In The Cards

A good con is like a work of art, or a piece of music. Everything has to be just right. You want the mark to think he's making the deal of a lifetime, perhaps even that he's conning you. And you want him to think everything that happens is his own idea while you're actually pulling the strings yourself.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"Ow!" Zaerini said. "I'm bleeding!" She was sitting on the ground with her legs crossed, and she was giving her finger a nasty look.

"Well, you should be more careful," Jaheira said. "Splinters will do that to you."

The bard sighed. "I'm simply not a wilderness person," she said. "I don't know how you can like it so much. It's just trees, trees, moss, rocks, bushes, mosquitoes and what did I forget? Oh yes. Trees. Booorrrrring!"

"There is more to nature than trees!" Jaheira protested.

"Like what?"

"Well…flowers."

"They're just colorful miniature trees."

"Grass."

"Trees without the proper food."

"Deer."

"Trees on four legs. Come on, their antlers even look like branches. You're making this way too easy."

"Rabbits, then."

"Fluffy trees. Look at those ears and tell me they're not really leaves."

"Oh, I give up," Jaheira said, throwing up her hands in disgust as she stood to leave. "You are absolutely impossible, do you know that?"

"Of course I do," Rini said with an amused grin. "Part of my charm. Where are you going?"

"I and Khalid will go hunting and see what we can scrape together as food for tonight. That is if you children can manage to stay here on your own without tearing the camp apart."

"What will you be hunting?"

"Trees," Jaheira said, and though her face was stony her green eyes were amused. "Now be good. If you get in trouble, just send up a spell in the air or something."

After Khalid and Jaheira had left there were approximately three minutes of silence, apart from the whining of the numerous mosquitoes. Zaerini watched the campsite. Tents. Trees. Gear. Dirt. Grass. Trees. Then she sighed. "I'm bored," she said. "Anybody else?"

Edwin looked up from his spellbook. "Actually, yes," he said. "Very much so."

"Me too," Imoen agreed. She was sitting on a fallen log, carving a wooden sword to amuse herself.

"What is that thing supposed to be anyway?" Edwin asked in a derisive voice.

"I just thought it might come in handy if we ever come across some vampires."

"Vampires!" Edwin sneered. "I'd say the only bloodsuckers we need to worry about out here are these accursed mosquitoes." He waved his hand in front of his face to illustrate his point. "You'd be better off trying to carve us a protective net. (And they all seem to go for me! Does every single mosquito prefer the taste of Thayvian blood?)"

"Hold on," Zaerini said at that moment. "Did either of you hear something just now?" The wizard and the thief both listened intently. All they could hear was the annoying piping of the mosquitoes.

"No," Edwin said. "But then you are the one with the big ears."

"And you are the one with the big mouth. I'm serious, you know." Rini cocked her head to one side, irritably pushing her red hair out of her eyes. "There it is again!" she exclaimed. "Sounds like fighting! Let's go look!" Without waiting for a response she jumped to her feet and ran off towards the sound, Softpaws hot on her heels.

"Did she just say 'sounds like fighting, let's go look'?" Edwin asked in an incredulous voice. "I never knew that divine blood also carried insanity."

"Oh, don't be a stick-in-the-mud," Imoen said as she pulled him to his feet. "At least we won't be bored anymore…"

As the adventurers got further into the forest the sounds grew louder. Eventually even the two humans were able to hear them easily. Steel crashing against steel, loud grunts and squeals as well as angry barking. The hot and sickeningly sweet smell of blood hung heavy in the air. Then there was a voice. A haughty, imperious voice. "All I want is to continue my journey!" it said." More thuds and squeals. "Friends await while I must suffer this tiresome dance!" Loud screams of pain. "Does the mere mention of Drizzt attract your ilk?"

The three adventurers looked at each other. All of them were familiar with the name. "Drizzt!" Zaerini whispered. "This should be interesting!"

As they emerged from the shade of the trees into a sunlit clearing they met with an impressive scene. A male Drow walked there, white hair in stark contrast to his ebony skin. The sunlight glittered off his beautiful chainmail armor as well as off the twin scimitars he wielded with accustomed grace. The lovely weapons twinkled like stars, at least where they were not soiled with blood and innards. For the famous Drow ranger was in the middle of a fight, a pitched battle against a large group of gnolls. From the amount of blood and various bodyparts on the ground it was clear that the fight had been going on for some time already. "You there!" Drizzt called out. "Will you help a stranger in need? I am beset by gnolls!"

"Fear not, we will not stand aside while another is in peril," Zaerini said. The gnolls didn't look all that difficult to her, and she wanted to get on the Drow's good side. The letters from him that Gorion had kept hinted that he was very much like a peacock. Extremely vain and not very bright. Wealthy too, with those lovely scimitars. And Zaerini had always liked the combination of 'rich' and 'stupid'.

"The fight is joined," Drizzt said, "and I welcome your aid. Tiresome beasts these gnolls are, and I'll be glad to be done with them!" He smiled proudly and decapitated yet another gnoll. Then he flashed Zaerini a large and toothy smile and tossed his head to make certain a lock of white hair tumbled charmingly across his smooth forehead. "Of course I've sparred with demons from the Nine Hells themselves," he boasted. "I shall barely break a sweat here today."

If you're so hot, then how come you need our help against a few gnolls? Zaerini thought. And besides, shouldn't that be 'devils from the Nine Hells'?

The unfortunate gnolls didn't last very long, and soon Zaerini and her friends stood face to face with Drizzt on a field of blood and gore. "Well met, stranger," Drizzt said. He was still smiling, and he actually managed to make the sun glint off his perfect teeth. "I am, as you must certainly know, Drizzt Do'Urden, Drizzt the Drow. Though some call me Drizzt the Divine." He chuckled. "You may do so if you like, since I appreciate your assistance, but I really haven't the time to write any autographs. It is a long enough trip to the Icewind Dale, even without these constant interruptions."

"Drizzt the Drow," Edwin muttered quietly. "Looks more like Drizzt the Dork to me. (Possibly Drizzt the Dumb, or Drizzt the Doofus.)"

Zaerini subtly nudged the Red Wizard in the side. "Humor me," she hissed out of the corner of her mouth. "Whatever I say, just nod and smile, OK?" Then she smiled at Drizzt, the impressed and adoring smile of a naive young girl. "Drizzt the Drow!" she gushed. "Oh wow! It's like, great to meet you! Like, you're our big Hero, you know! Right, sis?" She winked at Imoen and the thief quickly understood, being used to participating in her friend's scams.

"Right!" Imoen said. "We totally worship ya, Drizzt. You're our Hero! And so hunky!"

Drizzt preened. There could be no other word for it. He puffed his chest out and stood with his legs heroically wide apart, thumbs in his belt and forefingers pointing in a not-so-subtle gesture towards his manfully displayed pelvis.

"Oooh!" Zaerini said and put a finger in her mouth to create the impression of an admiring girl ready to faint. She fluttered her eyelashes at the Drow. "That is, like, such a totally Heroic posture, you know. It, like, really speaks to me!"

"Yes," Edwin muttered as he made a sour grimace. "And it says 'Please plant your foot right here for the pleasure of hearing me scream like a little girl'."

"But I forget my, like, manners," Rini said and pinched the wizard hard to make him shut up. "I'm, like, Bimby. This is my sister Pinky." She then pointed at Edwin. "And that is, like, our brother Bob. He's, like, such a total dweeb you know. Never knows when to keep his, you know, mouth shut." Zaerini concentrated hard to try to make it look like the eager light in her eyes was shining directly through an empty skull. "Pity you, like, have to leave," she said in a regretful voice and pouted prettily. "What with the Rust Monster and all…"

"Rust Monster?" Drizzt asked, looking suddenly very interested.

He's sniffing at the bait, Zaerini thought with some satisfaction. "Ooops!" she said and put her hand over her mouth. "Silly me! I wasn't, like, supposed to say that. Just forget I, like, mentioned it, OK?"

Very clever, kitten, Softpaws approved. That is sure to pique his curiosity.

"Please, dear lady," Drizzt said eagerly, "you can tell me. I am, after all, a great Hero." He made a show of displaying his firm chin. There was also some more winking of sun off teeth, as well as some more thrusting out of the chest.

"No, no, no," the bard giggled coyly. "I really mustn't. See, I promised our friend, who's, like, the local ranger, not to let anybody other than the, you know, greatest Hero in the world fight the Rust Monster. Anybody else would, like, die." She made a disgusted face.

"Fear not!" Drizzt cried out and thrust his chest so far forward that he almost fell on his back. "For you have found him! I implore you, fair lady, speak and fear no more. Drizzt the Divine is at your service." The smile broadened. "Now…and perhaps afterwards?"

Drizzt the Doofus is in my pocket, more likely. Let's move on then and make him really hang himself. "That is, like, awesome!" the half-elf said and put the palm of her hand against her chest, as if overwhelmed. "You, like, do know what Rust Monsters are like, right?"

Drizzt's smile faltered a little. "Er…yes," he said. "Naturally. Of course I do. But I fight so many terrible beasts, and it has been a while. Perhaps you could tell me what your particular Rust Monster is like?"

"Like, sure! It's been cursed by a wizard, so it's much bigger than normal, as big as a, you know, bear. It's the color of rust and it smells like wet iron, and it has these, like, horrid long fangs and evil red glowing eyes. It sounds like 'Neek, Neek'. Oh, and it can make itself, like, invisible, so you won't see it until you get, like, really close."

"Yes," Imoen added. "And its tongue is all black and as long as your arm."

"But the, like, worst thing," Zaerini said with a small shudder, "is that it makes things, like, rust. Weapons, armor, you name it. It likes precious metals most. Here, I'll show you. Just a minute."

She ran all the way back to camp and dug through her pack until she found as small sword that she'd taken off the body of a gnoll near High Hedge. Somebody had written 'Perdue's Sword' with red crayon on a nametag attached to the hilt. "Sorry Perdue, whoever you are," Rini whispered. Then she poured some of the iron tainting poison she'd found in the Nashkel mines on the sword and watched it rust and crack. She also picked up the wooden sword Imoen had been carving, stuck it inside her belt and then hurriedly returned to Drizzt.

"See," Zaerini said, holding out Perdue's ruined sword. "That is what happens to, like, all the metal that the Rust Monster touches with its antennae, you know. And this is a cursed Rust Monster, so then it kills the people inside the metal." She made a dismayed face. "Oh no!" she cried and willed tears into her eyes. "You can't fight the Rust Monster after all!"

"I, like, can't?" Drizzt said with a puzzled look on his face. "Er…that is…why not?"

"Your swords! Your pretty swords will be, like, ruined. And your pretty armor as well. No, we'd better wait for a Hero strong enough to, like, fight the Rust Monster without stuff like that."

Oh I see, Softpaws remarked. Make him think what happens next is his own idea.

Exactly. Let's see if it works.

A series of conflicting emotions warred their way across the Drow's handsome face. Pride won, with stubbornness a close second. "I am so a strong enough Hero," he said. "I have an idea. Suppose I leave my armor and scimitars right here in your care while I'm gone."

Rini goggled at him. "What a clever, clever, you know, idea," she said. "You are, like, so smart. But I really don't know if we can, like, take the responsibility."

"Of course you can," Drizzt said. "Speak no such nonsense. It is hardly a difficult chore to watch over a pile of metal on the ground. I absolutely insist on it, I will not risk my precious gear against yon beast."

"Oh, all right," Rini said and made her dimples show. "If you, like, insist." Then she pulled out the wooden sword. "You'll need some weapon though," she said. "This is the, like, Enchanted Sword Of Rust Monster Slaying. Or it will be, in a minute. Bob was just about to enchant it. Right, Bob?"

"Right," Edwin said with a small smirk. He took the wooden sword and said a few words over it, after which the weapon glowed bright yellow for a moment. "Of course," Edwin said as he handed the thing to Drizzt, "a wooden weapon is sharp, but impervious to rust."

"I knew that," Drizzt said a little huffily as he started removing his armor and strapping off his scimitars. "I'm not stupid you know."

"Of course you're not," Edwin said in a soothing voice. "Oh, and before I forget. That sword will start glowing again when the Rust Monster is near."

"It's underground lair is about, like, six miles off that way," Rini said and pointed vaguely into the forest. Now to put him on the defensive, she thought. "Hey, wait a minute," she said. "How do I know you won't, like, try to keep our Enchanted Sword?"

"My lady!" Drizzt said in a very insulted voice. "How could you possibly think such a thing? I am, as I said, a Hero, and your weapon shall be returned to you promptly. May the gods strike me dead if I lie!"

"Oh, right," Zaerini said and smiled again. "Sorry. You can't, like, be too careful."

"I quite understand. Villains and scoundrels are numerous in these parts it seems, but I am a gentleman at heart, except when I'm slaughtering the stupid." The Drow then gave the three adventurers a smart salute and marched off into the forest, wooden sword held proudly aloft in front of him. "Fear not!" he cried out. "I shall return presently, and the blood of Drizzt shall not be spilt this day!"

The silence lasted approximately a minute. "Right," Zaerini said in a businesslike voice. "Immy, you can have this sword, I'll take the other one. The armor will fit Khalid, I think. Let's get back to camp and get all our stuff, and then hurry up to find Khalid and Jaheira. We'll tell them that I've foreseen an impending raid by angry Drow in this area. It's even true, in a way. We have to get as far away as possible before that idiot ranger figures out he's been conned. That should take him a few hours. By the way, Eddie, what was that spell you used?"

"That," Edwin said with a wicked smirk, "was a spell to attract mosquitoes. I think some of the blood of Drizzt will get spilt this day after all."