In The Cards

People fear the greed, ruthlessness and hatred in their neighbors, and rightly so. But what they sometimes may forget is that the trait of blind and well-intentioned stupidity can cause just as much misery.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Zaerini sighed as she raised her eyes to watch the sky. It was rapidly darkening, gray and purple clouds drawing together in a swirling dance. There’ll be a thunderstorm before evening, she thought. Pity we didn’t stay the day at the Friendly Arm but headed north directly. Oh well. At least we’re not far from the city, and this seems like a safe campsite. We’ll reach Baldur’s Gate tomorrow.

The party had traveled north from Durlag’s Tower, stopping en route in Beregost to sell off a large amount of valuable items. Funny…it wasn’t that long ago that a 300 gold reward seemed like a big deal. Come to think of it, it wasn’t all that long ago that a giant spider seemed like a big deal. And now we’ve just killed a Death Knight, and our fortune counts in tens of thousands. If this goes on I wonder what we’ll up to in a few months time? Killing dragons and demiliches and stumbling across priceless artifacts wherever we go, no doubt. Assuming we live that long, of course. But we have become much more powerful. Perhaps…perhaps we will soon be able to stand against Sarevok. The bard sighed. Sarevok. He killed Gorion. It would be convenient if I could simply hate him. But…I’ve seen his eyes in my own face, looking back at me. And now I can’t stop wondering about him. He is my brother, after all. What made him become as he is? And how can I keep the same from happening to me?

It is simple, kitten, Softpaws proudly proclaimed. Sarevok didn’t have a clever, beautiful and wise cat to keep him company.

Rini laughed quietly and picked her familiar up, scratching the cat behind one ear to make her purr. Oh, of course. I should have thought of that myself.

Yes you should. Now watch out. The druid seems to want to speak to you, and she’s looking very determined.

Arrgh! No! The bard guessed what was coming and reacted instantly, using her shapeshifting power to slip into the form of a red cat. However, before she managed to sneak off she heard Jaheira murmur a spell and then felt her hind legs entangled by a mass of twisting roots. This is so undignified…

“Child,” Jaheira said in a stern voice as she approached, “you really should not try to run out on me. There could be any number of dangerous monsters about. And I really do need to speak with you.”

I know! That’s why I was trying to get away! She bared her claws at the druid and hissed a warning.

“Do not give me that,” Jaheira said, crossing her arms across her chest. “Gorion wanted me and Khalid to be your guardians, and I intend to carry out all the duties that otherwise would have rested on his shoulders. I will not give up on this. One way or another we will have this talk. Now, do you really want me to do it in wolf form? Or perhaps as a bear? I could hold you down with one paw, you know.”

“Oh, all right!” Zaerini growled as she shifted back into her own form. “You big bully. I hope you realize this is all utterly ridiculous and unnecessary.”

“I do not think so.” The druid dragged her unwilling victim off by one arm. Softpaws quietly followed them, looking far too amused for Rini’s taste.

Just let her get on with it, kitten, the cat advised. Or else tell her that I’ve already been giving you advanced instruction.

Are you crazy? You want me to tell Jaheira that I’ve been receiving…er…lessons in carnality and anatomy… from a cat? She’ll try to lock me up until my hair is as gray as Gorion’s was.

Suit yourself and suffer then.

Come to think of it, I’m rather glad I don’t have to be in cat form the day I eventually do…you know. What with the anatomy of male cats and all. Eeeewww…

Jaheira primly sat down on a tree stump, her back as straight as an arrow. Rini sprawled on the ground in front of her, lying on her belly with her feet up in the air, her red hair tumbling into her eyes so that she had to blow it aside. “Shouldn’t Immy get this Talk too?” she asked.

Jaheira’s face twitched a little. “Imoen needs a more advanced Talk, I think,” she said with a deep scowl. “Hopefully before she tries to bite off more than she can chew.” Then she drew a deep breath. “I think perhaps we ought to start at the beginning,” she said. “How much do you know about flowers?”

The golden-eyed half-elf gave the druid a look that clearly indicated that she thought the other woman might have gone mad. “Flowers? Can’t say I know all that much about flowers. Or care. I’m a city person, remember?”

“Did you never wonder where flowers come from?”

“No…can’t say that flowers ever were a major part of my thoughts, no. Why?”

Jaheira was starting to look desperate. “Well, what about bees?”

Rini just barely managed to keep her face straight. “What about bees?”

“How much do you know about bees?”

“Jaheira, is this some sort of nature quiz? Because I really don’t see the point…”

“Just answer the question,” Jaheira said between clenched teeth.

“Fine, fine. No need to get tetchy. Now let me see. Bees, you said? Well, they’re small. They’re yellow and black. And they buzz. So what?”

Softpaws’ mental snicker was very loud in Zaerini’s mind. Kitten, you’re being cruel. I love it.

Oh, she’ll get over it. I think.

Jaheira’s frown deepened even more. “Did you ever notice a certain connection between bees and flowers?” she tried.

Rini deliberately made her face as blank as possible. “Connection?” she said in her most innocent voice. “What sort of connection…oh! Yes, bees do seem to like flowers, don’t they?”

“Yes. Yes, they do.” Jaheira had the look of a woman walking across day-old ice as she carefully picked her way through the conversation. “You may not know this, but there are girl-parts and boy-parts to flowers. And if the bee touches the boy-part of one flower and then the girl-part of another flower, it will help new flowers grow.”

“Really?!” The bard made her eyes very, very wide with mock surprise. “Gorion never told me about that:” She paused. “Would the same thing happen with people?”

“What do you mean?” Jaheira asked, a wary look in her green eyes.

“If a bee landed on a man and then on a woman, would that make a new baby grow inside the woman?” She paused and stuck her little finger in her mouth in an ‘I am a helpless and adorable little innocent girl’ gesture. “Or would the bee have to land on the man’s ‘boy-parts’ and then on the woman’s ‘girl-parts’? Because that sounds awfully risky and would make me very nervous…”

Jaheira just stared at her for a few seconds, and then she rapidly closed her mouth with a loud snap. “You are making fun of me!” she admonished her younger companion.

Rini managed to keep the innocent look up for a few more seconds, but then she broke down, laughing hysterically and pounding her fists on the ground. “O…of course I am!” she panted. “Jaheira, me and Immy grew up in a library. We’ve known where babies come from since we were old enough to find the proper books. Not to mention some improper ones about all the fun things that usually precede the babies. You really don’t need to worry, we know how to take care of ourselves.”

Jaheira’s scowl remained a moment longer, but then a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “Very well,” she said. “Point taken. I will try not to baby you. It is just that when I look upon you I see your youth, and I want to keep you from harm. Not just because Gorion asked me to, but because I care about you.”

“That’s all right, Jaheira,” the bard said, briefly hugging the older woman. “I understand, and I appreciate the thought. Just try not to overdo it in the future.”

“But seriously,” the druid said, “I trust you are protecting yourself properly? I…know you care for Edwin, but I really do not trust him to think of such matters until after the fact.”

Rini felt sudden heat rise in her cheeks. “There is nothing of the sort happening between me and Eddie,” she said.

At least not yet. More’s the pity.

Softy, you’re not helping.

Jaheira looked suspicious. “But you do care for him,” she said. It wasn’t a question either.

“Um…maybe I do. Yes, all right. I like him a lot. But we really haven’t been…”

“Just take care, that is all I ask,” Jaheira said. “I am certainly capable of functioning as a midwife, but this is not a proper time for you start a family, not with the danger you are currently in.”

“Jaheira, if I ever decide to start a wild and passionate liaison with anybody I promise that you will not be the first to know. Now can we please change the subject?”

It was at that precise moment that there was a creaking and clanking sound coming from inside the bushes. “Now look what you have done!” Jaheira admonished as she drew her scimitar. “You have attracted the attention of some dangerous creature.”

“Me? It was you!”

And then a strange, cultured and overly pompous voice rang out, as loud as a trumpet. “Halt! Be you friend or foe?” The stranger emerged from the bushes, showing himself to be a knight in the shiniest armor Rini had ever seen. Looking at him nearly blinded her; it was like trying to stare directly into the sun, despite the gathering clouds overhead. He must use up whole barrels of armor polish every week! And look, even the undersides of his boots are shiny. How does he manage that out here in the wilderness? Must be some sort of divine favor…

The man was fairly young, she thought, a few years older than herself perhaps. He wasn’t bad looking, as such. The rigid look in his eyes detracted quite a bit from the general impression though. He looked like the sort of person who’d walk straight ahead through a fire, simply because it was the straight road, rather than make the slightest deviation from his ordained path. “Are you brigands that you withhold your names from a squire of Helm?” the man asked, fingering his sword. “I ask once again, be you friend or foe?” The thunder was coming closer now, but his words were clearly audible despite the approaching rumble.

“Oh, tough one,” Rini said, rolling her eyes. “We’d have to be really stupid foes to admit it openly, wouldn’t we? Much better to simply pretend to be friends and get you when you’re not looking. And that means that you can’t really trust us if we do claim to be friends, so what’s the point, really? Anyway, how can we know what we are when we don’t know who you are?”

The man looked more than a little confused at this, but he soon rallied. “I,” he proudly proclaimed, “am Ajantis, squire to Lord Helm, and member of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart! I have come down from Waterdeep to chastise the brigands infesting these parts. Evil must, after all, be purged without mercy!”

“Enthusiastic,” Jaheira said, “but too late. The bandits have been rooted out already, by us.”

“Impossible!” Ajantis scoffed. “Those vile miscreants, those base villains, smited by a pair of females?” He paused. “Or should that be ‘smitten’? I always get uncertain about how to handle that verb, but ‘smite’ has such a nice ring about it. Smite….smite, smite, smite. Mmmmm… But truly, ladies, you jest with me. Two frail flowers of the fairer sex, stand against those hordes of the Wicked? As I said, impossible.”

“Frail flowers?” Jaheira said, her voice flat.

“Tell me something,” Rini said in her sweetest voice. “I’ve never actually met a would-be paladin before, so I’m sure you will forgive a poor little girl her ignorance.”

“Of course,” Ajantis said with a condescending smile on his face. “I always strive to be a Role Model to the Meek. So far I succeed admirably, rooting out and chastising Evil wherever I go. I will be happy to instruct you both in the ways of Honor and Righteousness. We must take care though. This forest has a sense of Eeeeevil about it.”

Did that male just call us ‘meek’? That’s it. He’s dead.

Not necessarily ‘dead’, Softy. That would be a little harsh. But I’d say his attitude definitely deserves some ‘chastisement’.

“Uh-huh. Well, I was just wondering something. These ‘Evil’ people that you ‘purge without mercy’ – how do you pick them out among all the hordes of the ‘meek’? Must be difficult.”

“Not at all. Anybody skulking about in the shadows, hiding from the Light of Helm is suspect, of course. Virtuous people should be up at dawn and in bed at dusk, after a day of Good and Prosperous work. Reading Unsuitable books is another sure sign of Evil.” He blushed a little. “I do not like to speak of such things in front of ladies. Why, only the other day I came across a peddler selling books where they…where they…oh it is too horrible to speak of!”

“Why not try,” Jaheira said in a deceptively calm voice.

“Where they actually described acts of…of carnality between consenting adults! Complete with…with instructions in…in BIRTH CONTROL! Outrageous! Where would we all be if everybody were subjected to that sort of knowledge? There ought to be a Law against it.”

“And what did you do?” Zaerini asked.

“Well, at first I skimmed through all the books of course. I had to know exactly what vileness I was protecting the Meek and Innocent against. And then I did it again, paying extra attention to the vilest parts, copying them down for further reference.”

“Oh, of course. I guessed as much. I bet you read them every night too, so you won’t forget a single detail.”

“How did you ever guess, my Lady?”

“I must have been granted a vision from Helm. And then what happened?”

“And then I burned all the books, reciting the Holy Tenets of Helm to purify the area. I could not allow such dangerous knowledge to be spread!”

“You…you burned every single book?” Rini exclaimed, feeling rather horrified. “WHY?”

“To protect the Innocent, of course! After all, they are hardly capable of protecting their own souls or knowing what’s best for them, so it is a good thing that they have an upstanding member of the Order around to do it for them. And those books had a strong sense of Eeevil about them.”

“So let me get this straight,” Zaerini said in a slow voice, made almost inaudible by the loud and threatening rumble of approaching thunder. “In a single stroke, you managed to destroy the livelihood of some poor bookseller, who’s probably starving in the streets even now, pollute the air with the sound of your droning voice, and by depriving lots of young people of useful knowledge you also increased the likelihood of unwanted pregnancies, perhaps even infant murders. Congratulations, idiot. I bet Helm is really proud of you. What next? Slaying the local Wise Woman for using herbs to cure people, rather than sending everybody to the temple of Helm?”

“I couldn’t find her…”

“Oh, too bad! So you didn’t manage to start a plague as well? What a shame. Say, tin can! Just how much armor polish do you use anyway? It seems the fumes have melted your brains completely, assuming you had any in the first place, and quite frankly I doubt it.”

It took Ajantis a few moments to digest this, but then his face turned purple with anger. “You mock the Righteous servant of Helm?” he cried out, drawing his sword. “Vile woman! You shall be made to pay for your insolence! No longer will you infect the world with your Evil.” He had raised his sword above his head now and was waving it about theatrically. “In the name of Helm, I shall Smite you!”

KA-BOOOM!

A blinding flash of lightning struck the sword, making the would-be smiter light up with a noble radiance all his own. The deafening thunder that came at the same time was loud enough that both half-elves had to cup their hands across their ears, wincing with pain. Once the spots of color faded from their eyes Jaheira bent over the prone figure on the ground, examining him. “He is dead, Zaerini,” she said in a solemn voice.

“No kidding?” The bard looked at the sky. The clouds seemed to be withdrawing again. “Um…thanks!” she called out, waving at them. “I guess he was a bit much even for you, right Helm? Name-dropping from an idiot like that would probably annoy me if I were a god. Just let me know if I can ever do you a favor in return.”