In The Cards

Prophecies are funny things. They seldom, if ever, mean exactly what you think they do. Sometimes I think they're made that way so the gods can have a good laugh over the poor mortals who try to interpret the prophecies and get themselves killed over a typo or a double meaning.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"I am Shar-Teel," the strange woman said, "and I am a powerful warrior, far more so than any pathetic wimp of a man. Phaugh! Sometimes even the smell of a man makes me sick to my stomach. There's nothing I love better than beating one of those sniveling curs into submission. That, and bloodshed. I really love bloodshed. So, which one of you male worms is going to taste my steel?"

Edwin and Khalid looked at each other. "I'm sorry," Edwin said, "but I'm excused from fighting any woman who froths at the mouth as she speaks. I'm told insanity may be contagious, and I have no wish to contract it. (I'm pretty sure I have a note from my mother somewhere)."

Khalid gave Shar-Teel a doubtful look. "I r-really don't l-l-like this," he said. "Can't we j-just t-t-try to get along?"

"I bet you'd love that," the swordswoman said with a bitter sneer. "Typical male response, they never think with their minds. Forget it! The only thing you'll get is the blade of my sword!"

"Look, lady," Zaerini said. "We really have no wish to fight you, but if you keep up with that attitude there's no telling what might happen." She pointed at Jaheira who was snarling silently and had drawn her scimitar.

"You don't frighten me," Shar-Teel said with a cold sneer. "I have never been defeated yet. There is a charm on my life, a prophecy uttered when I was born. Anything that bleeds, I can kill, so the diviner said. Come at me, all at once or one at a time. You will all die. Or give me the challenger I want, and I shall spare the rest of you."

"Wait!" a gravely voice called out. "Korax will fight pretty lady." The ghoul shuffled forward, flexing his fingers with their sharp nails and baring his yellow teeth in a grin.

"Korax?" Rini asked. "Are you sure about this? She looks pretty dangerous."

"Korax isssss sure. Him fight pretty lady, make her happy."

"WHAT?!" Shar-Teel roared. "You…you expect me to fight that…that thing?!"

Zaerini smiled a slow, lazy smile. She'd suddenly thought of something. "You said you wanted to fight a male," she said. "And Korax is male, at least I have no reason to believe otherwise." She pointed at the rotting loincloth the ghoul wore. "Though I'm sure you could ask him to let you check before the match if you really want to."

"Korax issss male! Want to see?"

"NO!" Shar-Teel hurriedly said. "That won't be necessary. I accept his challenge."

"Excellent," Rini said. "Then, I suppose it's time to share this interesting little tidbit of knowledge with you. Ghouls don't bleed." She felt a heady thrill of exhilaration at the sudden fear in the other woman's eyes as Korax lurched towards her, arms outstretched.

"Ah, what a fine day for a bloodbath," Edwin commented as Shar-Teel drew her sword. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing. The crowd goes wild at this rare opportunity to see the Ravening Psycho Hag face off with our own proud champion, the Mighty Demonic Corpse."

"Korax isssn't corpse! Korax isss ghoul!"

"My apologies," Edwin went on. "The Mighty Demonic Ghoul, I meant to say. (Picky. Never thought the undead would be that sensitive.)" He jumped backwards as Korax' sharp claws raked Shar-Teel across the cheek. "Show some consideration here, would you? I may like red, but that doesn't mean I want my clothes sticky."

Shar-Teel swung her sword, hitting Khorax in the side. A deep gash opened, but the ghoul kept coming, not even seeming to feel any pain. No blood came forth.

"Oooh!" Alora squeaked.

"Poor Korax!" The ghoul grinned and winked at her before managing to get his arms around Shar-Teel's waist, pinning her arms to her sides.

"Ouch," Edwin said. "That has to hurt. Yes, the Mighty Demonic Ghoul is certainly showing his challenger the benefits of undeath this day, including greater strength, stamina and a breath that can stun enemies into insensibility from a great distance." There was a loud retching sound. "As was just proven when the lady (if such she may be called) threw up all over our champion. (I suppose she was right about the smell of a man making her sick.) But that doesn't seem to bother him, he's keeping hold of her and…was that a rib?"

Shar-Teel was on her knees by now, slowly but steadily having the life squeezed out of her by the ghoul's powerful arms, her movements slow and sluggish due to the poison of his claws. "No…," she breathed. "It…can't be…" And then she spoke no more.

"Wheee!" Korax shouted, dancing clumsily around Shar-Teel's lifeless corpse. "She'ssss dead! The pretty lady is dead! Dead, dead, dead!"

"Korax!" Imoen said in a shocked voice. "That's nothing to laugh about!"

"But it issss! Korax hasss been alone for so long, and now he will finally have a good friend, and more, a bride!"

"B-b-bride?!" Khalid stuttered. "But…"

"Oh dear," Jaheira said. "I remember now."

"R-remember what?"

"That if a ghoul doesn't start eating his victims soon after death they will…"

"RARRRRRGGGGH!" Shar-Teel was sitting up on the ground, arms stretched out stiffly in front of her. Her face was still bloated and distorted, her eyes protruding madly from her face. Sometime during the fight she had lost her helmet and her hair was sticking wildly out in all directions.

"EEEEK!" Alora screamed. "She's alive! She's alive!"

"No, she's a ghoul," Edwin explained. "How very fascinating. I should very much like to study this process closer." He took a step towards the undead woman and then hastily retreated as Shar-Teel snapped after him. "On second thought, maybe later. (What have we done? Well, nothing a Fireball or two won't fix.)"

"No!" Korax screamed, throwing himself at Shar-Teel and hugging her tightly despite her furious protests. "Mussstn't hurt the Bride of Korax!"

"I'm not your bride, you disgusting piece of filth!" Shar-Teel raged..

"Awwww!" the ghoul said, looking immensely flattered. "You sssso ssssweet to ssssay sssuch thingsss to Korax. Him will be nice to you too, you'll ssssee. Korax will make nice dinner, plenty of juicy eyeballssssesss and marrow-soup for sssstarterssss, roasssst leg of man to follow, and Garlic and Knuckle Pie for desssert."

"Forget it, creep! I hate garlic!" Shar-Teel jerked unsteadily to her feet and started lurching away from the adventurers.

Korax waved at Zaerini and her companions. "Bye-bye, nice friendssss!" he said cheerfully. "Korax going now, him needssss to go court hissss bride!"

"Ah, Korax," Jaheira said. "I do not think she wants to be your bride."

"She will come around. Korax issss patient, he'll court her nicely, he'll bring her pretty rotting flowersssss and sssshow her how gentle a ghoul can be. Korax issss very patient, and he hasssss all the time in the world. Besidessss, the dating-pool issss pretty shallow when you're undead." The ghoul waved again and then hurriedly shuffled off after his bride-to-be.

"Um, that was very…sweet," Imoen said. "I think."

From some distance into the trees an enraged scream could be heard. "Will you stop following me? And I don't want your ring! And stop smiling at me!"

"Korax can't help it, pretty lady far too preciousssss. Here, Korax write ssssome poetry. 'Eyeballsssss so blue, bloodstainssss sssso red, jussst like me you're utterly dead.'"

"I'm warning you…"

"Hassss Korax told you about how he became a ghoul? Issss very interesssting ssstory."

"AAARRRRGH! Make it stop! Somebody, anybody, please make it stop!" The screams faded away in the distance.

"Yes," Zaerini said. "Very…sweet."

"I almost feel sorry for Shar-Teel, even if she was horrible," Imoen said. "Imagine what it would be like to live in a world where there was only one possible man available for dating?"

Rini shuddered. "What an awful, awful thought," she said. "Korax has his good points, but any girl likes to have a certain freedom of choice. Tastes differ, and all that."

Feeling pretty much tired and beat up the adventurers made their way back towards Gullykin, where they intended to drop Alora off at her mother's house and then spend the night. However, as they approached the halfling village they were intercepted. A group of strangers, all of them heavily armed, approached.

"You know," Alora said, "those people don't look very friendly."

The leader of the strangers was a large warrior in deep black armor. He raised the visor of his helmet to give Zaerini a cold look. "So...," he said. "We finally meet. Poor little Zaerini, I assume you're completely clueless as to why you must die. I'm sure you've already had problems with an assortment of incompetent bounty hunters. Well those days are done, today....you will die."