Cards Reshuffled

Insanity is sometimes easily defined, but sometimes it can be tricky. There can be a fine line between insanity and sanity, one that is all too easy to cross given enough stress.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

There was a heavy mist in the air as the party arrived at Keep De’Arnise, and the castle itself reared out of the thick fog like a jagged black rock shooting out of a roiling sea. The mist muffled all sounds, including the adventurers’ voices, giving their approach an oddly dreamlike feeling. The drawbridge was down, but there seemed to be no guards in sight.

“That is odd,” Jaheira said, frowning. “The girl seemed worried about a hostile move by these ‘Roenals’…so why would she leave the castle unguarded?”

“Perhaps our nally Nalia has something better in store,” Jan suggested. “There are many ways to guard a place, you know.”

“You would know, thief,” Anomen said with some distaste.

“I sure do, Ano! But since I sense you are sadly undereducated about this, I’m going to tell you a story about it.”

Anomen groaned, clasping his hands across his ears.

“No, no, you don’t need to be shy, Ano! I don’t mind telling you at all. Anyway, this is a story about my second cousin twice removed, Jim Jansen. Charming fellow, I used to practice all my stories on him, though his hair went white early. Can’t think why. Anyway, he was a thief, and a very good one too. Used to take on all the really impossible missions, he did, he worked for this secret thieves guild where every thief had one really special skill, and let me tell you, when it came to masquerading as a turnip, nobody could beat him.”

Anomen’s eyes had turned really desperate by now. “I could have joined a monastic order…” he muttered, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. “Peace…quiet…raking the garden paths…”

“It isn’t too late yet,” Edwina interjected in her sweetest voice. “Try becoming a eunuch for good measure, it is said to be very calming. I will be happy to help arrange it.”

“Anyway,” Jan continued in a slightly raised voice, “the thieves of the guild, which was called A.U.N.T. for Advanced Unseen Nosy Thieves, used to get their new missions through the mail. Dangerous stuff, the mail service. Only really ruthless people work there, you know. Why, I could tell you…”

“THE THIEF!” Anomen almost screamed. “What happened to the THIEF?”

“Why Ano, I’m happy to see you so captivated! But don’t you worry…I’m not one to lose track of my stories. As I said, they would get their orders through the mail, and then after they’d read them, they would self-destruct. My poor relative had just returned from a tricky job involving stealing the cloak of the Shadow Master and then impersonating his mistress, who looked like a very charming turnip, at a society ball, while one of his associates dangled upside down from a rope opening a secret safe, one fought some random thugs, and another one flirted with the Prelate of the Order. So, my relative got his next mission, opened the envelope, and…KABOOM!”

The gnome screamed out the word, after a long and dramatic pause, while also clapping his hands together, making everybody except Minsc jump.

“Kaboom?” Zaerini asked.

“Yes…I’m afraid the Shadow Master trapped the mission envelope. It didn’t self-destruct five seconds after being read, it self-destructed as it was opened. Destroyed my poor relative too. But it goes to show that the best trap is the one you never think to check for, and that we should be very careful around here.”

Rini thought about this for a few seconds. “Right…” she eventually said. “Thanks for summing it up so well, Jan.”

“Always happy to help, your Worship, always happy to help!”

It was at this point that the drawbridge rose of its own accord, slamming itself shut behind them, and then creaked loudly in a way that was disturbingly reminiscent of laughter. Even worse, Rini could swear that there were eyes looking back at her from the wood.

“I think,” Edwina said, “that caution is perhaps just a little bit on the late side.”

There was a certain nervous tension in the air as the adventurers approached the front door of Keep De’Arnise. It wasn’t improved by the sight of the new doorknocker, which looked like a demonic face, and rolled its eyes at them. “Right…” Rini said. “Who wants the honor of knocking?”

“Minsc will knock!” Minsc said, his pleased smile a strange contrast to all the tense faces around him. “But Boo says to use special way, or door might bite.”

“Special way? What special…”

CRASH!

Minsc’s armored boot slammed heavily into the door, cracking it slightly. “See? Special way of knocking, that won’t let nasty door bite!” The doorknocker looked quite frightened by now.

“Well,” Edwina said with a straight face. “If they don’t hear that, they have to be sleeping like the dead.” Then she made a face. “Actually, knowing Xzar, they just might be. (That wizard is completely insane. Totally, droolingly, rabidly insane.)”

As if in response to her comment, shuffling and heavy footsteps could be heard from inside, coming steadily closer and closer. Finally, with a tortured groan, the door swung open, revealing a very strange sight indeed. Abduh was standing there, his normal large and rotting self, spreading a stench that made everybody take a few steps backwards. That wasn’t the strange thing. The strange thing was that he was wearing a neat butler’s uniform, complete with starched shirt and dignified vest, and he was carrying a small towel across one gray-skinned arm. “Urrrrrghhh?” he queried.

“A-Abduh?!” Rini said. “What are you…why are you…no, never mind. I’m not sure I want to know. Er…is Nalia at home?”

“Urrrrgh!” Abduh said, nodding. Then he made an inviting gesture towards the dark door opening. “Urrrgh, urrrrrgh, urrrrrgh.” He then stepped inside, clearly expecting them to follow.

“Did he just say ‘Follow me?’” Zaerini asked of nobody in particular.

“Yes,” Edwina agreed. “I’m sure of it. (And the fact that I seem to understand him better and better seriously worries me.)”

The interior of Keep De’Arnise was a little…different than Zaerini remembered it. The ancient furniture was still there, and the wall hangings with their faded battle scenes. But…the shadows seemed longer somehow, and now and then she thought she could hear odd little scuttling noises in the darkness. At one point something giggled from the shadows. She couldn’t see what it was, and she didn’t really want to see it either. Even the smell of Abduh was comfortable by comparison.

“Urrrrgh,” the zombie eventually said, pulling open a door. By now, Rini wasn’t sure exactly what part of the Keep they were in, she had thoroughly lost her way.

“Enter!” Nalia’s voice rang out from inside, and the half-elf gratefully stepped across the threshold. Then she stopped suddenly, staring in surprise. The room she found herself in was a small sitting room, which wasn’t so odd in itself. There were some nice and comfortable chairs and a couch, a few small tables and bookshelves, and two skeletons. Of course, the skeletons weren’t exactly part of the furniture. Rather, they were moving the furniture, or to be more precise, a large and heavy-looking coat of arms. The background was a deep crimson, there was a prone shape lying on the ground, and the figure of a snarling fox standing above it. A motto was inscribed along the edge, partially obscured by the bony fingers of the two skeletons as they moved the coat of arms here and there along the wall.

“’Ingurgito Corpus Inimicus’…” Edwina said. “Let me see…’To feast upon the flesh of our foes’, correct?”

“That’s right!” Nalia proudly stated. “I found it down in the cellars…I mean the dungeons…I think it’s high time it was displayed again, so nobody will forget the proud heritage of the De’Arnise family.”

“Child…” Jaheira said, her eyes transfixed on the young noblewoman. “Just what have you done with your hair?”

“Oh, this?” Nalia said, tugging at her hair. “Isn’t it nice?” She smiled a dreamy smile. “Xzar certainly seems to like it…” Nalia was still wearing the black of deep mourning. Very deep, it had to be admitted. A long, midnight black dress, that trailed behind her as she walked. Black gloves. A small black veil on her head. And on that head, the noblewoman’s normally reddish-blonde hair had also been dyed a uniform black. You kept expecting interestingly pale cheeks and a wan smile to go with that hair and that dress, and Nalia’s naturally rosy complexion and amiable demeanor somehow managed to create a very disturbing contrast.

“And…the skeletons?” Anomen just barely managed to get out.

“A skeleton crew, obviously,” Jan said. “Servants demanding too high wages these days, Nalia?”

Nalia frowned a little. “No…” she said. “It’s just that they’ve all quit for some reason. I can’t think why.” Then her face brightened again, as she pointed at the two shuffling skeletons. They looked fairly new, there was still…tissue…hanging off them in places. “But Xzar has been teaching me so much lately, and I really think I can be a great Necromancer! Just look at these things, aren’t they just perfect? They used to belong to a pair of Roenal soldiers who came here looking for trouble, you see. So obedient, so helpful, so…”

“Cheap on the food bills?” Rini asked, unable to help herself. She could still hear that disturbing giggle…but where was it coming from? Her eyes kept drifting towards a large chair standing in front of the fireplace, its back towards here. Was that a pair of shoes she could glimpse beneath it?

Edwina gave the skeletons a measuring look. “For a paltry little apprentice such as yourself, it is an adequately cast spell, I suppose. Though undead servants can be troublesome too. (I still remember when the pet ghoul that Mother had created for garbage disposal got loose…) But the skeletons were always good for fetching and carrying, that is true enough.”

Sometimes I really wonder about what her family is like…I suppose I’m a fine one to talk, but I sort of dread meeting them in person. Especially her mother…

“They do need some supervision still,” Nalia agreed. “Not like Abduh here.” She smiled at the zombie. “Abduh, dear…why don’t you run along and let Xzar know we have guests? I’m sure he’ll be thrilled. And Montaron too, if you can find him.”

“Urrrrrrrrghhh…” the zombie said, lurching out the door and leaving part of his stench behind. Nalia looked fondly after him.

“Dear Abduh…such a treasure he is. I don’t know what we’d do without him.”

“Treasure? TREASURE?” The voice rising from the high-backed chair was very loud, and very screechy, sounding like the call of an angry and elderly bird. “Don’t you go telling them about the treasure, girl! They’ll want to steal it, the low-born little pieces of filth! And it’s ours!” A head suddenly became visible from around the chair, a head dominated by a large mass of filthy white and disheveled hair, and a pair of maliciously glittering eyes. “They steal, they all steal! But I know how to stop them, I’ll just CUT ALL THEIR HEADS OFF! Yes…then they will be good for something. Are tentacles good to eat, pray tell? Or prey tell…” Another hideous giggle.

“Lady Delcia?” Anomen squeaked, staring in horror at the crone-like apparition.

“Yes…” Nalia said. “Auntie was going down in the cellars…dungeons I mean…to see that the cleaning was properly done, and I think she ran across one of Xzar’s experiments.” Her worried look faded rapidly. “Still, she’s far happier and more easy-going these days, I think that meeting new people has been really good for her.”