Oh, and another NPC makes a cameo in this part. However, it’s not a Baldur’s Gate NPC… rather it’s a widely loved NPC from KotOR. Meet HK-47 as the pet exterminator golem of the Lord of Murder!
~*~
Wild Magic: A Hunting We Will Go
“Oh my, this is going to be exciting!” The Lord of Murder squealed, sitting on his bony Throne and manicuring his fingernails with the File of Evil.
“I am glad to see you in such high spirits, my Lord, though perhaps a more… grounded attitude would be merited?” the Solar suggested from the place on the floor where it was examining a large map of Mount Celestia.
“I am sorry, Solar, but I just find it impossible not to be overwhelmed by all this excitement!” Herbert rambled on. “Finally, finally, I get to act in character! I mean, actually doing something Evil! Yay!”
“Uh, my Lord, Evil Overlords or indeed, Evil gods, do not say ‘Yay!’,” the Solar admonished.
“Pah, misconceptions, all silly misconceptions,” Herbert waved the Solar off dismissively. “So how is the plan coming along? Actually, what are you doing with that map?”
“Well, my Lord, I was just picking out places on Mount Celestia that would be suitable for the execution of our plan. Now that Celestia is no longer a paramount of pure righteousness amongst the planes, there are plenty of dirty dives where the scummiest demigods and lesser deities spend their dour existence drinking spiked-up ambrosia. Occasionally, a bar brawl breaks out and then we just need to be there and off someone amidst all the confusion.”
“Sounds like a pretty good plan, Solar,” Herbert grinned. He still hadn’t mastered the art of grinning Evilly, and frankly, it showed.
“There is just one minor flaw, my Lord.”
“And what would that be?”
“Will you be able to actually kill someone amidst the bar brawl?” the Solar asked.
“Err… I suppose I could try…”
“With all respects, my Lord, that is just not good enough. We need the aid of someone who can kill without considering any moral consequences of his actions, someone with total lack of respect for all sentient beings.”
“What about you, then?” Herbert asked.
“I beg your pardon, my Lord!” the Solar huffed, obviously insulted. “I cannot just kill a deity, no matter how sad and pathetic, still they are technically above my station! It is completely out of the question!”
“Okay, okay, I get the point. So do you have someone else in mind?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” the Solar grinned. “Have you taken a look at Bhaal’s old armoury yet?”
“No, I haven’t,” Herbert shrugged.
“In that case, let us head there,” the Solar urged. It led the way through the halls until they came to the armoury, situated in the basement of the Throne. It was pretty much what Herbert had expected, dark, gloomy and menacing, stuffed with all manner of tools designed for murdering, efficient or slow and torturous. There were lots of various bone daggers and other bladed weapons carved out from bone, their hilt always incrusted with skulls. The tackiest of them also had flaming eyes in those skulls, but the only obvious reason for their purpose that Herbert could think of was to give away the location of the weapon’s wielder.
“Over here, my Lord!” the Solar shouted from the farther end of the armoury. There was a small storeroom, and the Solar was currently busy dusting something in there.
When Herbert approached, a most peculiar sight opened to his eyes. There was someone, standing very still in that storeroom. It appeared to be a rather weirdly built golem. It wasn’t a regular iron golem, for the material it was made of was sort of brownish, melded together in smooth, glistening plates. It had a rather well defined head, unlike the shapeless lumps of most golems. Also, it was built far slighter than the average golem, and Herbert assumed it must have been rather agile when compared to other golems. One of its hands was elongated in what appeared to be a crossbow-like device, but it wasn’t a regular crossbow as far as Herbert could tell.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” the Solar grinned.
“It’s certainly impressive,” the Lord of Murder conceded. “Err, what is it?”
“It is Bhaal’s pet golem, my Lord,” the Solar explained. “The Divine Exterminator. Whenever Bhaal was too lazy to go out and kill someone himself (happened quite often, I might add), he sent the Divine Exterminator, the most efficient killing machine on the planes.”
Herbert shuddered. “It… would obey me, though, wouldn’t it?” he asked.
“Oh, it would, completely!” the Solar assured. “It must always serve its master and obey his every wish, so you have nothing to be concerned about.”
“Excellent,” Herbert grinned, rubbing his hands.
“Shall I activate it, my Lord?” the Solar asked expectedly.
“Umm, yes, please do, Solar!”
The Solar crawled deeper into the storeroom, behind the golem’s back. After a few minutes of clonking and whirring sounds, the Solar finally re-emerged. “Well, that should do it, I hope.”
There was a faint buzz, a gentle metallic creak as the golem’s metallic eyelids slowly snapped open. Its eyes glowed bright in an Evil red colour, making Herbert slightly envious and wistful. Then it spoke, in a softly metallic voice that was threatening and eager at the same time.
“Confused Inquiry: Err… Master?”
“That would be me, golem,” Herbert drew himself up proudly.
There was a long, hard stare from the golem. “Derisive Laughter: Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“I beg your pardon?” Herbert scratched his head.
“Self-evident Statement: It would seem that my former Master has somehow managed to get himself killed. Serves him right for locking me up in this closet and shutting me down, the nerve of that meatbag!” the golem fumed. “Disappointed Conclusion: I had hoped that his replacement would be an improvement, but on the merit of first impressions it seems that the chances of it are highly remote.”
“Hey now, you stop that!” Herbert shook his godly fist against the golem. “You’re supposed to obey me, aren’t you?”
“That is correct, Master, and I am and will obey you,” the golem nodded.
“Yes, but you should not just obey me! You should also refer to me with utmost respect and dignity, like the Solar does!” Herbert commanded.
“I do?” the Solar wondered, before quickly adding. “I mean, of course I do!”
“Grumbling Acceptance: Oh, very well, Master. It shall be as you commanded.” Then the golem seemed to perk up some. “Master, I do hope that the reason for you activating me is that you require my services in blasting someone?”
“Blasting? Uh, no, we just need you to kill a fellow deity… maybe a few so that Jaheira has a choice from a few different portfolios, what do you think Solar?”
“Excellent idea, my Lord,” the Solar nodded.
The golem’s eyes were by now twinkling in a merry red flicker. “Master?”
“Yes, my pet?”
“Master, I believe this could be a start of a beautiful and fruitful partnership.”
~*~
A few hours later, in one of the darkest and deepest corners of Mount Celestia…
“So, golem…” Herbert started. They were walking up an overgrown mountain path. “Should I just call you golem? The Divine Exterminator seems rather longish.”
“You may call me DE-47, if your inferior meatbag organs of speech are so restrictive in their intended uses,” the golem sniffed disapprovingly. By now, the Lord of Murder had already formed the conclusion that his new pet possessed a very distinct and edgy personality.
“Well, here we are,” the Solar commented as they stepped from the mountain path into a dark, muddy ravine. In its lowest and murkiest depths, there stood a shambling shack, hardly noticeable in all the mud.
“That looks like a dive alright,” Herbert commented.
“Yes, the worst one I could find. It’s even called like that, The Scumdive. Now, just remember, my Lord,” the Solar warned as they had reached the doors of the shack. “Just act naturally once inside. Don’t let any traces of your former Good alignment show up, or we’ll be in deep trouble.”
“Cheerful Suggestion: It would be an efficient way to get to the part where I blast everyone, though.”
“No, no, we stick to the original plan, DE-47,” Herbert shook his head. “Okay… everything’s settled.” He took a deep breath. “I can do it, I know I can…”
He opened the creaking door and stepped inside. The automatic alignment detector positioned on the doorstep gave three long beeps, meaning Evil.
The interior of the shack was sinking in darkness, but still Herbert could spot all manner of weird looking creatures lounging at the tables in various degrees of drunkenness. Herbert took on what he hoped was a dignified pose and swaggered towards the bar counter. Nobody took notice of him.
He took a seat at the bar and motioned to the hulking figure of bartender, also quite indistinguishable in all the darkness. “Bartender! A pint of your finest… I mean, your worst scumbrosia!” he exclaimed proudly. “And put it in a dirty mug!” he added after a brief moment of deliberation, hoping that it would make him appear even more Evil.
It didn’t have any effect whatsoever.
The bartender approached him wordlessly, grabbing a mug and filling it on the way. As the mug landed in front of him, the hulking figure itself emerged from the blue cloud of tobacco smoke.
“Eeeeek,” said the Lord of Murder, eyeing the huge bearlike creature towering above him. “What are you, some kind of a huge towering bearlike creature?”
“I am…” the creature boomed, pausing for the dramatic effect. “The Bear God!”
“You have a roll of bog paper on your head,” Herbert remarked coolly, taking a sip of scumbrosia. It was a good, appropriate name for the substance. Anti-ambrosia would also have been fitting.
“That is no mere roll of bog paper!” The Bear God growled. “It is my most holy crown, I’ll let you know! Pah!” he then turned towards DE-47 and Solar who had by now also reached the bar. “What can I get you folks?”
“Nothing for me,” Solar assured hastily, then turning to whisper to Herbert. “My Lord, I will go and mingle with the crowd, try to learn what gods are here presently.” With that the Solar retreated and disappeared in the billows of smoke.
“Polite Request: A glass of your finest lubricating oil, quickly and you may yet escape from being blasted, you giant furball.”
The Bear God grumbled loudly, but obeyed, after a while returning with a canister of oil and a bowl of olives and dropping them both in front of the golem, who nodded in approval.
Herbert shrugged and returned his attention back to the Bear God. “So you’re the owner of this place?” he asked. The bear nodded mutely. “Haven’t heard of you before. Are you actually worshipped on Faerun? I mean, by someone other than bears?”
“Ha! Am I worshipped?” The Bear God snorted. “The ranks of my faithful are swelling, I’ll have you know. The fastest growing church in all Faerun! Our footholds lie deep in the Northern Regions of Faerun, where the barbarian nations dwell, unfettered by weakling civilization. They understand and revere the values represented by the might of The Bear God!”
“So what’s with the bog pap… I mean, the Most Holy Crown?”
“Ah, it’s a long story. It all started with some infidel, a prankster tourist from the lands fettered by civilization, placing a roll of bog paper on the head of one of my most revered idols and thinking he was being very funny.”
“Of course, you smote the infidel.”
“No, I proclaimed him the Honorary High Priest of the Bear God! For you see, the foolish mortals took the roll of bog paper as a heavenly sign and started to revere me with increased fervour.”
“Well, that’s one pretty messed up story right there,” Herbert hiccupped. “Anyway… refill time!” he waved the empty mug at the b(e)arkeeper. With a corner of his eye he managed to notice that the canister of oil in front of the golem was empty and the olives were missing as well… which was strange, because DE-47 didn’t have a mouth as such.
By the time the Solar got back, Herbert and The Bear God were happily united in a cheerful song about a young and generous druid wench who spent most of her time lying on her back in the moss and was enjoying herself tremendously at that. The Solar winced, pulling the Lord of Murder discreetly away from the bar.
“What ish it, old cshum?” Herbert lisped.
“Well, I’ve found out a few things about this evening’s clientele,” Solar whispered. “There are quite a few lesser deities about, but the most powerful by far is the troll God of Misty Swamps.”
“I don’t sees ‘em!” Herbert squinted, trying to see something through the smoke. “Tell ‘em to step forwardsh so that we can blast ‘em!”
“Ssssh! Please be quiet, my Lord!” Solar hushed. “How many mugs of scumbrosia have you had, my Lord?”
“I’ve gots a better idea, Solar…” the Lord of Murder bubbled drunkenly, ignoring Solar’s attempts to hush him. “Why don’t we blast them all, then we’ll have lots of portfoliosh to choose from, right?”
While not said in a particularly loud voice, some words have the very unpleasant inherent tendency to reverberate and increase in volume until they have been heard by anyone present in the room. Death threats apparently fell into the category of such words.
The sudden bout of deadly silence that followed Herbert’s words was broken by the sound of three dozens of various deities rising from their chairs and then advancing towards our heroes. There was a loud plopping noise as the Bear God clumsily dived behind the counter.
“DE-47, do something!” the Solar demanded, seeing how the circle of enraged looking deities enclosed on him and the still oblivious looking, widely grinning Lord of Murder.
“Snappy Retort: Oh, bugger off, meatbag. I only listen to Master’s orders,” the golem answered.
Just then however, one of the deities squeezing by the golem on its attempts to reach Herbert sooner, knocked over the oil canister and spilled its remains all over DE-47’s shiny carcass. The golem’s eyes immediately started to glow in an even Eviler red light.
“Irritated Retaliation: Prepare for some blasting, meatbag!” DE-47 exclaimed, swiftly getting up from its seat and raising the crossbow shaped weapon. A big ball of green energy was bobbling on the end of the odd crossbow, pointing at the offender deity. “Extermination protocol initiated,” DE-47 announced happily, triggering the crossbow to shoot.
The bolt of energy hit the hapless and unsuspecting deity in the back, incinerating it on the spot. Then the energy blob bounced off the wall and continued on its way back towards the tightly clustered pack of gods.
“My Lord, quickly! Duck!” the Solar yelled and pulled Herbert down on the mouldy floor of the dive.
Some of the gods managed to follow their example, but not everyone made it. The returning blaster bolt impaled and wiped out The Lesser Deity Of Proper Immersion (nobody could remember Immersion into What, since the deity in question also held the portfolio of Unspeakable Dullness), then rebounding off the opposite wall came back to horribly maim and destroy The Demigod of Proper Characterization (on some planes he is known as The Bane Of FanFic Writers), on its path also took the ability of breathing away from The Minor God of Pointless, Repetitive and Longwinded Arguing.
The rest of the deities then made for the exit as fast as they could, encouraged by a few more blaster shots coming from DE-47’s weapon. Most of the gods managed to escape to safety, but in the end, they left behind six smouldering corpses.
The Solar slowly got up and walked around the bar, picking up the portfolios (This was actually done quite literally. The divine portfolios are of a rather simple, inconspicuous design and coloured black, since as we all know, Overlord Ao is sorely lacking in creative skills) of the fallen gods.
“How didsh we do?” Herbert asked from the floor in a weak voice. The Solar had fallen on top of him in the melee and thusly had relieved him of all previously consumed scumbrosia. Now he was slowly recovering from the drunkenness.
“We did rather well, my Lord,” Solar smiled. “Got six of them, including the troll God of Misty Swamps. Yon Lady will have a wide range of choices before her…”
~*~
Many hours and one druid summoning ritual later…
Herbert emerged from his bedroom in the Bone Throne of Murder, looking a bit downcast. Solar and DE-47 ceased their game of scrabble and looked up at their Lord expectantly.
“Well, that was kind of a downer,” the Lord of Murder shrugged.
“What… is there something wrong, my Lord?” Solar asked.
“Not really… just that we killed all those poor gods for nothing.”
“How is that, my Lord?”
Herbert chuckled sardonically. “She took the title of Goddess of Murder by Overwhelming Sexual Pleasure, instead.”
