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Gnome Improvement (A tv show parody) Naughty bits!

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Posted 08 October 2003 - 04:24 AM

Gnome Improvement

"WHAT TIME IS IT?" yelled Aerie to the packed audience.

"TURNIP TIME!!!" yelled the audience back.

"Welcome to Turnip Time, sponsored by Jansen Enterprises, and here's your host, Jan the Turnip-Gnome Jansen!" said Aerie, extremely fetching in a short green tunic and tights.

The audience was mostly composed of gnomes with a few humans and elvenkind thrown into the mix.

The very popular do-it-yourself handicrafting show, with a little basic magical artifact making had proved to be wildly successful, now well into its second season, despite the host's tendency to tell long, winding and wildly non-sensical stories. Of course, certain members of the cast felt it was their own contributions to the show despite the host that made the show one of the most popular on the telescry network...

"Thank you, Aerie, you're as ravishing as always. Now let's give a warm hand for my assistant, Ano Delryn!" As the female members of the audience applauded, Anomen Delryn walked in, flashing a brilliant smile (Massive doses of Simply White, and for that rouguish curlique of hair on his forehead, a dash of brylcream) and wearing his trademark armor painted with squares in eyeclashing combinations of blue, rust, green and yellow. He was as well known for his distinctive plaid armor as Jan was for his turnip stories.

"That's Anomen, Jan." said Anomen as he started the banter that started each episode of the show.

"You see, Ano, that's what throws me off. The plurality of your name. It doesn't sound, you know...right. That kinda reminds me of my nephew, Galahad Jansen, and his adventures while he was questing for the Holy Snail..." began Jan.

At this point the audience settled back in their comfy seats, and not a few of them broke open the complementary packets of Turnip-nuts that the thoughtful producers had provided to each member of the audience. As the gnomes crewed on the turnip flavored crunchy treats, Jan began his story.

"You see, poor Galahad, known as the unlucky, because he always seems to have the worst luck in matters of the heart, don't you know, was hired when he was younger to be a treasure hunter for the temple of Escargo, the God of Gastropods. He was hired to recover their most holy treasure, the Holy Snail. This was a golden snail, that if you lick the slime off the bottom, it will cure any disease. Now clerics of Escargo, as you all know, are very, very powerful, so you may ask, why didn't they search for this holy relic themselves. Well, in honor of their deity, the only form of locomotion they were allowed was to lie with their tummy on the floor, and clenching and unclenching their stomach muscles to wiggle their way to get anywhere. Poor lads, more than one novitiate starved to death getting to the dining hall before they caught on to the trick of tummy crawling. Now where was I?" asked Jan in perplexity.

"The holy snail" replied Anomen. He kept thinking to himself, I need the gold, I need the gold. His wife, Mazzy Fentan had a 500 gold a week habit in rubber bands. How she went thru so many rubber bands still amazed him. He knew she didn't eat them, because their house was filled with literally millions of broken, snapped rubber bands. They got everywhere, in the bathroom, the bed, even in the food. This was why he had an automatic gag reflex whenever he saw a plate of spagetti.

"Oh yes, thanks Ano. Well, anyhu, he was hired to find the holy snail. After many adventures, including the knights who break wind in your direction, he finally reached the Castle Chickenpox, where he saw a glowing vision of the Holy Snail floating above the castle. Galahad naturally went to the front door, and there he was greeted by Zoot, the head of the castle, who lived there herself and with eight score other beautiful human and half elven girls, all between the ages of 16-19, who spent all their time bathing, dressing and undressing and making exciting knickers. He was tricked into entering the cluches of those women, who had rather nefarious plans for him. The women, led by Zoot and her twin sister Dingo, would first make him punish them, by spanking each girl barebottom with his own hands. After this would come the time for the oral (deleted). Now fortunately me and his brothers, my other nephews Gawain Jansen and Lancelot Jansen had gotten wind of his mortal peril, and we rescued him, kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs at the nick of time, before the girls had him firmly in their clutches." said Jan, smiling benignly as he thought of how he had saved that poor lad.

"So, urm...what in the name of Helm has this to do with calling me Ano???!!!" asked Anomen. He had sureptitiously loosened his neckguard while Jan was telling the story.

"Oh dear, oh dear, actually that part of the story had nothing to do with why I call you Ano, Ano. No, actually it has to do with what came of him afterwards. He was so traumatized by that whole encounter that he quit the treasure hunting business, and moved to the seashore, to open up a fishing supplies shop. I know, I know, its nowhere as presdigious as opening up a turnip or invention shop, but I did mention that whole encounter traumatized him, right? This may be why
he was still unlucky with the fair sex. I dare say he hasn't had a date in years, possibly his entire life! Anyhu, he turned out to have a pronounced flair and talent when it comes to selling fishing gear. But it was in the specialty of crafting bait that he really was truely gifted. Why, he used to craft these artificial lures, made of bits of twine, a hunk of wood, even a piece of, if you can believe it, a radish," at this point the audience gasped in horror "and the fish would literally jump out of the water to impale themselves on the hook. He became so good at crafting lures, his store specialized in nothing else. All up and down the coast, he became known for his lore and skill. He is still reverently called 'Master Baiter'. Though the poor lad seems to hate that title. Even though it fits him perfectly. Like your's fits you perfectly, my esteemed assistant!" said Jan with a wide smile.

As Anomen sat down, trying vainly to forget the story, with a poleaxed expression on his face, Jan basked in the applause of the gnomes in the audience.

"Urm...ok, ok, now Jan, if members of the audience, including our wonderful home viewers, of course, wanted to visit this shop, where would they be able to find it?" Anomen asked desperately.

"Oh that's quite simple. Just go to the docks, head south along the coast, and within 20 or so miles, they should be able to find the "Golodon's Wand and Staff Polishing." You see, Galahad is so cheap that he never replaced the sign put up by the previous owner. Just look for the lopsided gnome. Galahad, he spends so much time on the lure making table, with minute and quick movements of his right arm and hand, that his right side is much more muscular than his left. And due to handling radish juice, with its highly caustic and toxic properties, his calluses are incredibly thick on his right palm. Oh dearie, dearie me...I almost forgot, his shop sign hasn't been repaired in years, so actually instead of being the "Golodon's Wand and Staff Polishing", the "Golodon's", "Wand" and the "and" have fallen off the sign. Just walk on in, and mention my name." said Jan.

"Ok, ok, ok, now back to today's featured project!" said Anomen quickly.

"Right-o, ok, folks, today we're going to be making a turnip golem! That's right, we're actually going to make a working golem out of turnips. First of all, we need a Jansen 3000 golem making kit, available at your fine Jansen retailers all around Amn for a mere 8000 gold. The kit provides you with a basic magic skeleton, and all the directions necessary to make your new creation. And here is a fine example that the lovely Aerie is wheeling out. Aerie?" said Jan, as Aerie, huffing and puffing, wheeled out a large dolly with a golem on top. The golem's skin was a pale white, and there was the strong scent of turnips in the air. All the gnomes in the audience clapped vigourously, as the veggie automaton was brought to the center stage.

"Now the lads backstage have almost finished this fine example of gnomish artifice, and all that remains is to insert the tiny scroll with the true name of the goddess of magic, "Supercalifragalisticexpialidotious" inscribed in high Netheril, written in diamond dust on the pure beaten gold leaf of the scroll." Jan held up a tiny cylinder of gold leaf.

"We simply place the activation scroll under the tongue, where the special holder has been prepared. Now at this point, the normal customer of this fine golem building kit would simply insert the activation scroll, and the golem, with the built in safety spells and failsafes, will work properly and stand ready to obey its new master. However, the boys backstage and I, myself have been working on a slightly different activation scroll." Jan holds up a gold and silver box.

He hops on top of the table standing before the motionless magical construct, and opens the box.

"Inside this box is an activation scroll made out of precious Adamantium with the activation name written in pure crushed rogue stone. This activation scroll is many times more powerful, because its made out of much rarer and more arcanely charged materials, so this scroll will make our new golem faster, and able to work much more. And why should we use this scroll, instead of the standard scroll?" asked Jan in an expectant voice.

"MORE TURNIPS!" shouted the audience in unison.

"That's right! With a more powerful activation scroll this golem will be able to harvest twice as many turnips as your average golem, lift twice as many bushels of veggies and generally make itself twice as useful at your farm!" Jan lifts out the glittering silvery cylinder, and opening the golem's mouth, inserts the activation scroll.

"Urm...Jan, did you say the scroll was made out of Adamantium?" asked Anomen, his face twisted up as if he was trying to remember something.

"Why yes, I did." replied Jan.

"Urm...Jan, doesn't Adamantium disintegrate when its exposed to sunlight?" said Anomen, just as the Golem opened its eyes, a fine trail of greyish dust trickled down from the jaw of the newly activated golem. The golem stood up from the dolly used to carry it into the studio, and its eyes began to bulge and filled with unholy light. It raised its arms, and gave a gigantic roar!!!


As the audience screamed its terror, Jan gave a valiant battlecry, and leaped up and grabbing the golem's right hand with his arms, began to gnaw on the arm. Anomen sighed in exasperation. It sure seemed like every episode ended up with the project of the day going on a rampage, or a Jansen invention going berserk. Wincing at the memory of the massacre from last week when the latest Jansen TurnipMaster 2000 went wildly out of control, and sliced up half the audience, (Thank Helm for signed waivers) he reached for the Flail of the Ages attached to his belt. His hands did not find the familiar leather wrapped hilt!!! Anomen remembered with a shock that when he put on his armor this morning, the leather suspenders holding up his steel pants had snapped off, so when he attached the heavy flail to its customary place on his belt, his armor pants had sagged down, and formed a huge butt cleavage. When Aerie had walked by, her giggles made him take off the flail, and put it away in his dressing room. He desperately grabbed a long sword from a rack mounted on the wall, and yelped as he felt a searing pain on his palm.

"Helm-Damned class restrictions!" he shouted as he dropped the sword.

Praying to Helm for luck, he grabbed in desperation the TurnipMaster 3000 prototype from the shelf on the worktable, and closed his eyes, and pulled on the starter handle. The supercharged and turboboosted infernal combustion engine operated turnip-peeler gave a massive roar of pure mechanical power, and the hundreds of tiny blades and forks began whirling and spinning at super high speed.

"In Helms name, drop that gnome and surrender peacefully!" yelled Anomen.

The turnip golem flicked away the desperately chewing Jan, and faced the Cleric and Co-host with its right arm chewed up a bit, but still very dangerous and defiant. Anomen warbled his battle cry, and with a huge overhand cut of the TurnipMaster 3000, sliced off the turnip golems right arm!!! The hyperpowerful veggie peeler made a horrifying grinding and gnashing noise as the tiny forks and blades literally ate thru the arm, spraying vegetable matter everywhere.

"Now surrender!" said Anomen.

"Tis but a scratch!" said the turnip golem.

"A scratch? YOur arms off!"

"No it isn't!"

"Then what's that then?" asked Anomen pointing with the still roaring, spinning and twirling TurnipMaster 3000 at the large arm on the floor, still oozing turnip juice into the studio carpet.

"I've had worse!" said the turnip golem defiantly.

"YOu lie!"

The two tangled up again in melee, the turnip golem attacking with powerful sweeps of its remaining left arm, and Anomen slashing with the evil turnip peeling contraption. Finally, Anomen sliced off the turnip golem's left arm!

"Victory is mine!" Anomen knelt and began a prayer of thanksgiving to Helm, but the turnip gnome kicked him on the butt with its right foot!

"Look, you stupid git, you have no arms left!"

"Yes, I have!"


"Its just a flesh wound!"

"I'll slice off your legs, you silly golem!"

With a cry of rage, the furious Cleric and Co-host sliced off the right leg of the turnip golem. It somehow remained upright, hopping on the left leg while the audience, who had settled back down on their seats now that the immediate danger seemed to be over, looked in disbelief.

"Right, I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what???!!! What are you going to do to me, bleed turnip juice all over me?"

The turnip golem hopped around, and tried to headbutt Anomen.

"I'm invincible!"

"you're a Veggy!" said Anomen, and sliced off its last leg.

"Right, we'll call it a draw!" said the armless, legless vegetable automaton.

"What, running away then? Comeback, I'll bite your legs off!" shouted the daft golem as Anomen turned off the TurnipMaster 3000, and started walking back to his dressing room, holding the evil device and looking at it in wonder.

"No, I'm going to leave you to the studio audience. Snack Time!" Anomen shouted. The studio audience launched themselves at the remains of the turnip golem, like a voracious school of piranha poodles, yipping and barking and bearing their fangs, and literally ate the remains of the poor golem in seconds. Anomen tenderly put away the devilish contraption in his dressing room, and walked back to the studio, with a towel, wiping away the splatter of turnip juice covering his armor.

As the audience settled back to their seats, the cameras cut to commercial. Anomen took the opportunity to talk to Jan quietly.

"Jan, you know that TurnipMaster 3000? Its never going to work as a turnip peeler, but it makes for the most evil, nasty and utterly deadly hand to hand weapon I've ever seen!!! We should market this as the ultimate monster killer!!! We could make millions!!!" whispered Anomen.

As Jan's face lit up with unholy glee, both Anomen and Jan's thoughts were a million miles away as they finished the taping of their show.

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