Chapter 14

Narrator: After saying goodbye to Jaheira, Mazzy, Valygar, Nalia, Aerie, and Minsc, the party goes through the spooky pocket plane doorway for the final time.
Imoen: I wonder what happens to all of our friends. Do they get dumped out somewhere?
Kirwond: Who knows? Maybe they get stuck with Cespenar for all eternity.

Amelyssan: So, you have finally shown up. Took you long enough. Now I can kill you and take the throne that is not mine by right!
Narrator: The party fights desperately, eventually prevailing.
Amelyssan: Damn! Excuse me, just got to go and freshen up. *disappears*
Anomen: What the hell?
Sarevok: Don’t ask, just heal. I’m sure she’ll be right back.
Amelyssan: There. Now that my makeup has been reapplied, I’m tougher than ever!
Kirwond: Where did you go? There’s no ladies’ room in the Abyss.
Amelyssan: I went to that big energy pool right in the center of the screen. Really, how could you miss it?

Narrator: After another bloody battle, the outcome is once again in the party’s favor.
Amelyssan: Ah, shoot. Excuse me again.
Imoen: Remind me why we keep letting her run off?
Keldorn: It’s this stupid chivalry thing.
Kelsey: Well, that last battle was a bit tough, but now we can finally defeat Amelyssan once and for…
Amelyssan: I’ve got my third wind!
Kelsey: No! You only get two winds! First wind and second wind!
Amelyssan: That stuff’s for mortals. I can go all night.

Narrator: Amelyssan starts to sit up. Any minute now, she’ll leave the energy pool!
Keldorn: We can’t win like this! We need another plan!
Kirwond: Oh, what the hell. This works in the movies. How do you upload a virus to the energy pool?
Kelsey: You have to hit the big red button marked “Upload Virus”.
Kirwond: Oh, yeah. Thanks! *hits button*
Amelyssan: No! What’s happening? My power…it’s…corrupted! *dies*
Kirwond: Should’ve done your LiveUpdates.

Solar: Good job, godchild. That will teach everyone to use their Norton utilities. Now, you have a big choice coming up.
Kirwond: Who, me?
Solar: No, the other one.
Imoen: Thank you!
Solar: Imoen, do you want to keep your Bhaal essence?
Imoen: Hell, no! It keeps telling me to eat cookies! How am I supposed to keep my girlish figure like this?
Solar: Good. Now you, Kirwond. You have two choices.
Kirwond: Are they about the wedding? I mean, the catering alone…
Solar: No, no. This is about bigger things than that. Now, the first choice is regarding your unborn child…
Kelsey: WHAT?
Kirwond: Honestly, Kelsey, I told you about it in Suldanessellar. I thought you said you had a good memory.
Kelsey: I thought you said you were kidding.
Solar: You can discuss this at a later time. Kirwond, do you intend to keep the child or should I terminate the…
Kirwond: Torm’s mercy, no. I’m keeping her. Him. Whatever.
Kelsey: Whew!
Solar: Now, you must choose. Either become a god or give up your Bhaal essence and remain mortal. You have sixty seconds to decide, beginning…NOW!

Narrator: *Jeopardy theme begins to play* The hardest sixty seconds of Kirwond’s life begin…and the strain is taking its toll. Will she become a power of the planes, or will she finally be free from the taint of…
Kirwond: Will you shut up? It’s hard enough making a decision like this without having you blathering all over the place. Keldorn, what should I do?
Keldorn: I don’t know about you, but I could never become a god. I couldn’t leave Maria alone like that.
Imoen: But you’re leaving her alone right now!
Keldorn: That’s different.
Kirwond: Okay. Anomen?
Anomen: If you become a god, I can’t haunt your home in the constant hope that Kelsey will die.
Kelsey: Hey!
Anomen: So I think you should stay.
Kirwond: Sarevok?
Sarevok: Give the essence to me, and I’ll become a god.
Kirwond: Right. Imoen?
Imoen: I think you should stay… but then it would be really cool if you went and became a god and stuff. I’m not very helpful, am I?
Kirwond: No, you’re not. Kelsey? What should I do?
Kelsey: Do you even have to ask? Stay here with me!

Solar: Your time is up. Kirwond, what is your decision?
Kirwond: I choose to be…
Kelsey: Yes?
Solar: Yes?
Kirwond: …mortal.
Kelsey: WOOHOO!!! *gives Kirwond a big kiss*
Imoen: Group hug!
Narrator: Now I’m going to puke.

Kelsey: This is going to be great! We’ll travel back to the Deepwash to get married, and I’m sure we’ll see Kelvim and Mirena along the way. And Jaheira can officiate…
Anomen: Or I could do it.
Kirwond: Yes, Jaheira can officiate. And Imoen can be my maid of honor.
Imoen: Do I have to wear a dress?
Kirwond: Yes.
Imoen: Oh, no! Solar, hurry up and take away her essence before she says…
Kirwond: A big, puffy, pink dress. With a butt bow.
Imoen: Argh! Too late!

Narrator: After the solar removed the taint of Bhaal from Kirwond and Imoen, she teleported the party back to Faerun, where they met up with their friends, as well as Kelvim and Mirena. You can read the epilogues for details, but I can assure you that they all lived happily ever after. The End.