Hello Cthulhu #20

http://www.gamejag.c...index.php?name= ... 23a6e5c975

Hi!!! This episode of Hello Cthulhu is based on the link above. Please read the linked thread before reading the story. If you read the link, you find out that the very talented and excellent actor, Hugh Weaving played Agent Smith in "Matrix", Elrond in "Lord of the Rings", and had a part in "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert". Somehow, I could not get this mental image of all three of his roles being combined into one character out of my mind. I really think Hugh Weaving is a good actor, and this story is not meant to demean him or insult him in any way. On the other hand, Haer Dalis' gets a little bashed in this episode. Thanks for reading, and please comment. Oh, and if the little musical scene in the middle of this episode drives you perminently insane, don't worry, no one here will notice anyway.

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Once they reached Athlanka, the party headed back to the Inn of the Seven Vales for baths, and a night's sleep. The next day, the party did a lot of shopping, and sold quite a bit of extra gear. They visited Cromwell and Viconia placed an order for Red Dragon Platemail Armor. Riff was able to upgrade the Aegir's Hide Armor with a scroll of protection from the elements.

"Ok, Haer, time to go visit your friend." Hellocthul said.

"After we take care of Haer's return, may we see my family? I have not seen them in almost a year." Keldorn said.

"Your family? They live in Athlanka? Of course! You should have spoken up earlier, Keldorn." said Hellocthul.

"Thank you, my friend." replied Keldorn.

They return Haer Dalis' to Raelis Shai. She was overjoyed to see the bard, but Hellocthul breaths a sigh of relief. Things have been tense while the disobedient bard was in the company. The other members of the party knew that the reason why Haer was being kicked out of the party was due to his disregard of orders in a combat situation, but Haer persisted in believing he had done nothing wrong. He somehow convinced himself that Hellocthul was beginning to be attracted to him, and that it was Nalia's jelousy that forced Hellocthul to kick him out. He even tried to convince the others of his point of view, with a notable lack of success. The other members of the party, like Jan, Keldorn and Yoshimo had all travelled with adventuring parties before, and they were all aware in a combat situation, you either obeyed the party leader, or you left the party. His spiteful portrait of Nalia as a conniving harpy and manipulative witch fell on deaf ears, yet it was obvious that his continued presense strained the relationships. Worst of all Nalia was uncharacteristically quiet and her new found assertiveness,(in the prebattle planning before the party confronted Firkraag) which delighted Hellocthul, had yet to show itself again. Hellocthul hoped that with Haer gone, things would improve for the party, and that Nalia would come out of her shell.

Raelis revealed that the Sigil troup was actually from Sigil. Hellocthul had a thousand questions in her mind about the great Nexus of the Multiverse, of which she had read in many tomes at Candlekeep, but the obvious tension and fear by the members of the troup kept her silent. It was clear that the troup feared something or someone that hunted them, and Haer's revelation that the gem did not in fact belong to Haer Dalis' simply confirmed her feeling that the troup was quite desperate.

Raelis prepares to conjure up the young conduit by which the troup would escape Toril, and she asked for help in defending the portal from interference. From her studies, Hellocthul knew that planar travel was most dangerous in the portal opening, when the "filament" at the destination side of the portal could be tampered with, while it was hunting for the proper destination. Hellocthul agreed. When the bounty hunters came out of the newly formed portal, and took the troup, Hellocthul decided to follow after the abducted troup.

As the party went through the portal, they found themselves seeing a sight they could not have imagined in a thousand years. They saw an elf, wearing black dress suit jacket, white button down shirt, black tie and a pair of black sunglasses. They knew he was an elf despite his outre clothing, due to the points on his ears. Below the waist, however, he wore chartreuse dancing tights, liberally sewn in with sequins and rhinestones in every color of the rainbow. He wore high heeled pumps, bright ruby in color, literally made of sequins and glitters. He also wore a "tail" made of dozens of peacock feathers liberally sprinkled with glitterdust. Finally, to cap it all off, he wore several feathered bolas, one a rosy red, another passionate pink, and a third in pale turqoise. He looked like some horrifying combination of undertaker, and Calimshite City Music Hall Rockette. He was singing.

You're a teaser, you turn 'em on
Leave them burning and then you're gone
Looking out for another, anyone will do
You're in the mood for a dance
And when you get the chance...

You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen

"What do you think, guys? Good enough to for my next gig? The Matrix Finalized: The Return of Priscilla!" said the elf. He was singing in front of a bunch of bounty hunters, Yuan-ti, and one gnome, who was trying to stuff his jacket into his ears. The bounty hunters and yuan-ti all removed pink fluffy earmuffs from their heads, and they all clapped and cheered loudly. The poor gnome just groaned out loud.

"Ahem..." Hellocthul cleared her throat.

The elf finally noticed them. He then walked over to stand in front of Hellocthul, vamping and swaying outrageously while he walked. He twirled one of the feathered bolas in his hand, and as he stopped in front of Hellocthul, he artistically flipped the bola around his throat.

"Good Morning Mr. Anderson. Welcome to Rivendale!" said the elf.

"Who is Mr. Anderson? And I thought this was Sigil?" said Hellocthul, very perplexed.

"Ooopse, sorry, wrong message of the day." the elf emitted some electronic beeping noises, and some colored tiny lights flashed on his sunglasses, then stopped. "Lets try again. Good Morning Hellocthul, Welcome to the Astral Prison. My name is Agent Smith, Agent Elrond Priscilla Smith. Welcome to the last day of your life!!! Attack!!!" Agent Smith whipped out a large calibre automatic hand crossbow, and he and the bounty hunters and yuan-ti all attacked the party.

Hellocthul invoked the rune of chain contingency, and unleashed a triple abi-dahzim's horrid wilting on Agent Smith and his goon squad. They all shrivelled horribly, as all the moisture was magically sucked out of their bodies. Agent Smith toppled, his flesh shrinking right before their eyes, literally mumified while still alive. He opened his mouth, and tried to speak. Hellocthul bent closer to listen.

"There is no matrix, there is no spoon. The Fellowship is broken." Hellcthul shook her head. Gibberish. Then to the shock of the party, Agent Smith sprang upright, like some demonic jack in the box. Hellocthul acted instantly, slashing with Sanchu. Agent Smith dodged the blow with preternatural ease, bending backwards in an incredibly fast motion.

"Chuuuuu....Pac-man!" Hello Cthulhu said, her little paws waving.

A huge yellow ball appeared, with two black dots for eyes, and a black toothless mouth that extended half the circumference of its body.

"Wukka, Wukka, Wukka!" said Pac-man. Pac-man somehow moved to a suddenly frightened Agent Smith, and bit his head off. The body tottered in slow motion, and dissolved in a swarm of tiny squares, which evaporated. Pac-man emitted a series of whistling beeps in distress, and disolved into the floor. Nalia fed Hello Cthulhu a cookie.

"Ok, there's something you don't see everyday." said Hellocthul.

"Oh thank you so much, my lady. Who are you, and bless you for saving my life." said the gnome.

After finding out about the warden, the collars and the sphere, the party looted the bodies, aquiring a pair of boots of speed, a cloak of the shield, and a wand of the heavens. Viconia took the wand, making pleased noises as she examined the divinely enchanted item, polishing it on the hem of her shirt, and inserting it in a holder in her belt. Yoshimo got the cloak of the shield, to provide him with more protection in melee. Hellocthul knelt, and tied the laces of the boots of speed on Nalia's feet.

Nalia hopped on her feet several times, pleased with the comfortable fit, then stuck out her tongue at Hellocthul several times, flapped her elbows, said "Beep, Beep!" and raced around the party at high speed. She stopped in front of Hellocthul, and giggled like a schoolgirl. Hellocthul grabbed her, and kissed her, glad that the old cheerful and happy Nally seems to be back.

"Urm, children, breathe...ok, it looks like we have two choices, the northwest path, and the northeast path. Which do we take?" Jaheira said.

Jan and Nalia cast farsight spells, and discovered the northeast path was longer, and full of thralls still controlled by the collars. The northwest path led directly to the warden, but was full of traps. Hellocthul decided it was best to kill the warden, fast and dirty, thus freeing the thralls, and then go for the sphere, to unlock the collars. Jan cast his recently aquired invisibility 10 feet radius spell, and the party moved foward along the northwest path with the thieves at the lead, slowly and carefully disarming the semi organic pit traps. They reached the warden, a Tanari of great power, surrounded by his collared thralls.

Hellocthul unleashed a spell triggered breach, lower resistance and a greater malison, making the Warden vulnerable to the party magic. Nalia at the same time unleashed a triple magic missile in spell sequencer, striking him on the head, and making him howl with pain. Keldorn raised Holy Avenger high, and lopped its head off. The party looted Adjatha the drinker, and a mysterious magical halbard shaft off his body, as well as the key to the troup's cell. The thralls, free of the warden's control, helped the party kill the master thrall, kill the warden's pet wyvern, and Keldorn threw the sphere of mastery into the fires, breaking the locks of all the thrall collars. The party headed back to the cell where the Sigil Troupe was being held.

"My dear Raelis, I fear I cannot join you this time. The wonders of the Prime Material Plane sing too seductively for me to resist. Perhapse Hellocthul will allow me to travel with her a while?" Haer Dalis' said. Hellocthul merely shook her head. "Well, then I shall stay a while, in the Five Flagons Inn above the playhouse, awaiting for your invitation." Hellocthul and Jaheira looked at each other, amazed at just how self-deluded Haer Dalis' could be.

The party arrived back in the playhouse, glad to be back in Toril again. They decided to accept Keldorn's invitation to visit his house, enticed by his description of the skill of the Firekam family cook. They were famished, after their tiring extra-planar adventure.

As the party headed off for the government district, they saw several fairly elaborate coaches. They were full of elaborately dressed noblemen and women, off to some party or ball.

"You know, that reminds me of my Aunt Janice Janson, and her hearse." said Jan.

"Your Aunt drove a hearse?" asked Nalia.

"Well, it wasn't exactly a hearse after Aunt Janice got through with it. You see, Uncle Albert, her husband, built a hearse to take advantage of a underexploited market in the funeral buisness. He and Aunt Janice ran a funeral home you see. All hearses in Amn are required to be smaller than a certain size, due to some regulation governing the maximum hearse size allowed on the road. The largest size allowed was quite fine and adequate for humans and even half-orcs, but too small to fit a troll or ogre coffin. So Uncle Albert built this special hearse carridge, with this large hinged cover, so you could lift the top of the hearse and put the dearly departed ogre or troll's coffin. Alas, poor Uncle Albert forgot a simple fact." said Jan.

"And what fact is that, Jan?" Nalia asked inspite of herself.

"Why, ogres and trolls never hold funerals. In fact, they hold barbeques for the dearly departed troll or ogre, with the guest of honor being the main dish of honor. (Nalia makes gagging sounds) So he gave to Aunt Janice this extra large hearse as her personal vehicle. Now Aunt Janice had always wanted a Surrey (small two wheeled carridge) and despite the size and 4 wheels of the hearse, she persisted in calling it her Surrey. She had it painted in her favorite color, blue, and had decorative turnip motiefs stenciled on the sides. She used to drive it to the market every sunday, and she even sang this song, in her loudest singing voice to warn pedestrians. You see, being such a large carridge, it had a problem stopping. The song went like this" said Jan.

"Orcs and trolls and goblins better scurry,
When I ride out, ride out in my Surrey,
When I ride out in my Surrey with a hinge on top!"

"So, Keldorn, do you have any kids?" said Hellocthul, desperately changing the subject.

"Well, yes, two. Vesper and Lynn, my youngest. In fact, here we are! Maria, Vesper, Lynn, your father is home!" Keldorn and the party entered a small mansion, and he called out to a pair of girls in the antechamber.

After the revelations by Maria, Keldorn's wife, Hellocthul advised Keldorn that they should seek out Sir William and hear him out before taking any irrevocable actions. As the party headed for the Mithrest Inn, to talk to Sir William, Nalia noticed Keldorn was clenching his fist. She mouthed to Jan "Tell a story".

"So Keldy, I noticed that Lynn is at that age, when their clothes are getting dirty every single day, rolling on the ground, and playing with mud. I wish that nephew Wrigley Jansen had perfected that chewing gum. Then the little kid's clothing would never get dirty." said Jan.

"What does chewing gum have to do with cleaner clothes?" asked Nalia.

"Well, Nephew Wrigley was working on a new formula for turnip flavored chewing gum, and one day, he was testing out a new batch. It seemed ok, but rather dull, so he simply spat it out on the ground. That of course was perfectly normal. However, he noticed something strange. The chewed up piece of turnip gum, unlike any other piece of gum he had ever seen, refused to pick up dirt! The gum had rolled due to being spat out, and instead of being covered in little specks of dirt like any other piece of gum, was perfectly clean. Nephew Wrigley of course tried to coat that piece of gum with dirt, but he found out that dirt simply refused to stick to that gum. Then he got the brilliant idea of making chewed pieces of gum into children's clothing, especially toddlers and kids who seemed to attact dirt like a magnet. You see, a gummed tot never soils!"

Keldorn stopped cold, with a blank expression on his face.

"Unfortunately, it was never to be. You see, that gum had a fatal flaw. When it got hot, it actually became sticky. Poor Gary Jansen, Wrigley's son, was chosen to test out the new rompers made of gum, and he naturally ran out to play on a hot day. So when he came back, and his mommy Lorita Jansen picked him up to give him a hug, he stuck fast to his mommy. Took nearly a week for them to pry Gary off Lorita." said Jan.

"A week! Jan, that's disgusting!!! What did Lorita do when Gary had to, you know..." asked Nalia.

"Well, the first time Gary had to, I know... Lorita grabbed the closest thing she could reach...Her display plate of the finest Kuran Tur China. Poor lass, for the rest of her life, she would refer to that exquisite piece of Mung Dynasty porcelain as her 'Poo-Poo platter." said Jan.

"AAAGGGGHHH!!! I thought I told you, Jan, only one story per episode!" yelled Hellocthul.

The party reached the Mithrest inn, where Keldorn and Sir William spoke together. After their talk was finished, Hellocthul released Keldorn from his service, after Keldorn made her promise to call on him in a real emergency.

A Week Later (While the party is enroute to Spellhold):

Sir Keldorn and his beloved wife Maria were enjoying a quiet glass of wine together in the Five Flagon's Inn after an enjoyable performance of the "Pirates of Illmather" in the playhouse below. Keldorn was still humming the tune "I am the very model of a modern Thayvan Conjuror", a song he particularly liked since it reminded him of the very competant and able sorceress he traveled with for a short time. Sir Keldorn, of course was not in armor, but in a simple doublet and trews of blue, matching his wife's eyes.

"So my husband, is there any reason I should be jelous of that extremely beautiful and attractive girl you traveled with for a while?" asked Maria in a teasing and seductive voice.

"I fear not, beloved. Instead, I should be the one to be wary, since she would find you, my love, more attractive than I." teased Keldorn back.

"Ladies and gentlemen! The Five Flagon's Inn is pleased to present to you again the bard and actor Haer Dalis' and his new hit 'Lady Hellocthul'!" said Samuel Thunderburp, the proprietor of the inn.

"Oh good, a song about Lady Hellocthul. This should be interesting." said Maria.

"Brave Hellocthul ran away,
Bravely ran away away,
When danger reared its ugly head,
She bravely turned her tail and fled,
Brave Hellocthul turned about,
I guarenteed she'd chickened out..."

The song went for several more minutes, Sir Keldorn turning redder and redder. Maria got really alarmed as Sir Keldorn crushed the metal goblet containing his wine with his hand alone.

"Excuse me, my love, a small matter of justice needs my attention." Sir Keldorn stood up, took a very deep breath, and finally in control left the inn briefly. He returned with a pair of Amnish guardsmen, who promptly arrested the bard.

"What is the meaning of this! I demand to be released! I am a simple minstrel, a bard, a songmaker! What am I charged with?" Haer Dalis' demanded.

"Defamation of character and libel. You were there, Haer Dalis', and so was I. I seem to remember the events happening a little differently, and if my word isn't good enough for the courts, there are any number of witnesses who have seen Lady Viconia wearing her Red Dragon Plate armor." said Keldorn sternly.

Keldorn still looked glum as the snickering guardsmen led Haer Dalis' away.

"What is the matter, husband? That annoying bard will be thrown into the prison for a while, and that certainly should be enough punishment." asked Maria.

"Well, unfortunately, the penalties for libel in this city is rather lax. Unless the person libeled is a member of the nobility, a city councilman, or a knight in the noble orders, Haer Dalis' will only get a single day in a rather nice cell. I hardly call that punishment for impugning not only Lady Hellocthul's honor, but mine as well, since I was there. Since I was not mentioned in that awful song, I cannot file a protest to charge him with a greater penalty. He will be released tomorrow, and be free to sing that song to any who would listen." replied Keldorn.

"Oh really. Well, I happen to talk to Master Ribald at the Adventurer's Mart the other day, when I was shopping for some clothes for Vesper, and he told me about this adventurer with a most 'interesting' voice..." As Lady Maria kept talking, an evil grin appeared in Keldorn's face.

A few hours later, Haer Dalis' was wakened by a guard opening the door to his cell. The cell was actually somewhat nicer than Haer Dalis' lodgings in the slums. A guard led in the biggest half-orc Haer Dalis' had ever seen. He wasn't very tall, in fact only a little taller than Haer himself. But his arms were bigger than Haer's thighs, and it looked like he could escape the jail anytime he wanted to, simply by walking THROUGH the wall.

"Here ya go, yer annoying git. Your new cellmate." the guard said.

"Hello, mate. I'm Andorel, an adventurer. Pleased to meet ya." said the half orc with an amiable grin.

Haer Dalis' relaxed, his new cellmate did not seem to be the type to strangle him with his bare hands in a fit of orcish rage.

"My name is Haer Dalis'. I am a bard."

"Oh really, I fancy having some talents as a singer meself, don't you know. In fact, I'll sing yer one of me favorite songs..." said Andorel.

"There once were two mages, fair and foul,
One was a noble, one a bloodcowl,
They cast a spell, by mistake,
Found they were bonded, couldn’t break..."

Haer Dalis' had never imagined a voice like Andorel's in his entire life. He was obviously badly tonedeaf, and his singing voice was simply the worst imaginable. Andorel was simply incapable of carrying any kind of tune, and his singing was sheer torture to a musician like Haer Dalis'. Within the first 15 minutes Haer was begging Andorel to stop. Andorel simply sang on. And unfortunately for Haer Dalis' Andorel did not seem to know any songs, and simply continued and continued singing the same song over and over and over again.

A few shadow thieves who happened by the government district that night speak of a hideous moan, a groan of the upmost pain coming from the Jail. Speculation ran thru the guild, from a captive banshee to some hideously fiendish torture device being tested on a poor victim by the cowled wizards.

The next morning a violently shaking and white Haer Dalis' was released. He never again sang the song "Lady Hellocthul" ever again. A grinning Andorel was released a few minutes after Haer Dalis' was released, with a sore throat, but grinning from ear to ear. A happy Sir Keldorn met him outside the jail and handed him a bulging bag of gold.