In The Cards

While I'm generally not that comfortable around gods, I have to admit that they grant their devotees some very useful gifts. Both powerful healing and other useful spells. Take Zone of Sweet Air, extremely handy if you've let the wrong party member do the cooking. And then there's another talent that never should be forgotten...

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

The bandit camp was much larger than Zaerini would have guessed. It was a veritable maze of tents of differing sizes, more or less divided into two groups. The hobgoblins belonging to the bandit group known as 'the Chill' had settled into one half of the camp, the human Black Talons into the other. From what she had been able to gather there was no love lost between the two groups, and only Tazok's iron will and harsh discipline had kept them from each other's throats so far. Tazok's, and possibly Sarevok's. She felt her stomach churn at the thought of possibly encountering her brother here. She didn't feel ready for that yet, much as she wanted to get it over with. She wondered if she'd ever be ready. And all this standing around waiting wasn't doing wonders for her temper either.

Tazok's command tent had been easy enough to find, seeing that it was much larger than any of the others. It was set upon a sort of wooden platform, and several barrels and chests were stacked outside. Loot, most probably, but not valuable enough to be brought inside. About a dozen bandits patrolled outside, keeping a close eye on it. There was one more thing that set this tent apart from the others, one that Rini really wished that Adahn had mentioned. Several skeletons had been fastened to the walls of the tent, human and hobgoblin both, facing outwards so that they greeted anybody who approached with the stare of their empty skulls. A particularly ugly skeleton that looked like it had once belonged to a half-orc hung above the door, snarling with its great tusks at anybody wanting to step through the door.

Well, the half-elf thought, I suppose tastes differ. I wouldn't want them in my house though, if I had one. But I guess Tazok figures it keeps his subordinates on their toes. I hope it was Tazok and not Sarevok. I don't think I'd want to be related to anybody who pins skeletons up above their front door.

It is very strange, Softpaws said, watching the skeletons. Why keep the prey around if you don't want to eat it?

Jaheira were watching the skeletons with disgust. "That is filthy," she declared. "An affront against all decency."

"Keep your voice down," Rini hissed. "Or did you want to alert every bandit around here?" She nodded at the bandits in the vicinity. None were close enough to hear, she thought, but she didn't want to take any risks. After all, the bandits had the advantage of much greater numbers. Besides, she was still angry with Jaheira over that incident with the scalps earlier.

Jaheira glared back at the bard, but apparently she was able to see the sense in the argument put forth. "Very well," she muttered. "But we should move soon. We are wasting our time."

"Why in such a rush, elg'caress?" Viconia asked with a wicked smirk. "Afraid our leader will string you up among those other worthless carcasses if you keep challenging her? No, perhaps not. With the size of those hips you wouldn't be nearly ornamental enough. Perhaps you would do for the slave quarters though."

"You…you…you evil piece of…are you calling me FAT?"

"Also annoyingly loud," Viconia added, carefully studying her well-groomed nails with a small and satisfied smile on her face. "If you're half darthiir I can't help wondering what the other half was. Otyugh, perhaps. They make this really annoying trumpeting grunt when they're annoyed, just the same as you. On the other hand, they're generally better looking."

Jaheria's eyes were almost bulging out of her skull by now and her face was dark red. Her mouth moved soundlessly as she tried to speak.

"Now…n-now see here!" Khalid protested. "That was e-entirely uncalled for!"

"Actually," Zaerini said, "it wasn't. Jaheira, we will speak later about this tendency of yours to try to beat me into submission. Viconia, I thank you for your efforts on my behalf. This will be enough for the moment though. We are all in this together, I don't want us to come to blows."

Viconia bowed her head slightly. "As you wish, abbil," she said. "I owe you my life, and so I will do as you ask and not peel the hide off her body in bloody stripes, entertaining as it would be."

Jaheira was still too angry to speak, but she nodded briefly.

"I do agree that I would like to move in soon," Rini added. "But with all these bandits around the tent we really can't risk it, not before our two rogues finish whatever they're doing." She paused. "I sure would like to know what they're up to, though. Oh well. I guess we'll find out soon enough."

At precisely that moment a hideous roar sounded from some distance away, a cry of many voices, growling and barking, baying for blood like a large pack of angry dogs. It was met and answered by other cries, cries of surprise and fear, of anger, and finally of pain. The voices of Black Talons and Chill alike mixed in with the terrible barks, and the night rang with the sound of metal against metal and with the screams of the dying.

Bandits everywhere were startled out of their regular activities, drawn towards the commotion. Not all of them got there though. Zaerini stared wide-eyed as more than one man suddenly groaned and paled as pain twisted his bowels into a tight knot. Panicky bandits were running around like decapitated hens, hands pressed either to their bellies or to their behinds, frantic to reach the latrines in time. Not all of them made it, and some of them didn't even bother to try, choosing instead to do what they had to do wherever they currently were. Now the night was also filled with an entirely different kind of pained groans, as well as with a hideous stench. The group of bandits guarding the command tent had dwindled away into nothing.

"Well," Rini said, trying her best to sound unruffled, "I guess that would be our signal. These fellows certainly won't be fighting anybody for the next few hours. Let's go."

Ugh, Softpaws said. That is so disgusting. Pick me up, I don't want to step in anything. Why can't you humans dig a hole like civilized animals?

Let's not discuss the respective elimination habits of our different species, shall we? Besides, these particular humans are hardly very civilized.

Excuses, excuses.

"Yes," Edwin agreed. "We should go at once, I wouldn't be surprised if something else happens as well. (No, not surprised at all.)" The party headed towards the command tent and were almost to the steps when they were intercepted.

"Ho there wanderers!"

For one dreadful, awful second Zaerini thought it was Elminster turned up again. Then she was relieved to see that this particular wizard was wearing green rather than red, and lacked a pointy hat. Thank the gods for small mercies, she thought. "Xzar," she said. "What do you want?"

"What do I want?" The mad mage giggled quietly. "I want…a nice pair of woolen socks…an Iron Maiden…a cute wittle wooden puppet…and ABSOLUTE DOMINION OVER THE WORLD AND ALL THE PITIFUL SOULS THAT CRAWL ON ITS SURFACE! AND MY OWN PUPPY!"

"Urrrgh!" Abduh agreed, giving the bard a hostile look. The zombie was looking a bit worse for wear, his skin was coming off in patches and he was mostly bald. On the other hand there was an attractive patch of green mold growing on his left cheek.

"Shut yer trap!" Montaron growled. The halfling thief glared angrily at Zaerini and her party. Then again, the bard thought, he always looks like that, so it's a bit difficult to tell the difference.

"We want in," Montaron stated, drawing his sword. "You people are on to something here, and you're not goin' in that tent without us. We mean to have our share, whether you like it or not. You'd better do as we say. We've a crazy zombie and we're not afraid to use it."

"I can believe that," Edwin said with a disdainful sneer, "but I can't help wondering exactly what you use him for. I hope it's nothing too unsavory, but I wouldn't bet against it. Neither of you look particularly likely to have much success with the ladies. Perhaps you use him as a…substitute?"

"URRRGH!"

"You'll die for that wizard!"

"What? Monty, what did he mean? Was it something nasty? I don't like nasty, it makes me nervous, and when I get nervous I get upset, and when I get upset I want to hurt something. Nasty boys should be punished. Mommy always said so." Xzar smiled brightly. "Mommy's dead now, but I'll always carry her with me." He paused. "At least part of her. I have this jar, see, and…"

"Urrrgh?"

"No, no, the rest of Mommy stays at home. She doesn't like to go out much, she's very quiet these days. And she doesn't like nasty boys." Xzar gave Zaerini a rather unsettling look. "Or naughty girls. No, Mommy doesn't like those at all. But I do." His leer widened. "You shouldn't have changed your hair. You looked prettier before. Much prettier."

"Leave her hair out of this!" Edwin snarled, his face a mask of cold fury beneath the hood of his new black robe. "It's none of your business."

"Couldn't agree more, Eddie," Rini said as she drew her sword. "Get out of the way, all three of you. I'll only tell you once."

"No way in the Nine Hells," Montaron said and spat on the ground.

"Mommy says no," Xzar giggled.

"Urrrgh!"

"Right," the half-elf said, feeling the quick flames of fury flicker through her soul. "Then we'll just…"

"Hold it, abbil," Viconia said. "Allow me." The drow priestess smiled briefly and made a curious twisting gesture with one slender dark-skinned hand. Her eyes glowed unsettlingly red in the darkness. Abduh stiffened, his eyes even more blank than before. Then he turned around, slowly jerking towards Xzar and Montaron, arms outstretched. "That's a good boy," Viconia purred. "Go get them, your Mistress commands it."

"Urrrgh? URRRGH!"

"Abduh?" Xzar said. "What are you doing?" Then she shrieked like a little girl as the zombie almost smashed his skull in with one swing of his massive arm. "Abduh! Stop it!"

"URRRGH! Urrrgh, urrrgh, urrrgh!"

"This is all your fault," Montaron screamed as he grabbed Xzar by the arm and made a run for it, dragging the protesting wizard after him as Abduh tried to stamp him into the ground like a bug. "You and your stupid zombie, you always land us in this sort of fine mess…"

"But…"

"URRRGH!"

"The rest of you go ahead," Viconia said as she drove the zombie after the pair of fleeing Zhentarim. "I'll just put these two pieces of iblith away somewhere more suitable. Abduh! At them!" She disappeared after the still screaming men, chuckling quietly to herself. "I never imagined life on the surface could be this amusing…"

"Well," Zaerini said as she stepped up to the tent. "Shall we see if Tazok's home away from home is as ugly on the inside as on the outside?" She went inside, her friends close behind, and found herself eye to eye with a group of armed people who didn't look particularly happy to see her.