Hello Cthulhu #21

The party had been in non-stop fight mode for most of a fortnight. After killing an ancient and extremely powerful dragon, they dealt with the astral prison, and the good-bye of a valued and trusted friend. Even Viconia admitted she kinda missed Keldorn. Nobody really missed Haer.

As the party left Keldorn's estates to head for some liquid refreshments at Hendak's, they were approached by a little boy.

"Excuse me sir, are you Adventurers???" asked Delon, to Minsc.

The party had settled down at the Copper Coronet for good food and many, many drinks. The amount of tension that needed to be released had gotten really, really bad. The party needed to get drunk and not think about just how close they were to being killed by Firkraag, and the raving lunatic situation they found in the astral prison.

As the party settled down, took the weight off their aching feet, and prepared to order a huge meal, a dwarven warrior in full plate stumped up to them.

"Avast and wassail! I see ye be a right scallawag band of cutthroats and widow makers. I've a profitable proposal for ye." said the cheerful voice under the horned helm.

"And who might you be?" asked Hellocthul. The party had tensed for a second as the stranger came up, ready for trouble. The dwarf's cheerful tones and possible quest in his words made them relax a trifle, but they remained wary.

"Me name be Korgan Bloodaxe, and I recon by the looks of yer equipment and gear ye be a competent band of freebooters." said Korgan. When the party first entered the tavern, Korgan had noted the red dragon plate and the Kuran-Tur two sword rig. Unlike the wanna-be's and green amateurs who wanted to look "bad-ass" by buying platemail made to copy armor forged from the scales of a dragon, Viconia's armor was quite real. He could clearly see the growth striations and "banding" of real dragon scale, and unlike the pretend blademasters who wore two swords, only the real thing would wear a Kuran-Tur two sword harness. These be professional, unlike the other laughable "adventurers" he had seen in the tavern tonight. He wanted competent and experienced help in paying Shagbag back.

"Korgan Bloodaxe! A Bloodaxe, eh? Any relation to Killian Bloodaxe?" Hellocthul sat up straight and took immediate notice. This stranger could be a relative of her old and beloved weapons and tactics master.

"Aye, he's me nuncle on me muther's side. How does a long-limbed tree hugging elfie know the name of me uncle?" said Korgan with surprise.

A slow smile grew to a huge cheery grin on Hellocthul's face. She roughened her voice, and spoke in gruff and leathery tones. "A question? Yer blasted web-footed gnome with stilts! This will learn ye to bother me with yer sodding bleeding troll-shagging questions! Ten laps round yer keep! And mind ye keep yer elbows from flapping like a sodding chicken this time!"

"OY! You knows me uncle! That be 'im! How did ye know me nuncle? Last I 'erd he be doing his memoirs at a place called Candlekeep!" said Korgan, completely astonished.

"Well, here, pull up a chair, Korgan, and bring your tankard. Your uncle was my weapons and tactics master at Candlekeep." said Hellocthul with a smile. It really was a small world, she thought.

The rest of the evening was lost in a haze of ale fumes and very loud, drunken dwarven laughter. After Korgan detailed how his previous party tried to cheat him for a proper share of a commission for Lord Pimlico, the book collector, he was welcomed aboard the party in proper dwarven tradition...many tankards of strong dwarven ale. Hellocthul decided that they could take some time out tomorrow to help out Korgan with his little problem, then head out of the city to visit the Umar hills. It was obvious to her, with her experience with dwarves, that while the loss of the gold annoyed Korgan, he was really after payback on his former comrades.

The real highlight of the evening came when Korgan demonstrated his "spell". Things had progressed to the point where Hellocthul, Korgan, Minsc and Jan were seriously drunk, while the other girls and Yoshimo were pleasantly tipsy. Hellocthul had just told Korgan that there were two mages in the party, and herself, a sorceress and kensai. After muttering something about "bleeding third edition rules", he declared in a loud voice he too could cast a magic spell. He grabbed the candle from the table, held it behind his back, near his seat, bent at the waist, and let fly with a gigantic fart.

"Fire in the 'Ole!!!" he shouted with glee. A large and quite impressive fireball erupted out of his pants, and ignited the hair of a very handsome male elf who had approached the party table.

"Ah! Beautiful vision of elfin grace! A maiden shaped like a goddess! Come, let me relieve you of the burden of your chastity and initiate you into the mysteries of man and wom...AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! " Salavas screamed and ran out of the Copper Coronet, his hair and eyebrows charred and smoking.

A few minutes later, after Hellocthul finally managed to stop laughing, she asked "Who the frick was that?"

Nalia answered through her giggles and hiccups. "Its that elf gigolo, the one who thinks he's the gods' gift to all women? You remember, honey, he tried to pick you up the first day we met? The one you tossed out the door after kicking him in the urm...privates?"

"Korgy, me boyo, welcome aboard!"

The next morning, half the party woke up grumpy and hung over, while the other half woke up annoyingly chipper.

As they headed for the graveyard, they met a woman named Valen.

"Hello there, I've a fine bit of business to impart your way..." said a woman wearing a dark cloak with her hood drawn over her face.

"Let's see your face, and tell us your name first." said Jaheira. She felt her hackles tensing with warning.

The woman drew back her hood, revealing a very pale human woman with dark brown hair, and her neck covered by a black kerchief. "My name isn't important, though if you must know it is Valen. I ask you to meet with my mistress in the graveyards to hear her offer. Her words are wise and thoughtful, and I urge all speed lest you lose the opportunity to benefit from her counsel. Come to the tombs when the sun has set, for she will not be there, else." said Valen.

"Grab her!" muttered Hellocthul, in a voice too low for humans to hear. Viconia and Jaheira grabbed her arms in a flash, and a vicious rage flashed across Valen's face. Her snarl of animal fury made the other members of the party partially draw their weapons.

Hellocthul stepped up to her, and pressed a dagger to her neck. She ripped off the kerchief from the unmoving woman, revealing two puncture marks on her neck. She grabbed the cursing Valen by her hair, and forced it down, revealing a strange glyph tatooed behind her head.

"A vampire's pet and tool. See the glyph? It means that she is the property of a master vampire, and no other may harvest from her. A woman who willingly serves the undead in hopes that in time she too will join their ranks. Let her go, that she may report her complete failure and that she has revealed to us what her mistress is. Perhapse, my dear Valen, it might be wisest for you to flee the city entirely lest your mistress punish you for your incompetence." said Hellocthul in a disgusted and weary voice.

Valen took a step back, and sheer horror and terror flashed across her face. She ran away from the party, and a long wail of anguish and loss came from her.

"I wonder if she can flee in time. One can only hope." said Jaheira.

"Fear can lend wings even to the slowest. Pfeh! A lickspittle to the undead. I had not thought even surface scum could sink so low." said Viconia with distaste.

The party continued on, and were soon at the graveyard district. They found the entrace Korgan remembered, and were soon in the tunnel complex under the tombs and mausoleums on the surface. They encountered Pai'na in her lair, and a quick abi-dahzim's horrid wilting by Hellocthul disposed of her and the tamed spiders. Viconia emerged from the battle shaking and obviously furious over her display of weakness before the rest of the party. Hellocthul tossed her the spider figurine for summoning Khittix. Viconia tied the small jet statuette to her belt, pleased at being able to show she was already conquering her fear of Lolth's minions. Besides, she knew that Khittix served the mistress of the statue, and knew best the ways that an astral spider could be the most useful.

At the mosaic room, with the huge picture of some ancient wight on the floor, Jaheira's detect evil spell revealed the presense of dozens of undead, including the expected vampires. Korgan, Jaheira and Hellocthul took the front, as Viconia's turn undead ability instantly made some of the attacking undead turn on their fellows. Viconia's false dawn blinded most of the attacking mummys, skeleton warriors and vampires, and they were easily hewed down by swords, axes, and fire arrows and enchanted bolts. The party moved on to find the tomb Korgan has spoke of, empty and looted.

"OY! That cheating orc-shagging, troll-faced piece of &^$#@@%!!!" Korgan swore for over two minutes continuously, making Nalia blush several times. He then led them to the Pimlico estates in the temple district, where they found the corpse of the book collector, and the entire place looted of all valuables. Korgan then led the way to the Copper Coronet, where Shagbag and his toadies had a place. Along the way, Jan tried to cheer up the cursing and furious dwarf.

"Say, your worship (snicker) did I tell you about my cousin Sabaro Jansen? The transvestite pirate and mage? Poor laddie, he is something of a family misfit..." said Jan.

"A transvestite pirate and mage?" asked Nalia with a confused look.

Hellocthul muttered to Jaheira, "A member of the Jansens called a misfit by another Jansen. Now I am really getting scared." Jaheira nodded in agreement.

"Yes, you see not only is he a pirate who likes to wear ahem...garments that express his feminine side, I'm afraid he is something of an exhibitionist as well. And the devices he makes! Why, even though they are original and interesting in construction and power, he has a tendency to use voice and gesture triggers, of ahem...ahem...an embarressing nature. One wand he created that threw explosive soap bubbles in a spray was triggered by spintwirlbouncing and shouting 'Celestial Lunar Cosmic Moonbeam'. Not a single turnip reference anywhere, poor laddie. Anyhu, he is something of a sight, wearing this blue and white female sailor suit, and dark blue pleated short skirt, with his long blonde hair bound up in two rings of braids, one on either side of his head. I did mention before that gnomes don't have the legs to wear short skirts, didn't I?" asked Jan.

"Urm, urm, urm..." replied Hellocthul.

"So you can imagine the shock effect he has when his ship 'The Tuxedo Mask' pulls up to board another ship in the high seas. Finally, there is his exhibitionistic side. I did mention that, didn't I?" said Jan.

"Urm, urm, urm..." said Nalia.

"Well, I'm afraid the poor laddie likes to drop his underwear, and flip up the back of his skirt to show his backside to the enemy. That's how he got his nickname you see. He's the one called Sailor Moon." said Jan.

"OY! Does 'e do that often?" Korgan asked in a low voice.

"Every chance he gets, I'm afraid." said Hellocthul, trying to shake the image out of her head.

The party arrived at Shagbag's digs atop the Copper Coronet. Soon Korgan's gleeful warcries and shouts of "OY!!" filled the air as Shagbag's hired scum were put down.

Korgan was happily counting the loot they took from Shagbag. And occasionally patting his new enchanted throwing axe that Hellocthul had issued him, with which he chopped Shagbag's head clean off. After the loot was counted and tucked away in their packs, the party headed for their digs at the Inn of the Seven Vales to pick up their camping gear, and after a quick celebratory shopping trip to the Adventurer's Mart, to head for the stables. Hellocthul kept the book of Kaza they looted, since it was written in Arcane Nethril, a language only she had any hope of deciphering.

"OY! A dwarven thrower! Look at the runes to Clangeddin and the Soul Forger himself on the handle! This would make a fine weapon to use against giants and golems..." said Korgan, holding up an enchanted hammer with a hopeful look in his eye.

Jaheira spoke up. "You did say, child, that we have been running into a lot of golems lately? There were those at De' Arnise, and the ones in the Windspear hills. An enchanted throwing hammer would have been very useful indeed."

"Nally, hon, how much gold have we got?" asked Hellocthul.

"Urm, 25 and change." said Nalia.

"Ok, Korgy. Let's hope the Umar job pays well. Jae and I think we should shoot for around 30 thousand before we head off to visit Aran Linvale. We only need 20, but we probably will need some gold in case we have to bribe people. Not everything can be solved with a 'skullbreaker' to the noggin." said Hellocthul with a grin. Korgan looked offended, and was about to start protesting, but simply clutched his new hammer possessively.

Korgan went over to the target stands set up in the Adventurer's Mart in the back, while Nalia was looking over the helms on the floor display. She found a dusty and rather beat up old helm, that glowed brightly to her mage sight, just as Korgan wound up his arm, and let fly with his hammer.

"OY!!! %$#@*&^!!!" screamed Korgan as the hammer grabbed him by the arm, threw him across the room! His flailing arms deflected his trajectory, so instead of hitting the target with his helm, his horned helmet and head conked the refuse barrel sitting next to the target dummys lining the wall. With a massive crash, the thrown dwarf smashed the barrel, and knocked himself out cold.

When Korgan woke up, he found Viconia administering a healing spell on him, while an apologetic Ribaud was shooting dirty looks at an embarressed Deirdre, who was suppose to detect any cursed items brought in by adventurers into the Mart. The rest of the party were still giggling. Korgan spat out the skeleton and head of a fish out of his mouth, and exclaimed "Wot the hell is a fish-head be doing in me mouth? And where's me hammer???!!!"

Hellocthul grinned suddenly, and tried to control herself. Giving up as a lost cause, she started singing.

"Fish-heads, fish-heads, roly-poly fish-heads!" sang Hellocthul with laughter in her voice.

"Fish-heads, fish-heads, eat them up, YUM!" finished Nalia, who then collapsed in a giggle fit.

"Sorry, Korgan, that dwarven thrower was an ELVEN dwarven thrower. A cursed weapon, made by elves to look like it was forged by dwarves, but instead of being an enchanted throwing hammer for dwarves, it throws the dwarf at the target. Sorry, Korgy." said Hellocthul as she helped the still dazed Korgan get off the floor.

As they left the Adventurer's Mart, Nalia grabbed his horned helm off Korgan's head, and clapped a different helm she had bought on the depressed berserker's head.

"Look, Korgan, I did found something for you! A helm of simulacrium! It was lying among substandard and broken gear in the bargin bins! Nobody had thought to check it under a powerful identify spell!" The helm fit perfectly, and Nalia pressed a small stud set on the helm's forehead.

An exact duplicate of Korgan appeared next to him, with a glowing letter "S" on the forehead. As the still dazed dwarf looked at his exact double, it bent it's head, took a sniff at the original Korgan's beard, and spoke.

"Me bleeding beard stinks of fish! Wot the sodding 'ell did ye have to pick up a stinkin' tree-hugger cursed weapon for? Did yer brains boil out of yer ears from days of drinking the swill they sell at the Coronet? And yer momma dresses yer funny!" said the duplicate Korgan.

The next few minutes Minsc and Yoshimo held the duplicate apart from the real Korgan, who was restrained by Hellocthul and Jaheira. Both were swearing up a storm, and inbetween the cursing and death threats they shouted at each other, they were trying to use their weapons on each other. Fortunately, after a few minutes, the duplicate popped out of existance.

"WHEW! I think, Korgan, you'd better use that helm only in combat, when you and your double have someone or something to whack. And the Umar Hills seems to be full of whackables." said Hellocthul with a grin.

"Aye! Lassie, that be the most obnoxious and antagonistic oaf I've met in a long time." said Korgan cheerfully. A little rough-house, and the prospect of bashing something seemed to brighten his mood tremendously.

"Urm, Korgan, that was your exact double, you know..." said Nalia in a small voice.

Hellocthul with an impish grin covered her mouth with her lips, and Nalia completely forgot what she was going to say.

"Urm..." began Jaheira.

"Children, breathe!" said the rest of the party in a chorus.