Ember's Tale 105: Hell Hath No Fury [pending revision]

I've read through both the unaltered and altered versions of the chapter... and I do think the altered version is a significant improvement (Edwin at least seems human enough to actually have feelings [necessary for his interest in Imoen])

However, I really don't think it works. One, because even altered, Edwin's callousness would still seriously upset Mazzy and Minsc. You're talking about one of the noblest and nicest characters and perhaps the most empathic. A companion/friend is in the middle of a huge emotional crisis. Their nerves should be entirely raw and any such behavior should earn him a dressing down from at least Minsc. You've been so good with character consistency that this lack here... it just doesn't jive well.

Second, I just don't think it works structurally. Part of that feeling comes from really looking forward to both scenes. Especially how you were going to give Eddie the gotting he deserves. The whole Nether Scroll has been building for so long that not giving it a place to shine on it's own dims it significantly. The same can be said for this big scene between Anomen and Ember. The romance has been stirring and such a moment could really bond them. I know why you tried to interweave them, but I don't think it worked. Honestly, I don't think it ever really could... the scenes are so completely different. Tragicomedy can work... but only when it's at the same time, not running parallel.

*Shrugs and grimaces* I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think you have two great chapters here. But blended together like this, you have one poor one.

Sorry.

I prefer truthful opinions, you know I started wondering when people were outright laughing at the Edwin bit, but everyone had just said positive bits, I'd have let the chapter lie and just move on with the story at whatever rate. However, upon looking back at the mixed bag here, I think I want to rewrite the thing.

It might take a while, though; I have one paper to write, another to rewrite due to it approaching the matter from the wrong angle, and a half year's curriculum to properly insert into head over the course of the next sevensix weeks

Thank you for your honesty

I think part of the problem is that I didn't intend Edwin's bit to be comedy.

Yes, I thought as much, and that's why I (belatedly) come here to post again, to say that I don't necessarily agree with VH above - and that's why I can't really make up my mind about this chapter.

The thing is, the way I see it, Edwin's part shows that, although to Anomen, and, by proxy, Ember, Moira's death was a tragedy, there's a great part of the world, a lot of people - say, Edwin - whom it does not concern at all. And that's a very good thing that you put this in. It prevents the story from being self-centred, angsty and so on...

And I love the way you oppose Edwin 'tragedy' with Anomen's very real tragedy in the final paragraphs. That final image of Ember and Anomen together. That's also why I couldn't make up my mind...

The part that doesn't jibe (jibe, VH ) here is Mazzy's and Minsc's reactions. Because they, as it so happens, should be in that part of the world that does care for Anomen.

That's all. The problem, I think, Cel, is that you're also very good at writing comedy.