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[Laufey]

Edwin Odesseiron –International Man Of Mystery

Part 2 – Goldeneye

See him move through smoke and mirrors,
Feel his presence in the crowd,
Other girls they gather round him,
If I had him I wouldn't let him out,

GoldenEye, not lace or leather,
Golden chains link him to the spot,
GoldenEye, I'll show him forever,
It'll take forever to see what I got

Nashkel. The glittering lights of the nighttime city reminded Edwin of sparkling diamonds spread across a black velvet cloth.

And speaking of diamonds… The agent admired himself in the mirror as he put on a pair of grape-sized diamond cufflinks. Perfection. Utter perfection. He grinned at the tuxedoed vision of masculine appeal that looked back at him from the mirror, stroked his beard and headed for the door. Time to get this mission started, he had prepared more than enough. Oh yes, more than enough. And if I never have to lay eyes on that infernal gnome again, I will be all the happier. Edwin shuddered, trying to shake the memories off, but that proved harder than he might have wished. Jan Jansen usually had that effect on people.

-*-


One week earlier

“And this little beauty looks just like a turnip, but it’s really a gas grenade strong enough to stun an elephant! Why, that reminds me of my cousin Dumbo, who…”

“Later, J” Agent Dekaras said, and there was just a hint of annoyance to his voice. “Agent Odesseiron has a plane to catch. Now show him what you have prepared for him.”

Jan Jansen, in certain quarters better known as ‘J’, gave the tall agent a twisted grin, and adjusted the thick goggles he wore, bushing them onto his bald head. The little gnome then reached into the seemingly bottomless depths of his formerly white lab coat and pulled out a narrow gold object.

“A toothbrush?” Edwin asked. “I have one already, you know, with rubies on it as well as gold.”

“Ah, but it’s nothing like this little beauty, I wager. Take a look!” J pointed the toothbrush at a nearby mirror hanging on the science lab’s wall, and pressed down hard on the shaft.

PING!

A bullet shot out of the brush, ricocheted off the mirror, and whizzed back into the room. There was a brief scream as one of J’s lab assistants fell to the floor in a spreading pool of blood. “Ooops,” J said. “I’d forgotten that was the shatterproof mirror that M wanted me to make. Well, never mind.”

“You don’t seriously expect me to brush my teeth with that?” Edwin asked, trying to steady his trembling hands without anybody noticing.

“If you do, remember to use gentle rubs only,” Dekaras said. “Always, always be gentle with J’s inventions, and you will be fine. Now pass me the floss on that table, please.”

Edwin blinked, but acquiesced. His mentor took the small carton and then pulled out what looked like ordinary dental floss. “Titanium alloy?” Dekaras asked the little inventor.

J nodded. “Yep,” he said. “Strong enough to garrote an ogre, just like you asked for. And it’s good floss too. And just wait until you see what I’ve done with the tweezers and the turnip scented shaving cream, I’ve added a strong anti-griffin repellant to it and…”

“Oh, stop it with the griffins, you ridiculous little monkey!” Edwin scoffed. “There haven’t been any wild griffins sighted for centuries, and you know it, so stop wasting my time with your idiocy and give me something I can actually use, such as a fabulously fast sports car (Red, of course) or a miniature bomb strong enough to wipe out Sarevok’s headquarters.”

“Well, if you’re going to be that way about it,” Jan huffed, then scurried off. “I’ll get you something you can use, all right.”

“Edwin,” Dekaras said while they waited, “why do I even need to point out to you that insulting the man responsible for the equipment supposed to keep you alive is not a good idea?”

“But…”

“No buts. And one more thing – don’t even think of fooling around with any bombs. We’ve been over this before, you do not need to blow things up in order to be an agent.”

“But I like blowing things up, all the wonderful noise, and the fireballs…do I at least get a license to kill?”

“Edwin – no bombs. And yes, you do get a license to kill. Not that it will matter if the opposition manages to kill you first.”

“They won’t,” Edwin said, with supreme confidence. “I’ll manage perfectly, and you’ll be very proud of me, you’ll see.”

The next morning, Nashkel Airport Customs Control

“…and one Ten Towns Penis Pump,” the customs official said, managing a bored voice that nevertheless hid a sneer.

“It’s not mine!” Edwin squeaked, shooting his companion an embarrassed look. Dekaras simply sighed and shook his head.

“…one Ten Towns Penis Pump, with the name ‘Edwin Odesseiron’ in golden letters…” the customs official droned on. Edwin could feel his cheeks heating up to the point of spontaneous combustion.

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! That is not mine, I tell you! It’s…it’s a conspiracy! It was Jansen, he must have hidden it in my luggage! (Something I can use indeed, oh how he will pay for this.)”

“…one Ten Towns Penis Pump, in the name ‘Edwin Odesseiron’, with a receipt signed by ‘Edwin Odesseiron’….”

“It’s…it’s a forgery! Obviously it is! (That infernal gnome is cunning, in a low, common way!) I’d never use that kind of thing, it’s for monkeys, not for me!” Dekaras was rubbing the bridge of his nose by now, as if he had a headache.

“…one signed book, with author picture, titled ‘Ten Towns Penis Pumps – This Kind Of Thing Is For Monkeys And Me’. Written by ‘Edwin Odesseiron…”

By now, Edwin couldn’t get a single word out.

“All in all,” Dekaras commented in a mild voice, “I think you might have been better off with the turnip-scented shaving cream.”

-*-

But that was in the past now, thankfully, and it was time to get the mission started. The ‘Nashkel Planet Of Pleasure’ casino waited, as did a certain very interesting female. The intelligence was clear on one thing, she would be arriving here tonight, and it would be the perfect time to intercept her. Edwin wandered about the casino, cruising between roulette and blackjack tables, grudgingly being forced to admit that the place was quite decent. Not on par with the finest Thayvian establishments of course, but the carpets where soft, the service was good, and the drinks excellent. He placed a few bets, and won more than he lost. Well, naturally, given that I am skilled in statistics and probability calculations, unlike most of these simians. He placed the equivalent of ten gold in tokens on red, and then he paused, as somebody sat down next to him.

A girl. A girl in a very brief, white dress, which hugged her slender body in a flattering way and made her bright red hair stand out nicely. “Black,” she told the croupier, and placed a sizable heap of markers, then turned her head to give Edwin a small grin. Golden eyes met his, and his stomach made a sudden little lurch. It’s her! Must say something at once, something to suitably impress her.

“My name is Odesseiron,” he managed. “Edwin Odesseiron. And you are…?”

The girl watched the spinning ball, and then her eyes lit up as it came to a sudden stop.

“Black – Thirteen!” the elven croupier called out. “The winner is Black – Thirteen!”

“I guess I’m the winner,” the girl said, and winked at him. “Bad luck for you, but that’s life.”

“Ah…a temporary setback, only. Soon enough, I will regain my losses. Now, despite everything, I will grant you the supreme honor of being offered a drink by me, and the pleasure of my company.” He nodded at a passing waiter, summoning the man to his side. “One Crimson Fizz, shaken, not stirred, with a red cocktail berry and a monkey on a stick. No, make that two, I might as well order her one as well, so she will finally taste a proper alcoholic beverage as opposed to the slush I’m certain is normally served in this place…”

“Her, sir?” the waiter asked, sounding rather puzzled. “Her who?”

“Her! You blithering idiot, she’s standing right next to…” Edwin turned around, and the word froze on his lips. The girl had disappeared, and as his eyes frantically darted about the room he could just make out a white dress and a head of red hair disappearing in the distance, then turning a corner. Cursing frantically under his breath, certain he would lose track of his target forever and wondering if perhaps he ought to use the golden toothbrush to kill himself before M got hold of him, Edwin darted after her.

The corridor ahead was empty as he turned the corner, empty of everything apart from a thick blue carpet that muffled the sound of his footsteps, some large potted plants and an elevator door ahead. He just barely managed to get a glimpse of the girl inside before it closed, and raced as fast as he could towards the elevator, hoping to be able to see where it stopped. Before he got that far however, a leg shot out from behind the potted plant, tripping him up, somebody jumped on top of him, twisting his arm up behind his back while burying a knee between his trapezoid muscles, and then held a gun to his head.

“The child does not desire company,” a female voice whispered to him in a heavy Tethyrian accent. As he heard the ‘click’ of the safety catch, Edwin bitterly wished that she had been a griffin – in that case, J’s turnip scented shaving cream might actually have been useful.