The Wizard of Obligatory
Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:31 PM
The Wizard of Obligatory
Charname sighed. "Do we really have to do this?"
"Of course we do," her random bat familiar answered. "Everyone always does this parody crossover. It's axiomatic."
"I don't know why I have to wear this silly white-and-blue dress, though. Makes me look like a little girl."
"That's the idea. Now get in the farmhouse already, the hurricane is almost here."
"Fine, let's get this over with."
They went inside. Charname sat down on a chair by a table and drummed her fingers on the latter. The sound of wind outside increased until it was almost deafening and the house begun to rock and tilt in ways which no house attached to the ground has a right to. Eventually it steadied with a violent thump, and sun began to shine outside again.
"Are we still in the Sword Coast?" Charname asked as Bat fluttered to the window.
"I don't think so, Charname."
"Good. Now let's go find a way back there." She stood up and walked to the door.
Outside there was nothing but an endless green field with flowers in it or something and a single path leading across it.
"I hope that farmhouse didn't hit anything when it landed," Bat said.
"I don't really care," Charname said, tramping along the path already.
"Truly, thou art lacking of decency," a muffled voice came from under the house, but the two were already out of muffled hearing range.
After walking (and flying) ahead for some time, Charname and Bat came across Minsc standing by the road in old, tattered farm clothes.
"Hullo, Minsc. What are you doing here?" Charname asked.
"Minsc is the Scarecrow," the large man said gravely, raising his arm to show the straw inside his sleeve. "Do I really need to explain?"
"No, not really. Join up."
The three went on walking (and flying) along the repetitive path until they came across yet another person just standing beside it. It was Khalid in a lion outfit.
"I- I- I- I'm, I- I-"
"Yeah, okay, we get it, come along."
After a few more minutes, they saw Edwin standing by the road, looking highly irritated and muttering to himself (though that description is redundant, of course).
This time, Charname looked slightly surprised. "Eddie? What are you doing here?"
"Absolutely nothing!" Edwin burst. "A man of my superior intellect and supreme talents certainly has no place in a lame done-to-death parody like this! My being here is so irrational, so incongruous, that for once even I am stumped as to why I must be standing here in the middle of these fake-looking flowers. And don't call me Eddie."
"Well, Edwin, from what I know, you could certainly use a heart," Charname said, a touch nastily.
"(Oh, she did not just say that,)" Edwin said, and then looked down almost as reluctantly as after that incident with the Nether Scroll. Sure enough, he was suddenly covered in tin plates as if in particularly clumsy armour. Or possibly it wasn't tin as a material, but tins as objects. Whatever.
"You shall pay for this humiliation! I will obliterate you to ashes like, like something particularly flammable!"
"Well, yes, if you can manage to cast spells while wearing a shell like that. I think you'll just have to come with us, Eddie."
"(Curses, she is right. I hate it when someone else is right.)"
The path just went on going on. After a further while, they encountered Aerie, standing by the road and looking hapless.
"Okay, so why are you here?" Charname asked.
"I- I'm the wingless elf."
"Sorry, our quota of characters for this parody is full already. Just go away."
"A- all right."
"(If we got wings for the rest of these bozos as well, we'd have the flying monkeys, too,)" Edwin said.
"What was that?" Charname asked sharply.
"Nothing, nothing at all. (She is merely guessing, of course. I know very well they can't hear me when I insert brackets around my speech.)"
Charname rolled her eyes.
Soon the path finally ended in a great big castle. The group entered and came to an audience chamber. A giant floating head surrounded by flames appeared, radiating pure power and speaking in a voice that shook the ground.
"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (YET UNIMAGINATIVE) WIZARD OF OZ PARODY!"
"Yeah, right," Charname said. "I just bet you're really a giant floating head and not some loser with special effects."
"ER, OF COURSE I'M A GIANT POWERFUL FLOATING HEAD," the giant floating head said. "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK OTHERWISE?"
"Come on, I'm Charname. I represent the avatar in the game of a person who is really sitting behind the computer and viewing events from a distance, and/or the author surrogate of a scribe who already knows what's going to happen. Do you really think you could fool me? Besides, I've been all over the fourth wall in this story."
The head vanished and some ordinary-looking guy stepped forth instead. "Okay, fine, you got me. How can I help you lot?"
"Minsc needs a brain," Minsc said.
"Nah, you don't, really," the Wizard Parody said dismissively. "You're adorably wacky as you are. What you really need is a..." he dug something out of a big bag of stuff "A hamster!"
"Gee, I bet no-one saw that coming," Charname commented.
Khalid came forth next. "I- I- I- n-n-need..."
"You need courage, but who says it has to be your own?" The Wizard Parody pointed to somewhere offscreen.
"Khalid! Get over here at once!" Jaheira's voice bellowed.
Khalid smiled happily. "Y-y-yes, d-dear." He hurried offscreen.
"Okay, next, Eddie here needs a heart," Charname said, shoving the reluctant metal-plated man ahead.
"All I need is brains, and I've got more than most people combined!" he protested.
"I can see you've had what you really want all along," the Wizard Parody said.
"Well, you don't want a heart. You just want to be able to blast everyone with a fireball. I'll give you that."
Suddenly Edwin's tin covering was gone.
"Yes! Yes!" Edwin burst excitedly, twiddling his fingers menacingly. "Now you will all pay for this! Now you will-"
Charname knocked him out with a precise blow to the head from behind.
"You could have given him a heart, you know," she said to the Wizard Parody. "Lots of scribes have done that."
"I don't think he's that cute," the Wizard Parody sniffed. "Anyway, what can I do for you, girl?"
"Oh, you know the deal. How do I get out of this stupid story?"
"Well, you know the deal too. You've had the answer with you all the time."
"Yeah, sure, but what is it?"
"I don't have the faintest idea. Make something up."
Charname rolled her eyes, and then thought for a while. "Okay. To get out of this mess, I only need two words."
Posted 02 March 2009 - 08:17 AM
Thank you, thank you...
*applauds very loudly*
Excellent. Truly excellent!
(Should I consider myself blessed that this is the first Oz crossover I've ever seen?)
I haven't read the original and can barely remember the classic(?) movie. As you can probably guess, that doesn't stop this from being extremely familiar to me.
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