Cards Reshuffled

In sorting out your problems, it can sometimes be a great aid to talk things over with yourself, thinking out loud. That will frequently make things much clearer, and help you understand yourself better. Yet for some things, that simply will not be enough, no matter how skilled you are at this particular game.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

It was getting worse and worse. Edwina angrily got out of bed, brushing the tangled dark mess that was her hair out of her face. Yet another curse of this laughable body. She had tried to be strong, to not let the Nether Curse get to her, to pretend that everything was just fine. But it was all a lie, and she didn’t think she would be able to pretend much longer. Coming back to Keep De’Arnise had made it even harder to ignore her wretched condition. This was where it happened. This was where I was foolish enough to cast that miserable spell. Yet another mistake to add to my list of hideous blunders. Unbidden, her eyes drifted towards her pack, then away, as if she had been burnt. The Nether Scroll…she still carried it with her, in the hopes of eventually finding out exactly what she had done wrong…and to find a cure for it. Yet she had tried and tried, and so far it had all been to no avail.

The wizard shivered a little, pulling the duvet out of her bed and wrapping it about her shoulders as she padded over to her pack. Insufferable was sleeping in a small box on the bedside table, rolled into a small towel, now and then sniffling a little. The days might be warm, but the walls of Keep De’Arnise were cold, cold as death. I must try again…I must try. She was extremely tired, she had been up late studying her spells and her eyes felt full of grit, but she couldn’t sleep anyway. Perhaps another attempt at the Scroll would be successful. Perhaps.

Bitterly she recalled how different it had been as she first found the Nether Scroll, the exaltation with which she pounced upon it every night. Now she could barely bring herself to touch it. But I have to. I have to. She bent down over her pack and stuck her hand inside, rummaging about until her questing fingers found the paper she sought, and then drew it out without looking at it. An Odesseiron doesn’t give up in the face of adversity…I can cope with this. Can’t I? Her fingers cramped spasmodically around the scroll, wrinkling it a little.

Rubbing wearily at her eyes, Edwina sat down at the table, casting a small cantrip to light the candle standing there. Then she unrolled the scroll and looked at it. And then she simply sat there, motionless, as her vision slowly blurred.

The paper she had pulled out wasn’t the Nether Scroll at all. Rather it was an entirely different form of magic – and it pierced her to the core. What she was holding in her hands was a portrait. It was quite good; not the work of a professional artist, but that of a gifted amateur whose technical skills didn’t quite match the depth of feeling that had been invested in it. It was a slightly rough charcoal drawing, a little smudged in a couple of places, but the model was clearly recognizable. Her teacher’s sharp-featured face looked back at her, dark eyes glittering with fond amusement, and a slightly lop-sided half-smile played around his lips. That was as much as she saw before she had to wipe her eyes on the sleeve of her robe, so she wouldn’t risk staining the portrait.

Edwina felt her fingers trembling convulsively, and she had to put the portrait down on the table so there would be no danger of accidentally tearing it. Then, she gently smoothed it, trying to remove what wrinkles there were. I remember him posing for that…it took days. I thought he’d get impatient with me eventually…but he never did. He never did. She swallowed heavily, choking back the sob that wanted to emerge. “Why did it have to be like this?” she whispered, to the portrait as much as to herself. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be a simple mission, so that I could make you…make everybody proud. And then we were supposed to come home triumphant. But it isn’t going to be like that, and it is all my fault. I didn’t mean to…but I couldn’t help it. I love her…I couldn’t hurt her. But I never wanted to hurt you either.” She took a long, shivering breath, and tried to rake her tangled hair out of her face. “I really love her, you know. I never thought I’d feel like that, but…isn’t love supposed to make you happy? Isn’t that what they all say? Have you ever felt that way about anybody? You never said…but you wouldn’t, of course. It’s not as if it’s any of my business.”

She looked at the portrait, imagining she could see a questioning look in its eyes. “Yes…I love her. I would kill for her. I would die for her. She is everything, and without her there is nothing. I know it sounds insane…but that is how it is. When she smiles…it feels the same as when I cast a spell just right, and the magic fills me entirely, as if the world is at my feet and I can do anything.”

Well, that is certainly nice…but don’t you think you ought to be telling her that, rather than me? Unless you were expecting me to play matchmaker and deliver flowers to her by climbing in her window, something that I frankly doubt would be a good idea.

Edwina smiled faintly, almost managing to hear her teacher’s voice, down to the last sarcastic nuance, as she supplied his part of the conversation inside her own head. “I want to tell her,” she whispered to the portrait. “I really do. But…I can’t make myself do it. Not when I’m like this. Look at me! I’m a pitiful mess! And she deserves better than that, she deserves me to be strong for her, not to be a burden. She deserves perfection…”

Ah, yes. Perfection. An elusive target, that. And I’m afraid you share my own regrettable tendency to chase it, even when it is an impossible goal. She doesn’t want perfection. She wants you. And you shouldn’t need me to tell you that, it’s in every look she gives you.

“But look at me!”

You are still you, despite the tremendous fool you’ve made of yourself. Do you honestly think she would care less for you because of this sad mishap? She would not, anymore than I would.

Edwina thought about this for a few moments, nervously fingering the ruby amulet hanging about her throat. As always, a faint warmth spread to her fingers, soothing like a warm embrace. It made her feel safe…secure. “Perhaps…but I don’t want her to feel sorry for me!”

Oh? You want her to laugh at you then, like the others do? Not the most commonly requested attitude in a potential lover.

“You know what I mean. I want her to love me as I love her, to think me wonderful in every way. I don’t want her to stay with me out of pity!”

Edwina almost thought she could hear the dismissive snort that followed. Pity? You clearly don’t have any understanding at all about what is going on here, my dear girl. She feels sorry for you, but do you truly believe she would ever give herself to you out of pity? If so, you severely underestimate her.

“What about him though? What about that accursed Helmite?”

What about him? He’s a bit annoying, but it’s not as if he can cause any serious harm.

“How can you say that? He’s always sniffing around her…making eyes at her…primping his stupid beard, which isn’t half as elegant and stylish as mine…” Edwina’s voice trailed off a little as she remembered her currently smooth chin. “As mine used to be.” Her mouth set in a stubborn line and she crossed her arms across her chest. “Anyway, he’s always trailing after her, like a dog tracking a deer.”

Deer? I’ve met the girl, remember? There’s nothing deer-like about her, or you’d never have started to care for her in the first place. She can take care of herself.

“Well, yes. Maybe. But he keeps swaggering about, boasting and bragging and making himself look completely ridiculous with his exaggerated claims!”

Completely unlike you, in other words.

“Yes, exactly! But I won’t let him lay claim to her in any way, shape or form.” Edwina felt herself snarling, and the hot rage was rising in her blood at the very thought of Anomen. “He may have the manhood I currently lack – but if he thinks he’ll steal her from me, then he’s mistaken. I will never let him do that, and if he pushes too hard…I’ll kill him.” She meant it, she knew that for certain. She’d thought about it before, but now she knew it was the truth. She would, and she’d be happy about it. For a few seconds she thought she could almost see the blood, and she smiled, a smile that would have impressed her as appropriately cold and frightening, had she been able to see it.

Oh, brilliant. That will really make her happy, won’t it?

“What?”

Sometimes you really remind me of your mother, you know.

“Is that good?”

Sometimes. But right now it’s making you insanely angry for no real reason at all.

“But…”

Will you just keep your mouth shut for two seconds and pay attention to what I’m saying? The girl is not in love with the priest, but I doubt you’ll get that through your stubborn head until you hear it from her own lips.

“But…”

By now Edwina thought the portrait was looking rather exasperated with her. So talk to her, and the sooner the better. Tell her all the things you’re holding back. I really don’t want to see you this miserable, you know.

Edwina closed her eyes again for a moment, blinking away the tears that suddenly threatened to overtake her. “About that other thing…what I did…I’m sorry. I did what I had to, but I never wanted to cause you pain. Can you ever forgive me?”

For a few seconds there was silence, and she felt a surge of fear that the voice of her tutor had left her for good. Then it spoke again, gentler than before.

Edwin…I could forgive you just about anything, but you need to ask me that in person. After all, this isn’t really me. This is you, using me to tell yourself what you need to hear. And this is one question that I don’t think you dare answer yourself. You won’t be happy until we talk about it.

“But you aren’t here…” Edwina quietly said, her heart filling with despair once more. “And I don’t know when I will ever see you again, and that is all my fault.”

Come now… the familiar voice spoke, soothing her as it had always done, as far back as she could remember, it’s very tone promising that everything would be all right, somehow. I would never abandon you, you should know that. No matter how long it takes me, I will always come for you, wherever you go. Believe in that, if you can believe in nothing else. I will come.

As the voice slowly faded from her desperately reaching mind, Edwina sat staring at the candle, her eyes unblinking. The flame flickered, faltered, and eventually died, leaving her in darkness, and in solitude.

There was a tiny yawn, and the wizard felt a small and furry body nudging her palm. Absentmindedly she stroked the fluffy animal, tickling its belly.

Boss? Insufferable asked, sounding worried. How are ya doing? I woke up, and noticed you were feeling really sad, and then I heard you talking to somebody? Was somebody here?

“No…” Edwina said, her voice smaller and more lost than the monkey had ever heard it before. She carefully, very carefully, rolled up the paper that was lying on the table, and then gently tucked it into her scroll case, like a child putting her cherished doll to bed. “No. There was nobody here. I was only…talking to myself.”