Posted 12 October 2008 - 06:41 PM
I'm just eager to see what happens next with them
Posted 17 October 2008 - 02:38 PM
I think this version is better, significantly better, than the previous.
However, I still don't think you've solved the crux of the previous problem of the jarring juxtaposition of the two scenes. You've smoothed the extremes that they sat in (humor and angst) and made Edwin significantly less callous and uncaring (although not wildly, he's still a callous jackass)
The problem is... you're still trying to juxtapose two critical scenes of such different character in the same chapter. And in doing so, I still think it falls flat. It even weakens the glorious humor of Edwin's transformation, which is something I think is a sad thing.
Overall, a definite improvement, but you still didn't solve the inherent problem, even with the better transitions and keeping the mods on a closer rein.
Posted 18 October 2008 - 09:49 PM
Posted 19 October 2008 - 12:47 AM
So... best of luck and may the universe stop chewing on your brain so we can enjoy MOAR stories.
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users