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#1 Guest_Cel_*

Posted 11 October 2008 - 07:26 PM

Take two removed, pending spare time/spare brain capacity :)

#2 Guest_arabellaesque_*

Posted 12 October 2008 - 06:41 PM

I've read both versions, but I still don't know what side of the fence I'd fall over to. I'm not a massive Edwin fan, nor Mazzy unfortunately, so I focussed more on the Ember and Anomen slant, and found it very powerful and sad :)

I'm just eager to see what happens next with them :)

#3 Guest_VigaHrolf_*

Posted 17 October 2008 - 02:38 PM

*Crawls out of the work cave long enough to read the repost*

Hey Cel....

I think this version is better, significantly better, than the previous.

However, I still don't think you've solved the crux of the previous problem of the jarring juxtaposition of the two scenes. You've smoothed the extremes that they sat in (humor and angst) and made Edwin significantly less callous and uncaring (although not wildly, he's still a callous jackass)

The problem is... you're still trying to juxtapose two critical scenes of such different character in the same chapter. And in doing so, I still think it falls flat. It even weakens the glorious humor of Edwin's transformation, which is something I think is a sad thing.

Overall, a definite improvement, but you still didn't solve the inherent problem, even with the better transitions and keeping the mods on a closer rein.

Sorry :)

VH

#4 Guest_Cel_*

Posted 18 October 2008 - 09:49 PM

I think I'll just be sensible and pull this edit until December, when I'll have spare time again. Then I'll either repost it yet again, or split it into two, or something, but the main thing is that I avoid distracting my brain with it until I actually have time to do so :)

#5 Guest_VigaHrolf_*

Posted 19 October 2008 - 12:47 AM

I feel a little bad about you pulling it, but at the same time, it's always best to save your writing for when you're really able to devote some time to it. It's why I've been mostly silent as of late, as work's been kicking my butt 10 ways from Sunday.

So... best of luck and may the universe stop chewing on your brain so we can enjoy MOAR stories. :)




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