Cards Reshuffled

The Kiss of Life might sound like a promising way to get in close contact with your chosen mate, but there may be certain unforeseen complications. Trust me on this; these complications are not something you want to experience for yourself, unless you’re very kinky.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Edwin had clearly fallen asleep at his writing desk, hunched over a bunch of old parchments in a way that looked extremely painful on the back. Worse, his candle had burned clear down and was even now in the process of setting fire to the table next to him. It looked as if it might spread to his robe at any moment and the air of the room was heavy with black smoke.

“Edwin!” Zaerini screamed. When this didn’t seem enough to wake the wizard up she took a flying leap instead, tackling him to the floor and out of immediate harm’s way. Then she scrambled to her feet again, looking wildly about the room. When she spotted a heavy blanket lying on the bed she didn’t hesitate to snatch it up and throw it over the smoldering table. It seemed to work. There was still smoke, but the flames had gone out. Her heart fluttering wildly, the half-elf once again went to her knees, shaking the unconscious man by the shoulders. At least he was breathing steadily, and he didn’t seem to be burnt. That was something. Why won’t he wake up though? Come on, Eddie! Talk to me!

“You…you stupid wizard!” Rini muttered as she tried to awaken the wizard by pinching his nose, then by gently rubbing his chest. It didn’t seem to have any effect. “Falling asleep with a lit flame like that…do you want to get killed? Well, don’t you think you’ll be getting away from me that easily! I’m not done with you, not by a long shot. No way.” She paused. Edwin looked rather pale, but apart from that… He’s so good-looking…even better than I remembered. Maybe…maybe I should try the kiss of life.

He’s already breathing, kitten, Softpaws said. The black cat had leapt onto the bed and was watching the proceedings, looking fascinated.

I know that! But…but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give him a little extra air. I’m sure he needs it. I’m only trying to think of his health you know.

Oh, of course. And I’m a Hell Hound.

There’s no need to be like that. The bard drew a deep breath. Here goes. Let’s do it now, before I have the time to regret this. She bent down, closer to the wizard’s face. Closer…closer…almost there…

“Urrrrggggg….” Edwin groaned. Then his dark eyes suddenly flew open and a sickly greenish tinge spread across his face. And then there was a very loud sound, approximately ‘BRRRAAAUUUURRRRPPP!’ and a terrible stench filled the room.

Silence. Deep, deep silence. Zaerini looked down on her now completely ruined shirt. She looked up again, staring into the pale face of an utterly mortified Red Wizard. “Well,” she said. “Thanks for that welcoming. Looks like you were really happy to see me, Edwin. Ecstatic even.”

“Um…” the wizard said. “Zaerini? Is that you?”

“No. It’s my stinking, puke-covered, evil and very pissed off twin. I’m so happy to see you haven’t lost your social skills entirely.”

“Ha! It wasn’t my fault!” Edwin had managed to pull himself into a sitting position now, and some of the old fire was back in his eyes. “Can I help it if your skills in the healing arts are so non-existent that you’d assault a sick man? (Next she’ll be healing headaches with an axe.)”

“You’d be burnt to a crisp right now if it wasn’t for me, and then you’d finally be some use! I could sell you as a street sign for ‘The Burned Wizard’ back in Beregost, and earn some money. Besides, it would shut you up.”

“I’ll have you know I’m very useful around here! Mae’Var trusts me implicitly, and I actually am very happy about this new and lucrative career! Or I was, until you waltzed in here and started assaulting me. (Of all the thieves guilds in all the cities in all of Faerun, she had to walk into this one.)”

The wizard sounded completely serious as he said this, but there was the smallest hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth, one that he was probably unaware of himself. Gotcha, Eddie! Rini thought to herself, and allowed herself a small smirk of her own. You always were a terribly bad liar. “Whatever,” she said. “Now, where do you keep your spare clothes? I need to change.”

“Change?” Edwin practically squeaked. “What…what do you mean? Change? How? Now? Here?”

“Yes, Edwin. Since you managed to throw up all over me, I need to A) Wash off and B) Change my clothes. And unless you mean for me to do it downstairs in your employer’s little cozy torture chamber, this seems like a perfect spot.” She paused. “After you turn your back of course.”

“Turn my back…”

“Unless you thought you could watch?”

“W-watch….”

Oh, sweet vengeance… “Didn’t think so,” the half-elf said in a decisive tone of voice, and then moved over to the dresser. “Are you going to be a gentleman and find me something, or do you want me to search through your underwear drawer?”

“NO! I…I mean…no. I’ll find you something.”

“Oh, good. You have something other than mage robes, I hope? Somehow I don’t think the Red Wizards would appreciate me impersonating one of them.”

Softpaws’ silent chuckle echoed through her Mistress’ brain. Kitten, you’re doing very well. Keep him off-balance and play a little with him.

Oh, I don’t want to embarrass him too much. Besides, if I did let him watch…I’d…I’d be pretty much embarrassed too. But he doesn’t need to know that.

As it turned out, Edwin did have some other clothes at hand other than mage robes. After all, he needed to wear something beneath them. Zaerini washed off, whistling cheerfully to herself, and then she pulled on her borrowed shirt. High quality it was, if a bit worn, and very nice and soft. It was a bit large, reaching mid thigh level, and gaped a bit at the throat, but it would do. Grinning to herself she silently walked over towards the door, and then swiftly pulled it open. Edwin fell into the room with a strangled cry of surprise. It seemed that he had been standing in a bent-over position, his eyes very close to the keyhole.

“Looking for something?” Rini sweetly asked him.

“Absolutely not! I…I was tying my shoe.”

Zaerini looked down and carefully studied the wizard’s shoes. Very nice they were, pointy, embroidered, colorful, stylish and completely lacking any form of laces. “Tying your shoe,” she said in a neutral voice, arching a delicate red eyebrow. “I see.”

“I…I wouldn’t expect a barbarian like yourself to understand about the fine and intricate Thayvian craft of making…uh…invisible shoelaces for the sole use of superior and skilled wizards such as myself. They’re very mysterious. Mysterious and powerful. Yes. That’s it. (Phew. That ought to be enough to fool her.)”

“Uh-huh. Well, I guess you were so busy with your mysterious and powerful invisible shoelaces that you never noticed that I’d happened to hang my vest right across the keyhole. I’m glad you weren’t bored.”

“Edwin Odesseiron is never bored! With a magnificent mind like mine I am able to occupy my thoughts and entertain myself under any possible circumstances!” The wizard’s eyes drifted towards the half-elf standing before him, paying particular attention to the way her collarbones and a hint of her pale shoulders showed in the overly large shirt. “That is…I…(By every ancient Zulkir’s burnt bones, does she have to move about like that? How am I supposed to concentrate when she…oooohhh…)”

“If you say so,” Rini said, taking the wizard by the arm and guiding him to a seat on the bed. As for herself she sat down on the chair, backwards so that she could lean her elbows and chin on the back of it. Before washing she had aired the room out, and though there was still a smell of smoke in the air, at least it was possible to breathe properly. “Now. Cut the crap and talk to me. Why did you run out on me back in Baldur’s Gate? I’m not budging an inch from here until you tell me something.”

Edwin squirmed uncomfortably on the bed, not meeting her eyes. “I told you. I left you that letter, or did you forget already? Is your poor, undeveloped monkey-brain unable to keep such things in mind for any longer than it takes you to locate your next banana?”

Rini felt familiar anger dangerously close to flaring up. Her face was growing hot, and she knew that her eyes were burning as wildly as those of Sarevok ever did.

He’s trying to provoke you into changing the subject, Softpaws warned. The cat was busily washing her fur, and as she gave Edwin a pointed look she proceeded to pay very close attention to her inner thigh. Don’t let him. Ask him to help you do this instead. Her tongue performed a complicated corkscrew movement.

Softy!

What? It feels very nice. But if you insist on carrying out your entire courting ritual by shouting, by all means, be my guest.

“I know you left me a letter,” Zaerini said in a low and dangerous voice. “One that said absolutely nothing, except that you ‘had important business elsewhere’ and ‘could no longer spare the time’ and ‘didn’t expect me to be able to understand’. And several other ridiculous phrases like that. I know that letter by heart. And do you know how I know?”

Edwin mutely shook his head, not meeting her eyes.

“Because I read it over and over again, trying to figure out why you would treat me like that, hurting my feelings like that. Especially since I thought we were…friends.”

“Do you…still have that letter?” the Red Wizard asked, his voice uncharacteristically hesitant.

“No.” His face fell a little. “No,” Rini went on, getting to her feet. “I lost it.” She stared out the window, telling herself that it was only the traces of smoke in the air that made her eyes blur. “I lost it when I was…when I was abducted and tortured for months by this insane wizard in a leather mask. And then…and then I lost Imoen too. The Cowled Wizards…they took her. I’m trying to find her, you know. And if you want to – I could really use your help. But only if you really want to. I didn’t mean what I said before about one year’s service. If you really want to go…I won’t hold you to it.” She bit her lip, trying to keep her face composed. “I only wanted an explanation.”

She stared out the window, expecting him to ask her to leave. And then she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders, gently turning her around, and he was standing close to her. So very close. The wizard’s face was tense, but his dark eyes were alight with some deep emotion, something she couldn’t quite fathom. “I…do not want to,” he said. “Not any more. I am still your…your friend.” He voice was pained. “I cannot explain all of why I did as I did before. I am not the only one concerned. But you should know…part of it is that I am currently not on entirely friendly terms with the Red Wizards. It is not safe to be in my presence.”

“Ha!” The half-elf smiled through her tears. “You’re talking to a Child of Bhaal. Since when was my company ever safe for you?”

For a second or two Edwin looked completely flabbergasted. Then he smiled faintly. “Ah…would you know I never really thought of it that way?” Then his face suddenly set with anger, deep and murderous rage. “What was that you said just now? Abducted? Tortured? Who has dared…” He was holding her hands now, squeezing them so tightly it hurt a little.

Zaerini shook her head, reaching up to touch the wizard’s lips with her fingertips. “Sssh…not now. I’ll tell you all about it later.” Her skin felt as if it were suddenly on fire. “Um…Edwin? Have you got something in your eyes?”

“Smoke,” the Red Wizard said in a firm voice, blinking a little as he held onto her other hand. “It…it is still rather smoky in here, don’t you think?”

“Yeah…smoky.” And as they say…where there is smoke…there is fire. Yes…fire… There’s still unfinished business, but it’ll work out somehow. I know it will. “Want to go downstairs and be properly introduced to the others?”

“In a moment,” Edwin said. He kept watching her face intently, studying it as if he had never seen it before. “I just need to be absolutely certain that you are no hallucination and will not suddenly turn into a half-orc with tusks as long as my fingers and the temper of a constipated dragon.”

Zaerini laughed, a free, happy laughter. “Oh, Eddie…” she said. “I’ve missed you too.”