In The Cards

There’s a certain type of man who thinks that ‘female’ is the same as ‘stupid’. The same type of man who thinks that women should be weak, illogical, immature, swooning, tearful and in constant need of supervision by ‘big strong men’. If they weren’t so hateful I’d almost feel sorry for them, since they have no idea what they’re missing.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Are you quite certain this is necessary?” Eldoth Cron complained. “I don’t think I like it.”

Zaerini nodded impatiently. “Of course it’s necessary. Or did you think we could simply waltz into the home of one of the Grand Dukes, past all the guards you tell me patrol the halls, and smuggle Skie out beneath their noses? Nope, we need to be in disguise. And since you must come along to persuade Skie that it’s safe, then you must be in disguise as well. You already agreed that this disguise is the best we could use.” She grinned and raised the razor she was holding. “Now hold still. I wouldn’t want to nick you by mistake.”

Some time later the half-elven bard nodded with satisfaction at her work. Eldoth’s prized beard had been sheared clear off, leaving his face as smooth as a baby’s bottom. “Much better. With a pretty face like that you could almost pass for a girl. We’ll put a wig on your head to increase the effect.”

Eldoth grimaced as he looked at himself in the mirror. “Well, if we’re done, then…”

“Oh no,” Zaerini said, smiling a wicked smile. “You see, if you want to pass for a girl, then we must prepare you in the way that all the really girlish girls do, to compensate for your normally so rampant masculinity you know.” She held up a pair of tweezers. “I never do this myself, but I’m sure you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for Skie – and for her father’s gold.”

Eldoth shied back in his chair. “Wh-what are you going to do?”

“Your eyebrows, Eldoth. Hair…by hair…by hair.” She could barely hold back the impulse to giggle now. “Now brace yourself – this is really going to hurt. And while we’re at it, I’m going to have to do something about those unsightly nose hairs, they’re just not suitable for a young girl…”

In the end Eldoth had to bite a stick in order not to scream the roof down.

The plan was beautiful in all its simplicity, Rini thought. Of course strange adventurers would be challenged if they were to waltz into Duke Entar Silvershield’s palace, but Skie’s many giggly girlfriends came and went daily, and when she had questioned Eldoth about it he said that Skie had once mentioned that the guards found it quite impossible to keep all their faces straight. With the information about the layout of the palace that Eldoth had gained from Skie it should be no problem gaining entrance. And of course, Rini thought, I get the bonus of tormenting Eldoth a little by dressing him up as a girl. Must wreak havoc on his ego.

Imoen would come along as well, to open the lock to Skie’s room if that was necessary. Jaheira had been relieved when Rini told her she didn’t have to come, since she really hated wearing dresses. Yeslick, Khalid and Edwin were out as well of course. Even if they had agreed to wear female fashion it would have been too risky to smuggle in more than one disguised male, and they weren’t really necessary for this part of the plan anyway.

So it was that Eldoth Kron was currently sitting in a chair in Zaerini’s room at the Elfsong tavern, getting his eyebrows trimmed. He was already wearing a pretty purple dress with a generously padded bodice and plenty of frills, and though he didn’t like it one bit he had to admit that it had the desired effect of making him look very feminine.

Once she was done Zaerini took a step backwards to admire her handiwork. Eldoth’s face had been powdered and rouged, his eyes rimmed with kohl to make them look larger, his lips reddened and his eyelashes lengthened. With the dress and the curly brown wig that Imoen had dug up from somewhere, she certainly thought he looked enough like the real thing to pass a cursory examination. Even better, his voice was a light tenor, and as a bard he was skilled enough in manipulating it that he should be able to pull off a few almost natural sounding words if necessary. “There we are!” she said. “A perfect little lady. Pretty as a picture.”

This was literally true, assuming the picture was one of an extremely sulky-looking girl wearing a purple dress, and who kept touching her eyebrows and flinching. Still, at least Eldoth Kron now looked passably female. Rini herself had also swapped clothes, and was wearing her good red dress, the one she had got herself ages ago for the Nashkel victory celebration. She gave herself a satisfied smile in the mirror. That ought to be good enough for any noble. It was a shame she couldn’t bring her sword along, but she had a dagger strapped to her leg just in case.

Imoen fluffed up her pink locks one final time, looking quite excited about the upcoming jaunt. Then she stuffed something that looked like a piece of black cloth into the bright pink bodice of her dress, and wiped surreptitiously at her eyes.

“Immy?” the half-elven bard asked. “What’s that?”

“Um…nothing. Just…a little something for luck, you know?”

“Right…” Zaerini said, fingering the small glass marble she always carried with her. “I know what you mean…” Then she turned to Eldoth again. “All right, Eldoth. The key here is getting into the act. You aren’t female, but fortunately the guards you have to fool aren’t female either, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. If you find yourself in doubt, just think about how you believe a female should act, and try to get into the part. You got that?”

“Of course I get it, wench!” Eldoth snorted. “I am not a fool. Just watch.” He stuck his little finger into his mouth with an affected gesture and fluttered his fake eyelashes. “La! What are so many strong and manly gentlemen doing here? Oh, my weak and girlish little heart goes all fluttery…”

Dear gods, Zaerini thought. Yes, I suppose that would be how he thinks women should act…I just hope I can keep from laughing at a crucial moment.

The palace of Entar Silvershield was one of the most impressive buildings of Baldur’s Gate, a vast estate surrounded by a beautiful garden. At each side of the tall double doors a guard was standing, and Rini couldn’t help but notice that they both were big, strong looking and heavily armed. “Halt!” one of them cried out. “Who goes there?”

The half-elf smiled her best and brightest smile. Eldoth had given her physical descriptions of most of the guards, and she knew this one by his freckles and big cleft chin. “Bodar Tarl, you silly man! Don’t you recognize us?” she asked.

The guard relaxed a little at the mention of his name. “Err…not sure, miss…”

“Why, that’s almost an insult, us being in and out of this house so many times!” She was still smiling. “I’m Ophelia.” Then she pointed at Imoen. “That’s my sister Amelia.” And finally at Eldoth. “And that’s our cousin Dotty. Don’t mind her, she’s a terrible flirt!” Eldoth coughed loudly but then went back to smiling vapidly at the other guard and twirling his purple parasol between his fingers. “And we’re friends of Miss Skie of course!” Zaerini went on. “I’m sure she’ll be happy to see us.”

“Well…I…don’t know…”

“Ooooh!” Eldoth cooed to the other guard. “It is so good to know that our dear Skie is guarded by such dutiful and strong men! She must feel ever so safe! That’s what all girls really want deep down, you know. A big, strong man to protect her and keep her from making stupid mistakes…Skie is such a lucky girl.”

I think he actually means it, Zaerini thought. Priceless. The guard seemed suitably impressed. He was puffing his chest out as if he were about to explode.

“Of course, being but a weak and fragile female I really don’t understand complex things like guarding,” Eldoth went on, his voice dripping honey. “That is not a woman’s place.” He took a few tiny steps closer to the guard, coquettishly spinning the parasol again. “Much better that strong men should…Eeeeek!” One of his heels caught on the gravel and he fell, twisting his ankle painfully.

He’s a better actor than I thought, Rini thought. That scream sounded exactly like a little girl. She shrugged. She could already see a way to take advantage of the situation, and Eldoth’s pain would be her gain.

Ten minutes later…

“I can’t believe,” Imoen said for the fifth time, “that the guy actually carried him up all these stairs. I mean, it’s five floors! I thought his heart was gonna give out on him. And did you hear the way his back creaked?”

“That was his back?” Rini said. “I thought that was the stairs…” She felt a little bad about the guard. The man had only needed a vague hint before he offered to help ‘poor, sweet little Dotty inside.’ Eldoth had hammed it up incredibly; simpering and sobbing alternatively in a way that almost made the half-elf feel sick. Good thing Duke Entar only employs male guards or we’d never have been able to get away with this.

The guard had unlocked the door that led to Skie’s quarters, waving at Eldoth before he returned to his duties, and so Imoen was spared some work. Zaerini simply knocked on the door, and after a few moments it opened. Skie was a rather pretty young girl with long dark hair done up in a loose bun. She looked at the three people standing at her doorstep with widened eyes. “Who…who are you? If you are intruders I’ll scream, do you hear me?” She had a shrill voice that grated unpleasantly in Zaerini’s sensitive half-elven ears.

“Skie!” Eldoth exclaimed. “It is I my rose, my little honey-bee! Don’t you recognize me?”

Skie stared at the vision before her, her mouth slowly dropping open while she took in the purple dress, the wig, the parasol and the makeup, not to mention the elegantly trimmed eyebrows. “Eldoth?” she whispered, sounding incredulous. “Is…is there something you haven’t told me about?”

A hurried explanation later Rini turned Skie invisible according to plan, and it was now a simple matter to sneak the girl out of the palace. There was one dangerous moment when Eldoth almost forgot to limp as they were about to pass the guards again, but a swift kick on the ankle neatly took care of that problem and they got away with no further incidents.

At sunset the same day Eldoth had finally managed to wash off all the makeup, as well as rid himself of the dress. His face still looked oddly androgynous though, without his beard and with the plucked eyebrows. “They had better grow out again soon, wench, or I will make you pay!” he complained as he walked back and forth inside the designated meeting place, a small room at the Three Old Kegs.

“Relax, Eldoth,” Zaerini said with a shrug and put her feet up on the table while she rocked the chair she was sitting on back against the wall. It felt very good not to have to pretend to be ‘lady-like’ in the worst sense of the word. Idly her eyes followed the other bard, mostly because there wasn’t anything else interesting to look at in the room. Eldoth had insisted that only the two of them be present to collect the ransom money, and she hadn’t objected. “It’ll be all right. Where’s Skie, by the way?”

Eldoth snorted. “The silly girl insisted on us having a ‘romantic dinner’ tonight. She’s back in her room trying to pick out a dress and a menu. Good thing I won’t have to put up with her for long.”

“Oh?”

“She’s completely empty-headed, or didn’t you notice? It’s lucky she has such a charming body to distract me or I’d never have been able to stand her stupid prattling long enough to convince her to have a cup of tea, much less run away.”

Rini smiled briefly. “Yes, it was a very clever plan, wasn’t it? Was it difficult to seduce her?”

“Ha! She was so starved for attention she’d have fallen into the arms of a beggar if he sweet-talked her some.” Eldoth smirked. “Some poetry and sweet words, some flowers and songs, that’s all it took. She’s actually a good kisser, I may be able to teach her a thing or two about love-making as well, naïve and clumsy as she is.”

“As long as her father’s money lasts of course.”

“Of course.”

“So tell me, how much money do you think you can squeeze out of Entar Silvershield in return for his only daughter?”

Eldoth’s face turned guarded. “Now, don’t you get any ideas about splitting into equal shares, little girl. You helped out, but the original plan was mine. You’ll get half of the first payment of 10000. The rest is none of your business.” He looked at the door and cursed. “Where are those damned envoys?”

Rini yawned. “Take it easy, big man. I’m sure they’ll be here any moment. Why don’t we amuse ourselves with something in the meantime?” She smiled at the other bard.

“Hmmm…” Eldoth said. “I wouldn’t mind that, I suppose. What did you have in mind?”

“I’ll show you. Just sit on that chair, yes, just like that. A very manly way of sitting. Now close your eyes…” Eldoth shut his eyes, leering widely all the time. And then he screamed in agony as a girlish foot connected with his groin.

“That’s for making me fall in love with you!” Skie screamed as the invisibility spell that had been masking her from sight winked out. There was a crunching sound as her fist made contact with Eldoth’s face, and the bard screamed again as his nose started spurting blood like a fountain. “And that was for blackmailing my father! And this…”

When the contingent of Flaming Fist marched into the room a few minutes later, Eldoth was a whimpering and bleeding heap on the floor. “Is there a problem here?” asked their leading officer, a striking redheaded woman.

“Not any longer, Officer Vai,” Zaerini said, grinning at the other woman. “I’m glad you were so prompt.” She pointed at Eldoth. “This person kidnapped the daughter of Entar Silvershield, you know. She’s right here and ready to bear witness. What’s the customary penalty for such things around here?”

“That would be life in prison,” Officer Vai said, smiling unpleasantly at Eldoth. “Not a very long life, usually.” Two soldiers hauled the bleeding bard to his feet. “Take him away.”

“Nooo!” Eldoth pleaded. “Skie! My dove! You…you can’t do this!”

Skie crossed her arms across her chest and smiled sweetly at him. “Really, Eldoth? Just watch me.”

Once the soldiers and their still sobbing captive had disappeared down the stairs Skie turned to Zaerini. “Thank you so much,” she said in a solemn voice. She swallowed a little. “Even if it hurts to know what he’s really like, I’m glad I found out in time. Thank you. I was about to make a terrible mistake. I will see to it that my father pays you the money Eldoth was asking for, you have certainly deserved it. And if there’s ever anything I can do for you in return, do not hesitate to call on me.”

“Thanks,” the half-elf said. “I’ll remember that. And Eldoth?”

“Well…he’s a slime ball. But now that I see how pathetic he is I feel almost sorry for him. Mostly I wanted to give him a bad scare, really. I’m glad you asked Officer Vai to exaggerate a little for his benefit.” She giggled. “Did you see the look on his face? I can’t believe I ever fell for him, I’ll never make that mistake again.”

“Yes,” Zaerini said, smiling in return. “I quite agree. And I’m sure we will both somehow manage to stand on our own two feet quite nicely without that sort of ‘big, strong man’ to handle our affairs for us. As freakish as Eldoth would think that sounds.”