Jan’s New Game
Andorel flung his metal booted, mud-encrusted feet up on to the battered table, accidentally knocking a pint jug flying.
“Sorry, Minsc.”
“It was empty. Minsc does not mind.”
“The innkeeper might,” Keldorn said. “You ought to pick up the pieces and apologise, Andorel.”
Andorel snorted. “Ah come on, they get stuff broken in here all the time. What’s a pint jug, huh?” Keldorn glared, and Andorel held up his hands. “Ok, ok, I’ll go and offer to pay, I was only joking! Sheesh, they make more out of us here ‘cos of the stuff we break than what we drink. Well, unless Minsc goes on one of his benders.”
Minsc gave Andorel a blank look. “Minsc does not drink to excess.” His frown deepened. “At least, Minsc does not remember doing so, and neither does Boo.”
“You wouldn’t.” Valygar muttered.
“Well, personally, I don’t want to have to drag Minsc upstairs again. I don’t think my back’ll ever be the same again, you know.”
“Jan,” Anomen said cautiously, “You have never had to drag Minsc upstairs. You couldn’t drag Minsc upstairs.”
“Oh, but I know a new invention that might help! The Stanley chairlift, named after my second cousin Stan, you know. He and his friend Oliver invented it between them. It was really designed for moving pianos up long flights of stairs, but no doubt it could be adopted for use on drunk rangers. Maybe Hendak’d let me install a prototype here, eh?”
“I doubt it,” Anomen replied tartly, “I don’t think Hendak wants his customers fired through the roof.”
Jan looked guilty. “How do you know about that?”
Anomen sighed and closed his eyes. “Anybody want another drink?” He said, getting up. He took their various orders, and left for the bar.
“Actually, I did have a new invention I came up with today.”
“You did?” Valygar asked guardedly.
“I thought it up when we were trapped in that entangle spell. You know how it is, vines slowly squeezing your life out of you concentrates the mind.”
“Bloody stupid druids and their thistles, honestly.” Andorel muttered.
“Here, I thought you and Imena travelled with a druid for some time.” Keldorn remarked.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Keldy? Her name was Imoen! I did travel with a druid, yeah, for a long time. She sorta got on my nerves, though. She was bossy, but I could stand that. What really annoyed me was the way she treated me as if I was dead stupid.” Andorel looked up at the stares directed at him from around the table. “What?”
Anomen came back with a round of drinks on a tray. He passed them out to everyone, and took a sip of his apple juice.
“Does anyone want to hear about my invention or not?” Jan asked, in slightly petulant tones.
“Not really.” Valygar replied.
“I would prefer not to.” Anomen said.
“Oh go on then if you must, Jan. What is this amazing thing you’ve come up with?”
“It is,” Jan said, whipping out a few items from his many pockets, “A new game!”
“Is that all?”
“You waste your time on frivolities yet again?” Keldorn said darkly. “Your creative energies would be so much more wisely spent on saving lives and the betterment of your fellows.” Jan shrugged.
“Doesn’t look like much to me,” Minsc boomed, looking over the items on the table. “A bit of paper, some little lumps of wood and a quill pen.”
“It’s called ‘Subways and Stockbrokers’, a game where you get to play an imaginary character in a fantasy world where magic has been replaced by fiendishly complicated inventions! Er, Minsc, can you stop Boo eating the dice, please?”
“Those are dice? But they have…they have…” Minsc briefly looked at his fingers. “They have eight sides!”
“Yes, you throw them when it’s your turn. First of all, though, we all need to pick a character to play. There are a number of different professions you can choose from: mercenary, criminal, environmentalist, doctor, and scientist.”
“What’s a doctor?” Anomen asked.
“That’s a fellow who heals people, but they use various herbs rather than prayer. They also have a secondary skill of being very good storytellers.”
Anomen raised his eyebrows. “That’s not only impious, but ridiculous too!”
“It’s a make-believe world, Ano, it doesn’t have to make sense.” Andorel remarked. “What’s this scientist thing?”
“Oh, that’s someone who invents things- like me. They use technology a lot and are good at puzzle solving.”
“Huh.” Andorel snorted. “Only a fool’d spend their lives doing that.”
“I quite like playing a scientist, myself. So, what class will everyone be?”
“I like the sound of mercenary.” Andorel said, flexing his muscles proudly. “A fighter through and through, that’s me.”
“I’ll play a scientist, as I usually do.” Jan said, making some notes. “Valygar?”
“Assuming I have no choice but to play this foolish game, I’ll choose environmentalist.”
“Minsc?”
“Mercenery! Minsc takes direct action and is already ready to kick evil butts!”
“Yes, yes… Ano?”
“I suppose I could choose doctor. It sounds the least unpleasant.” He sniffed.
“Keldorn?”
“I think I shall choose criminal.”
They all turned to stare at him in silence.
“Did…did you just choose criminal?” Anomen stuttered.
“Aye,” Keldorn said blandly. “Perhaps in a world of make-believe, we have an opportunity to learn more about those who differ from us. I intend to make use of it.”
“Erm, fine.” Jan said, his voice cracking slightly. “So, we have a team of two mercenaries, an environmentalist, a scientist, a doctor and a criminal. That’s nice and well balanced. Um, ok, the next part is to choose your attributes- that’s what your personality is like. I better do that.” Jan scribbled briefly on some paper, and handed around small slips of paper to each person.
“Minsc has high strength! Boo approves.”
“Um, can someone read mine for me?” Andorel asked, holding his paper and squinting at it. Valygar quietly started explaining the various parts to him.
Anomen looked across as Jan’s sheet of paper. “Why do you have the highest intelligence?” He asked petulantly. “Mine is pathetically low!”
“It’s higher than mine, Ano, you should be happy!” Andorel said with a laugh. Anomen didn’t reply.
“Ah, but as a doctor, Ano, you have higher wisdom than me. Scientists need high intelligence, you see, doctors need high wisdom.”
“And no doubt, young Anomen, you have the wisdom to appreciate wisdom itself.” Keldorn remarked.
Andorel gave Keldorn a jaundiced stare. “I’m sure you made that up and just waited for a good chance to say it.”
“Very well, the last thing we have to do is to decide what alignment we all want to be You can be good, neutral or evil, and you also have to choose lawful, neutral or chaotic.” Jan said
“Um, alright, I’ll be lawful good. Sounds the best one to me.” Jan wrote down Andorel’s choice with a slight wince.
“What about everyone else?”
“Boo says I am chaotic good, which I am glad to hear! Better chaotic good than not good at all, so says Minsc.”
“I believe that the righteous path to take is that of lawful good.” Anomen declared.
“I suppose I’ll choose neutral good.” Valygar said quietly.
“I wish to choose lawful good as well.” Keldorn said.
“You can’t, Keldy, you’re a criminal, remember? Can’t have a lawful criminal.”
Keldorn looked nonplussed. “I… I suppose not. One cannot have a good criminal, either. It flies in the face of all logic.”
“Well, actually…”
“So, I shall choose… chaotic evil? Is that what it is called?” Keldorn frowned uncomfortably.
“I like chaotic neutral myself, so I’ll choose that.” Jan made some more notes, trying not to shudder as he noticed the overwhelming choice of good alignments on his team.
“Well, I think we’re all ready to start now. The story takes place in a land called Earth. A group of hardy freelancers- that’s adventurers to you and I- have found out about a hideous plot hatched by the evil empire Macrosoft. They intend to use a network of magica…I mean scientific, crystal balls to spread frustration and hate throughout the lands. The adventure starts at the great iron gates of their dark stronghold called ‘Silicon Valley’. Your first job is to gain entrance to the citadel known as ‘Macrosoft Drive’. Two guards stand on duty.”
“Why should we care if this company is going to take over the world? I say we kill the guards, remove their armour, then sell it.” Keldorn said. The group stared at him in shock. He shrugged. “I am simply trying to immerse myself in my role.”
“I do not approve of this game,” Anomen declared piously. “It seems to be to be morally suspect, and likely to cause righteous people to fall into darkness.”
“Ano, you know what Minsc once said about having a pole up your arse?” Andorel asked. “I say we talk to the guards and try and bluff our way in. We can’t kill them just for doing their job. How about we pretend to be high-born nobles of the Macrosoft Empire?”
“I have put skill points in the ‘keycard forgery’ skill, so I might be able to get us in.” Jan rolled one of his dice. “Oh, it failed. The guards are attacking us!”
“I suppose at this point I can shoot them with this ‘gun’ of mine?” Keldorn asked.
“Fire away, Keldy. Let me roll for that. Ah, you hit and do five points of damage to one guard.”
“Excellent shot, Keldorn!” Andorel crowed.
“Now, let’s roll for the guard’s return fire. He manages to hit, and…oh.”
“What?”
“Sorry Andorel, he just hit you for ten points of damage. As a level one mercenary, you only have nine hitpoints. You’re dead.”
“Oh, but Ano here can resurrect me, can’t he?”
“Um, no he can’t. He’d need a ‘Wand of Defibrillation’ for that, and he’s not carrying one. Anyway, he’s too low level to use it.”
“Oh that’s just stupid! Do I stay dead until we reach a healing temple then?”
“Erm, no. In this world, people can’t be resurrected after a certain amount of time, see. You’ve lost. Shall we start another game?”
Andorel threw up his hands in disgust. “Honestly, Jan! What a stupid, pointless game.”
“You only said that because you lost.” Jan remarked.
Andorel shook his head in disgust. “Mark my words, Jan. This stupid game’ll never catch on.”
