Thanks to everyone for your commentary on the last chapter, which did put my nervousness to rest (for now 
). Anyway, here's the second-last chapter of Vivi's introduction.
Vivienne slipped into the library, silently closing the door behind her. The philosophy classes had been reaching a fever pitch lately, especially with the upcoming tests. That meant that the library was generally crowded at all convenient times of the day. Vivienne had found a good solution, however; already accustomed to odd hours of the day, she simply decided that she'd go to the library and study early in the morning, when few of the squires were up.
In actuality, she found the classes rather boring but the material quite interesting. Leaving off the rather pompous approach of the instructors (not really their fault, she figured) - she found herself agreeing with a lot of what they taught, which was a good sign. For all of their pomposity, the instructors didn't expect instant agreement, just understanding of why it was that knights believed certain things and the logical underpinnings for those beliefs. Even people who disagreed violently were accepted, although it was implicit that severe disagreement meant that knighthood was probably not for them.
There wasn't anything particularly prejudicial or unfair about that judgement, either. If you didn't believe in justice, well, you simply had no business being a knight. Everyone understood that. Well, everyone except Boggy, but he was another matter entirely.
"An early student! That's always a good sign!" someone said from the librarian's desk as Vivienne turned the corner. She didn't recognize the man on duty, but he was probably one of the senior knights, as he wore the dusky-purple armour of high rank.
The man waved her forward. "Old Gerard's sick today, so I'm taking his place for the time being. Being a librarian's not too bad, I think. And an old knight like me appreciates a spot of serenity every now and then. So, what can I do for you?"
"I'm looking for a work of Castellian. A Critical Examination of Knightly Ethics, I think it was called."
"Ah! Castellian! Yes, I read some of it when I was young. Quite an old piece, though. Now, let me see...." He leafed through a catalogue for a few seconds. "Here it is. I'll fetch it for you."
"Oh, you don't have to," Vivi began, but he waved her off.
"Nonsense! I'll grow all stiff I sit here all day doing nothing. Ah, here it is." He picked the book off the shelf and handed it over. "Will you be reading it here?"
"Yes, I'll probably find a corner somewhere."
"Good! I can't say 'enjoy yourself' with a work like Castellian's, but do try to stay awake!" He smiled, and Vivi smiled back, then headed off to find her corner.
A small, well-lit reading desk was quickly located, and Vivienne sat down and opened the book. She didn't expect it to be a particularly fun experience, and it most definitely wasn't. Not only was it written in an ancient form of Common, but, for a "critical examination" it certainly espoused some very traditional values of knighthood.
Obviously, Vivi supported a number of things it said - knighthood hadn't changed that much. Respect for individuals, the protection of the oppressed and downtrodden, the establishment of a solid yet merciful system to deal with the natural disorder of society - fairly standard, actually. It furthermore went into some detail on justice, the practice of and the theoretical goals of, and Vivi didn't find a particular problem with any of that, either.
Outside of that, Castellian then continued to explain some things which he felt were anathema to knighthood. Again, most of the items on the list were fairly simple, with fairly simple explanations - for example, there were some easily defined evils which were to be avoided by any knight. The problem Vivi had with the book began when it got into what it acknowledged was a gray area regarding good and evil. On this the book's word was absolute - nothing with even a hint of taint should be tolerated, and went into long and involved explanation why this should be so. Vivienne was not happy with this, disagreeing greatly with what Castellian said. It bothered her for another reason, though.
However much she had tried to ignore it, the division between what she was and what she was becoming was becoming much sharper in her life and in her mind. She still enjoyed getting out and about Tantras with the Grayclaws. It was fun, among other things, and she did feel good about a number of things she did in their company, such as teaching Lord Patrice Vaubon about better ways to use his money. But she was also increasingly more interested in the idea of being a knight, which did happen to conflict with her life with the Grayclaws. The fact was, she did believe in justice, and she did believe in a number of core knightly values - Arlo hadn't been wrong when he said that he saw the makings of a knight in her. She truly had the potential.
Which is what made her situation so difficult. She was also one of the most talented people in the Grayclaws (even if she wasn't officially a Grayclaw). Often she'd pick locks other people couldn't, or filch things from experienced thieves' pockets so expertly that they swore up and down she'd never touched them. And she had an uncanny ability to remain unheard that most veteran rogues were hard pressed to duplicate. So it was not inaccurate to say that she had potential there, as well.
As it was, there were two competing influences almost tearing her apart. Part of her did want to become a knight, to do the right things the way a knight could. And yet part of her didn't want to let go of what she had been, and how she had done the right things in a different way, as well. She disagreed with Castellian - but did that mean that she was right, or that Castellian was and that she shouldn't be a knight? That second thought pained her, in a somewhat indescribable manner.
She turned her attention back to the book, hoping it would get her mind off that melancholy path, but it did the furthest thing from. Castellian was still in the middle of his tirade against what he perceived as immorality, and launched into the written equivalent of a screaming invective. Vivi's expression grew more and more tense as she read through Castellian's vigorous condemnation of various activities such as hiding in the shadows, and finally, unable to stand it, she picked up the book and hurled it against the wall.
"Is everything all right?" the replacement librarian said, heading into the corner. Then he spotted the book lying on the floor, and walked quickly over to it. "You know, I've heard before that Castellian inspires some serious disagreement, though this, I admit, is new to me." His kindly tone took the potential sting out of his words.
He knelt and checked over the book quickly, and satisfied that it was not damaged, he turned back to Vivi. "So...that looks like the face of someone who's very unsure of herself. What's on your mind?"
"Nothing," she said. Then she sighed. "Just...well, it's hard to understand."
He shrugged and pulled up another chair. "That's all right. There's plenty of time if you'd like to explain."
And she did. After having bottled up all that pressure inside herself for so long, it was a relief to let someone know. The fact that she didn't really know him made it easier, in a way, as she wasn't sure how anyone else she knew would have reacted to the news. She told him everything about what she'd done in the past, what she was doing now, and how there were two forces that were ripping her in half.
When she was done, the senior knight leaned back in his chair and said, "Well...I don't think there's quite as much of a problem as you think there is."
"How can it be less of a problem?" Vivienne asked bitterly. "It's like opposite ends of a spectrum!"
"Not quite. I think you're exaggerating it."
"If anything, I think I'd be understating it," Vivi said. "Castellian, after all, seems to treat all kinds of rogues as soulsucking spawn of the Gray Waste."
The knight chuckled. "True, but remember, Castellian's book is old. Very old, in fact, and it's placed on the syllabus nowadays mostly to spur discussion about how things have changed."
"So why do you think it's so much less of a problem?" Vivi challenged.
"Well, let's say that the idealism has faded somewhat over the years. Castellian wrote back when things still weren't very clear, and there was still a certain degree of idealism over what could be accomplished. Paladins and knightly orders were expected to do much of what they are expected to now, but there were also poetic visions of a true paradise of ultimate justice." The knight paused, pondering his next words. "So knights of the time were quite single-minded in their quests, their objective being to eliminate all evil and all disorder, as opposed to making things better. Unfortunately, these quests were...unsuccessful. Though they tried very hard."
"Because you can't eliminate evil and disorder," Vivi said.
The knight nodded. "Essentially...yes. We don't look for the destruction of evil, exactly, as much as the promotion of good, which can be quite a different matter entirely. Especially since eventually, some situations may force us to descend to the level of evil to eliminate evil, which is simply pointless. Now, as I was saying, the goals of the paladins of ages past were fixed entirely on this artistic creation of perfect good. That was their objective and nothing else would suffice. And they wrote that way, as you can see."
Vivi nodded. "I can see that...but what's changed?"
"People have, for the most part, discarded these dangerous illusions of perfection, especially since when striving for perfection and only perfection there is the chance that you sacrifice too much along the way. When your eyes are fixed on the stars, you lose sight of the road ahead. So the focus has changed from Castellian's ideal of total 'justice in all minutiae' to a more pragmatic approach of aiming for whatever the best possible just society happens to be."
Vivi nodded again, and the knight continued. "And we all know that the Grayclaws certainly aren't bad at all when it comes to thieves' guilds. I'm sure any city in Amn, or Baldur's Gate or Westgate or Suzail or any other major city would love to have a thieves' guild like the Grayclaws, who generally leave the people alone and who try not to be a nuisance in daily life. And it's not as if they're particularly unjust, either. After all, I'd be the first to say that they do make sure some nobles get their due - like Lord Vaubon."
Vivi started slightly at the mention of Lord Vaubon, but it looked as if he was just throwing out an example, not that he was accusing her.
"So it's probably a safe assumption," the knight concluded, "That Castellian's theory really doesn't apply to current conditions. Experience since the time he wrote it has borne out the fact that seeking to destroy evil only, and zealously hunting anything that even has a hint of evil, is really the wrong way to go. Instead, fairness, order, and freedom for everyone - that's what the modern knight works for. The Grayclaws even do a bit of that, too - so we can hardly say that it'll be held against you."
Vivienne sighed. "Sure. I guess I do feel a bit better now that I know that the knight path won't be completely doomed. Still doesn't really help me as to where I should go, which I should choose."
"Well...why do you need to choose? One of the things the Order of the Golden Lion stresses is the tenet of loyalty. Loyalty to family, to friends, to the people to whom you have a duty. But above all, there is loyalty to yourself. You are both things, Vivienne Delacroix, both the knight and the rogue. To choose either would be to betray part of yourself. So choose both."
"Hah! You make it sound so easy," Vivienne said. "But it's hardly an easy thing to do."
"Nothing worth it is ever easy," the knight said. "But you'll find it is far less difficult than you believe. Don't change a thing. Finish your time here at the Order, keep visiting your Grayclaw friends. I don't think anyone would object to that. After all, even the stodgiest of the knights here would admit there are rogues who are great heroes. I'd imagine that many of them have shared an adventure or two with them, as well!"
"I...I suppose. I have to admit, I am feeling better about this whole mess," she said with a small smile.
The knight beamed. "Good! Because I'd hate to see any young, promising squire be distracted by something so small."
"Thank you. Thanks a lot. It...it does seem a lot clearer now." She sighed. "Although sometimes, I wish that Torm himself might come down from the Mount and let me know things are going well, just so I wouldn't have to suffer through so much anxiety."
"My child," the knight said, raising his gauntlets so that Vivienne could see the words written all over them, the words 'loyalty' and 'duty' in thousands of languages, "what do you think I've just done?"
Then he smiled, and vanished.
