In The Cards

If the plans and plots of the clever fail, it may once in a while be worth listening to the ramblings of a madman. He may, one out of a hundred times come up with something truly ingenious and original. Of course, the problem lies in finding that one tiny glimmer of wisdom amidst all the insane ravings.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

The stench of the sewer was overpowering, eye watering and quite frankly disgusting. Montaron had never considered himself a sensitive person, but this was a bit too much even for him. Xzar however didn’t seem to mind at all. The mad wizard bounced cheerfully along, his robe splattered with filth and grime as he poked and prodded at the things that floated along the sewer with his staff.

“No, no,” Xzar said as he turned an ancient corpse over. “Much too bony.” Another one he clicked his tongue disapprovingly at. “And you are much too bloated. Really, just because you’re dead that’s no reason to let yourself go so completely. Look at Abduh here, he’s in excellent shape!”

“Urrrgh!” the zombie agreed with his master. The stench didn’t bother him either, probably because his own was almost as bad. “Urrggh, urrrgh, UUURRRGH!” He proudly flexed his biceps and preened, making one of his ears fall off, and then had to wait for Xzar to stick it back on.

My partners in crime, Montaron thought despairingly. An insane wizard and the world’s most stupid zombie, previously the world’s most stupid human. It’s not fair. I’m a cutthroat, and I’m happy like that. I never wanted to be the brains of the group. Not an ounce of common sense between them. “Oh, shut yer hatch!” he snapped. “Wizard, let’s get on with it. We need to find a decent corpse for your friend so we can earn ourselves some coin and make up for your latest fiasco.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, Monty,” Xzar said, his grotesquely tattooed face reproachful as he raked his fingers through his disheveled haystack-like hair, making it look like a dirty haystack. “It was a good plan, I was sure it would work. Why wouldn’t Abduh impress Sarevok? Just look at him, so strong, such a skilled warrior, such a charismatic personality…”

Abduh, meanwhile, dug something green out of his nose and ate it, a blissful expression on his dull face.

“Charismatic…” Montaron muttered. “Maybe if you’re a tasteless idiot with the intelligence of a dead flea. Now, judging from that blasted ugly spiky getup Sarevok was wearing his taste may not be the best, but he’s hardly a fool.”

“Urrrgh?”

“That’s all right, Abduh,” Xzar said, patting the zombie on the arm. “Don’t mind Monty, he always gets bad-tempered when it’s that time of the month.”

“URRRRGH?”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you do, Monty. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people get edgy around a full moon.” Xzar lowered his voice into a conspiratorial whisper. “Some people even go crazy. But don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll make sure none of those madmen get near us. The one thing that worries me is that the rabbits may conspire to cloak them from my eyes.” His face suddenly started twitching violently. “The Rabbits! THE RABBITS! I see them! Krriiää! Lug-Yoggioth! Great Mojo protect us! It’s…it’s SEWER RABBITS, lurking beneath the surface, only their terrible long ears and horrible pink and twitchy little noses visible!”

“That’s not a rabbit, that’s a carrion crawler.”

“Oh? You’re sure? Well, that’s all right then.”

Montaron suddenly realized exactly what he was saying. “Carrion Crawler!” he screamed. “Daft buggers, move!” With that he started firing his crossbow at the pale and slithering fat shape that came gliding across the floor towards the two Zhentarim and their zombie, mandibles clicking hungrily. The surprised Xzar hesitated for a moment, and then started chanting a spell. Before he could finish it however, Abduh jumped on top of the monster and sat on its nose. Eventually the Carrion Crawler, powerful sewer dweller that it was, succumbed to the terrible stench of the zombie.

“See?” Xzar said. “Such a powerful warrior he is. Sarevok ought to have been impressed with his prowess, particularly since I sewed that enchantment into Abduh’s skin.” He sighed. “Such a powerful Bhaalspawn under our control, wouldn’t that have been lovely? Oh well. I suppose we’ll have to try something else.”

Abduh suddenly started jumping up and down, pointing eagerly at something over in a corner. “Urrgh! Urrgh Urrgh URRRGH!”

“What is it Abduh?” Xzar eagerly asked the zombie. “Speak boy, speak! Look Monty, he’s trying to talk! Isn’t that sweet?”

I thought I wouldn’t go to the Abyss until after I was dead. That’s what Granny always said. I’ll kill her for lying to me like that, giving me false hope. “What?” Montaron growled. “Has some snotty little kid fallen down a well?”

“No, no. Why would we be interested in that? He’s found us a nice corpse, see?” The corpse that the zombie was pointing at was indeed suitable. Not too fresh, not too runny.

“I suppose that’ll do,” the halfling thief grumpily admitted. “And you’re certain your friend will pay good money for it?”

“Oh yes. Arkion will keep his word.” Xzar leered. “Otherwise I’ll let Abduh sit on him and I’ll summon some wraiths to suck his soul out. Or at least chill him badly enough that he gets a terrible cold, which amounts to the same thing.”

“You…would summon wraiths to give somebody a cold?”

“Of course. There’s nothing more degrading and painful than a bad cold. And even the most powerful of clerical magic is helpless against it.”

Montaron sighed. After the disastrous attempt at putting Sarevok under their control he and Xzar had been hiding out with an old acquaintance of the mad wizard’s, a fellow necromancer. And now Arkion had sent them into this blasted hell pit that was the sewers of Baldur’s Gate, in order to fetch him a corpse for his research. Montaron wasn’t certain he wanted to know what the corpse was meant to be used for, but it couldn’t very well be anything worse than Abduh.

“Right,” he said. “So what are we to do next? About Sarevok, I mean. Our superiors will want results, you know. If we can’t get any results we might as well go into exile right now.”

Xzar pursed his lips in thought. “You’re right, Monty,” he said. “We do need to do something. I suppose you challenging him to a duel is out of the question.”

“Oh no. Halflings love fighting duels against giant armor-plated warriors. We’re famous for wanting to get stomped into the ground.”

“Urrrgh?”

“You are?” Xzar said, sounding a little annoyed. “Why didn’t you say so? You could have driven the rabbits off long before now, and the red eyes that lurk at the bottom of my pack as well.” He started rummaging around in his pack. “I saw them only yesterday…”

Sarcasm is just wasted on those two, isn’t it? Damn it, I suppose he really could have something living inside that pack of his. I’m sure I’ve heard strange noises coming from it at night.

“It was a joke,” Montaron said in a weary voice. “Don’t get yer knickers in a twist about it.” Bad move. Don’t wanna think about Xzar in knickers…

“Oh good! I knew you wouldn’t let me down Monty, you’re such a good friend. Sooo….if not a duel, what then? It has to be something foolproof. Hm. Why don’t we just assassinate him?”

“What do you mean just?! You think it’s that simple? You think I can just sneak inside the Iron Throne building, past all the guards, and off him? Next you’ll be wanting me to break into the Harper Headquarters…”

“Urrrgh,” Abduh eloquently said, picking his nose again.

“Of course!” Xzar exclaimed. “I have it now! Oh Monty, this is a wonderful plan!”

“What is?” the halfling thief asked, feeling very skeptical.

“You’ll see. I’ll need to do a little research first, but then we move.” The wizard hugged himself tightly, dancing happily around in a little circle, and then he hugged both Abduh and Montaron at the same time. For once both the zombie and the thief agreed on something, namely on the fact that they would rather have done without such tender gestures, particularly since Xzar had been eating garlic the past three days in order to ‘keep Vampiric Rabbits away’. “I have such a cunning plan!” Xzar squealed happily. “The most cunning plan ever! Sarevok will soon be at our mercy, Monty, you’ll see!”

“Urrrgh?”

“He will?”

“Oh yes, my little friends. Trust me on this. Sarevok is going down.” Xzar giggled loudly. “I know it’s going to work, the King of the Socks told me so just now. This is going to be so much fun…”

Montaron hoped his partner was correct in this. But somehow, for some strange and mysterious reason, he couldn’t quite manage to match Xzar’s confidence.