This second wizard was old and had a long white beard, beady little eyes, a meaty nose and an immensely ugly pointed purple hat. The hat reminded Rini uncomfortably of Elminster, and she didn’t like the way the wizard’s eyes seemed to follow her about the room. “Come on,” she whispered. “Through there…”

There was a doorway leading into another room, and she could see flickering firelight so it was probably a living room. Then she frowned. She’d heard something…it had sounded like voices. Squeaky little voices. Carefully she peered around the corner, trying to avoid getting seen. The sight that met her almost made her gasp with surprise however.

Behind the doorway there was indeed a living room. A sofa and a couple of armchairs stood in front of the fireplace, where a fire was cheerfully burning. The walls were covered with bookshelves from floor to ceiling, and the books were spilling out into the room, being piled high in heaps on the floor. Her fingers were itching to peruse them, but that wasn’t what had attracted her attention. Four odd little beings were floating in the air, in sitting positions, playing cards. They all were basically humanoid, with sharp little faces dominated by protruding chins and noses and mischievous eyes, and their claws were very sharp. There the similarities ended however.

The first of the four looked as if it had been formed from fire, it had flickering flames on its head reminiscent of hair, and its dancing yellow eyes reminded the half-elf a little of her own. It was currently preoccupied with slowly melting the creature that was hovering next to it, a tinkling being formed of living ice. Water was dripping down the back of the ice creature, but it was too busy studying its cards to notice. The third of the beings was red, though a duller, darker red than the fire one, and this one was sort of dribbly and runny, like molten lava. The look in its ruby red eyes was pretty dull as well, and it was scratching its bald head with claws that were a little blunter than those of its fellows. The fourth one was more or less a puff of hot air, and it hissed and steamed like a boiling kettle when it spoke.

“Ssssilly onessss! No cheatsssss here, you’re all too sussspicious.”

“But…” the molten lava one said. “Earlier you said that the ace is high, and now…”

”That’ssss how the rulesssss work!”

The fire creature snickered. “Rules are boring anyway. Let’s just burn them all!” It started chanting in an eerie, metallic little voice. “Burn…burn…burn…” It giggled loudly and made a loop in the air.

“That’s all you ever think of!” said the icy one, sniffing. Then it suddenly noticed that its nose was dripping, and it shrieked with terror. “Eeeeee! I’m melting! I’m MELTING!” The fire creature laughed uproariously.

Mephits, Rini thought, grinding her teeth. I’d hoped I’d never have to deal with any of those again. The imp-like creatures were constructive from their respective elements, and she knew all too well how annoying they could be. Still, she’d need to get past them to find Rayic Gethras, she could spot the stairway leading to the second floor on the other side of the room. We could fight them I suppose, but some of us might be hurt, and we shouldn’t waste our healing spells. Gethras could be dangerous. Besides, we don’t want to warn him off. So, we need to incapacitate them somehow. Hmmm…yes! That should work!

The bard concentrated, and then reached within herself, deep into that dark well that was the power of the God of Murder nested within her soul. Her voice changed into a perfect imitation of the crackling voice of the fire mephit, and she threw it out so it seemed to emanate from the creature’s mouth. “Hey!” it said. “You’re cheating, I saw you conjure an ace out of your ear! Yeah, I’m talking to you, the ugly, runny one!”

“I don’t cheat!” the lava mephit protested. “You’re the one who’s cheating, don’t think I didn’t see you burn that bad hand you got before!”

“What?” the fire mephit protested. “I didn’t…”

“Yesssss you did!” said the steam mephit. “Cheater! Dirty, rotten little sssssneak!”

“You’re the cheater, Hissy!” said another voice that sounded like that of the ice mephit. “Huh, think you’re all high and mighty, think you can boss us all around and then cheat at cards.”

“Hsssss! I don’t cheat! And I’ll sssssscald anybody who sayssss differently!”

“That’s what you think, fog face!”

Within seconds the game had deteriorated into a hissing, screaming, biting, clawing and kicking bundle of angry mephitis. Zaerini smirked slightly as she stepped around the corner, casting a Web spell on the distracted creatures. Thick strands of sticky spider web entangled them all in one sticky and very angry heap, which she proceeded to pick up and stuff into an old oaken cabinet. She jammed the door tightly shut with a chair and then dusted her hands off. “See?” she told Jaheira. “I can too be careful!”

“Hmpf,” the druid said. “No doubt it is too good to last.”

“Ha! Just you wait and see.” Rini turned around, giving the stairs a considering look. Gethras might be up there, but there might we something else as well, perhaps something more dangerous than a bunch of mephitis. “I think we should scout ahead a little.”

“Oh, I can handle that,” Jan said. “Be right back.” The gnome wasn’t exactly a master of stealth, but he was good at illusionary magic. After he had mumbled a few arcane syllables he disappeared from sight, and the only sign of him was a faint creak on the staircase as he disappeared upstairs. Shortly afterwards he reappeared, looking rather flustered. “Enemy golems ahead, Captain!” he told Rini. “Three of them, as ugly and bad-tempered as my Uncle Scratchy ever was.”

“Golems?” Anomen sharply asked.

“That’s right,” Jan said. “Big, ugly, made of stone or metal, like to break skulls. They’re really just automatons of course, don’t have a thought in their heads. All they can do is follow orders.” He grinned slyly. “Maybe you could pretend to be a long lost cousin, eh Ano?”

“You would mock me, you vile little man? Cease and desist or…”

“Not now!” Minsc admonished, his enormous hands grasping Anomen by the shoulder and Jan by the scruff of the neck. “There is Evil to fight, and we must not frighten it away by fighting our friends! Boo says we must creep on silent hamster feet, and then scream and shout and hack all enemies to little bit.”

Rini looked at Minsc’s feet, that were about the size of two rowboats. That’s certainly a new take on assassination, she thought. Not that we’re necessarily going to kill Gethras of course. Let’s just go up there and see what happens. “Thanks, Minsc,” she said, hardly noticing the eager way Jan’s eyes gleamed as he caught sight of the furry little hamster clinging to Minsc’s shoulder. “I think that says it all. So, anybody got any ideas about those golems?”

In the end, there didn’t seem to be that many options. It would have been impossible for all of them to sneak past the golems, and they didn’t have that many invisibility spells available. Tricking them would have been difficult, since they didn’t have any minds to speak of. That left fighting. Once several strength and speed enhancing spells had been cast, the adventurers headed upstairs.

Zaerini recalled the last time she had faced a golem. That time, the only way they’d been able to take it out was by tripping it and making it fall down a very long flight of enchanted stairs. This time, the stairs were made of wood, and there were three golems. But I’m stronger now. I am. And I can do this. As the three large forms at the other end of the room turned towards her with an eerily simultaneous movement and charged she tried to keep that thought firmly in mind. The golems looked a little bit like giant humans hewn from solid rock, with blank and emotionless faces and very large fists. The bard didn’t doubt that a single blow from one of those fists could crack her skull like an egg. Oh, sure thing, Edwin! Just send me off to get squashed, thanks a lot.

Then she didn’t have time to think any more, as the golems reached her. She dodged and weaved, using her speed and agility to keep out of harm’s way. Her lightly enchanted sword was able to do some damage, but she wasn’t strong enough to more than dent the golems. Anomen was, but his mace bounced uselessly off the golems’ stony hides. Minsc and Jaheira were having better luck, especially Minsc. Sarevok’s old Sword of Chaos whistled through the air with whirlwind speed, and one of the golems tumbled to the ground with a sound like a rockslide. Rini winced a little. Guess the stealthy approach is out of the question now, unless Gethras is really old and deaf.

The victory hadn’t come without its price though. Minsc’s left arm dangled broken and useless at his side, crushed by a terrible blow. Though he was in enough of a berserker rage not to feel it, it also meant he was forced to try to wield the large sword with only one hand. It wasn’t going very well. Anomen and Aerie simultaneously chanted healing spells, and the ranger rallied, but he was still under dangerous assault.

“Don’t you worry, Minscey!” Jan shouted. “I’ve got an idea!” The gnome hauled a small metallic object out of his robe, and hastily started unfolding it. Rini stared at the thing. It looked like a dog, a metallic puppy with glowing red eyes and a furiously wagging tail. “Bark!” it said. “Bark, bark, bark!” Then it sat down on its haunches and begged, a red velvet tongue lolling out of its mouth. “This,” Jan said, beaming proudly, “is the Powerful Ultimate Pooch, or P.U.P. for short. I made him as a present for…” He suddenly looked a little sad. “For this little girl I know. Just watch how clever he is! P.U.P.! Roll over!”

The toy immediately obeyed the command, panting excitedly and whining in a metallic voice.

Zaerini dodged another blow, feeling her sword tremble in her aching hands. “Jan!” she shouted. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Playing with an abomination, that’s what, Softpaws remarked in a disgusted voice. As if real dogs aren’t bad enough, now he has to go and make a…a fake one.

“No fear!” Jan said. “I’m getting to it!” He pointed at the golems. “P.U.P.! Underfoot!” The little dog barked happily and zipped off towards the golems like a flash of metallic lightning. The golems didn’t look surprised, but that was only because their faces weren’t really equipped to display any kind of emotion. One of them tried to kick the toy puppy out of the way, and the other tried to step on it. Both found themselves stumbling as the speedy toy deftly wove in and out between their feet.

“Jan!” Jaheira shouted. She had a nasty bruise across her cheek, and she was limping. “This is not funny!” She slammed her quarterstaff up against the face of one of the golems, her entire upper body vibrating as she struck the unyielding surface.

Jan was rubbing his hands by now with a maniacal grin on his face. “Just a moment, oh so humorous one! Just a moment. P.U.P.! Business Meeting!”

The dog’s red eyes took on a look of utter bliss, and raised its hind leg against the leg of one of the remaining golems. A forceful stream of black, slick oil shot out and made a large puddle on the floor. As the two golems’ large feet started slipping about uncontrollably they clutched desperately at each other like two little children, and this time there was just a hint of emotion on their stony faces. Utter panic, that was.

“Move it!” Rini screamed as she threw herself to the floor and rolled away from the immedieate vicinity of the golems, blindly dragging the closest of her companions with her. From the surprised squeal she thought it had to be Aerie. Then she was on the ground, and she stared at the scene in front of her, that seemed to be taking place magically slow so she could see every detail. The golems were in the air, arms and legs flailing as the fell, and then there was a deafening crash followed by a sound like breaking crockery. One of the golems had accidentally bashed the other’s face in, while that one had its foot firmly planted inside the chest of the first. P.U.P. was standing on top of the head of one of the broken golems, barking happily and wagging his metallic tail so swiftly that it was just a blur in the air.

As for herself, she seemed to be intact, apart from having acquired a splinter or two in her hand. She winced slightly as she pulled it out, happy to see that all her friends seemed unharmed as well and were slowly getting to their feet. All except for Jan, who was patting P.U.P. on the head and telling him what a good dog he was. “Jan?” she asked. “Business meeting?”

The gnome winked. “Ah, there’s a story to that, your worship! You see, P.U.P. needs to release excess oil from time to time, and the father of the little girl I was planning to give him to is in ‘business’, and is also a turnip-hating scum of the first magnitude. I was just thinking ahead a little, thinking it might liven things up.”

“Riiight…I suppose that makes…sense…” The half-elf looked about, noticing a second stairway, leading further into the building. “I suppose Gethras will be up there, if he’s home.”

“You…do you honestly mean to k-kill him?” Aerie pleaded. “Please, you should r-reconsider. That…that evil wizard will only d-drag you down to his level by making you do such a thing.”

I don’t really think you’d mind being dragged down to his level all that much, kitten, Softpaws said, pausing only to give P.U.P. an annoyed look. Not if it included that thing you people do with your lips.

Kissing?

Yes, that. Stupid dog…why couldn’t Jan have built an artificial cat instead? We’re much smarter and prettier.

Never mind.

Zaerini shrugged, giving Aerie a neutral look as she resheathed her sword. “We’ll see what happens with Gethras. I intend to make sure he doesn’t harm Edwin, but there might be a different way of doing that than killing him. Or maybe he’s dead already. We haven’t exactly acted like silent assassins so far, I’m surprised he hasn’t turned up yet to see what all the noise is about.” It was then that she noticed that all her friends were staring strangely at her. “What?”

“Behind you…” Jaheira said in a strangled voice. “Just over your right shoulder.”

Rini hastily turned her head, and then she found herself staring into a pair of beady, dark little eye. Disembodied eyeballs that was, floating freely in the air right next to her face, and they didn’t look happy to see her. “Um…” she said. “What…” Then she recognized the eyes. They were the eyes of the portrait of the wizard downstairs, the eyes that had appeared to follow her around the room. Guess I was more right about that than I knew.

“Who are you?” said a disembodied voice from somewhere beneath the eyes, and now a mouth appeared as well, something that was very unsettling to watch. “And what are you doing in my house?”

Ouch. Yes, the ‘silent assassin’ option is definitely out.