No replies to this topic

[Laufey]

”Fair Lady, what brings you to this…that is…um…”

Anomen Delryn, priest of Helm and would-be adventurer, stared with a mixture of fascination and horror at the creature in front of him, his carefully prepared speech screeching to a halt. For one thing, the term ’Lady’, even if generously applied just didn’t seem to fit. And ’fair’, while in this case literally true, said nothing about the woman’s actual face. The horrible thought came to him that he wasn’t even certain if the term ’woman’ was applicable, and that he just might have made a terrible social blunder. Anomen didn’t know very many dwarves. Correction. He didn’t know any dwarves at all, but he could imagine how he himself might react if mistaken for a girl, and dwarves were said to be notoriously shorttempered. He had better recover quickly before she produced a great big axe or something, even if that didn’t seem very likely in that particular dress.

”Yes?”, the dwarf asked, raising a single bushy eyebrow questioningly. ”You wanted something, honey?” Her voice was deep but very melodious.

Anomen launched into a hurried explanation of his search for worthy adventurers to join him in a quest for order and goodness, sprinkled with only slightly exaggerated tales of his own prowess in the field. The dwarf watched him quizzically, blue eyes twinkling admiringly, or so he thought. Her facial expressions were very difficult to read beneath the flowing mass of braided blond beard that strained to reach her navel. Anomen found himself unconsciously touching his own efforts in the field of facial hair growth, his pride and joy until now.

By Helm, he thought. I feel like a dried up weed next to a field of wheat at harvest time!

The beard didn’t hide the fact that the dwarf was wearing a dress. A longsleeved, bright pink dress, that clung to her figure in a way that suggested rolling hills. The beard was however able to keep the cleavage from crossing the line between tantalizing and indecent exposure. Just barely. Anomen forcibly jerked his eyes up again.

”Very well”, the dwarf said, apparently having deduced from the cleric’s wandering eyes and gaping mouth that no further resumé was forthcoming. ”I guess we could use a priest. And now to introductions. This is Minsc.” She pointed at the huge bald man flanking her. The giant smiled cheerfully. ”This is Yoshimo.” This, apparently was the exotic looking fellow with the slanted eyes. ”And I”, the dwarf went on, a stony look on her face, ”am Violet. Violet Rose Petunia Skullcracker to be exact. And yes, my mother happened to be very fond of flowers, so you needn’t ask. Believe me, I’ve heard all the jokes before. Now let’s get out of here. I’ve got a wizard to catch.”

She gave the startled cleric a friendly slap on the back. At least it would have been on the back if Anomen had also been a dwarf. Probably that was the way she had meant it to be. Probably. Flaming red in the face Anomen tried to rub some sensibility back into his aching backside.He was starting to wonder if he had just made the worst decision of his entire life.

The foursome moved towards the exit of the Copper Coronet. Anomen certainly felt no reluctance to leave. He had spent quite enough time hanging around this den of iniquity, thank you very much. Exactly what went on upstairs he didn’t dare contemplate, though he had a general idea. Violet whistled appreciatively at the sight of an elegantly dressed young dandy climbing the stairs, and Anomen shuddered briefly. Perhaps the stories about dwarves were true after all. At least Violet was only one.

”Ho there, lass! What be a young lovely like yourself be doing out and about, away from home and clan? I be Korgan Bloodaxe, famed treasurehunter.”

”Famed graverobber, more likely”, Yoshimo whispered. ”Careful, Violet. I’ve heard some disturbing rumors about this one.”

Oh, perfect, Anomen thought. Another dwarf. At least this one was obviously male, complete with traditionally horned helmet, axe and mailshirt. It was with some surprise Anomen noted that Korgan’s greying and intricately braided beard wasn’t half the length of Violet’s. Korgan seemed to notice as well, and his face took on a distinctly poleaxed expression.

”Oh, lass!”, he said wonderingly. ”Hope ye don’t think this old dwarf too forward, but that is surely the most beautiful beard he has ever seen in his long life. The braiding! The color and shine like melted gold! The bows!”

Violet blushed, or at least the part of her face not hidden by said beard did.

”Do you like it then?”, she asked. ”I wondered if the pink bows were a bit much, but I’ve been through a great deal lately, and I wanted to look my best.”

”So you do, lass. So you do. What a beard!”

”Yes, yes”, Anomen interjected. ”This comparing of hairstyles is very entertaining, I’m sure, but perhaps best saved for a later time.”

Two seconds later he found himself pressed against the wall, with a very sharp axe nudging his midsection.

”Ye were saying something, tall one?”, Korgan growled. For a being so short he sure could move quickly. Anomen hastily shook his head. ”By the way, lass”, Korgan went on, ”I do nay believe I caught yer name. Is it as pretty as yer own sweet self?”

”It’s Violet”, Violet said reluctantly. ”Violet Rose Petunia Skullcracker.”

”Oh, aye. That is a good name.”

”It is?”

”Sure thing, lass. The Skullcrackers are very respectable people, they are. Very well to do. Now, let’s see. There was a Skullcracker on me pappy’s side, old Balin Skullcracker. Fearsome orckiller he was, and a distant cousin. Now, his brother, that was Dvalin Skullcracker, up Hobgoblin Creek. Killed in an ambush by elves he was, those pointyeared pansies. But his children, they moved up north. Yer kin, mayhap?”

”I don’t know”, Violet said sadly. ”I never actually met my mother, you see. Not to talk to. She died when I was very young, and I was raised among humans, so I don’t know my kin.”

”Oh, aye”, Korgan agreed, noisily blowing his nose in a very old and very disgusting handkerchief and then carefully regarding the result. ”Such is the way of things. But a handsome young dwarf maid ye grew to be anyways, humans or no.”

”Um, excuse me?”, a timid voice interjected. ”Could you perhaps remove that axe now? It is starting to get just a little bit uncomfortable.”

Korgan gave his axe an absentminded look.

”He one of yours?”, he asked Violet and nodded in the cleric’s general direction.”

”Sort of.”

”Oh, all right. I guess he can go on living then. Off with ye, puppyeyes.”

Anomen Delryn, priest of Helm and hopefully soon to be paladin drew the first deep breath he’d been able to in minutes. Dwarves. Was becoming a member of the Order really worth this, he wondered. Dwarves. Dwarves. Everywhere. Horrible, horrible dwarves with their horribly vigorous beards making him feel quite - inadequate. Oh, well. At least they would be sure to set out upon some worthy quest now.

”All right, everybody”, Violet said. ”Let’s go catch ourselves a Cowled Wizard. Let’s see what they REALLY know about Imoen. Besides, it will be fun.”

”This should be as good a place as any”, Violet remarked a few minutes later. Anomen looked around. They were standing in the middle of a dark and deserted alleyway between dark and windowless buildings. The narrow gutters were clogged with filth and refuse and what seemed to be an actual trolls head was lying in the middle of the rest of the garbage. From the shadows you could hear the quick patter of clawed little feet as the rats went about their business. It certainly didn’t look like a place any selfrespecting Cowled Wizard would frequent. Violet had stopped in the middle of the road and was leaning on a battered old metal staff with a wicked looking knob on the end.

”Now, don’t you worry”, she said cheerfully. ”I’ll handle this.”

”Are ye sure, lass?”, Korgan asked. ”Those Wizards are dangerous.”

”Violet will be all right”, Minsc said. ”She is very smart, even Boo is impressed.” He proudly brandished a small, furry animal. It seemed to be a hamster. ”And besides, the forces of good will always beat the forces of evil, preferably with a large and heavy sword.”

”Right, then”, Violet nodded. ”Let’s see what we can catch today.” She lifted her staff and made some arcane gestures with it, calling out strange words, prodicing a small white feather from within the depths of her beard and then tossing it into the air. Anomen hardly believed his eyes. Impossible as it should be, this dwarf was casting a magic spell! The feather twisted and turned, spiraling around and emitting a weird white glow. Then it puffed into smoke and disappeared.

”Hello, hello! What seems to be going on here, then?” Anomen turned around. A shimmering portal had formed in midair and an old and impressive looking wizard was stepping out of it. Dressed in a long grey robe with a heavy cowl, he had a pointy white beard his staff was covered in all sorts of mysterious and eerie symbols. ”As you should know, magic is illegal on the streets of Athkatla without the proper license”, said, then looked about himself in puzzlement. ”Here, now”, he said, ”where’s the wizard?”

”Here I am”, Violet said sweetly, poking the wizard in the stomach with her staff. ”Want to make trouble?” She didn’t sound nervous about the prospect.

”You?”, the wizard sneered. ”A dwarf? Impossible! A dwarf couldn’t cast the simplest cantrip, much less a spell of the magnitude I felt from this area. Now surrender the real wizard at once!”

Violet’s face had turned an interesting shade of purple at this, and she was tapping one dainty foot in an ominous way.

”And who says a dwarf can’t be a wizard if she wants to?”, she asked very slowly an calmly. ”You? Or is it written down in some great big book of rules that we all have to follow, no matter how silly? Next I suppose you’ll say that all dwarves have to run around waving axes. Or drink nothing but ale, and wear chainmail even in bed, even as underwear, or be obsessive-compulsive about digging for gold. Or, gods forbid, sing actual songs about MINING!” Her voice had risen to a furious screech. ”Well, let me tell you something, mister”, she went on, poking the wizard between the ribs with every word and causing him to gasp for air. ”I happen to be a very good wizard. I don’t even own an axe and I don’t ever plan to. Drinking ale just makes me need to go to the privy all the time, which can be bloody awkward when you’re in the middle of a fight to the death. I hate mining, and any dwarf singing so much as a single heigh-ho in my presence will get his own spleen presented to him on the end of my staff. And chainmail? It’s heavy, it’s ugly, it rusts, and most importantly, it CHAFES! The undies chafe in all sorts of uncomfortable and embarrassing spots, making you sore all over and making you really, REALLY foultempered!”

The dwarf was bellowing at the top of her voice now, and the wizard was trying to cover his ears with his hands while trying to escape her staff. Her blonde hair and beard were writhing like a big pile of snakes, the pink bows were coming out, and she was methodically rolling up her sleeves. Korgan stared in open admiration of her bulging muscles, Yoshimo just looked amused and Minsc was beaming proudly. There was a loud keening sound in the air, getting more highpitched by the second. The wizard turned his face upwards, peering nearsightedly into the nightsky. This proved to be a very bad decision as a pile of bird droppings the size of a small horse hit him squarely in the face, bringing him to his knees. Violet stepped up to him and smartly smacked him over the head with her staff. The wizard’s eyes rolled up in his head and he sagged into an unconscious heap.

”So, that’s where the spell went”, Violet said. ”I knew it had to have done something.” She picked the unconscious Cowled Wizard up by one scrawny leg and started dragging him off. She then paused at the stunned looks on her companions’ faces.
”What?”, she said irritably. ”He deserves it, you know. Looking down on me, just because I happen to be a proper size and not an overly-tall beanpole like some people. Magic hardly comes from your legs.”

”Um, Violet?”, Yoshimo asked hesitantly. ”Can I just ask you something?”

”Yes?”

”It’s just…You had this feather, yes?”

”A chicken feather, yes. What of it?”

”A chicken feather, as you say. Then you did some magic, and instead of a feather we get a very large pile of what used to be birdfood. Now, my only question is this. If there is birdleavings, surely there must be a bird? A large bird?”

Violet stared at him as she digested his words. She was fingering her staff a bit nervously.

”Right”, she said, her voice toneless. ”I think perhaps we should go inside now. It’s been a long day, you know. Getting a bit tired. Need to work on my spells. Sometimes they just don’t work exactly as planned. You know.”

Her companions nodded quickly, already moving towards the mouth of the alley, dragging the Cowled Wizard along after them and bouncing his head on the cobble stones in a very undignified manner. Anomen, being the last one, paused for a moment to look behind him. What he saw then was a sight so unholy as to haunt his deepest, darkest nightmares til the end of time. There are things too terrible for the human mind to comprehend, eldritch creatures gibbering in the night, spells of deepest evil, beings powerful enough to snuff out our fragile little lives like so many candle flames. On this day, one such being of terrible power and cunning was born. An inky black shadow passed before the pale moon, soon obscuring it entirely. A shape so vast as to dwarf even an ancient red dragon. Strange geometrical shapes and angles came together, making out a recognizable form. And Gonzo the Giant Chicken flew on into the night and into legend, his chillingly triumphant cackle striking fear into the hearts of men.