Wow! I'm so relieved that everybody liked the first chapter. It's especially gratifying to get favorable comments from people whose writing I admire.
I'm not going to keep up a chapter-a-day pace, I know that, but I was so encouraged by the kind response that I was inspired to write chapter two. I hope it's as good as the first part was.
_____________________________
__________________________
Maintaining the Balance
“Im…Where are we?” Tansy was keeping close to her sister, both of them peering ahead, into the gloom.
“I dunno. Someplace underground, I think.”
“What about…the others? We were…We were traveling with…someone…weren’t we?” I remember…someone…a woman… Chestnut hair and a face, glaring but with love in the eyes swam up from her memory. “J…Jaheira?”
“Jaheira, yes…and Khalid, Dynaheir, and Minsc.”
“Are they…here?” Did he hurt them, too?
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
*****
One room away, they found light. A table, yielding weapons, sat in the middle of the room, watched over by a Golem. They checked at the door, but the huge construct did nothing except stare blankly ahead.
The weapons were crude, and looked as if they’d fall apart the first time they were used, but it was comforting to have something solid on which to depend. Leaning slightly on her spear, Tansy watched as Imoen examined something on the table.
“Look, it’s a key. I wonder what it’s supposed to be for? There isn’t another door in here...”
“Maybe we should keep it. It might be important.”
“Yeah, maybe. Well, this obviously isn’t the way out. We should go back to that other room and see if there’s another door. Maybe that’s what this key is for.”
*****
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
Two of the cages, however were occupied. Minsc and Jaheira, though thinner and paler than they had been, were in much better shape than either Tansy or Imoen.
The key Imoen had discovered easily opened the door to Jaheira’s cage. Minsc’s cell was a bit more difficult, having been welded shut; eventually, however, Minsc’s tremendous strength prevailed. The hinges were twisted and bent beyond repair.
After Minsc had proceeded to crush both Imoen and Tansy half to death with his enthusiastic hugs, and after they had all been subjected to a critical examination by Jaheira, they resumed their search of the room.
Tucked away in a corner, they found a doorway leading into a dim hallway.
*****
“What in the hells is that thing?” Tansy had been startled when, upon entering the room at the end of the hall, a large, crystalline machine had spat out several bolts of electricity. From each bolt, a small, ugly creature with leathery wings and oddly glowing yellow eyes had materialized, and wasted no time in trying to kill her.
She managed to fend them off with her spear, and Minsc was mowing them down like nobody’s business, but it seemed that, no matter how many were killed, there was always one more waiting to sink its teeth into an unwary prisoner. To compound matters, they had a nasty habit of shocking you when you least expected it, and everyone was rapidly tiring.
“It’s the machine,” Imoen called. “Every time it shoots out a bolt, a new…thing…appears! Hey, what’s this switch do?” Curiously, she tugged the large lever back.
The lightning machine crackled loudly once or twice, but no more of the ugly little monsters appeared, which was good. The machine continued to hum and buzz, but in a much more subdued tone.
Tansy sagged against the wall, nursing a sore shoulder and looking around at her companions. Jaheira was bleeding from gashes on her arms and face, Imoen had a few burns to add to her collections of scars and injuries, and Minsc…Well, Minsc was in pretty good shape, actually.
“Well, where do we go from here?” Imoen wondered.
“Perhaps through this door?” Jaheira suggested wryly, motioning to the opening behind her.
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”
Maintaining the Balance--Chapter the Second
Started by
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
, Jul 28 2003 10:50 PM
13 replies to this topic
#2
Guest_ShadowHunter_*
Guest_ShadowHunter_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 01:49 AM
Wow! I'm so relieved that everybody liked the first chapter. It's especially gratifying to get favorable comments from people whose writing I admire.
i beleive you are mistaken in admireingme...
I'm not going to keep up a chapter-a-day pace, I know that, but I was so encouraged by the kind response that I was inspired to write chapter two. I hope it's as good as the first part was.
_____________________________
__________________________
Maintaining the Balance
“Im…Where are we?” Tansy was keeping close to her sister, both of them peering ahead, into the gloom.
“I dunno. Someplace underground, I think.”
“What about…the others? We were…We were traveling with…someone…weren’t we?” I remember…someone…a woman… Chestnut hair and a face, glaring but with love in the eyes swam up from her memory. “J…Jaheira?”
“Jaheira, yes…and Khalid, Dynaheir, and Minsc.”
“Are they…here?” Did he hurt them, too?
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
so sacrificial....
*****
One room away, they found light. A table, yielding weapons, sat in the middle of the room, watched over by a Golem. They checked at the door, but the huge construct did nothing except stare blankly ahead.
The weapons were crude, and looked as if they’d fall apart the first time they were used, but it was comforting to have something solid on which to depend. Leaning slightly on her spear, Tansy watched as Imoen examined something on the table.
“Look, it’s a key. I wonder what it’s supposed to be for? There isn’t another door in here...”
“Maybe we should keep it. It might be important.”
“Yeah, maybe. Well, this obviously isn’t the way out. We should go back to that other room and see if there’s another door. Maybe that’s what this key is for.”
two sisters, putten their heads together!
*****
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
yummmm!!!!!!!
Two of the cages, however were occupied. Minsc and Jaheira, though thinner and paler than they had been, were in much better shape than either Tansy or Imoen.
The key Imoen had discovered easily opened the door to Jaheira’s cage. Minsc’s cell was a bit more difficult, having been welded shut; eventually, however, Minsc’s tremendous strength prevailed. The hinges were twisted and bent beyond repair.
After Minsc had proceeded to crush both Imoen and Tansy half to death with his enthusiastic hugs, and after they had all been subjected to a critical examination by Jaheira, they resumed their search of the room.
Tucked away in a corner, they found a doorway leading into a dim hallway.
*****
“What in the hells is that thing?” Tansy had been startled when, upon entering the room at the end of the hall, a large, crystalline machine had spat out several bolts of electricity. From each bolt, a small, ugly creature with leathery wings and oddly glowing yellow eyes had materialized, and wasted no time in trying to kill her.
She managed to fend them off with her spear, and Minsc was mowing them down like nobody’s business, but it seemed that, no matter how many were killed, there was always one more waiting to sink its teeth into an unwary prisoner. To compound matters, they had a nasty habit of shocking you when you least expected it, and everyone was rapidly tiring.
go minsc!!!
“It’s the machine,” Imoen called. “Every time it shoots out a bolt, a new…thing…appears! Hey, what’s this switch do?” Curiously, she tugged the large lever back.
shes a genious...
The lightning machine crackled loudly once or twice, but no more of the ugly little monsters appeared, which was good. The machine continued to hum and buzz, but in a much more subdued tone.
Tansy sagged against the wall, nursing a sore shoulder and looking around at her companions. Jaheira was bleeding from gashes on her arms and face, Imoen had a few burns to add to her collections of scars and injuries, and Minsc…Well, Minsc was in pretty good shape, actually.
“Well, where do we go from here?” Imoen wondered.
“Perhaps through this door?” Jaheira suggested wryly, motioning to the opening behind her.
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”
good story. i like it. keep on rollin, you have reat potential, my freind...
-sh
#3
Laufey
-
- Moderators
-
- 18306 posts
Transcendant
Posted 29 July 2003 - 05:05 AM
“Jaheira, yes…and Khalid, Dynaheir, and Minsc.”
“Are they…here?” Did he hurt them, too?
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
I'm afraid so.
The weapons were crude, and looked as if they’d fall apart the first time they were used, but it was comforting to have something solid on which to depend. Leaning slightly on her spear, Tansy watched as Imoen examined something on the table.
“Look, it’s a key. I wonder what it’s supposed to be for? There isn’t another door in here...”
“Maybe we should keep it. It might be important.”
Rini: Always keep any odd item you come across, sis...
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
Brrrr...
After Minsc had proceeded to crush both Imoen and Tansy half to death with his enthusiastic hugs, and after they had all been subjected to a critical examination by Jaheira, they resumed their search of the room.
You summed this part up well. Irenicus' dungeon is like that, we've all played it so many times that it's almost necessary to summarize certain parts for the sake of the reader, and the tricky thing is deciding which parts have to be left it.
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”
Time for the genie then.
Yep, still liking the story.
Rogues do it from behind.
#4
Guest_Theodur_*
Guest_Theodur_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 06:07 AM
“Look, it’s a key. I wonder what it’s supposed to be for? There isn’t another door in here...”
“Maybe we should keep it. It might be important.”
“Yeah, maybe. Well, this obviously isn’t the way out. We should go back to that other room and see if there’s another door. Maybe that’s what this key is for.”
Theo: Oh! That's the *most* important key I've ever came across...
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
Ewww... was that supposed to be poor Dynaheir?
Two of the cages, however were occupied. Minsc and Jaheira, though thinner and paler than they had been, were in much better shape than either Tansy or Imoen.
Yep, but Jaheira will be in a very bad shape before soon...
Tansy sagged against the wall, nursing a sore shoulder and looking around at her companions. Jaheira was bleeding from gashes on her arms and face, Imoen had a few burns to add to her collections of scars and injuries, and Minsc…Well, Minsc was in pretty good shape, actually.
Ouch! I remember not spotting that switch myself the first time I played through - I always run like crazy past that machine...
“Perhaps through this door?” Jaheira suggested wryly, motioning to the opening behind her.
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”
Hehe... yes, I like this very much - instead of using the in-game dialogues with for example Jaheira and Minsc freeing scene, you added a very nice summary and the rest of the dialogues were original and I find the characterization to be very good!
#5
Guest_Userunfriendly_*
Guest_Userunfriendly_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 06:43 AM
I really like how you're keeping the tempo going, and keeping the flow of the story fairly fast paced, but not too fast so we feel things in a blur....really a hard thing to do, either gloss over most of chapter one, or simply agonize about every single room in chateau irenicus, thereby bogging the story down so that it drags on.....and on....and on.....
its interesting that you did not show how imoen reacted to mr skinless...one would think she would have had a much more violent reaction than tansy...
hey, ever notice how most of us who write in jaheira usually pick the wry smarty pants with major mondo doses of maternalistic tendencies?
I've got to write one where she gets totally trashed, and completely lets her hair down...definately a flashback, since I can't see her unwinding since khalid...
good episode...now comes the hard part, fleshing in your characters...making them much more distinctive and concrete in your mind, and making them more real to you...
its interesting that you did not show how imoen reacted to mr skinless...one would think she would have had a much more violent reaction than tansy...
hey, ever notice how most of us who write in jaheira usually pick the wry smarty pants with major mondo doses of maternalistic tendencies?
I've got to write one where she gets totally trashed, and completely lets her hair down...definately a flashback, since I can't see her unwinding since khalid...
good episode...now comes the hard part, fleshing in your characters...making them much more distinctive and concrete in your mind, and making them more real to you...
#6
Guest_Theodur_*
Guest_Theodur_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 07:32 AM
hey, ever notice how most of us who write in jaheira usually pick the wry smarty pants with major mondo doses of maternalistic tendencies?
I've got to write one where she gets totally trashed, and completely lets her hair down...definately a flashback, since I can't see her unwinding since khalid...
Perhaps, but if everybody would subscribe to that take on Jaheira it would be extremely boring, imo - I also think that Jaheira has a strong maternal streak, but I never attributed that to her feelings towards the PC (especially male PC). Notice that Jaheira never calls the PC child in the game.
Many also seem to think that maternal also means - boring, humorless, etc... well, I definitely don't see it that way and I write her accordingly.
Have to confess that I never could imagine Jaheira as a substitute mother to the PC, following every step of his/hers, nagging, cracking her whip on his/hers back and calling him/her disobediant child. To a female PC I always imagined her as a supportive, big sister and to male PC... well, they have the chance to discover her more intimate and passionate side which I see in her and develop more in my story...
Different interpretation makes it more fun, right?
#7
Guest_Hunter_*
Guest_Hunter_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 12:38 PM
“Im…Where are we?” Tansy was keeping close to her sister, both of them peering ahead, into the gloom.
[/quote]
As if she would know.
[quote]
“I dunno. Someplace underground, I think.”
[/quote]
nice going sherlock.
[quote]
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
[/quote]
Perhaps that was dynaheir. We never learned what happened to her.
[quote]
“What in the hells is that thing?” Tansy had been startled when, upon entering the room at the end of the hall, a large, crystalline machine had spat out several bolts of electricity. From each bolt, a small, ugly creature with leathery wings and oddly glowing yellow eyes had materialized, and wasted no time in trying to kill her.
[/quote]
A mephit dispenser.
[quote]
The lightning machine crackled loudly once or twice, but no more of the ugly little monsters appeared, which was good. The machine continued to hum and buzz, but in a much more subdued tone.
[/quote]
lucky for her that it wasn't the self destruction button.
[quote]
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”[/quote]
Even jaheira can make a joke
Hunter
[/quote]
As if she would know.
[quote]
“I dunno. Someplace underground, I think.”
[/quote]
nice going sherlock.
[quote]
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
[/quote]
Perhaps that was dynaheir. We never learned what happened to her.
[quote]
“What in the hells is that thing?” Tansy had been startled when, upon entering the room at the end of the hall, a large, crystalline machine had spat out several bolts of electricity. From each bolt, a small, ugly creature with leathery wings and oddly glowing yellow eyes had materialized, and wasted no time in trying to kill her.
[/quote]
A mephit dispenser.
[quote]
The lightning machine crackled loudly once or twice, but no more of the ugly little monsters appeared, which was good. The machine continued to hum and buzz, but in a much more subdued tone.
[/quote]
lucky for her that it wasn't the self destruction button.
[quote]
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”[/quote]
Even jaheira can make a jokeHunter
#9
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 04:53 PM
Yeah, you never know when that mummified Lich toe may come in handy.Rini: Always keep any odd item you come across, sis...
Brrrr...
Have you ever really looked at the cage across from where the PC is stuck? It looks like someone's spleen in there!
You summed this part up well. Irenicus' dungeon is like that, we've all played it so many times that it's almost necessary to summarize certain parts for the sake of the reader, and the tricky thing is deciding which parts have to be left it.
Yeah, I was worried I should have done something more dramatic, but I just couldn't think of anything that hasn't been done.
Time for the genie then.
Yup.
Yep, still liking the story.
Yay! I know this chapter wasn't very exciting, but hopefully it'll get better.
#10
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 05:03 PM
Ewww... was that supposed to be poor Dynaheir?
Eesh..I didn't even think of that...
Yep, but Jaheira will be in a very bad shape before soon...
I know...I was so sad when I found out they killed off Khalid.
Ouch! I remember not spotting that switch myself the first time I played through - I always run like crazy past that machine...
Well, I have "Dungeon-Be-Gone" now (best thing I ever downloaded), but I always send Minsc in to hit the switch; he's my tank.
Hehe... yes, I like this very much - instead of using the in-game dialogues with for example Jaheira and Minsc freeing scene, you added a very nice summary and the rest of the dialogues were original and I find the characterization to be very good!
Thanks. I was a little nervous about that particular scene, but I couldn't think of any original way to write it, so I tried to sort of gloss over it. As for the dialogues, I didn't think they were that good, but I'm glad you liked them.
#11
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 05:15 PM
I really like how you're keeping the tempo going, and keeping the flow of the story fairly fast paced, but not too fast so we feel things in a blur....really a hard thing to do, either gloss over most of chapter one, or simply agonize about every single room in chateau irenicus, thereby bogging the story down so that it drags on.....and on....and on.....
Thanks. I'll probably slow down once they get out of the dungeon, but I'm really sick of Chateau Irenicus, so I'm kind of hurrying them through.
its interesting that you did not show how imoen reacted to mr skinless...one would think she would have had a much more violent reaction than tansy...
How do you know she even saw it?
Tansy is a half-elf--she can see better in the dark than Immy.hey, ever notice how most of us who write in jaheira usually pick the wry smarty pants with major mondo doses of maternalistic tendencies?
Yes, but I think that's because she just seems to be that kind of person. I never did the Jaheira romance, for two reasons. First, because I like Khalid, and I think he was best suited to her, and second because, to me, it'd be like hitting on somebody's mom. Jaheira, to me, is the sensible older female. Surrogate mother, or big sister, or a female mentor, that's how I view her.
good episode...now comes the hard part, fleshing in your characters...making them much more distinctive and concrete in your mind, and making them more real to you...
Thank you! I already have some of the characterizations in my mind, so that won't be too hard...Assuming the story doesn't twist and morph itself into something really strange, as my writing so often does.
#12
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
-
- Guests
Posted 29 July 2003 - 05:21 PM
Perhaps that was dynaheir. We never learned what happened to her.
I think I heard somewhere that Bodhi killed her.
lucky for her that it wasn't the self destruction button.
Lol.
Sure. Personally, I think Jaheira has a great sense of humor. Sarcastic (which is how I am), but not as nasty as, say, Edwin.
#13
Weyoun
-
- Members
- 11272 posts
Transcendant
Posted 29 July 2003 - 07:15 PM
“What about…the others? We were…We were traveling with…someone…weren’t we?” I remember…someone…a woman… Chestnut hair and a face, glaring but with love in the eyes swam up from her memory. “J…Jaheira?”
“Jaheira, yes…and Khalid, Dynaheir, and Minsc.”
“Are they…here?” Did he hurt them, too?
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
*sniff* Dynaheir.
“Maybe we should keep it. It might be important.”
“Yeah, maybe. Well, this obviously isn’t the way out. We should go back to that other room and see if there’s another door. Maybe that’s what this key is for.”
Hey, if you find a key when trapped in a dungeon, hanging onto it is a smart idea.
Upon exploration, it turned out that the room where Tansy had been kept was much larger than it had seemed. It contained other cages, most of them empty. One of them held what looked to have once been a human. It had apparently been flayed alive. Tansy had had to turn away and vomit.
Errghh... Poor Tansy... and poor whoever was in that cage.
“It’s the machine,” Imoen called. “Every time it shoots out a bolt, a new…thing…appears! Hey, what’s this switch do?” Curiously, she tugged the large lever back.
Good one, Im! It pays to be curious.
“Oh…uh, yup, that’d work!”
LOL! Keeping up the spirit!
Great stuff,
---Weyoun
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers
---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.
Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!
---
"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi
---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.
Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!
---
"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi
#14
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*
-
- Guests
Posted 30 July 2003 - 02:16 AM
[quote name="Weyoun"]
Hey, if you find a key when trapped in a dungeon, hanging onto it is a smart idea.
[quote]
Definitely.
[quote]
Good one, Im! It pays to be curious.
[/quote]
Well, not always. But in this case, yep.
[quote]
Great stuff,
---Weyoun[/quote]
Thanks!
Hey, if you find a key when trapped in a dungeon, hanging onto it is a smart idea.
[quote]
Definitely.
[quote]
Good one, Im! It pays to be curious.
[/quote]
Well, not always. But in this case, yep.
[quote]
Great stuff,
---Weyoun[/quote]
Thanks!
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users
