Chapter 8

Narrator: The party spends the next two months in Suldanessellar, working on their tans.
Ellesime: I hope you’re all well-rested and stuff, because I’m going to kick you out of our fair city to proceed on the path of your destiny.
Kirwond: You people keep talking about my destiny…can you give me a hint?
Ellesime: No, but these talking stone heads can.
Imoen: *whisper* Someone’s been smoking some weed…
Ellesime: It was for medicinal purposes...oh, just go to the Forest of Tethyr if you don't believe me.

Narrator: The party forges deep into the heart of the woods, where they come across a group of huge stone heads.
Talking Heads: *sing* Psycho killer…Qu'est-ce que c'est…Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better…Run run run run run run run away…
Jaheira: Hmmm…I think we’re on the wrong channel. *thumps heads*
Talking Heads: Your destiny leads to a throne of blood and power over millions...or not. Now run away! Run away!

Illasera: Too late. *turns off talking heads*
Kirwond: You’re another assassin, aren’t you.
Illasera: Yes. I am a member of the Five.
Keldorn: The Five? The Five what?
Illasera: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. Oh, what the hell, I’ll just kill you.

Narrator: Sadly, Illasera and her lackeys are completely overmatched, dying in under 30 seconds.
Jaheira: I believe that’s a new record.
Narrator: Suddenly, the party is teleported to a new area!
Keldorn: New? This looks just like Hell! Why didn’t I suck it up and go home?
Imoen: Look on the bright side. Now you’re butch AND bronze.
Keldorn: *strikes a pose* I do look rather fetching with this tan…

Solar: Welcome to your Abyssal realm, god-child.
Imoen: Who, me?
Solar: No, the other one. Your destiny is approaching, and you must be prepared. Make yourself at home here, and I will be back regularly to irritate you with my cryptic tests. *disappears*

Narrator: As the divine creature vanishes, a familiar form appears in her place.
Sarevok: Hello, sister.
Imoen: Me?
Sarevok: No, the other one.
Imoen: When will it be my turn???

Sarevok: Kirwond, I know you’re sick of seeing me, but I must come with you. Just give me a teensy-weensy piece of your soul, and I will fight at your side!
Kirwond: The soul that I just got back from a power-hungry wizard?
Sarevok: Yes.
Kirwond: *shrugs* Okay.
Sarevok: Hold still, this won’t hurt a bit. YOUR SOUL IS MINE! *grabs Kirwond’s nose* And I got your nose!
Kirwond: Give it back! *draws Carsomyr*
Sarevok: Sorry. *gives it back* Anyway, now that I’m alive, I suppose you want me to swear an oath or something…
Kirwond: No, that won’t be necessary.
Sarevok: Fine. Be like that. Just talk to the statues and summon your friends before you go into the next room to face your challenge. And then we must be off to Saradush, where you have to do something important.
Kelsey: Like find my brother?
Sarevok: Yes, I’m sure that’s on the list somewhere.

Narrator: Using the handy statues, Kirwond summons her friends.
Kirwond: Uh…I’ll have one Aerie, one Minsc, one Nalia, one Mazzy, and one Valygar. Oh, and a Diet Coke.
Statue: Will that be for here or to go?
Kirwond: For here.
Statue: You got it.

Aerie: Eeeeeek! Ask me if I’m busy before you summon me!
Nalia: Just put on a robe, Aerie. It’s not like we haven’t seen a naked elf before.
Anomen: I haven’t.
Nalia: Figures. So what do you want, Kirwond?
Kirwond: I need some groupies before I start out on the long road to godhood.
Kelsey: Ahem!
Kirwond: Or non-godhood. You want to come to Saradush?
Valygar: Since you can only have five people in your entourage, I think we’ll make ourselves comfortable here and just make sarcastic comments when you return.
Kirwond: Oh, yes, about that…Jaheira, I know you’ve been with me for a long time and you swore an oath to my foster father and all that, but do you mind hanging out here while I run around with the person who murdered Gorion?
Jaheira: Not at all. Do you have a TV? The Red Sox are on.

Narrator: Kirwond leaves her friends glued to the television and goes next door to kill many things. Then the party heads for Saradush, where they land smack dab in the middle of an unruly mob.
Crowd: WE WANT GROMNIR! WE WANT GROMNIR!
Soldier: Settle down, unruly mob. What do you wish with our general?
Melissan: We want to string him up by his…I mean, we wish only to speak with him. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Soldier: Well, if you would only follow due process, then we could…hey, you there! How did you get into the city!
Kirwond: Me? I just appeared out of nowhere.
Soldier: They appeared out of nowhere! Kill them!
Kirwond: Wait a minute, we come in peace!
Soldier: They come in peace! Kill them!

Narrator: After the soldiers have been disposed of, Melissan introduces herself.
Melissan: Hello, I am Melissan. I am here to save the Bhaalspawn from Yaga-Shura at considerable expense to myself.
Kirwond: It’s nice to meet you, Melissan. Anything I can do to help?
Melissan: Yes. Get inside the castle and kill Gromnir Il-Khan.
Keldorn: Isn’t he a Bhaalspawn too?
Melissan: Um…okay, just talk to him then.

Narrator: After doing some random good deeds throughout the town, the party ends up in the local tavern.
Sarevok: Kirwond, I am troubled. You didn’t want to hear my cool oath, and I’m still alive and fighting by your side. What are you, stupid?
Kirwond: I’m trying to wean you away from the Dark Side.
Sarevok: Why would you do such a thing?
Kirwond: The satisfaction of completing a cheesy plot device, I suppose.

Mirena: Kelsey, thank goodness we found you!
Kelsey: Who are you?
Kelvim: She’s my girlfriend. We ran away from home together because we found out that Uncle Birinar is evil.
Mirena: We think he’s like you.
Kelsey: Thanks a lot.
Kelvim: She means that Birinar is influencing people with his suspicious sorcerer powers. I think he’s also a drug dealer.
Kelsey: That's horrible!
Kelvim: That's not the worst of it. Birinar has done away with the family discount!
Kelsey: No family discount?! He must be stopped. We’ll work on it as soon as we deal with this war-torn city.

Narrator: After gathering information from the townsfolk, the party plunges into the sewers, searching for the secret entrance to the castle dungeon.
Kelsey: Have I told you how much constant combat turns me on?
Kirwond: You really pick the damndest places to ask for sex. First the middle of the street and now the sewers?
Kelsey: What can I say? My timers wait for no one. Now come here.

Narrator: The party sneaks through Gromnir’s dungeons, killing all guards who dare oppose them. After freeing the prisoners, they ascend the staircase to face the General himself!
Gromnir: I understand that Melissan sent you. What is it you wish to discuss?
Anomen: Wow, you’re quite articulate for a half-orc.
Gromnir: “For a half-orc?” It is that sort of thoughtless stereotyping that makes me so very very angry. Now I shall kill you all instead of listening to what you have to say.
Anomen: I should just keep my mouth shut, shouldn’t I?
Kelsey: Yes, yes you should.

Narrator: The party kills Gromnir and all of his henchmen…
Melissan: Wait! Stop the madness!
Kirwond: Too late.
Melissan: Oh. Oh, well. Now go and kill Yaga-Shura.
Kirwond: Isn’t he a Bhaalspawn too? What are you trying to pull here?
Melissan: I am not trying to pull anything. *makes Jedi hand motions* There is no trickery going on here.
Kirwond: There is no trickery going on here…
Melissan: You will go and find Yaga-Shura’s weakness.
Everyone: We will go and find Yaga-Shura’s weakness… *leaves*
Melissan: Idiots.