Why I am so nervous? It seems to me I've been a long time on this road
Please explain to me
Why I can't sleep.
I close my eyes to shelter,
In the dark I try to hide.
If you leave me on my own
I'm worried I could lose my way.
And I wonder why.
Has there been a sign that points another way
And I've passed it by?
Moody Blues
Jarran stirred, suddenly uneasy. He stretched his hand out and tentatively felt for Jaheira. The grass next to him was still warm, but the druid was no longer in his arms.
He opened his eyes to search for her. Jaheira was standing a few paces away, dressing quickly in the dawn chill. He let his gaze slide down the brown curves that he had barely been able to see the night before. He ached to pull her down to the grass again, but he was still troubled. When he had heard Khalid's name on her lips in the midst of their passion, it had been like a blade of ice piercing his heart.
Unable to look away, he watched her graceful movements as cloth quickly covered her smooth skin. Her back was turned to him, which caused a flutter of nervousness in the pit of his stomach.
What are you feeling, Jaheira? Do you hate me? Do you think I took advantage of you? Was your cry simply habit, or secret longing? Still rambling about betraying Khalid? Kay, if you were watching last night… Really, as if watching two creatures rutting would be an appropriate use of my valuable time. I assure you I have no interest in your mating habits. What is in your mind, however, is a concern. Why do you care? You are, regrettably, still my master, therefore I feel your brooding. It is most unpleasant to sense the darkness that wells up inside of you. Darkness? Guilt, despair, pain, loneliness… they all leave you vulnerable to your, ah, paternal leanings. Your love and caring for Jaheira and your desire to help others keeps the evil at bay. That makes sense, I suppose. But I want to do what is best for Jaheira, not use her as a crutch. I cannot help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. Love her. Much as it galls me to admit it, she needs you, young Master. Even if your fears prove true and she does not stay at your side, you should stand at hers now. It is where you must be.
Just then Jaheira turned and their eyes met. “Good morning,” she said cheerfully. “Shall we get ourselves ready for the road? We've much to do, so we should get an early start.”
“Jaheira, about last night…”
She waved her hand dismissively. “There is no need for words. Come, we must find the heart of the druid grove.”
Without thinking, Jarran lunged forward and caught her hand. He pulled her down to her knees and sat up so that they were face to face. “There is a need, at least for me. Are you all right?”
One corner of her mouth twitched as Jaheira tried not to smirk. “I am not a doe-eyed maiden, Jarran. It was hardly a new experience for me.”
“But it has… been a while and… well… I need to know that… I…”
“Jarran,” she said softly as she stroked her hand across his cheek. “I have no regrets. Know that to be true.”
“As long as you are sure.”
Jaheira sighed and rolled her eyes. “There is no hope for you. If there was time, I would show you just how little remorse I feel, but I am sure our companions are waiting. Get dressed.” She stood and threw his clothes to him.
As Jarran dressed, he winced at the thought of what the group's reaction would be to them sneaking off to the woods. A bit ashamedly, he reached out and touched Kay's mind to see what the pseudodragon was doing. Judging from the angle of sight, Kay was perched on a tree branch watching Mazzy stir the pot that contained their breakfast. He could see the whole group below.
Jan, as usual, was in fine form. “I wonder if druids prefer doing it in the trees. Would they get splinters like everyone else, or would the trees hold back out of professional courtesy?”
Anomen snapped, “This is the last time I will warn you, gnome, cease your vulgar comments! Any fool with half an eye can see that their feelings for each other are far more refined than mere lust, so if you do not stop besmirching their adoration with your crudeness, I will make sure that your curiosity is fully satisfied.” Jarran could see that the priest's cheeks were bright pink.
The gnome's eyebrows rose. “How in the world could you do that?”
“You will find out tonight what it is like to spend the night as they did when I tie you naked to a tree and leave you there!”
Jan guffawed, but his laughter died away at the glint in Anomen's eye. “You wouldn't. The others wouldn't let you.”
Valygar slowly drawled, “I'd help him.”
Mazzy said coldly, “As would I.”
Jan cleared his throat and said, “I think it's time I checked the traps, see if they caught anything….” He left the camp at a quick trot.
Jarran broke the connection with Kay, fighting hard not to burst into laughter. If Jaheira saw him cackling for no apparent reason, she would think he had gone mad.
His face must have betrayed at least something of his thoughts, for when he looked at her, she was watching him with a quizzical look on her face. He just grinned and took her hand. They walked back to camp, and Jarran was glad that Jaheira was with him, because his mind had been so befuddled the night before that he had paid no notice of how he had reached the clearing.
By the time they stepped into sight of their companions, Jan had returned and Mazzy was ladling out a thick porridge. Jarran felt a touch of his nervousness return as he waited for their reactions.
Valygar met his eyes, and the ranger lifted his lips in the barest of smiles as he gave the bard a nod of greeting. Mazzy was giving them a sidelong look, and Jarran was briefly reminded of one of the female monks at Candlekeep who had a very severe demeanor. She said nothing as she started filling two more bowls.
Jan was not so restrained. “Well, you two look chipper! Did you have a nice restful night?” He widened his eyes in mock innocence.
Anomen gave an angry snort, but Jarran just said calmly, “Very restful, Jan. One of the best I've had in a long while.” He heard a faint titter of laughter from Jaheira.
Jarran turned his attention to Anomen. Anomen looked at him steadily and quietly said, “Congratulations.” The priest then dropped his eyes and seemed absorbed in eating his breakfast, his cheeks still slightly reddened.
After the food was finished the party began to break camp. Jarran went to Anomen's side and said softly, “Something troubling you?”
“Should there be?”
“You seemed a bit out of sorts. I know your Helm doesn't approve of… well, we aren't married.”
“It is not that, my friend. I must admit I am wrestling with envy. I have never had someone care for me in the manner that you and Jaheira care for each other. I do not begrudge you these feelings, I simply….” The knight seemed at a loss for words.
Jarran gave him a light slap on the shoulder. “I understand. You're lonely, and you wish you weren't. I am sure there is a pretty girl out there somewhere for you, Anomen.”
Anomen blushed furiously. “Please, let us not speak of these things. I am distracting you from your lady. She should have your full attention this morning.”
Jarran was grinning again when he returned to Jaheira. She raised an eyebrow and said, “What is so amusing?”
“Anomen just called you my lady. I suppose we are officially a pair now.”
With a sarcastic lilt she said, “Oh, well, if I have been declared your lady by the great Sir Anomen, I have no choice but to obey his wishes.”
Jarran caught her around the waist and pulled her close. The bard whispered, “And are you my lady, Jaheira? Or was last night… last night?”
“You are as great a fool as that Helmite, speaking of such things.” She tried to slip out of his grasp.
“Oh no, you are not getting away that easily. Please?”
“Last night was not… a single night, Jarran.” She kissed him gently, and said, “It is time to go.”
Knowing that she would say no more, Jarran simply said, “Yes, Jaheira.”
