All That Glitters...56

Chapter Fifty-Six

Viconia's thoughts were interrupted by a tap on the shoulder as the party left the Graveyard. She looked up, to see Kal walking beside her, looking concerned. She wondered for a second if he had guessed.

"How are you feeling?" Kal asked.

"I told you, I am fine," she snapped.

Kal held his hands up, palms forward. "Hey, no need to bite my head off. I'm just saying, if there's a problem, you can always talk to me about it."

How easy it would be! To simply tell him that she was now powerless and utterly useless to him. How easy it would be to believe that it was so simple. To believe that he really would keep loving her even after she was no longer of use. But doubts sank dark claws into Viconia's mind. What was she to Kal, anyway? He could easily find another woman, one with more power than a rejected adherent of Shar.

He said that he loves me. She could almost believe it. But it was so hard to be sure of such things. What was it in her that he loved? Was it still there? She did not even know what it was in him that she loved - she certainly couldn't tell what made him love her.

Viconia supposed it was part of the ineffable, indescribable nature of love that Kal had talked about. Not that it was much of a reassurance in her present situation. She needed something she could point to, something she could hold close to convince herself that he would still love her, and she didn't have that. She wasn't...certain enough.

Exactly when she would be certain enough was something she didn't want to think about. Just...not now.

Aloud, she said, "Thank you for the offer, Kal, but I assure you, there is nothing wrong."

Kal held her gaze for just a few more seconds, then nodded. "If you say so."

Viconia dropped to the back of the group, hoping to get some time alone by staying away from Kal. She knew Anomen and Keldorn wouldn't exactly want to talk to her. However, she didn't get what she wanted, as she ended up next to Nalia, who immediately asked, in a low whisper, "So what's really the problem?"

Viconia glared daggers at her, but Nalia refused to flinch. "Come on, you can tell me. You're not even fooling Kal completely, why do you think you can hide it from me? Remember - not blind, not male - I notice these things, even though you think I'm distracted all of the time."

"There...is...nothing...wrong," Viconia grated out through clenched teeth.

Nalia looked even more unhappy at that. "And that's how I know what's wrong is really serious," she said. She shook her head. "Fine, keep it to yourself, if you want, but I'll bet that isn't helping you at all. You know I just want to help, Viconia. If you're so worried about it, I'm pretty sure this isn't something that's going to go away on its own." She turned away.

Intellectually, Viconia had to admit Nalia was right. It wasn't going to go away on its own, and the situation could only get worse. And overall, it would probably be better if she told Kal what was going on, than have him find out after a battle when she couldn't heal anyone. She knew all this, knew that logically, she should tell him right away. But she couldn't.

---

"Kal...may we speak?" Anomen asked, somewhat hesitantly.

"Any time," Kal said. "What's on your mind?"

"I have been thinking over what you have said...and I must say that your arguments are somewhat, er, interesting. A few of my comments might have, ah, strayed a little further than my original intent. I would appreciate it if you would...if we could...discuss this more."

Not quite "I was wrong." But getting closer. "Of course, Anomen."

Anomen sighed in relief. "Thank...thank you, Kal. In truth, I have often been...concerned about my occasional lapses. I have come to believe that they might represent a challenge to the successful completion of my Test."

"They might, at that," Kal observed neutrally. "Well, I want to know what makes you...lapse. What does being a knight mean to you?"

"Everything! It is the paramount goal in all of existence, the ultimate attainment for a servant of good! The pinnacle of achievement for..." Anomen broke off as he saw the look on Kal's face. "What?"

Kal sighed. "I wanted to know why you wanted to become a knight, not the Order's official line. I know the standard description of knighthood already."

"I...well...I...," Anomen swallowed, then steeled himself to honesty. "It was my father, as in other things."

"Do go on."

"My path to the Order began...with the introduction of heroic tales in books. My mother was very fond of those tales, and of reading them to my sister and myself. We quickly came to enjoy those tales. As children are wont to do, we played at being knights, slaying dragons, and the like."

Kal smiled. "I did the same thing when I was young. Go on."

"At that time, Father was not yet prone to his drunken binges; his dealings were reasonably profitable, though not overly so. He was distant and paid little attention to us. While not the ideal loving parent, Father was not overly cruel at that time. But because of his distance, it was Mother who raised us." Anomen reached down and pulled out his symbol of Helm. "She was a follower of Helm, and introduced me to his worship, as well as to the Order. I was captivated. Not only by the Order, but by the Order's tales of spreading justice throughout the land. Righting wrongs. This was what I had always dreamed of."

Then Anomen's expression grew grim. "Five years ago, my father entered what I only know as a disastrous business venture. From what I gather, it was a risky sailing route of some sort, though beyond that I can only guess. What I know as certain, however, is that Father invested a large amount of money in it, and that the ships never returned to port. It was a terrible financial disaster, but not crippling by itself. What truly spelled the ruin of our fortunes forever was how Father took to drink afterward."

Anomen paused, caught up in memory. Then he shook his head, as if to clear it. "That was when we - my sister and I - became hunted in our own house. Servant after servant left after trying to deal with Father's drunken rages, and soon we became the most convenient targets. We learned to run and hide at the earliest sign of Father's rage, to huddle in fear behind our beds or inside closets while he rampaged about below."

"And this drove you toward the ideal of knighthood?"

Anomen nodded. "It did not take long to realize that Father was not going to stop drinking, or getting drunk. There I was - confronted with a monstrous injustice in my own home, and not a knight in the world was doing anything about it. No one was helping us - we were beaten, our mother was beaten...and no one even noticed. I would swear many times as I cowered beneath a desk, that when I could get the power to do so, I would devote my life to solving injustice."

"Sounds good so far. How did you get from there to here?"

Anomen hesitated before replying. "I resolved to become a knight, for knights are the champions of fighting injustice. As I learned more about the injustices of the world, I decided that they were of greater priority. And knights are just the people to deal with them."

"Somewhere along the line you seem to have gotten something confused, then. Yes, knights are the people to deal with injustice. But you've told me that knights only deal with the righteous. How then do they address injustice?" Kal paused, then went on. "I understand that given your experiences, you may want to associate only with those of good heart. But the role of a knight is not about sitting back and trying to shield good within iron walls. Knights have to go out into the world and promote justice."

Anomen was nodding, slowly. "Yes, that is...that is part of a knight's task, like the duty to participate in the Order's field campaigns."

"Somewhat," Kal allowed. "Although I wouldn't be so quick to call battling an army of orcs the only way to promote justice. Anomen, what do you define as an injustice?"

"I...I..." Anomen struggled with that for a moment. "I...I really have no idea," he finally admitted. "I can provide examples of injustices, but I cannot...properly describe the properties that make them so."

"How about defining justice? Can you do that?"

Anomen thought for a few minutes, then shook his head. "Certain ideas occur to me, yet all seem incomplete."

"It always is, at first," Kal said. "Let's start small. Ideally, we create laws to support justice. In many cases, and from what I've seen of the laws in Amn, this is one of them - that doesn't exactly hold true, but that's what we try to do. Follow me?" Anomen nodded. "So, based on that, what do you think the ideal laws are written to accomplish?"

"Laws exist...to tell us what to do," Anomen said, and then stopped. "No," he said. "That does not sound...right."

Good! Kal thought, though he wasn't going to interrupt Anomen's train of thought.

"Laws provide...order," Anomen said. "And order...order is valuable because...I said it was because it prevents harm, but that is not...clearly not the case, or at least...not the entire case."

"Preventing harm is one part of a larger whole, Anomen. Do you know what that is?" Kal paused, but Anomen didn't seem to know the answer. "Freedom. Good laws protect people so they are free to do what they wish with their lives, to develop themselves or not develop themselves as they see fit. It is not important to make sure people are living their lives in an orderly fashion. It is important that no individual can interfere with another's freedom to choose their own path to success, or failure."

"You sound as if you are advocating chaos," Anomen said with suspicion.

"Really. What would that sound like?"

Anomen almost started to answer, but then stopped. "Ah. I...see."

"Justice isn't about law everywhere, Anomen. It's about the law we need, to make sure that people understand the consequences of making certain choices, like the one to take another's life. Of course, there are a lot of different views on what constitutes need." Kal paused. "Quite a few views, actually. And that's good, because dissent is valuable. It inspires change in the law - and the law needs to change, as we try to get closer and closer to getting a better law that handles the areas it needs to handle, and which is hands-off everywhere else."

"It seems that...that justice is a much larger question than what I had first believed it to be," Anomen said.

Kal nodded. "Yes, it is. If you've never read works on the subject, there are a number of books I could suggest, and I'm sure you'll find them in the Order library."

Anomen nodded. "If we have nothing else to do...I should get to it immediately."

"Right." Kal took out a scrap of paper from his pack and scribbled down a few book names.

Once Anomen was gone, Keldorn came up, grinning broadly. "I can barely believe it. How did you ever accomplish it?"

"No miracles on my part," Kal said, waving off the implied credit. "It just so happened that I'm someone he wasn't afraid of, and who he hadn't yet bragged to. Besides, he'll probably read those books and come back to me full of arguments. I certainly did, the first time I read them. I'm hardly done."

"If it is not a miracle on your part, then at least allow that the most amazing coincidences seem to happen when you're around," Keldorn said.

"Oh, I know that part, but most of them aren't good ones. That said...I think this will turn out well, after all, barring any major disruptions. And that may sound optimistic, but knowing my past, major disruptions are always just around the corner."

"Come now," Keldorn said. "I know you are only being realistic, but there's nothing wrong now, is there?"

"No...I suppose not," Kal said. But he cast a glance back at Viconia anyway.