Attempted Apple-pie
"Where is that bloody book." Viconia muttered to herself as she stood in the Keep's large kitchen skimming the titles of the books on the small bookshelf next to the cooking utensils.
"Ah, here it is..." She muttered and grabbed the book she wanted from the shelf. 'Recipes and Ruminations of one Dradeel of Tethyr, third edition.'
She leafed through the book, looking for the recipe she needed... "Monkey-balls, Belladonna Bun-Cake, Bachelor's Crutch, Baldur's Delight, Werewolf repellant, Tethyrian Apple-Pie..."
She sighed as she found the Apple-pie recipe and remembered how this whole mess got started. Only yesterday, Vierna had been playing over at the Burrowfoots and had been staying away so long she had missed lunch. A worried Viconia had made her way over to the Burrowfoots only to find her precious girl and her friend Rowen snacking away at freshly-baked Apple-pie. "It's so delicious, momma!" Vierna had said. "Have you never made an apple-pie for your daughter, Viconia?" Jenna Burrowfoot had asked, knowing full well the Drow had never done so. Well, it sounded like a challenge to her! Luckily, Olma was away for the week visiting her mother in Athkatla. Viconia might be the Lady the Keep, but Olma was the unquestionable lady and mistress of its kitchen...
Viconia read the recipe carefully and sighed... "Dammit, Viconia," She muttered to herself, "You have fought mindflayers, vampires, dragons and beholders. You wield the most powerful magic a cleric could wield and you have personally dealt the blow that killed the dragon Firkraag.... If you can do all that, you can bake an apple-pie...." But in truth Viconia was not so sure of that...
In the Underdark, food was always carefully prepared by Drow slaves... Male Drow slaves at that. A male cook was a prized commodity among the powerful houses. But it did mean that Viconia, being a female noble, was quite pampered when it came to the preparation of food. Oh, she could keep an eye on meat roasting on a spit, but that was about the extent of her cooking abilities... Still, Viconia figured she should be able to do this if she followed the Mad Elf's instructions carefully.
'Let's see,' Viconia thought as she put the book on the counter, 'What do I need...'
A)
6 cups of sliced apples
White sugar
1 spoon of butter
1 spoon of ground cinnamon
1 recipe (see
of pastry for a 9 inch single crust pie1 1/2 Cup of flour
1 1/2 Cup of milk
1 1/2 Cup of oil
1 1/2 Spoons of sugar
1 1/2 Spoons of salt
'Okay, bag of apples right here... Butter right here... Cinnamon right here...' Viconia thought as she rummaged through the cabinets. 'Fresh milk on the counter... Oil? What kind of oil? Does he mean Axel Grease? Babyoil? This elf was quite insane...' Viconia wondered. 'Ah, what's this...' Viconia thought as she grabbed a bottle of vinegar from the cabinet. 'Well, this kinda looks like oil' She put the vinegar next to the other ingredients.
After coming out of the storageroom dragging large bags of Suger, Flour and Salt behind. Wishing she had put on her Belt of FireGiant strength, she rubbed her hands and decided she was ready to go...
1. Prepare your pastry for a two crust pie. In a large bowl, mix together 1 1/2 cups flour, oil, milk, 1 1/2 spoons sugar and salt until evenly blended. Pat mixture into a 9 inch pie pan, spreading the dough evenly over the bottom and up sides. Slice apples, then.
'Okay...' Viconia thought, 'Recipe B then... But what kind of cups does he mean? Teacup, beermug, winecup, buttercup?' Deciding to play it save, she grabbed the biggest mug she could find. Slinging the bag of flour over her shoulder, she prepared to pour the flour into the mug. A cloud of white dust exploded through the kitchen as the bag spilled its contents over the counter. After doing some digging into the flour she found her large mug, so filled with flour it looked like a steep mountain was growing from the mug. 'I hope this is enough flour... Must be just right, I think.' Viconia thought as she tossed the contents in a bowl. A cup of milk and oil (Vinegar) followed. 'Spoons? What kind of spoon? Teaspoon, soupspoon, fishspoon? Why isn't this more clear?!' She fumed and finally grabbed the largest spoon she could find to add the sugar and salt... Better safe than sorry...
After putting her hands into the murky substance that was created and kneeding it for about 10 minutes, she was left with a smelly bowl filled to the brim with (way too much) pastry... She took a large glob of the stuff and tossed it into the nine-inch pie-pan where it landed with a sucking splat. 'Even it out? Why? It will even out itself... eventually' Viconia decided and put the pan back on the counter. After that, she performed the last instruction : Slicing the apples into two halves and putting them in a bowl awaiting use.
2. To Make Filling: Mix together 3/4 cup sugar, flour, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Sprinkle over apples and toss to coat. Spread evenly in unbaked pie shell. Dot top layer with small pieces of butter or margarine. Cover with top crust. Hmmmm, can just just taste the roasted apples, already?
'Hey, I thought Dradeel wrote I only needed one spoon of cinnemon! Now I need a whole cup?! Why won't he make up his mind!' Viconia thought angrily. She put filled the mug for three-forths with cinnamon and tossed it in another bowl. She repeated this action with the nutmeg, the flour and the sugar, but just as she prepared to kneed the mixture she noticed she had accidentally used salt instead of sugar. 'Ah, who's gonna know...' She considered and continued with her work. Finishing off kneeding, she took a glob of filling and tossed it on top of the other glob in the pan which had already begun to spread a little. She then took the apple-halves and put them on top of the mixture. 'Apples are sprinkled... Toss to coat? Does he want me to throw it against a wall? Must be a misprint!' She then threw several, way too large, pieces of butter on top of the mixture and then went back to the very first mixture she had made. Taking another large glob of that and spreading it over the rest of the would-be pie, she figured it was ready to be baked. 'Well, I'm don't know what it is I am smelling, but it sure isn't roasting apples...' She thought.
3. Place on lowest rack in oven preheated to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C). Bake for 10 minutes, then reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Bake for 30 to 35 minutes longer.
Wait for the sweet smell of pie to assault your eager nostrils.
'Well, at least I know how to start a fire!' Viconia chuckled to herself, but soon found herself foiled again. Using the flint from the kitchentable, she was not able to coax the wood under the over to start burning. "Vith..." She muttered when she added some dry paper, "Tlu chath, iblith... TLU CHATH!"
After failing to start the fire she withdrew from the oven and stood back. 'Sod it' She thought and called upon the powers of Selune to cast a Flamestrike inside the oven. The brick structure seemed to expand when the column of flame took form, engulving the entire oven for a moment. When the spell ended, the wood under the oven was burning nicely, while the oven itself was blackened and charred. 'Well, At least the oven has been pre-heated, now' She grinned as she put the would-be pie into the oven.
Now she went back to the liberary to read a book. When she came back to the kitchen, she was greeted by black, smelly, arid smoke coming from the oven in the kitchen. 'Ah, must be READY!' And took her creation out of the oven with a smile.
Serve warm or cold. Hmmmm, enjoy and do a dance of happiness when served to children with eternal sweet-tooths!!
'Well, I have such a child, but she's going to have to be happy with just the pie.'
---
"Ermmm..." Karis stammered while he looked upon the charred mass in front of him on the table.
"Hmmm..." Imoen added when she looked upon the pie. It was black, oddly shaped and pieces of half-apples were sticking out, supported by charred pasty. "It kinda looks like a Gauth after being hit with a Dragonflame-spell."
"Boo says he does not know what this is..." Minsc added.
"Look here!" Viconia fumed, "I put my blood and sweat in this pie, so you WILL eat it and you WILL like it even if I have to STUFF it down your THROATS!!"
All three 'lab-rats' took a small piece of pie and put in in their mouths with a clearly visable sense of dread.
"This is... lovely..." Karis said, but he was looking a bit sick after eating only a small piece.
Minsc said nothing but looked ready to throw up.
"This pie stinks..." Imoen replied honestly.
Viconia's face fell. "Really? I was afraid of that." She said, but looked at her lover for support.
"Sorry, my love," He said, "But it felt like I was eating a piece of charcoal... A very salted piece of charcoal at that..."
"Excuse me..." The large ranger shouted as he brushed past Viconia in search of the nearest latrine, holding his hand in front of his mouth.
Viconia sank to her chair and sighed heavily. "I just wanted to do something special for Vierna before she comes home... I wanted to show her that her own mother could make good pastry for her as well."
"You can't feed this thing to your daughter!" Imoen stated, "She could use it to... to... I don't know what she could use this pie for, but it sure ain't eating!"
"Wait," Karis said. "She's playing over at the river and she won't be home for sometime... Maybe we can have a new pie in the oven, before she returns...
---
Four people were working hard in the kitchen to make a new pie. Ingredients were being tossed from one to the other, while Karis had almost finished pre-heating the oven.
"Oh, a TEAcup!" Viconia exclaimed, "It makes a lot more sense now..."
"Vinegar?" Imoen snickered.
"Don't rub it in, rivvel." Viconia replied with a touch of self-criticism.
"YEAH! YEAH! DO IT AGAIN! KILL THOSE APPLES! KILL KILL KILL!!! SLASH THEM TO BITS, WOOHOOOOOO!" Sounded though the kitchen
"Minsc!" Imoen shouted, "Don't cut the apples with Lilarcor! Use this..." She said and handed him a small potato-knife.
"Minsc cannot kick the butts of evil with this little knife!" He replied indignanty as his gigantic hand seemed to cover the entire knife.
"It's just that... Well, the Athkatla gutter-press will very have a nice day when they see Minsc with a tiny knife instead of a gigantic sword! Then the bards will make fun of Lilarcor too!" Minsc replied.
"HEY!" The sword shouted in reply, "What was that about me? Huh! What was that about ME?!"
"It's just to cut the apples with Minsc..." Imoen said as she was kneeding the dough for the crust, while Viconia was standing next to her kneeding the mixture for the filling.
"Well, the oven's ready to go!" Karis replied as Imoen was preparing the bottom of the pie in the pan.
In record time, the apples, the filling and the crust were applied to the pie and the four friends just had it finished when they heard a young girl entering keep, humming a merry tune. Imoen grabbed the pie from the counter, ran to the oven and shoved the pie in it, just before a little head popped around the corner of the door.
"Whatcha doin'?" Vierna asked happily and giggled when she saw the mess in the kitchen. "Ooooh... Olma will be so mad at you when she sees this!!"
"Hello, little one..." Viconia smiled, "Why don't you go to the dining hall. We have a surprise for you in..." But she never had the opportunity to finish her sentence. As soon as Vierna saw the opened bag of flour on the counter, her eyes widened. Before any of the four friends could stop her, she ran over to the bag, jumped and pulled it over her. Another cloud of white dust exploded through the kitchen as the flour engulved her, leaving Vierna a very, very sheetwhite and giggling little girl...
"But first, you're going to take a bath..." Viconia chuckled and took her giggling daughter by the hand.
---
Karis, Minsc, Viconia, Imoen and even Boo were trembling in anticipation, as the fruit of their labour was about to be put to the ultimate test. The judge was sitting at the table, sticking a fork into the small piece of pie Karis had cut for her. The tiny Drow carefully put in her mouth and chewed, while a pensive look crossed her face. Then, she cracked a smile, put down her fork and gave the pie a two thumbs up... Relieved, they all sat down at the table to eat the pie.
"That pie was great, momma!" Vierna giggled as she realised that, in fact, she had gotten to eat the most of the pie...
"Anything for you, ssinjin eoul." Viconia smiled, not mentioning her own failed experiment.
"Boo liked the pie, too." Minsc said as Boo let out a most un-hamsterlike burp...
"Good pie," Imoen added, "But it went straight to my hips, I think..."
"Really?" Viconia chuckled. "I hadn't noticed..."
"Elves." Imoen mock-sighed, "You never get fat, no matter what you eat..."
"Well, there still is the matter of cleaning up the kitchen before Olma come ba..." Karis tried to say.
"HELM'S BEARD!!!" Sounded from the corridors. Karis closed his eyes in distress. Olma had returned early.
"What happened to me kitchen!!" She shouted. Well... Karis might be the Lord of the Keep, but he knew he was in serious trouble now.
The recipe for the pie is not from Dradeel, but from someone named Carol on http://Pierecipe.com who said it was her grandmother's recipe. It had twelve reviews, all saying it was the most delicious pie they ever had, as well as the easiest one to make (unless you're a Drow female, of course. *grin*)
