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Untitled story (mature, ot)


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#1 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 24 August 2001 - 01:55 PM

Ok, this is the story I mentioned earlier. It's a bit easier to understand if you've read the first one, but not completely necessary.

The man did not smile. His scarred face showed only malice and a knowing look. She felt a twinge of fear as he approached. "So," he said, "you have been lying to me."

"I assure you that I have done no such-" A sharp blow to her head came out of nowhere. And now the man was smiling.

"Then my friend is a liar? My dear friend has lied to me? He had some... interesting things to say about you. How you were so compliant, for instance. How you didn't mention me, your lover." The sarcasm on his last word was so thick one could almost touch it. The scarred man knew she was only a toy, a thing to provide physical pleasure if he so willed it. And she did not resist, allowing him to use her as such. And he was not the only one; others, perhaps even his friend, took her to bed and discarded her after. She wished that one, just one of them, would hold her and stay with her. Even if it was only for a few moments. But many reacted badly to such a request. It still sent a wave of pain through her body to think of the rage on that last man's face and how he threw her to the ground and then... Some things were better left unsaid.

"He said you were very skilled. Have you been holding back on me?" Another smile, a smile that made her try to get up, to flee, but he grabbed her arm and whispered "Don't you want to show me?"

His hands reached for her. Fear paralyzed her and her muscles tensed. This only seemed to futher excite him, however, and he murmured "This should be interesting- I do love it if they put up a fight." She couldn't breathe, couldn't yell, could only lie there and wait as his actions futher mocked his earlier words.

It seemed like hours before he released his grip on her. "And he said you didn't even ask his name- you've never asked me that either. What's wrong, a demon such as yourself can't bother with names?" And he attacked, his fists slamming into her body again and again.

Then it was over. He looked at her, covering her face with her arms, and laughed. "Maybe next time you'll behave." And he was gone.

She struggled to her feet and checked out what damage had been done. Most of her bruises were on her back and legs, with some uncomfortably close to her wings. Her gown would cover those, although a few on her arms would be visable. No trouble there; she'd blame them on a natural accident. No trouble.

She crawled into her bed slowly; she still felt sore. The succubus cried herself quietly to sleep, tears shed for the lies she told and lived, for the shame of what she did. That it was in fact done to her never occured to Grace, and likely never would.

Once again, I felt names took something away from this, and I still have no clue where this came from. But I had to answer some things in my other story- although how I came up with this is beyond me.

Feel free to say it sucks.


#2 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 24 August 2001 - 02:20 PM

> Feel free to say it sucks.

Um..It actually didn't. And you were right, a somewhat intense, more adult theme. You wrote it well though. It was easy enough to understand and picture what was going on, without the need for you to go into graphic details.

It's a short piece that leaves one with a queasy feeling. It left me wanting to slash the scarred man from stem to stern, and feeling a mixture of pity and contempt for the woman.



#3 Luned

Posted 24 August 2001 - 03:40 PM

> Ok, this is the story I mentioned earlier. It's a bit easier to understand

> if you've read the first one, but not completely necessary.

Oh, definitely no lines crossed here! A little disturbing, but that's just because rotten things happen in it. Nothing at all gratuitous. Appears to be a PS:T story, a game I'm only marginally familiar with, but my ignorance didn't detract from the scene you set.

Good deal!

---Luned


Cheesecake is a state of mind.

<i>---John Myers Myers, <u>Silverlock</u></i>

#4 Guest_NiTessine_*

Posted 24 August 2001 - 03:54 PM

I won't say it sucks, as it doesn't. Rather good writing, even if the tale was a bit on the short side. Well, short tales mean lots of tales... ;)

I look forward to reading the next installment, and perhaps meeting Nordom, Vhailor or Morte...

- NiTessine, distressed over the fact he hasn't yet got the 3E Manual of the Planes


#5 Guest_Mutant Mike_*

Posted 24 August 2001 - 04:00 PM

I didn't get a chance to say welcome after your first story. So... Welcome!

Your life outside this website is now nonexistant... But there are worse places to be caught.

> Once again, I felt names took something away from this, and I still have

> no clue where this came from. But I had to answer some things in my other

> story- although how I came up with this is beyond me.

Sometimes you need the names just for a reference point. If you imply something you have to make sure that everyone understands the implication, otherwise you lose people.

> Feel free to say it sucks.

Nay! Nay! It sucketh not!

Sorry... Stuck in Rennaissance mode...

It was very good. Your descriptions are nice, they add a lot of color to the scene. I don't think you crossed any lines here, either. It is a little disturbing, and really makes you feel for Grace. But it was very well written.

A quick comment... If you are going to put your own comments in the post, separate it from the story with *** or, better yet, a horizontal line, like this:

 

That helps to distinguish author's comment from the fiction...

I haven't played PS:T, although I would like to. Of course, my time gets used up between RL and time here at the Attic. Every now and then I squeeze in time to actually play BG2... :

Keep 'em coming! You're hooked now!

The Mutant Bellhop (at the Hotel California!)


#6 Leo

Posted 24 August 2001 - 05:37 PM

I see what you meant by "intense." An interesting story. It can be read out of the game's context. And that's how I read it, because my own understanding of Grace's torment is much different. A succubus is a demon of seduction, by nature. Few could resist her natural, raw magnetism. A sexual act with a succubus forfeits a man's soul, even if the succubus doesn't want to drain it. The large part of Grace's internal struggle is to keep herself from causing harm to people in that way, even though her nature is trying to push the boiling pot's cover, like magma trying to find an exit out of dormant volcano. This struggle is only intensified further when she finally falls in love... and realizes that, in order not to cause her lover harm, she must not show her feelings.

Leo


#7 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 24 August 2001 - 06:00 PM

> I won't say it sucks, as it doesn't. Rather good writing, even if the tale

> was a bit on the short side. Well, short tales mean lots of tales... ;)

> I look forward to reading the next installment, and perhaps meeting

> Nordom, Vhailor or Morte...

> - NiTessine, distressed over the fact he hasn't yet got the 3E Manual

> of the Planes

Thanks. I think this story was in part inspired by the Viconia romance in BG2, at least in reguard to not understanding love. Both characters have been shown almost no real love and lack an idea of what love truely is. Love is very difficult for Grace because she mistakes it for physical affection. Since no one's ever shown her anything else. Her nature makes things worse, since most people that are good and could actually show her love are repelled because of her demonic heritage. And unsavory types (like the guy in my story) only want to sleep with her but realize she is vunerable and easily exploited. So Grace wants love (which she thinks is physical) but dislikes it from what she knows. The majority of her experiences have been somewhat violent, so she feels guilty for wanting to be loved because of how she feels about sexual actions. So she blames herself for what happens.

Funny thing is, some one DOES love her and wouldn't dare try anything like that. I'm not sure how she'd react to some one just wanting to talk with her or hold her.


#8 Leo

Posted 24 August 2001 - 06:17 PM

> Thanks. I think this story was in part inspired by the Viconia romance in

> BG2, at least in reguard to not understanding love. Both characters have

> been shown almost no real love and lack an idea of what love truely is.

> Love is very difficult for Grace because she mistakes it for physical

> affection. Since no one's ever shown her anything else. Her nature makes

> things worse, since most people that are good and could actually show her

> love are repelled because of her demonic heritage. And unsavory types

> (like the guy in my story) only want to sleep with her but realize she is

> vunerable and easily exploited. So Grace wants love (which she thinks is

> physical) but dislikes it from what she knows. The majority of her

> experiences have been somewhat violent, so she feels guilty for wanting to

> be loved because of how she feels about sexual actions. So she blames

> herself for what happens.

> Funny thing is, some one DOES love her and wouldn't dare try anything like

> that. I'm not sure how she'd react to some one just wanting to talk with

> her or hold her.

As I mentioned already, this is a very different view of Fall-from-Grace than the one I have in my mind. Different doesn't mean not interesting, however. But, if she were only thinking of love as physical, how do you explain her creation of Brothel of Satisfying Intellectual Lusts? :)

Leo


#9 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 24 August 2001 - 06:44 PM

That certainly did not suck at all. Like your first story, it was short but packed with emotion. You handled a sensitive subject very tastefully...no need to worry about offending the younger readers here.

I wish I was more familiar with the PST story but I abandoned it for BG and never got much further than the first dungeon. Still, I don't think it's necessary to have played through it to follow the story you've written. Well done. :)


#10 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 25 August 2001 - 12:53 AM

> That certainly did not suck at all. Like your first story, it was short

> but packed with emotion. You handled a sensitive subject very

> tastefully...no need to worry about offending the younger readers here.

> I wish I was more familiar with the PST story but I abandoned it for BG

> and never got much further than the first dungeon. Still, I don't think

> it's necessary to have played through it to follow the story you've

> written. Well done. :)

I'm grinning now. :) I once saw some place that had the whole story written up, but I have no idea where it is. Maybe someone else does?

'Course, I may have been wrong in lots of things judging by a few responces... maybe I should just leave writing to the pros around here. Live and learn.


#11 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 25 August 2001 - 02:01 AM

> I'm grinning now. :) I once saw some place that had the whole story

> written up, but I have no idea where it is. Maybe someone else does?

> 'Course, I may have been wrong in lots of things judging by a few

> responces... maybe I should just leave writing to the pros around here.

> Live and learn.

I think you should continue writing...there are very few, if any, professionals amongst us. I'm not sure what you may have read that made you feel this way, however you should realize that everyone has their own take on a story and how it should be written. This board is not only about the sharing of stories but about people sharing different ideas and trying to improve each other's writing by pointing out different possibilities.

I'm sure that anything that's said is meant in a constructive sense rather than an attempt to tear anyone's stories down...but just because someone's interpretation of a character or a scenario is different than yours it doesn't make their viewpoint any more valid. It's your story and you write the story the way you see it unfolding. This is my own personal credo...:) I couldn't stick to a storyline or a pure representation of a character if my life depended on it.

Keep writing...I've enjoyed what you've written so far.

Keira


#12 Guest_Anonymous_*

Posted 25 August 2001 - 02:20 AM

You know what I think of your writing. :) Try to explain a little more, though. You can't just change someone's perception without reasons.

Sister Ray





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