Chapter 2.5

Narrator: After celebrating their victory, the party moves on to the town of Trademeet.
Logan Coprith: The druids are attacking our town with wolves and bears!
Aerie: Oh my!
Minsc: Your warriors are weak indeed if they cannot handle such puny creatures.
Logan: Yesterday, they sent in the weasels.
Minsc: Eeeep! We must help them, Kirwond!
Jaheira: Yes. I am eager to know who is messing with the balance.
Cernd: The branches of wisdom bend with the wind.
Kirwond: Okay…
Busya: Oh, and some genies want the head of a rakshasa.
Kirwond: What’s a rakshasa?
Busya: Beats the hell out of me.

Narrator: The party leaves town to romp in the woods. They find three of the mysterious rakshasas and kill them all. Amazingly, only one head is found. Eventually, they reach the druid grove.
Faldorn: How dare you enter our sacred…HEY! YOU’RE WEARING FUR!
Jaheira: I knew I shouldn’t have worn this cloak. And anyway, you’re wearing leather.
Faldorn: Criticize my wardrobe, will you? That’s it. I challenge you to a duel.
Narrator: Jaheira easily defeats Faldorn, winning the Druid Grove along with some other nifty prizes.
Jaheira: Eh, but I’m not done with wreaking vengeance. And I have not yet gotten to my Harper subplot. So you can have it, Cernd.
Cernd: Thank you. The mighty oak shall shelter the creatures…
Everyone: Whatever.

Narrator: They return to town, dropping by the genie tent on the way…
Khan Zahraa: *tickles Ihtafeer’s head under the chin* Who’s a good little rakshasa? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Narrator: …and become the Heroes of Trademeet, receiving some impressive statues in the plaza. After doing more good deeds around the city, they are called back to Athkatla by tragedy.
Anomen: My sister is dead, and we must return to the city so that you have a chance to mold my character, for good or for neutral.
Kirwond: I suppose I should encourage you not to kill Saerk, seeing as how I’ll be joining your Order later on.
Anomen: Then I shall continue to be repressed and poetic with occasional bursts of rage.
Kirwond: Does that mean that you’re not going to hit on me anymore?
Anomen: I will always hit on you, my favorite heroine.
Kelsey: Hey! Quit stealing my lines!

Narrator: While in the city, the party attends Lord Arnise’s funeral, rescues Nalia from her fiance, and stops in at the Harper HQ for a little reconnaissance work.
Xzar: Pssst! Find my buddy, Montaron!
Harpers: Sure, you can poke around our secret hideout. Pay no attention to the aviary on the second floor.
Kirwond: So, according to the numerous clues left conveniently around…that bird must be…Montaron!
Xzar: You found him! Oh, my fiendish friend, now we can go bar-hopping across the Realms…
Harper Assassin: DIE!
Xzar: Crap. *dies*
Kirwond: Oh, what have we done?
Jaheira: What do you care? You killed them both yourself in the last game.
Kirwond: Good point.

Valen: You look like someone who has 15,000 gold pieces. Want to come work for our mistress? She can help you find Imoen.
Brus: No, no, the Shadow Thieves will come down on their price. Let us help you find Imoen! We'll kill the extra person for you!
Valen: Don't listen to him. We'll give you a fabulous two-night stay in the revamped Graveyard District...
Brus: ...but we'll throw in an all-expense-paid cruise to lovely Brynnlaw!
Valen: We both do that!
Kirwond: I'm just going to back away now...

Narrator: Having nothing better to do, the party descends to the sewers to defeat an evil beholder cult…
Keldorn: Halt and go no further, laymen!
Kirwond: Wow. Your rippling muscles, your studly portrait...I don’t care if you’re married, I…what? Anomen is my only romance option???
Kelsey: Don’t forget me!
Kirwond: Thank Torm for you, Kelsey. Now let’s continue with the game.

Gaal: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye!
Kirwond: I can see that, yes.
Gaal: No time for small talk! Find me the Rift Device, and I’ll forget about plucking out your eyes!
Sassar: No, wait! Find ME the Rift Device, and I’ll send you into a zombie town AND a maze filled with beholders.
Kirwond: I like your plan, Sassar. Zero for brains, but ten for style.

Narrator: In some disgusting caves under the Cult, they find a gigantic eyeball.
Unseeing Eye: Despair, sighted one, for death…
Kirwond: Take that! *zaps Unseeing Eye with Rift Device* What? It doesn’t kill you outright? This blows.
Kelsey: Don’t worry, Kir, I’ll take care of it. *taps Unseeing Eye with quarterstaff*
Unseeing Eye: *dies*
Kirwond: Oh, Kelsey, you’re my hero. *kisses Kelsey*
Anomen: By Helm, I can’t stand this anymore! Kelsey, I challenge you to a duel!
Kirwond: No, it’s too late. His constant flirting has won me over. I choose Kelsey as my lovemonkey.
Kelsey: Great! Now I’m going to pick a fight and refuse to flirt with you.
Kirwond: What???
Anomen: Don’t worry, my Lady…I’ll comfort you.
Kelsey: Uh, on second thought, let’s make up.

Narrator: After returning the Rift Device, the party reports their success.
High Watcher Oisig: Good work. If you were a cleric, I’d give you the good reward, but since you’re not, you’ll just have to settle for the crap one.
Anomen: I’m a cleric. Can I have the good reward?
Oisig: No.
Anomen: Man!

Meronia: Come back to the Harper Hold. We have some questions we’d like to ask you.
Galvarey: I shall divine your true intentions with a simple quiz. What is your favorite color?
Kirwond: Pink.
Galvarey: Evil! Evil! Okay, second question. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Kirwond: African or European?
Galvarey: What? I don’t know… *dies*
Jaheira: That was very impressive, Kirwond. How do you know so much about swallows?
Kirwond: I’ve been watching a lot of Monty Python.

Narrator: After a long day of doing good deeds, Keldorn speaks up.
Keldorn: Want to come home with me and meet the wife and kids?
Kirwond: Sounds like fun.
Narrator: Keldorn leads the party to an imposing mansion.
Keldorn: Here we are!
Anomen: That’s the Order.
Keldorn: Oh, yeah…
Narrator: After a few hours, Keldorn manages to find his home.
Maria: Keldorn! Welcome home! I’ve been dating another man!
Keldorn: You…you what? Maria, how could you?
Maria: Well, I haven’t had sex in two years!
Keldorn: I suppose I shall have to forgive you. I'll quit adventuring and spend some time at home. Do you mind, Kirwond?
Kirwond: Not at all. See you again in three days?
Keldorn: You know it.

Narrator: The party moves on to the Windspear Hills. They fight ogres and other monsters, which turn into knights.
Anomen: There goes my chance to become a knight. Maybe I should have killed Saerk anyway.
Kirwond: You? What about me? I’m a Fallen Paladin now…oh, wait…nothing seems to have changed on my character sheet. Never mind.

Garren Windspear: Come to my cabin, where I shall entrust you with my son while I walk to Athkatla to plead your case before the Order.
Kirwond: That’s very generous of you, seeing as how you’ve known us for about thirty seconds.
Jum: Run! Run! Bandits are coming to steal Garren’s son and blacken your name!
Kelsey: Well, that was unexpected.
Garren: I leave you alone for five minutes and…oh. My script is telling me that it’s Firkraag’s doing. That’s okay then. Just find my kid.

Narrator: Following the clues in Firkraag’s note, the party discovers his lair.
Kirwond: Hmmm. A ruin decorated by statues of dragons. What could be inside?
Aerie: Orcs? Werewolves? Vampires?
Kirwond: Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Narrator: After fighting through the hordes of orcs, werewolves, and vampires that inhabit the lair, they find an old enemy guarding Garren’s son.
Tazok: Muhahahahaha…you only THOUGHT you defeated me.
Kirwond: This is going to happen with all the other big bads in the game, right?
Tazok: Of course.
Kirwond: Great. *kills Tazok*

Taar: Thank goodness you’ve come to rescue me! But first, go downstairs and face Firkraag.
Firkraag: Hi! Welcome to my lair!
Jaheira: Ooh! A dragon! And with such lovely scales...
Firkraag: Hey! Quit mentally skinning me!
Jaheira: He'd make great armor. And there'd be enough left over for a handbag and a pair of nice shoes.
Firkraag: Oh, yeah? Feel free to try and kill me, but you are so puny that I doubt you’ll succeed.
Anomen: We have already killed one dragon…
Kirwond: But if we kill him now, we won’t get the extra experience from the Order. Let’s just go and save Taar.
Firkraag: Good move. Ta!
Garren: Thanks for finding my son! I have no gold or nifty equipment to give you, but I will do you a favor and open the paladin stronghold to you.
Kirwond: Finally! Now I can run the Order!
Garren: Uh, yeah. Sure.

Narrator: Upon returning to the city, the party runs into some angry Harpers.
Reviane: Hold! You shall face Harper justice for killing Galvarey!
Kirwond: I didn’t kill him…he imploded when he couldn’t answer my question.
Dermin: Details, details. We still hold you responsible. Jaheira, join us in the finger-pointing.
Jaheira: I’ll stick with Kirwond, thank you very much. The balance demands it.
Dermin: You and your balance. Okay, but this isn’t over!

Narrator: They mosey on over to the Order of the Radiant Heart for Anomen’s Test, which he passes.
Anomen: Score!
Narrator: After being informed of all the perks that will someday come with his new position, Anomen…
Anomen: Call me Sir, damn you!
Narrator: …whatever. SIR Anomen waits quietly and patiently while the Order representative speaks with Kirwond.
Anomen: That doesn’t sound like anything I would do.
Narrator: And maybe his Wisdom increase will take effect soon. Though I doubt it.
Anomen: I heard that!

William Reirrac: Welcome to the Order! Feel free to think of this place as your second home.
Kirwond: Cool! Where’s my room?
William: Uh, you don’t really have one, but you can dump your stuff in a sack in the kitchen. Now, we realize that you’re a paladin already and therefore should be allowed to join our Order and use our hall without doing anything, but we think you should run some more errands first.
Kirwond: What do you need?
William: Nothing much. Bail out our elite strike force, settle a land dispute, babysit a whiny teenager, oh, and kill Firkraag.
Kirwond: WHAT? I have to stay in a room with Tyrianna???
William: It’s not that hard, really. Plus you’ll get a nifty sword at the end of all this.
Kirwond: Fine, but I’m only doing it for the sword.

Narrator: The party easily accomplishes the first three tasks. Wiping off their sweaty brows, they travel to Firkraag’s lair to begin the final and most difficult part of the quest.
Kirwond: Okay, let’s do a quick huddle while Firkraag still has that friendly blue circle around him. Minsc, Anomen, Mazzy and I will surround him and beat the hell out of him. The rest of you cast spells and heal. Firkraag, you can’t hear any of this, right?
Firkraag: Not a thing.
Kirwond: Great! Attack!

Kelsey: You know, Kir, I’ve been thinking about life, my brother…
Kirwond: You have a brother?
Kelsey: Yes. You’ll meet him in the next game. Where was I…oh yes…life, my brother, and my powers, and I’m feeling pretty damn good. Oh, yeah, and I love you.
Kirwond: I love you, too.
Kelsey: You are my sun, my moon, my stars. Without you, I dwell in darkness.
Kirwond: Yes, yes, but can this wait? *points upward*
Firkraag: Don’t mind me. Just pretend I’m not here.
Kelsey: Oh, right. My LOVETALKs don’t wait for little things like impending combat.
Firkraag: What? No sex? *dies*
Kirwond: Well, not yet, anyway.

William Reirrac: Congratulations! See you again when it’s time to kill Bodhi!
Kirwond: Bodhi, eh? Do you folks know where Imoen is?
William: Yes, but the game won’t let us tell you. You’ll have to choose between the Shadow Thieves and the vampires.
Kirwond: Alrighty then. Shadow Thieves it is.
Jaheira: But we still have to find Valygar…
Kirwond: Screw it. This chapter is getting too long anyway. I’m sure he’ll still be there after we get back from saving Imoen.
Gaelan: Great! Just go and talk to Aran Linvail, and he’ll tell you where Imoen is.
Kirwond: Finally! I wonder how she’s doing.

Imoen: You know, Spellhold’s not that bad. Lonk the Sane bakes cookies every afternoon, and I can always beat Tiax at checkers.
Tiax: Tiax rules all! Tiax can never be defeated by little pieces of wood!
Imoen: Even though Kirwond’s taking an awfully long time to find me, I don’t mind because…what was that?
Irenicus: That was me breaking free from my restraints.
Imoen: You only freed yourself now? What took you so long?
Irenicus: I didn’t have any lock picks…I mean, I meant to take this long. It was all part of my fiendishly clever plan.
Imoen: Yeah, right.
Irenicus: Don’t sass me, girl. Now we’re going to start the torture and the taking of souls.
Imoen: Oops. Me and my big mouth.