4 replies to this topic

[Laufey]

B- Charname, i was wondering about your adventure experience, how did you become an adventurer?

Should be´: 'I was wondering' with capital 'I'.

1-It started in candlekeep, Gorion, my foster father recived a letter that there were someone going to kill me. So Gorion took me and we freed Candlekeep in midlee of the night... we didn't make very far, we were ambushed, and gorion died trying to save me. (Go to C)
2- it's none of your bussiness (go to E)

Candlekeep should have a capital C. Grammar in second sentence: 'So Gorion took me and we fled Candlekeep in the middle of the night...we didn't make it very far, we were ambushed and Gorion died trying to save me.'

C- that's a very sad Story charname, i'm sorry I remembered that to you.

Should be: 'That's a very sad story, Charname, I'm sorry I made you remember it'.

1-It's nothing Mazzy (go to D)
2-Yes, but I already assumed it (go to D)
3- Yes, you shouldn't have asked me, now i'm in a bad mood (go to E)

In the second answer, what are you trying to say? 'Assume' doesn't seem to fit here.

In the third, capital 'I' again.

D- In my case was different, when i was 8 years old, i was playing with patrick Hide an seek, I found a well hidden cave wich turned to be a Wolf Lair (she smiles), there were a pack of brown wolves.when i saw that brown wolf I screamed Really Hard... I runned blindly inside the cave, withouth light, i got lost. I was really scared. Patrick heard me, and runned trying to get help. he got help from one Paladin passing near there. The paladin after hearing the story from patrick, charged inside the cave. he killed the wolves, and found me in a Corner sobbing. since that Day I said to myself that i wouldn't get scared anymore, and that I would be like that Paladin, Fighting evil, and defend all that was good...
*sigh* thank you, charname, thank you for returning those pleasant memories. (End)

Some more typos here: Again the capital 'I'. 'cave which turned out' 'there was a pack of brown wolves'. 'really hard' shouldn't have capital letters. 'I ran blindly' 'Patrick heard me and ran' 'He got help' 'He killed the wolves' 'since that day'

Whew! Many corrections there. I like the idea of inserting Keldorn here, but you'll want to check what Mazzy says about him in the game, so that she doesn't state that she's never met him before.

E-I'm sorry charname, i didn't want you to feel bad. (go to D)

'I didn't want you'

F- Okay charname, you will hear no words from me (romance screwed, Mazzy stays in party)

Would Mazzy say 'Okay'? I think I would have her say 'Very well' instead, she has a fairly formal way of speaking I think.

(if anybody cares, i plan that Paladin to be a Younger Keldorn)
Comments? i'm not convinced about this lovetalk being number 2, maybe if i find something more fitting it can be moved further in the romance, altough i consideer it into the "getting to know you better" phase. perhaps a lovetalk about Patrick after this one will be the way to go?

I think it depends a little on what else you plan to put into the romance how early you want this to be.

[Laufey]

Thank you for you help in squashing typos

Welcome!

I recall that in the Game Mazzy has a banter with Keldorn that she says that he is her idol or something like that. so it makes sense, doesen't it?

Oh yes, I think it makes perfect sense. Just check so that she doesn't state outright in the game that she hasn't met him before, since that would clash with the story you came up with.