so i put a nice little elminster bash at the front!!!
Minsc carries the uncontious Jaheira as the party leaves the Twisted Rune. They head out for the entrance of the bridge district.
Nalia: Love, do we still have time to investigate those killings? It scares me, but we really should help those poor people in this district. And it seems like the guard can't solve it. I'm afraid, but this seems to be our duty.
Hellocthul: That is where we are going. And its ok, I will protect you. And so will Minsc, right Minsc?
Minsc: Minsc will protect little witch. And so will Boo! If Evil tries to kick the butt of Good little witch, Minsc will protect Good little witch with his own butt. And Minsc has a big butt, so Evil cannot kick hard enough to hurt Minsc.
Nalia in a whisper: Hon, is Minsc all right? I mean he is so strange sometimes that I get a little nervous.
Hellocthul mouths the word "later".
After talking with Rampah, who extorts 100 gold from the party, surprisingly astute for a raving lunatic, no? They head over to the prostitute Rose.
Viconia: Rose! Hey, Rose! Where is Laska?
Rose: Hmmm? Do I know you, Dearie? Ummm...I think I would like to get to "know" you....hmmmm....
Viconia: Urm, sorry, wrong series.
Hellocthul: Ok, the guard at the city gates said you might know something about the recent murders.
Rose: OH MY, you are a pretty one, aren't you? Interested in a good time?
Hellocthul: Urm, no thanks. About the murders?
Rose: Well, a working girl has to eat. 60 gold. Or an hour with those fine, strapping hunks you have on your leash, hmmmmm? Or half an hour with you, pretty.
They pay the gold, and find out about the guril berrys. The nearby seller has 3 samples for Rose. And he identified the leather Rampah gave them as elephant hide. After Rose smells the 3 samples, she identifies the smell as oak bark.
As they were about to leave, Hellocthul catches a whiff of something vile and noxious beyond belief.
Hellocthul: Cough, Cough!! What on earth is that stench? Its enough to make a ghoul gag! Cough, Cough!! Oh my gods! Its coming from you, Rose! Did you take a dip in the sewers??!!!
Viconia: Wait! I recognize that stench! Hellocthul, remember that time in front of Baldur's Gate? When that good-for-nothing, disgusting busy body gigalo of Mystaria met us???
Hellocthul: You're right, Viccy!!! Its that same eye-tearing open grave stench that wafed off that perverted and sick dirty old man, who tried to grope me...(and gave me a bruise on my butt that lasted 3 days!!!)
Hellocthul narrows her eyes at Rose, who is trying her best to look innocent, and she quickly casts a true sight spell. Rose's form shimmers, and an ancient old man, wearing a soiled red robe, and a tall pointed hat of the same color appears.
Elminster: I thought it best, my child, urm....urm...to keep an eye on you, yes, to keep an eye on you, and to....guide you, yes, guide you on your proper path. So I took the form, simple, really for a sorceror of my immense and unspeakable skill, of a common street prostitute to place myself in your path.
Hellocthul: So! So this is what the chosen of Mystaria do when they aren't off humping goddesses!!! They cast glamours on themselves, and sell their bodies off to the lowest bidder! Oh let me guess, you are about to say you just d-gated a few seconds ago to give me this information! Well, that just proves your brain is as decrepid and useless as the rest of you. You must have been here the night of the murders to identify the oak bark, and I just saw you, when we first passed by here on our way to our last battle, pick up that dwarf, half-orc and gnome...and I saw you lead them upstairs. You are so disgusting, and so pathetic, and such a pervert you have to use your powers to pick up sex partners!!! YECH!!!
Viconia holds up a cardboard sign with a 9 written on it: Good tonal control, excellent choice of insults, and imaginative words. You get a 9 from the drow judge. Bravo, abbil!
Elminster turns bright red, and d-gates away.
Nalia: Urm, honey? Who was that?
Viconia: That was the Chosen of Mystaria, one of that obsolete goddesse's former pleasure toys. That, my dear, was the disgusting pervert Elminster.
Nalia: ELMINSTER!!! You just yelled at Elminster! OH MY GODS! We are all going to die!!! (she looks upward, scanning anxiously for signs of a bolt of lightning)
Hellocthul: Hey, babe, its ok, he is just an old blowhard who has inflated his reputation by rumors and false stories. All he really is is a disgusting dirty old man with a hot reputation. I am glad, though that Jae is still out cold. She probably would have burst a vein if she had been awake...hehhehehehheh!!!
Jaheira, right on cue, moans from her position of being carried by Minsc over his shoulder. She wakes up, and gets off Minsc.
Nalia suddenly gets mad: Honey!!! He pinched your butt!!! That butt belongs to me! OOO...if I ever get my hands on him!!!
Hellocthul: Its ok,(hehehheheh!!!!) After he pinched me, Imoen gave him a wedgie so bad he couldn't have sat down for a week. It did take her a couple of days to wash off the smell on her hand, though...ICK!!!
Jaheira: Children, what is going on? Are we out of that foul place?
Hellocthul: Ok, Jae, just sit here with Yoshimo, and rest a while, and the rest of us will go and investigate the tanner.
After investigating the tanner, and killing off the Zhent agents and recovering the bow staff of gesen, they head off to find Aegisfield. He was very pleased with their work, especially since they did all the dangerous stuff, and gives them a hefty reward of 1000 gold.
The party, well pleased with how the day went, head off for the mithrest inn for a big meal and sleep.
Nalia walks into the room that she shares with Hellocthul.
Nalia: Honey, you were going to tell me about Minsc?
Nalia slips into bed beside her girlfriend, both of them wearing nightshirts.
Hellocthul: Its actually a very sad story. You see, years ago when Jae, Khalid, Immy and I met Minsc, he was a ranger, and a scholar in the northern forests of Rashomon. Dynahir introduced us, she was his sister in law.
Nalia: Minsc was married? And a "scholar"?
Hellocthul: He spoke 6 languages, and was widely respected for his wit and wisdom. He had a wife, and a son, who he loved more than anything in the world. He was such a nice man! So warm and gentle, and his eyes glowed when he talked about his family. We spent many an hour discussing the finer points of philosophy and natural history. He had left his family to escort his sister in law to Beregost. Dynahir had some business there.
Nalia: And then? Then what happened to him?
Hellocthul: Well, we found out the full story a few months later, when we ran into Dynahir and Minsc. Vampires. When he and Dynahir went back to Rashomon, they found his entire family and his best friend, who stayed with his family slaughtered. Dynahir would never talk about what they had found, she merely said it was literally unspeakable. Minsc went berserk. He and Dynahir tracked down the nest of vampires that killed his family, and killed them all. Afterward, he....he tried to kill himself. He threw himself off a high cliff. Dynahir found him barely alive, with this great gaping wound in his skull. She gave him what aid he could, and got him to a local temple. When he finally came to, he became the big lug he is today. He couldn't face losing his family, so he "retreated" into himself, and became Minsc the mighty butt-kicker of evil.
Nalia's eyes were weeping by this time: And Boo?
Hellocthul: When he came to in the temple, he adopted a small hamster that the local cleric kept as a pet. You see, his son's name was Bucenalis, but Minsc simply called his son "Boo". When Minsc is saying Boo tells him something, he is actually using his former intellect, and Boo is merely the "voice" as it were.
Nalia: Oh, but honey, hamsters don't live very long, a couple of years at the most...
Hellocthul: Yes, I know. Jae, Immy and I take care of him, we watch over him, and "Boo" is actually Boo the fourth...whenever the current Boo dies, I hit him with a power word stun spell, and we find another hamster...you've noticed the tiny copper collar Boo wears? I enchanted that collar years ago, and it makes the hamster stick close to Minsc, and Minsc, thank the gods, never notices the difference.
Nalia: That is so sad! Oh poor Minsc...he suffered so much, and lost so much...you are right, he is simply much happier this way. And WE will watch over him...Have I told you that I love you? You are such a kind and caring person.
Hellocthul: And I love you. You are everything I ever wanted, beautiful, wise, a little headstrong (grin) and so sweet...
Nalia: How could you fall in love with me? You are so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful, you could have anyone you want! I know I am pretty, everyone says so, but you are heartstopping gorgeous!!!
Hellocthul: I fell in love with you in the dungeons of De'Arnise hold, when you grabbed me as Hello Cthulu and kissed me while I was still in that shape. I told you about my taint, and my probable destiny, and you still stayed, and you still loved me!!! I won't ever let you go.
Nalia: Well, I don't plan on letting you go either. I was crazy about you when I was "Nalian", and I became so afraid of losing you, when you found out the truth, I nearly drove myself insane!
Hellocthul: Well, you won't lose me in either form. (she kisses Nalia and wraps her arms around her)
Nalia: Well, let's just test that, shall we? (giggle)
Nalia gently twists the bezel of her family ring, and her form shimmers into that of "Nalian", a delicately handsome blonde young man.
Hellocthul gently strokes Nalian's body, and her fingers discover that it was still Nalia under the perfect illusion. They kiss, and things become more intense.
and of course a little weyoun zinger in the story..hehehhehhe
As always, your comments are appreciated.
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