Boogie Knights(girl's night at Hendak's) Naughty Bits!

I am introducing into my little space in the Novella section posts called "Naughty Bits!"...in my hard drive are the drafts and working documents and of course the final drafts of my series...in the folder where I keep my series I have a folder called "Naughtybits" where I stick all the fun parody stuff I like to write, that actually doesn't belong in my series. Here they are, enjoy!!!

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Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
We Smite for your love!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
We are Knights, who Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
We are Knights, who wear Tights!
Tights!
Tights!
Knights!
Smite!

As the five members of the "Pally People" began to strut and dance in a most provokative way on the stage behind the bar of the Copper Coronet, poor Mazzy tried simultaniously to cover her eyes and ears. Hellocthul gave her a big grin, and pushed a tankard of ale in front of her. Despite her strong views on alchohol (most uncharacteristic for a halfling), Mazzy grabbed the tankard and drained it at one gulp. The rest of the party were already more than a little inebriated, and even the normally taciturn Jaheira was cheering and whistling as the dancers strutted their stuff.

The five members of the "Pally People" were wearing armor...or to be more specific, half armor. They were wearing chainmail (crotch-less and butt-less) chaps, steel boots and their shocking pink g-strings were clearly visible. As they shook their booty, the thousands of steel rings sounded like metallic rain. Their bare upper bodies were glistening with oil, and obviously waxed heavily, since they lacked even a trace of chest hair. They each wore glittering and beaded falsies over their (deleted). As they danced, As they stomped and kicked and clicked their heels in unison, the armor boots sounded like castinets, the chaps tinkling with the band's driving rythm and beat. They were obviously very skilled and practiced, as even their shoulders moved to the beat, and each dancer managed to twirl the beaded tassles attached to each falsie in a counter-rotating fashion. One particularly adroit fellow was able to spin the tassles so fast that they were almost a blur, remining the party of one of Jan's most dangerous inventions, the "Turnip-copter". On their heads they wore various helms denoting the noble orders. One dancer wore the full tilting helm of the Noble Order of the Radient Heart. Another dancer wore the crested mask helm of the Order of the Illmather, with the full feathered headress made of dove plumes. Yet another wore the practical riding helmet of the Order of Helm.

The female members of the party, including Hellocthul, had ditched Minsc, Yoshimo, Jan and Anomen to have a girl's night out. Despite Nalia's and Mazzy's protests that this was "vulgar" and "crass" entertainment, all of the girls were beginning to enjoy themselves. Nalia, who first alternated between blushing and covering her eyes, was now openly watching the floor show avidly and banging her little fists on the table, in beat with the music. Mazzy, after draining a couple of full tankards of ale, literally let her hair down, yanking off her trademark rubberbands from her hair. Now for the first time, the party found out why exactly Mazzy wore rubber bands in her hair. The resulting fur rug that escaped their elastic prison cascaded over her head, and completely covered her body. She looked like a giant hairball, coughed up by some gargantuan cat, with two booted feet sticking out the bottom.

Nalia, in a drunken slur, said "Hey! Its Cousin, I mean Aunty It!" refering to a character from a popular crystal ball show, the "Xzar Family". Two arms poked themselves out of the giant hair ball, pulled masses of hair away from her face, and Mazzy stuck her tongue out at Nalia, while her eyes were still taking in the show. Nalia just started giggling.

Jaheira had downed 10 full flagons of wine, and was already in full audience mode, shouting her approval of the costume, or the lack of costume on the dancers. Viconia, of course, enjoyed herself tremendously in the first number, and was shouting now for the dancers to take off the rest of their costumes. An argument started out between Viconia and Jaheira, Jaheira claiming that the dancers had socks stuffed down their g-strings, based on the fact that she was a druid, so she had instinctive ability to scry un-natural "things". Viconia, citing her long and varied experience with the male anatomy, claimed that they were quite real. As they continued bickering, the "Pally People" launched into a new singing and dancing number.


young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick your sword off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
there's no need to be unhappy.

young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when battling evil is all you know.
you can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
many ways to have a righteous time.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,
you can hang out with all the boys...

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

you can get your armor cleaned, you can polish your staff,
if you're a cleric and that's what you have...

young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, a Paladin is what you want to be!
I said, young man, you can join the Radient Heart.
but you got to know this one thing!

no man fights evil by himself.
I said, young man, grab your shield from the shelf,
and just go there, to the N-O-R-H.
I'm sure they can help you today.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,
you can hang out with all the boys...

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

you can get your armor cleaned, you can polish your staff,
if you're a cleric and that's what you have...

young man, I was once in your shoes.
Evil was everywhere, and Good sure to lose.
Smiting just didn't feel right.
I felt the whole world was so wrong...

that's when someone came up to me,
and said, young man, walk to the temple district.
there's a place there called the N-O-R-H.
they can start you back on your way.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,
you can hang out with all the boys...

N-O-R-H ... you'll find it at the N-O-R-H.

young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.
young man, young man, pick your sword off the ground.

N-O-R-H ... you'll find it at the N-O-R-H.

young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.
young man, young man, pick your sword off the ground.

N-O-R-H ... just go to the N-O-R-H.

young man, young man, are you listening to me?
young man, a Paladin is what you want to be!


As the five members finished their song they had their arms around each others shoulders, and were doing high kicks, just like the Calimshite City Rockettes. Hellocthul noticed Jaheira was finishing up a spell, her fingers moving in the final gestures of a complex incantation, her voice lost in the roar of the mostly female audience. As the song and dance came to an end, a huge horde of chittering and giggling mice, hamsters, and other rodents boiled out from the stage, and a mammalian horde attacked the g-strings of each of the suddenly terrified dancers. The rodents ate the pink silken g-strings off each dancer, and suddenly disappeared. As the shaking and shocked dancers uncurled themselves from the protective posture each had instinctively assumed, the riot began. As Viconia was proven right after all, the audience surged against the wall of bouncers that Hendak had placed in front of the stage. One especially nimble matron however, managed to jump over the bouncers in a beautifully executed stage dive, and had grabbed the (deleted) of the last dancer, who was unable to join his fellows in fleeing the stage for their lives. Nalia dropped her cup of wine, and ran to the matron, and grabbed her waist, trying to make her let go.

"Aunty! Let go of him!!! Aunty Delcia, let him go! Please!!!" shouted Nalia desperately to her Aunt. Lady Delcia finally let go of the (deleted) of the last dancer, who desperately fled the stage, whimpering and crying. Lady Delcia then proceeded to pass out, and a bouncer picked her up to take her to the drunk tank in the back room.

The party paid the tab, and quickly exited the Copper Coronet, giggling and laughing so hard they had to support each other to keep from falling over. As the girls breathed deeply of the cold night air in an effort to regain some sobriety, Hellocthul asked a question of Jaheira.

"Say Jaheira, what was that spell you cast?" asked Hellocthul inbetween her giggles.

"Well, hehehhehehhe...it was a variant of the insect plague spell. Instead of using the word for insects, I used the word for rodents. It turned out better than I thought it would, I think I will call it..." said Jaheira.

"SQUEEKING DOOM!!!" cried the party in a chorus.