I doubt that this would count as on-topic story, all though… this is one very non-stereotypical Jaheira, in this tale. Uhuh, indeed – even our stern druidess is not prone to the arrows of the Stupid Cupid, hehe…
This would count as a sequel to a story called ‘The Cage of Love’, posted in the last quiz.
Some words of warning – if you are particularly touchy on the subject of adultery, perhaps this isn’t a story for you. Some paragraphs contain some… passionate stuff, but I don’t think they are in any way graphical.
No Way Back
The city of Baldur’s Gate wakes early and the sounds of the hustle and bustle in the streets flow in through the half-opened window of my room. But it is neither the sound nor the first rays of rising sun that wakes me. I have not been sleeping, but I can’t say that I have been at my full consciousness during these last hours… since she left.
I turn my head to look at where she had slept, atop of the blankets, either preferring to sleep uncovered or in order to prevent herself from getting too comfortable, knowing that she would have to leave me soon. I reach out my hand, gliding it across the blankets and then slowly drag myself lower in the bed to brush my lips against them… As I inhale deeply, I realize that the cloth still holds her enchanting, alluring scent, so strong that it makes my head dizzy.
I look up the bed to notice a long strand of a golden-brown hair, lying on the fluffy pillow… Slowly I reach out to take it and notice how my fingers are shaking as I do so. Carefully, I remove the precious object from the pillow and gently twirl it around my fingers… she must have lost it as my hands got entangled in her hair, pulling and tearing at them, perhaps a little too forcefully than I intended, but by that time I was not fully in control of my own body… I recall her cries, but I am certain that it wasn’t the result of what I was doing with her hair, at that moment we were well beyond the point of caring about little, insignificant physical pain.
I hoped that I had… performed adequately. Truth be told, I was too shocked and numb to even move, as she sneaked inside my room and after she had made her intentions clear. I did not ask her why she was here and she did not explain… we simply made love to each other. It was the first time I was with a woman, but I wasn’t nervous. No, not nervous… terrified would be a more correct description.
Yet she was so understanding, taking the initiative and doing everything to make me feel comfortable and relaxed. And after that… well, I only had to do, what I had already done to her thousands and thousands of times in my dreams and fantasies. And those cute, little gasps and moans that escaped her lips as she vainly tried to contain the pleasure she felt… I had never felt or heard anything so beautiful as the gratifying responses of my lover. At that moment, I understood that the only thing I really want in my life, is to love this woman, to please and satisfy her in any way I can…
I slowly weave the strand of her hair through my fingers, lost in my thoughts, reliving in my head that indescribable moment when she trembled in my hands and cried out when the pleasure became too much to bear… I slowly wrap the hair around my index finger… she loves me. The strand of hair makes another circle around my finger… she loves me not. Third circle… she does love me…
Fourth, fifth… eleventh, twelfth… sixteen… seventeen. She loves me.
I sink back into the soft pillows, feeling relieved, relaxed… happy? I guess so. I know that in order to be truly happy, I need her here, beside me, but… I still feel content. Somehow… somehow everything feels and looks different this morning… even here, in my room. I haven’t noticed the odd looking pictures of Balduran himself, hanging at the walls… I never noticed that the tapestries were in a light brown color, the window curtain in deep green, or the ceiling embellished with woodcarvings. And the freshly cut flowers in the vase on the table, no doubt placed there by an attention-seeking maid… they always had their eyes set for adventurers with pouches filled with gold coins. Was my vision so clouded that I did not notice all of this before? I suppose so…
She stayed with me for a while, after the lovemaking… I don’t know for how long, but not long enough, of that I am certain. I don’t think we actually spoke a word throughout the whole night, perhaps only in the heat of the passion. I did not know what to say and I was not sure what she expected me to say… so I kept quiet, fearing to say something that she might find inappropriate… and I didn’t want to spoil the moment or to push her away. I knew that she was feeling guilty… I… I was too happy to feel guilty, I suppose she was happy too… and perhaps that she was happy made her feel even guiltier than she already was.
I knew I shouldn’t have said those words, even as she rose from the bed to leave me… yet I did.
I told her that I love her.
She didn’t react well to hearing these words… No, her reaction was harsh… she slapped me on the cheek and it hurt. It hurt very much and I don’t mean the physical pain, but I understood her. Still, I had no idea as to why she chose to come to me in the first place. Unless, she really did love me…
I hear footsteps in the hall, it must be one of my companions, up already, so it would seem… Will I be able to pretend as if nothing had happened? What if they already know?
The thought of facing them… scares me… especially facing Khalid. I am unsure if I can find the strength and courage to look in his eyes, after all I… we have done.
Khalid, friend, I didn’t mean to… but that would be a lie, wouldn’t it? I had already betrayed him thousands and thousands of times in my dreams and fantasies… or that doesn’t count?
And I wish I could find some excuse for what we’ve done… but I see none, apart from two individuals unable to control their lust… though, at this point I was still unsure about Jaheira’s motivation.
I slowly crawl out of my bed and look into the mirror on the wall. Hmm… I suppose, I don’t look too bad… especially considering that this was not exactly a very peaceful night. However, that impish, self-satisfied and all-knowing grin has got to disappear from my face. Most definitely. I was in a really bad mood and sulking when I retired to the bed last night, and nothing that could have improved my mood so dramatically, should have happened overnight. I should try to look a bit indifferent… slightly troubled… let’s hope I can pull it off…
Half satisfied with my looks, I head out of the room to face my comrades who are most likely already having breakfast.
So far, so good, I note to myself, quietly conversing with my friends at the breakfast table in Elfsong. Imoen, Viconia and Edwin are debating about our plans for the day, as I see Khalid and Jaheira descending down the stairs… their hands linked as they join the table.
Well, I suppose that is normal, isn’t it? I mean… I can’t expect her to be cold or cruel to him, can I? And if I am honest, I am not sure what I expect from her…
“That was quite the noise coming from your room last night, Jaheira,” Viconia speaks suddenly and my heart almost leaps out of my mouth at her words. I see that Jaheira’s face has gone white as chalk and Khalid… Khalid is blushing furiously.
“Quite the contrast to the usual silence… if you get my meaning, jalil,” Viconia smirks and I finally understand. Her room is next to Khalid and Jaheira’s… and he is still quite red in the face, I see that Jaheira is looking at me, as if trying to apologize and explain.
I fight the urge to rise on my feet and call her a bitch, a filthy whore… but I calm down very quickly. I have nothing to blame her for - after all she is only doing her obligations of a loving wife by sleeping with her husband… I can’t really call her a whore for that, can I?
Yes, I suppose she was so filled with the guilt that she wanted to make up to him… but even then, thinking about it hurts. It really does… and I can’t but hate myself a bit for being too weak to reject her when she stood in front of me, offering her love, her body.
“Keep your mouth shut, drow,” Jaheira retorts, “our private matters are not for you to discuss!”
Viconia remains quiet, but the way she looks at me is… it is worrying me. What if her comment was not simply coincidental? No… I am very sure it wasn’t – Viconia doesn’t do a thing just by coincidence, she is always scheming something… but does she really knows about us… already?
I look at the drow, but the expression in her eyes is unreadable… I turn away, realizing that the concern and fear in my eyes could be very easy for her to read. This is going to be a hard day, I realize, wiping my mouth with a napkin and following my friends out of the inn.
That was a very hard day, indeed, is the dominant thought on my mind, as I sit at the table in the main hall of the Elfsong. Once again, I am all alone as my comrades have all turned in for the night… this time however, I am not sinking myself in ale, unlike only three days ago. And I won’t turn to the ale, since I need a clear head on my shoulders and I have to remain calm and rational through this…
I suppose, I maintained the ruse fairly well throughout the day, certainly I was not looking at Jaheira more often than usual. In fact it was she, who was acting… well, different than normally. Khalid did look fairly perplexed about the change in her attitude towards him, she was so warm and caring like I never saw her before. Yes, I know, she was driven by her terrible guilt, trying to atone to him, but… unwillingly, she was hurting me… a lot. But even then, I could not be angry with her.
Khalid didn’t seem to understand the reasons for such drastic changes, though I am sure he did make some guesses… and it probably won’t take him long to figure it out, he is no fool. Imoen and Edwin were totally clueless and ignorant of what was going on around them… Viconia… she behaved oddly.
For some strange reason, she was unexpectedly pleasant towards me and… and yet as I reluctantly tried to reply her with the same, I received abusive insults and even punches in return. I am too confused to even guess what that was all about, so I leave the table to return to my room. Perhaps a good night’s sleep will do me some good and I will be able to see things from a much more clearer perspective.
The hallway to my room is as dark as the deepest pits of hell and I drag my hand along the wall, in order not to bump into it. My room is the last one at the end of the corridor and it is almost as dark as the corridor itself, the moonlight that played on the bed and the two naked bodies in it, last night, has hidden itself behind the thick clouds.
I sigh and begin to undress myself without bothering to light up the room. As I sit on the bed to remove my boots, my hand lands on something… someone… warm, in my bed. I barely oppress the yelp, jumping out of the bed and it is enough to wake whoever has been snoozing in my bed. I quickly lit the candle and turn to see Jaheira, sitting on the edge of the bed and wiping the sleep out of her eyes.
“Jaheira? Is that… you, or am I hallucinating?” I whisper.
“It is me, don’t be foolish,” she says, “I came here to talk with you, but you were not here and I decided to wait for you. I must have fallen asleep.”
“Does… Khalid know…” I start only to be cut off abrupt.
“No, I left him sleeping. I came here to… to explain… and to make sure that you are not… that there are not any misunderstandings or hard feelings between us…”
“Why would there be, Jaheira?” I ask, even though I know what she means. I need to make sure if that really is the reason she has been waiting for me for god knows how long.
“I… I mean… I thought you might be hurt, by seeing… well… Khalid and… me,” I have never seen her so confused and fidgety as she stands now, before me.
“But you are married, Jaheira… you shouldn’t feel sorry if I get hurt by that. I mean… I am the one who acted wrongly,” I say, watching her face intently.
“No, you must not blame yourself, Theodur,” she speaks resolutely, grabbing my arm, “it was I, this all is my fault… I was foolish and weak… and… and I need you to understand that you are not to blame.”
“If you say so. What happens next, Jaheira?” I look at her.
“Next? There is no next, Theodur. Last night was a mistake, a lapse of my judgment… I am sorry for doing this to you, but I thought… well, regardless of what I thought, I hope that you understand that… that it cannot continue… and I hope that we… we can be… that there won’t be ill feelings between us, I would hate my foolishness to spoil the relationship we had before that night…” her words seem extremely disjointed for someone who I have used to see only stern, tough and self-assured…
I am very surprised that I can keep my composure and remain calm, given that in similar circumstances last night, I had already turned into a ‘drooling simian’ as Edwin would have so eloquently put it. Perhaps, that is because I am so assured of her feelings towards me… I don’t know why, but I believe that she does love me, even if I see that she is very determined not to admit it. I suppose, that I must be clever enough to drag it out of her, then…
“So you propose that we simply strip the last night from our memories, Jaheira? To pretend that it never happened? You know well enough that I can’t do that,” I say.
“Theodur, but you must! For… for your own good,” she clutches my arm and looks at me pleadingly.
“Jaheira, I can’t accept that… after you have allowed me to find out how beautiful it is to love you… you can’t push me away. Especially, if you are so concerned about what is good for me… you are good for me,” I draw her closer, but she frees herself from my embrace and jumps a few paces back.
“Please, you must listen to me…” she starts again, but this time I don’t allow her to finish.
“Jaheira… one easy question… do you love me?” I look into her eyes, trying to discern the truth in those bottomless depths of her gaze…
“I… I can’t…” she turns away from me to walk out of the room.
“Hold on… I have one last question… do you not love me, then?” I look at her, my heart is bumping and leaping in my chest as I hold my breath, dreading to hear the words that could shatter my whole life.
Silence. Even more silence, as she looks into my eyes and then lets her gaze drop down as she faces the floor.
“You can’t say those words, Jaheira,” I whisper, drawing her closer and it seems that she has lost all the strength to fight back as she allows me to gently embrace her.
“I don’t know what to do, Jaheira… I really don’t. And if I thought that forgetting the last night would be the right solution, then I would agree with you… but I don’t think it is the right thing to do. And I know that you feel the same way,” I gently kiss her forehead, before continuing, “all I know is that… I need you… I love you.”
“Theodur…” she sighs quietly, seemingly giving up on her struggle.
“Please, stay with me… let me love you tonight, Jaheira,” I lean closer to kiss her.
“I… I hate you, Theodur…” she whispers, before answering my kiss. And at this moment we both realize what we knew already… there is no way back.
