Cards Reshuffled

Tea…it is almost a magical brew, one that makes people try to behave in a civilized way, despite such minor details as hating each other, being dead or undead, or plotting vast destruction. It could probably make even a Baatezu and a Tanar’ri sit down peacefully and exchange waspish remarks rather than trying to kill each other. The exception to this rule is small monkeys. If you own one, never ever feed it tea after midnight, not unless you want it to pee in your and your lover’s bed before morning. Coffee is also out.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

"Urrrrghhhh?"

Zaerini nodded graciously. "Yes, thank you, Abduh. Those cookies were excellent." She took another one from the silver plate the zombie was holding out towards her, and munched on it. There was chocolate inside…definitely chocolate.

"Urrrrrghhhh!" Abduh exclaimed, beaming at her. Well, at least she thought he was beaming. Considering the state of his face, it was a bit difficult to tell.

"Isn't he a good boy?" Xzar excitedly said. The mad Necromancer was lounging comfortably in a large and virulently purple armchair, which Rini couldn't remember from her previous visit to Keep De'Arnise. His tattooed face split in a large smile. "I've trained him to fetch me my slippers every morning too, you know, and he's very clever about it."

"Oh yes," Nalia agreed, and gave the mage a fond look. She was still wearing her pitch-black attire from the previous day, and from the way Xzar caught his breath whenever he looked at her, Rini could guess why. "Of course, a couple of days ago he got it just a little wrong and fetched Auntie Delcia's slippers instead." She sighed. "I'm afraid she got rather upset."

"I suppose it is a bit annoying when you can't find your things," Rini agreed.

"Oh, no, that wasn’t the problem. She was still wearing them at the time you see."

A loud and piercing cackle issued from the floor, where Lady Delcia was sitting cross-legged, sifting through an old box of spell components. "I'm learning to be a witch, I am!" she proudly proclaimed through her mass of filthy and uncombed hair. "Power should be wielded by those of noble blood…and all lesser blood should be spilt!"

"Auntie!" Nalia gently chided, and then gave Rini an apologetic look. "She's still a little delicate after the Thing in the cellar…I mean dungeon. She doesn't really mean any harm."

Lady Delcia cackled evilly once more, and stuffed a bat wing into her mouth. "Have to taste it," she said. "Otherwise you can't tell if it works."

"Right…" Rini said, trying to edge a little backwards in her chair, away from the madwoman. "If you say so."

"It's true!" Xzar agreed. "But of course I don't have to taste myself, I simply ask the Giant Rat of Sembia to do it for me."

"The giant what?"

"Ssssshhhh!" Xzar said, putting a finger across his mouth. "The world is not yet ready for that tale, my dear Zaerini! If you wish to tell it, you must write it down and hide it in a metal box for at least fifty years first." He giggled. "And remember to properly describe my triumph over the Queen of the Couch Potatoes, just as it happened. She thought she killed me by pushing me into the tentacled arms of the Great Star-Frog, but I lived!"

"I'll try to keep that in mind," the half-elf said, trying to fight the odd sensation that her brain was slowly beginning to melt.

The rest of her party was hopefully packing and getting ready for the journey to Trademeet, except for Jaheira who was sitting stiffly on the edge of her chair, sipping a cup of tea and saying little. The druid hadn't been particularly keen about eating cookies baked and served by a zombie, but she had agreed with Rini that it was the polite thing to do. Anomen had claimed that he needed to thoroughly pray to Helm before departing, and that his God wanted him to fast for a few hours, Minsc said that Boo had a tummy ache because somebody had been feeding him too much, and that the 'naughty gnome' would be made to say sorry, and Jan had made himself scarce. As for Edwina, Zaerini hadn't seen her yet this morning, and it was beginning to worry her. The wizard had seemed to be holding up well most of the time, but now and then it was painfully obvious that she was anything but fine.

If only she'd talk to me about it. How am I supposed to help her if she won't even admit that anything's wrong? She had tried, more than once. Edwina kept stubbornly insisting that she was well though, or as well as she could be under the circumstances, and she had even got snappy about being questioned. But I have to do something. If only I knew what. I don't think she'll be able to dispel this Nether thing on her own, no matter what she says, and so far none of the temples have been able to help. Perhaps we could check out that 'Kangaxx' person once we get back from Trademeet. Nevaziah did hint that he might help…not that we have any reason to trust the lich, but at least it's something. If this lasts for much longer I don't know what will happen…suppose she hurts somebody? Or even worse, suppose…suppose she hurts herself? The thought was unbearable. Kangaxx it is. I don't care if it's a trap, not if there's a chance it could help her. We'll just have to be very, very careful.

"So," Jaheira was saying, "how are the affairs of the Keep coming along? And what about that suitor of yours, child? That 'Isaea' person you mentioned before?"

"Well, the repairs to the Keep are progressing nicely, as you can see," Nalia eagerly said, her cheeks a little flushed. "I have so many great plans, and so does Xzar…he really is clever when it comes to these things." She frowned a little. "It's funny though…the peasants always used to come up here to ask for advice about things when Father was alive, but they don't seem to come as often these days. I can't think why."

Jaheira looked across the noblewoman's shoulder at Abduh, who had temporarily abandoned his butler role and was lying on his back on the floor, while Xzar rubbed his belly and called him 'the best little zombie in the whole wide world'. Abduh was rolling his eyes, or rather his eye, with excitement, and his tongue was hanging out through the hole in his cheek. "A real mystery," she said, not batting an eyelid.

"Yes…a shame though. I really want to help them, and now that I'm learning Necromancy I'll soon be able to fix things much better than before. Anyway, what else…Father's funeral was held recently, we only got home a day before you got here, in fact."

"Oh," Rini said. "I'm sorry…"

Nalia bit her lip a little. "It's all right," she said. "I still miss him tremendously…but he would have wanted me to be strong, for the sake of the family. And it was a beautiful funeral, many of his friends showed up." Then she made a face. "Unfortunately, so did Isaea."

Xzar instantly got to his feet, and Abduh gave a surprised 'Urrrrghhh?' at his master's sudden distress. "That rotting spawn of the Great Feeder!" he spat, making Lady Delcia mutter something about how 'Farthington Roenal always did enjoy his food.' Xzar's face was twisted up with terrible anger, and the tattoos made him look uncomfortably like some sort of minor demon, as he positioned himself behind Nalia's chair, his hands resting on her shoulders. "He is in the service of the Rabbits, I know it, yes I do! He has the same shifty eyes and twitchy little nose, but we will make Rabbit Stew and serve him with tasty taters, oh yes!"

"He tried to threaten me," Nalia explained, patting Xzar's hand in order to calm him down. "He seems to think he can somehow force me to go through with the marriage, so that he can take control of both me and my holdings." Her mouth set in a stubborn line. "But I won't allow it. If he comes here looking for trouble, he will be made to regret it, and I will teach him that I follow the De'Arnise family motto to the letter. The Rabbits…I mean Roenalls…will not take this Keep."

"Good for you!" Rini said approvingly. "What a slimy little bastard he seems to be…is there anything we can do to help?"

"I don't think so. It's not as if we can do anything unless he tries to make a move, and you can't wait around here for that to happen." Nalia smiled again, her eyes glittering as she looked at Xzar. "Besides…I am not alone."

"Of course not, my tasty little treacle pudding!" Xzar agreed. "I will defend you against all Bunny Boys, and so will Monty and Abduh."

"Urrrrghh!" Abduh enthusiastically agreed, nodding until his nose dropped onto the cookie plate.

"Speaking of which," Zaerini asked, "where is Montaron? I haven't seen him since we got here."

"Oh, he's working on the Keep defences," Nalia said. "He found some of the old things grandfather set up, he seemed very enthusiastic. Especially about the catapults. Why, only yesterday he managed to come up with a very clever way of firing these flaming missiles that don't go out for hours." Then she suddenly seemed to think of something. "But I am forgetting my manners! Abduh, what did we tell you before?"

"Urrrrghhh," Abduh bashfully said, holding the cookie plate out. Rini stared at the grey and rotting nose that lay in the center of it like some sort of horrible decoration. "Urrrrgh urrrrghhh?"

"No thank you," she managed to say. "I'm actually quite full already…"

Aerie was also having tea, and enjoying herself thoroughly. The Jysstev Mansion was a fairly nice place, decorated in the typical Athkatlan style with a pleasant little atrium containing a marble pool with a rather tacky fountain portraying a chubby child with wings on. Completely ridiculous. That thing is far too fat to ever get airborne, much less gain any decent height.

“Oh…” she said, smiling sweetly at Lady Jysstev, a nervous young woman with mousy brown hair and a look of well-meaning inefficiency about her. “What a charming home you have…Athkatlan ways are such a treat.” Gaudy and indescribably vulgar compared to the art of the Avariel of course, much as I despise my former people.

“How kind!” Lady Jysstev said, smiling and blushing a little. “And I must say, I am so happy that Lord Logum introduced you to me! I am only recently married, as I told you before, and since I hail from Trademeet I have not yet made many acquaintances in Athkatla. It is so nice to meet somebody new!”

“Oh yes,” Aerie said, delicately sipping some tea from an exquisite cup of bone china, decorated with little silver flowers. The tea tasted faintly of jasmine, she thought. “Lord Logum is such a gracious man!” And a conceited moron, if a useful one. “But surely a charming lady such as yourself must have made some friends already?” Since you are naïve enough that just about anybody could pluck you clean, my little chicken. And wasn’t it nice of him to take my suggestion about meeting you…

“Well…” Lady Jysstev said, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper and looking nervously about her. “Actually…there is somebody…somebody very special.”

“But…” Aerie said, managing a slightly shocked look. “Your husband…” Ha! I know exactly to what you refer, my dear, but it wouldn’t do to let you know that I spotted him in the Promenade weeks ago. A very clever illusion it was, but my Mistress Loviatar guided me to the truth.

“Oh no!” the young noblewoman exclaimed, blushing even more than before. “Nothing like that, not at all! My husband takes such good care of me, I would never…but I’d rather he not find out about this, he might not approve.”

Aerie smiled, her eyes widening into a look of pure innocence. “Of course not! I…I would never betray your trust, my lady! Ever! You can tell me anything.”

Lady Jysstev looked indecisive for a few moments, but then she giggled. “Oh, very well! He did say that I could tell anybody whom I trusted, and I can’t think of anybody more trustworthy than you, my dear! There is this very special person, he has marvelous powers, and he says he will teach those of us who are worthy to become his acolytes! And he is called…the Hidden!”

“Oh my…” Aerie said, twining a golden lock around her finger as she gazed admiringly at the babbling noblewoman. “How very exciting…please, do tell me everything you know…” An illithid creating a cult amongst the foolish humans of this city…how very amusing. It matters not what its purposes are. Give me but a chance, and they will soon be mine, and then it will be high time to seek my vengeance. And to serve my Mistress of course. Always and forever that, and there will be glorious pain awaiting those who would stand against me.

Nevaziah the Lich was not having tea. That is because when you are essentially a mummified corpse, drinking hot liquids is generally not a good idea. He was, however, holding a cup containing embalming fluid that sort of resembled tea, because when you’re in a meeting with somebody you loathe it always helps to have something to do with your hands. His other hand was filled with his Ducky, who looked just as annoyed as Nevaziah felt.

“So, Nev,” Kangaxx the Demilich brayed in that annoying, cocky voice of his, that always seemed to be dripping butter. “Still wearing that silly hat, I see. Any news from the old crypt? Forgotten any spells lately, old buddy?” He laughed uproariously, displaying his gold teeth.

“No,” Nevaziah said, grinding what teeth he had left. “But actually, I have some news. I met these adventurers recently, you see.”

“Adventurers!” Kangaxx scoffed. “Pitiful little pests, the lot o’ them! Always running about dragging mud into your clean tomb, trying to rob you. I always make short work of that lot.”

“Yes,” Nevaziah agreed. “But I thought you might be interested in them…you’re still looking for some saps…I mean mercenaries to go find those bones of yours, yes?” Please let him fall for it, pleasepleaseplease…

“True,” Kangaxx agreed. “Not that I can’t do without ‘em…but I do miss the old things on chilly nights. And they’re gold of course. Some of us have class you know, not like you, you poor old thing. Ha Ha HA!”

I’ll have Ducky eat your soul, see if I won’t, you miserable deadhead. “Ah ha ha ha…your sense of humor always cracks me up, Kangaxx,” Nevaziah managed to say. “Anyway, I think you want to give them a chance. You can always kill them afterwards.” Either way, I win, whether it’s the pesky thieves or the bragging Demilich who gets wiped out. I’m so clever, only Ducky could possibly think of a better plan! And my hat is not silly.